# Stupidest Porn Plots **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 3, 2002, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189 "2002-08-03T17:32:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2002, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189/21 "2002-08-05T02:46:00Z")
How about Girl 1: It’s hot in here, can I take my bra off? Boy: Sure Girl 1: I haven’t been laid in weeks, who wants to have sex with me? Boy: Me! Girl 2: Can I watch That may sound pretty lame, except the part of Boy was me - I really don’t want to explain what happened next ---
**Author:** ![LindyHopper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ebca7d/32.png) [@LindyHopper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LindyHopper)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2002, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189/22 "2002-08-05T06:08:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by OpalCat \* > \*\*Jane gets jealous, and I forget how it ends. Probably with some people fucking. \*\* Now _that_ is a great sig line. **Opal** , you should auction it off to the highest bidder. ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2002, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189/23 "2002-08-05T06:17:45Z")
Seriously. “I forget how the porno ends … probably with some people fucking” is great, though I kinda doubt the mods would okay it;) ---
**Author:** ![Eva\_Luna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e495f1/32.png) [@Eva\_Luna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eva_Luna)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2002, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189/24 "2002-08-05T15:18:40Z")
Anyone ever see M-3d? It was the first X-rated anything I ever saw. Yes, it’s true, a 3D porno. I saw it with a whole bunch of guy friends at the Music Box Theater in Chicago, which is normally an art film house. The film was soooo bad that even my college-age guy friends were about to walk out in the middle, except that we were all laughing so hard. I fell asleep in the middle, and woke up briefly to a scene involving, IIRC, a guy in a bunny suit trying to jump over the walls of Troy on a pogo stick. Yes, this film really does exist. ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2002, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189/25 "2002-08-05T18:13:32Z")
Deaf mute with an ankle spanker gets a job as a gardener at an all girls school. Sex ensues. Best line from the film? “Fuck me dummy! Oh, fuck me dummy!” ---
**Author:** ![heresiarch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/278dde/32.png) [@heresiarch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heresiarch)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2002, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189/26 "2002-08-05T19:38:00Z")
Ankle spanker? What’s that? ---
**Author:** ![Danalan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/76d3ee/32.png) [@Danalan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Danalan)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2002, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189/27 "2002-08-05T23:15:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by heresiarch \* > \*\*Ankle spanker? > > What’s that? \*\* It’s a visual thing. Think of a man standing, and something is bumping against his ankle… Got it? ---
**Author:** ![heresiarch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/278dde/32.png) [@heresiarch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heresiarch)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2002, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189/28 "2002-08-05T23:50:00Z")
OH! I got it now. (finally) I was thinking of some kind of combination of an ankle-grabber and a monkey-spanker, but it just didn’t work. ---
**Author:** ![Purd\_Werfect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e47c2d/32.png) [@Purd\_Werfect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Purd_Werfect)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2002, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189/29 "2002-08-05T23:57:49Z")
Well, I don’t know anything about no porno plots, but I sure hate it when a plumber or deliveryman drop by my apartment. ---
**Author:** ![WSLer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a6a055/32.png) [@WSLer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WSLer)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2002, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189/30 "2002-08-06T00:45:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tapioca Dextrin \* > \*\*How about > > Girl 1: It’s hot in here, can I take my bra off? > > Boy: Sure > > Girl 1: I haven’t been laid in weeks, who wants to have sex with me? > > Boy: Me! > > Girl 2: Can I watch > That may sound pretty lame, except the part of Boy was me - I really don’t want to explain what happened next \*\* Oh yes you do.😉 C’mon, we’re all friends here. Just shut your eyes, open your mouth, start at the beginning, move the middle and get to the end. ---
**Author:** ![WSLer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a6a055/32.png) [@WSLer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WSLer)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2002, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189/31 "2002-08-06T00:49:55Z")
The funniest pron line I have ever heard was from a movie called, **Careful, He Might Be Watching** starring Seka. Seka starred as a wife who “moonlighted” as a porn star, except her husband didn’t know about her “double life.” Well, he found out by the end of the movie, but ANYway… There is a scene where Seka is supposed ot have sex with a guy and it’s his first scene. So, the cameras are rolling and she’s getting ready to go to town on him and she asks him what he wants and he says,“Please fellate my penis.”:wally :wally ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2002, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189/32 "2002-08-06T21:37:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Inky- \* > \*\*Years ago I saw a porno that had people commenting the onscreen action ala _Mystery Science Theater 3000_. Personally, I find the thought of people critiquing my performance a turn-off. I suspect there’d be an awful lot of jokes about my pastey white arse. \*\* Was it Vanessa Del Rio’s Fantasies? (did it have a girl pull out another girl’s tampon in a jacuzzi with her teeth?) ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2002, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189/33 "2002-08-08T01:45:43Z")
> [@](#): > > Jane gets jealous, and I forget how it ends. Probably with some people fucking. **Opal** , may I use this as a sig at another message board? > [@](#): > > a girl pull out another girl’s tampon in a jacuzzi with her teeth? :eek: AAAAHHH!!! Mary, Mother of GOD, NO!!! ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2002, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189/34 "2002-08-08T07:28:45Z")
Sure have at it. (And yes, that was my reaction as well) The parts I remember most were when Vanessa was in the shower, all soapy, and started squashing her boobs against the glass shower door. The man (it’s a couple doing the narrative/watching/mst3k thing) says “oooh look at that sudsy spic!” Another time the woman says something about “he’s going to put his penis in her rectum!” and he says “Don’t call it a rectum. Call it a poop shoot, or the hershey highway,” etc. Ew. I’m sorry, but feces-related euphamisms do NOT belong in the context of anal sex! ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2002, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189/35 "2002-08-08T15:26:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Cosmopolitan \* > **Her line (delivered in a disturbingly deep voice?); "Your hair…it’s so…prick-like…"** God help me for this… it’s _brick-like_. No, I haven’t seen the movie, I read the review in _Penthouse_ when it came out. ---
**Author:** ![Irishman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@Irishman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Irishman)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189/36 "2002-12-11T05:12:29Z")
Okay, a guy finds a woman in a jeep stuck in the middle of the Arizona scrub. He stops to help. They start fucking. While this is happening, some other guy sneaks up with a camera and starts taking pictures. First he’s from a distance away, but he gets closer and closer, till he’s five feet away and basically in the open, and they act like they don’t see him. Then he starts pulling pranks. While the couple is on the hood, girl standing on ground blowing guy, the second guy sneaks up underneath the Jeep, snaps a couple of pictures, then proceeds to tie the guy’s shoelaces together. Yet later he moves and doesn’t notice. Finally after the couple finishes their business at the back of the jeep, he jumps in the front and drives off with the jeep and their clothes. Attempts at humor in porn are just wrong. A couple are apparently at a party. As they are busy going at it, some other guy wanders over and starts a conversation with the guy. Later he comes back, and he’s “gay”, and says, “Didn’t you like my straight guy imitation?” A guy and girl at another party. The girl is getting stuffed hard, and another lady wanders over, apparently the hostess. She starts asking them how they’re doing, “I like it when my guests are having a good time.” That’s not voyeurism, that’s just strange. “Hi, I’m Bob, no, don’t get up, I’ll shake your hand later.” WTF? ---
**Author:** ![Kalashnikov](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/2bfe46/32.png) [@Kalashnikov](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalashnikov)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189/37 "2002-12-11T05:36:30Z")
\ > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by OpalCat \* > \*\* > Another time the woman says something about “he’s going to put his penis in her rectum!” and he says “Don’t call it a rectum. Call it a poop shoot, or the hershey highway,” etc. Ew. I’m sorry, but feces-related euphamisms do NOT belong in the context of anal sex! \*\* I thought only homophobes used phrases like that. In fact I’ve been surprised to see the term turdburgler used so much on this board, apparently as a general purpose insult, as I had only ever heard it as a slur on gays. (Why ARE homophobes so obsessed with feces anyway?) \ ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189/38 "2002-12-11T06:52:43Z")
“Frisky Business”, “Edward Penis Hands”, and “The Canturbury Tales.” Oh, I’m sorry, you said _stupidest_ porn plots. ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Xex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/76d3ee/32.png) [@Captain\_Xex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Xex)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189/39 "2002-12-11T06:54:24Z")
Quixotic, brash, young, and svelte white male gets on center-stage in a dark and daunty nightclub before a swarthy legion of glaring, ominous African-American males only to try to win the crowd’s affectation and satisfaction by churning out an exhausting logorrhea of name-checking provocations and shop-worn societal diatribes on the mic only to find himself defeated and his dignity–pulverized into a creamy mess by the shunning crowd’s scathe-wrought-mockery, only to realize his only choice and last resort to slake this crowd’s hunger is to present on his knees to let each and every sweaty audience to rain and shower down on his stark-naked, supple body only to be glazed like a donut, or buried like victim of a seminal firing-squad that he is. 8 Vials to be shooting this white Christmas at a studio near you. ---
**Author:** ![Alice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Alice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2002, 11:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189/40 "2002-12-11T11:11:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by OpalCat \* > \*\*(I don’t remember what the original language is… it’s dubbed into English) > two women are on some sort of jungle adventure. One of them (named, conveniently, Jane) wanders off and gets hurt. A hunky guy in a loincloth shows up, starts smelling her, and wakes her up. She calls him “Ape Man” and they have sex. She goes to give him a blow job and he gets all scared that she is putting her mouth on his dick, thinking she will bite it off or something. > > Jane gets jealous, and I forget how it ends. Probably with some people fucking. \*\* I remember this one! But I saw it dubbed into Spanish. It was called Tarzan X. Absolutely hilarious. If you get hurt in the jungle and wake up with a man in a loincloth trying to stick his hand in your knickers, what do you do? Give him a blow job of course. It ends with him realising that the divide between their two worlds is too wide to be crossed, and going back to the jungle on his own. As soon as I saw the title of this thread I thought of this film. I can’t believe you mentioned it first OpalCat! The other notable thing about it was that the guy playing Tarzan X was actually not hideous (unlike the male leads in every other porn film I have ever seen). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-porn-plots/122189.md?page=3)