# Stupidest Things You've Heard In A Porn Flick **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 7, 2001, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042 "2001-03-07T03:05:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crankyasanoldman/32/11670_2.png) [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/41 "2001-03-08T15:13:30Z")
Well, we have this “instructional” video on Oral Sex that we got somewhere. It takes itself very seriously, which makes it hard to watch without cracking up. Anyway, the narration sounds like a typical scripted “How to use your Bandsaw safely” or “Enjoying the features in your new Buick LaSable!” video. At one point the narrator talks about showering or bathing before oral sex to make it more pleasurable for your partner. But she adds: “The vagina, like the eye, is a self-cleaning organ.” Something about the way she says this… plus the analogy of the eye… it was just so incongruous. We laughed and laughed. ---
**Author:** ![pldennison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9fc29f/32.png) [@pldennison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pldennison)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/42 "2001-03-08T15:26:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hamadryad \* > \*\*I have to agree wholeheartedly with xploder’s, “Do you mind if I smoke while you eat?” line from “Deep Throat.” I stared at the TV aghast for five minutes, thinking, “THIS STUPID SHIT was GROUNDBREAKING?” Besides which, if her clit was in her throat, even White Castle would be orgasmic for Linda Lovelace. I know porno isn’t supposed to be about plot, but come on! \*\* Um, for the record, it was Linda Lovelace’s **roommate** in the movie that says this line. Linda has just walked in on the two of them in the kitchen. And **Krispy** , credit where credit is due–that was _funny_! ---
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/43 "2001-03-08T15:44:28Z")
Re: Esprix’s, “A horse snorts.” huh. Talk about a one-trick-pony…😉 ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/44 "2001-03-08T15:53:43Z")
> [@](#): > > **pldennison** said: > Um, for the record, it was Linda Lovelace’s roommate in the movie that says this line. Linda has just walked in on the two of them in the kitchen. I know it was her roommate who delivered that line. Sorry I wasn’t more specific. However, my statement about Linda Lovelace and the potentially orgasmic quality of White Castle hamburgers stands. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/22080_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/45 "2001-03-08T16:34:24Z")
A friend of my husband’s loaned him a copy of “Ginger’s Sex Asylum” and bad as it was, I remember one scene vividly. One of the “inmates” - a scrawny-looking guy in a white hospital gown - suddenly sqats down, clucks like a chicken, and lays an egg. He picks it up, looks at it, and smashes it agains his forehead. I’m certain there’s something deep and profound about that, but for the life of me, I can’t figger it out… And NOTHING compares with the theme song from “Deep Throat”!!! ---
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/46 "2001-03-08T19:26:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SexyWriter \* > \*\*Here’s a logical question for everyone: Why the hell are you watching porn with the sound ON? Is there really a good reason for listening to all those obviously faked “oohs” and “ahhs” when you can just WATCH? > > -L \*\* Uhh, because my eyes are closed in rapture? Seriously, the oohs and aahs are _helpful._ ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/47 "2001-03-08T22:30:57Z")
First of all, I find the popularity of this thread to be quite interesting. **Hamadryad** ’s admonition notwithstanding, I’m fascinated that people find it safe to confess their viewing habits in the context of mocking them. I can’t help but think that if someone started an IMHO or MPSIMS thread that simply asked, “What are your favorite porno movies,” it would have disappeared like an anvil dropped into a well. Now, that said, I don’t have anything to contribute regarding stupid stuff **heard** in a porno, simply because the dialogue is generally so ridiculous. (Anybody see the big-budget pirate movie _Conquest_? Remember the fingernails-on-chalkboard overacting of that one prince guy with the goofy mustache?) Regardless of setting, it seems like nobody can come up with dialogue better than the expected, “Yeah, eat that pussy. Eat it. You like eating that pussy? Oh yeah, eat that pussy. Lick it. Oh yeah.” When this same dialogue is coming from secretaries, waitresses, policewomen, Amazons, prison guards, car-wash attendants, princesses, etc., to me it all qualifies as stupid. But I will mention something outrageously bizarre I **saw:** _Clown sex._ Seriously. IIRC, it’s a scene in Michael Ninn’s _New Wave Hookers 5_ (I can’t believe I actually know this). Two women are entertaining themselves on a street corner. A clown walks by: funny wig, big shoes, red nose, makeup, the whole bit. He stops and engages the women. However, he never takes off his billowy satin clown shirt, or the makeup, wig, and nose. From the waist down, he’s a porno actor: he gets his knob polished, multiple-orifice penetration, and so on. From the waist up, he’s a clown straight out of a children’s birthday party. Whoa. Until this scene, the movie was pretty hot. I’m sure some viewers found a specific fetish (perhaps previously unknown) rather fiercely stimulated, but for me it was a serious buzzkill. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/48 "2001-03-08T22:33:47Z")
Oh, one more thing: > [@](#): > > **Deiket:** Stupid keyboard… Helpful hint: Use both hands to type. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/49 "2001-03-08T22:42:38Z")
I swear, I’ve never seen a real porno, other than that wimpy stuff on Cinemax and HBO after midnight. It’s not some puritanical thing, I just don’t really care for it either way. Whatever floats your boat. Although, I have to admit, those HBO Real Sex documentaries are good for laughs. Masterbation classes for the elderly… ---
**Author:** ![mouthbreather](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a698b9/32.png) [@mouthbreather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mouthbreather)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/50 "2001-03-08T23:00:51Z")
I think this was a HBO real sex thing, but I could be wrong. **Cervaise’s** clown comments made me think of it. There was a group of clowns having a clown orge, and then they cut to a single clown, and he was talking about how he got his rocks off. I don’t remember what led up to this, but this sentence came out of his mouth: **"Everytime I see a cake, I just want to stick my ass in it!"** ---
**Author:** ![Purd\_Werfect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e47c2d/32.png) [@Purd\_Werfect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Purd_Werfect)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2001, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/51 "2001-03-08T23:52:47Z")
Not a porno, but great sex dialog nonetheless: Marge: (after relating Mel Gibson’s finer points to Homer) “Let’s make love!” Homer: “Okay.” -lights go out, kissing sounds can be heard- -lights come back on after a few seconds- Homer: “You’re thinking of me, right?” Marge: “Of course, Homey. You’re thinking of me too, aren’t you?” Homer: “I will now!” ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2001, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/52 "2001-03-09T01:49:11Z")
\ _thwack_ _thwack_ _thwack_ Yeah, you like that cock! _thwack_ _thwack_ _thwack_ or MMMMMMMmmmmmm, I _love_ your COCK! or Oh yeah! Yeah, baby. Oh oh oh. Yeah YEEESSSS! (puh-leez!) ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2001, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/53 "2001-03-09T02:07:15Z")
To all of you mocking porn dialogue: Gimme a break. How many of you are witty and erudite while making the sign of the beast with two backs? Somehow I doubt you’re qouting Shakespeare. On second thought, that might be appropriate. “Once more into the breach, dear friends, once more…” That’d sure stiffen your sinews. Mouthbreather: Yep, that clown orgy was on Real Sex. Wasn’t as good as the tour of a dildo factory with the soundtrack to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory playing in the background, though. ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2001, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/54 "2001-03-09T04:53:03Z")
> [@](#): > > **Nimune** put forth: > Gimme a break. How many of you are witty and erudite while making the sign of the beast with two backs? True enough, and I’ll grant you that. Then again, I don’t recall having seen a porno movie in which anyone said, “Get off my hair! Agghh!” or, “Hip cramp. fuck Fuck FUCK, HIP CRAMP!” or, “No, sweetie, you can’t come in…no no no, Mommy and Daddy are having alone time now…no, I’m not going to open the door honey.” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Badtz\_Maru](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e36b37/32.png) [@Badtz\_Maru](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Badtz_Maru)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2001, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/55 "2001-03-09T05:13:13Z")
I always thought it would be interesting to make a somewhat more realistic porno. Nothing complicated, I’m just talking scenarios leading to sex that are more realistic than ‘I was trying to find the secret files at The Anal Oasis when I was caught by Mistress Helga…’. I don’t know about most people, but I find realistic depictions of people having sex without the close-ups and crazy camera angles a lot more of a turn-on than most pornos - some R rated movies do more for me than any hardcore flick, also amateur videos are nice. ---
**Author:** ![capacitor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e47774/32.png) [@capacitor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capacitor)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2001, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/56 "2001-03-09T05:32:15Z")
While we were making out we didn’t quote Shakespeare, but we did quote the Bible: “Praise the Lord!”. “Praise the Lord!” ---
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2001, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/57 "2001-03-09T14:03:48Z")
A Sunday School teacher (bear with me, this really does relate somewhat to the OP) asks her class what part of the body goes to Heaven first to be with God. Little Mary says, “Your brain, because that’s what you think with.” Little Johnny says, “Your heart, because that’s what you love with.” Little Cindy says, “Your feet.” The teacher does a double-take, and says, “Why would you say ‘feet’, Little Cindy?” Little Cindy says, “Well, last night I couldn’t sleep, and I heard noise in Mommy and Daddy’s room. I looked in, and Daddy was laying on top of Mommy, sorta pushing at her, and Mommy was saying ‘Oh God! I’m coming! I’m coming!’” ---
**Author:** ![Alphagene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Alphagene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alphagene)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2001, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/58 "2001-03-09T15:03:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hamadryad \* > \*\*And a quick BTW, to all of you who say, “I don’t watch porn, but…” whether you are obviously joking or honestly trying to pretend you don’t: FUCK you. \*\* Ooh yeah baby, you like words in all caps, dontcha babe? I was obviously joking with my “sesnitive man” comment, Ham, but if you consider obvious jokes about porn as backhanded puritanical judgements about those who watch erotica then I don’t know what to tell ya. Sheesh. ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/59 "2001-03-10T05:13:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hamadryad \* > > True enough, and I’ll grant you that. Then again, I don’t recall having seen a porno movie in which anyone said, “Get off my hair! Agghh!” or, “Hip cramp. fuck Fuck FUCK, HIP CRAMP!” or, “No, sweetie, you can’t come in…no no no, Mommy and Daddy are having alone time now…no, I’m not going to open the door honey.” > > 😃 \*\* Heeeeyyyyy…_who_ had the camera in my bedroom??? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Silo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@Silo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silo)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 9:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/60 "2001-03-10T09:09:38Z")
Heh, I remember seeing a flick when, just before this guy drops a facial–he says, “OOOooh baby, you want some Oil of Olay?” Eheh-heh-heh. 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042.md?page=4)