# Stupidest Things You've Heard In A Porn Flick **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 7, 2001, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042 "2001-03-07T03:05:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/61 "2001-03-10T11:37:47Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by **thinksnow** _ > > MMMMMMMmmmmmm, I _love_ your COCK! Uh, actually… um, well, never mind. 😉 Esprix ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/62 "2001-03-10T14:07:37Z")
There’s this perfectly hysterical scene in Denys Arcand’s excellent movie _Jésus de Montréal_ in which the main character, Daniel, goes to visit a studio where they are dubbing porno movies into French. Anyway, there are these two middle aged women and a middle-aged guy, respectably dressed, standing in a sound booth with headphones and mikes, and panting and moaning as they watch the porno on a screen. “Oh oui, chéri, donne-moi cette bite énorme, ouais, fouille-moi ça, mets-le dans ma plotte juteuse…” etc. The guy who’s supposed to be voicing the other male actor doesn’t show up, so the one guy has to race back and forth doing a low and a high voice. At one point he mistakes whose voice he was supposed to be using, and the director says, “That’s OK. Nobody’s going to notice anyway.” ---
**Author:** ![GuanoLad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guanolad/32/42_2.png) [@GuanoLad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuanoLad)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2001, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/63 "2001-03-11T05:47:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Badtz Maru \* > **I always thought it would be interesting to make a somewhat more realistic porno. Nothing complicated, I’m just talking scenarios leading to sex that are more realistic.** I have made it my lifetime goal to do just that. Stay tuned… ---
**Author:** ![Tristan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tristan/32/18058_2.png) [@Tristan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tristan)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2001, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/64 "2001-03-11T06:06:21Z")
I actually saw a bit where Johnathan Morgan actually said, while the girl was astride him in a chair… **"Oh yeah… you like my dick? If it was any bigger I’d be tasting it when I kiss you!"** or something to that effect… I totally cracked up… ---
**Author:** ![Albert\_Rose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9de053/32.png) [@Albert\_Rose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Albert_Rose)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2001, 7:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/65 "2001-03-11T07:07:26Z")
_originally posted by Cervaise_ > [@](#): > > \*\*But I will mention something outrageously bizarre I saw: > > Clown sex. > > Seriously. > … > Until this scene, the movie was pretty hot. I’m sure some viewers found a specific fetish (perhaps previously unknown) rather fiercely stimulated, but for me it was a serious buzzkill.\*\* Clown sex is a terrible atrocity. Please help fight this abomination at [http://www.stopclownpornnow.org/](http://www.stopclownpornnow.org/) Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Xploder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/a183cd/32.png) [@Xploder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Xploder)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2001, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/66 "2001-03-13T04:39:23Z")
Said by a young blonde wannabe during an interview with Ron Jeremy… Ron Jeremy? No fucking way! I’m not gonna fuck that fatass fuck… ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2001, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/67 "2001-03-13T13:26:02Z")
Wide-eyed young woman blushing at the thought of engaging in anal sex: “I’ve never done that before.” She rolls over to reveal an asshole so large you could land a 747 in it. ---
**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/68 "2001-03-14T02:06:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by PunditLisa \* > \*\*an asshole so large you could land a 747 in it. > > \*\* Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days? ::practice:: “Hey, beautiful, can I land my 747 in you?” Is that right? Can I use it at the bar tonight? ---
**Author:** ![Ivar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/51bf81/32.png) [@Ivar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ivar)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/69 "2001-03-14T20:11:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dolores Claiborne \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > \*Originally posted by SexyWriter \* > > \*\*Here’s a logical question for everyone: Why the hell are you watching porn with the sound ON? Is there really a good reason for listening to all those obviously faked “oohs” and “ahhs” when you can just WATCH? > > > > -L \*\* > > Uhh, because my eyes are closed in rapture? Seriously, the oohs and aahs are _helpful._ \*\* It’s actually all about that sweet music! Boom chickackicka boom chicka powpow ---
**Author:** ![Gambit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Gambit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gambit)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2001, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/70 "2001-03-15T04:12:20Z")
“Oooh, oooh, oooh…my butt’s wet.” Mind you, this was a relatively LARGE woman saying this. ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2001, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/71 "2001-03-15T21:29:59Z")
I used to watch a serious amount of porno and I’m not ashamed to admit it. So there. Anyway, it was some Nina Hartley clip where she’s taking it in the ass in a hospital and she says to her flavor of the moment: “Oh, Doctor, your point is very… _penetrating_.” Wow, you guys were having a medical discussion? I musta missed that. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2001, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/72 "2001-03-15T22:53:18Z")
> [@](#): > > “Hey, beautiful, can I land my 747 in you?” > > Is that right? Can I use it at the bar tonight? I suppose it has a better ring to it than, say,“Hey babe, can I land my puddle-jumper in you?” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![L714](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dec6dc/32.png) [@L714](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/L714)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2001, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/73 "2001-03-15T23:14:42Z")
I havne’t seen many but it would have to be either,“This pussy has teeth” or “Come on baby, split me in half” ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2001, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/74 "2001-03-16T01:36:34Z")
I do recall a friend relating something to me that she saw on Cinemax-mind you, it really was a friend-trust me, if I had seen it, I’d admit it. Something about a huge orgy-and this girl stands up all of a sudden, totally naked, and pours all these chocolate milkshakes on herself. ---
**Author:** ![Marvel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/779978/32.png) [@Marvel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marvel)\ **Post date:** [March 16, 2001, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/75 "2001-03-16T02:42:54Z")
“Oooh, oooh, oooh…my butt’s wet.” If I were the partner in that scene, I’d be REAL worried about what was MAKING it wet, know what I mean? Another MST3K porn moment - it happens near the end of “The Devil in Miss Jones,” when she’s meeting her roomie in Hell (what was up with that guy? The whole middle reel of film was too damaged to show when my friends and I went to see it. NOW how were we to follow the plot?). The guy goes “Shhhh…” To which I had to shout, “Be vewy, vewy quiet!” Scwewy Porn Staw, Patty ---
**Author:** ![Earl\_Snake-Hips\_Tucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/earl_snake-hips_tucker/32/3269_2.png) [@Earl\_Snake-Hips\_Tucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earl_Snake-Hips_Tucker)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2001, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/76 "2001-03-21T03:46:21Z")
In one movie, a girl is bouncing up and down on a guy who is seated at a piano, playing it, to which she replies, “Oh, I really like Choppin.” In another, a white couple were going about their business on the floor, while a black chick in a dominatrix sorta outfit is all the while shouting insults to the woman. Two of them that I remember: “You makes my brain crawl!” and (to the guy) “Fuck her 'til her liver fall out!” In yet another, featuring priapic kingpin John Holmes in all his tumescent semi-erect splendor, he is portraying a “Tarzan” sort of character banging away at the hapless “Jane” character. The scene is outdoors, and all the while the scene is going on, you can hear a chainsaw in the distance. At one point, JH says, “Should never have given Chita chainsaw. Him cut down half of jungle.” ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2001, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/77 "2001-03-21T04:06:01Z")
At the end of _Sex Commandos_ they showed some bloopers during the credits. There’s one scene where a woman is riding this guys cock, and starts laughing. The dude, (sounding half stoned) goes, “Wait, is that your ass?” ---
**Author:** ![clum1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@clum1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clum1)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2001, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/78 "2001-03-21T14:13:03Z")
one that me and my mates used to have a laugh at was a movie where a cockney bloke turns to his male co star and says: “You know, I’ve got a theory abaht birds. They luv it up 'em!” ---
**Author:** ![IndignantSarcasm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/6a8cbe/32.png) [@IndignantSarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IndignantSarcasm)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2001, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/79 "2001-03-22T03:27:19Z")
Here we go. It was some typical 80s porno, and it was about “dirt bikers”, and one of the bikes plate number was 911 and they were doing their thing in front of the bike… i take a moment and say “HELP! Call 911! I’m in a bad porno!” we still laugh about that one. and try this line: “Hello, I am here to fix your copy machine… Lets have sex.” _sigh_ Is porn really supposed to turn you on? or make you laugh so hard you piss yourself? ---
**Author:** ![Gambit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Gambit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gambit)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2001, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042/80 "2001-03-22T04:12:20Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Marvel \* > \*\*“Oooh, oooh, oooh…my butt’s wet.” > If I were the partner in that scene, I’d be REAL worried about what was MAKING it wet, know what I mean? > > \*\* It’s kind of hard to appreciate how funny this comment was. You would have to imagine a very large woman saying it in a very small voice. (This wasn’t my tape, either. A friend and I swap pornos from time to time, and this was from one of those horrible four hour compilation tapes.) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stupidest-things-youve-heard-in-a-porn-flick/57042.md?page=3)