# Stuttering and dating. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 24, 2018, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663 "2018-06-24T14:51:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Dan44](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecc23a/32.png) [@Dan44](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dan44)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/1 "2018-06-24T14:51:39Z")
I am a 23 year old guy with a severe stuttering issue. I was in Speech Therapy for good 10 years and unfortunately, it didn’t help me that much. As I am growing older, I am starting to feel alone and I feel like I should be looking for a girl to spend time with. However, due to my stutter I often hold back and avoid talking to girls which makes it really hard for me to find love. I am not ashamed from the fact that I am a stutterer but I just don’t know how a girl will react towards my stuttering. Would she be embarrass to hang out with me? or even date me or start a family with me ? Any comment or feedback is highly appreciated. Dan 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/2 "2018-06-24T16:25:33Z")
Since the OP is looking for advice, let’s move this to IMHO. Colibri General Questions Moderator ---
**Author:** ![Channing\_Idaho\_Banks](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/channing_idaho_banks/32/250_2.png) [@Channing\_Idaho\_Banks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Channing_Idaho_Banks)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/3 "2018-06-24T16:26:39Z")
Do you sing? ---
**Author:** ![Dan44](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecc23a/32.png) [@Dan44](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dan44)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/4 "2018-06-24T16:44:02Z")
> [@Channing\_Idaho\_Banks](#): > > Do you sing? Yes! In fact, I play guitar. I don’t know how it can help me. ---
**Author:** ![lingyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@lingyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lingyi)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/5 "2018-06-24T16:57:54Z")
While verbal communication is an important part of building a relationship, there are way more things just as or more important, chief of which are honesty and compatibility. Do you talk to only males and not any females? Or do you not talk to females whom you don’t have a romantic interest in? You obviously have to communicate with females in some way. BTW, if you purposely don’t talk to females you’re interested in, it’s probably uncomfortable for them. Believe me, they know you’re interested and will have little or no interest in you if you don’t communicate. Be yourself and engage in a conversation as best you can. A stutter is nothing compared to not speaking the same language, but people with different languages and cultures become couples all the time! Don’t jump ahead and start thinking (much less talking) about marriage and a family. Get out with others your own age, both male and female and let nature take it’s course. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Dan44](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecc23a/32.png) [@Dan44](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dan44)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/6 "2018-06-24T17:11:07Z")
> [@lingyi](#): > > While verbal communication is an important part of building a relationship, there are way more things just as or more important, chief of which are honesty and compatibility. > > Do you talk to only males and not any females? Or do you not talk to females whom you don’t have a romantic interest in? You obviously have to communicate with females in some way. BTW, if you purposely don’t talk to females you’re interested in, it’s probably uncomfortable for them. Believe me, they know you’re interested and will have little or no interest in you if you don’t communicate. > > Be yourself and engage in a conversation as best you can. A stutter is nothing compared to not speaking the same language, but people with different languages and cultures become couples all the time! > > Don’t jump ahead and start thinking (much less talking) about marriage and a family. Get out with others your own age, both male and female and let nature take it’s course. 😃 Thank you for your advice. I do in fact talk to girls as much as I talk to males but only for a brief minute. There was a girl in my uni which I really liked but I was afraid that she might think I am weird or unintelligent if I stutter in front of her. So, I never talked to her and now she has a boyfriend. Anyhow, I agree with you that I need to get out more and get comfortable being around girls prior to getting into a serious relationship. ---
**Author:** ![lingyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@lingyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lingyi)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/7 "2018-06-24T17:33:43Z")
You said something key: “…I was afraid that she might think I am weird or unintelligent if I stutter in front of her.” Put “I was afraid that she might think…” behind you. Talking to your male friends for 10 minutes and your female friends for only a minute is not only rude and demeaning to the female, but implies that you have no interest in her, possibly no interest in women at all. Their is a line from one of my favorite movies “Sad Movie”. Two sisters, one who is a deaf mute, are arguing about the older sister’s boyfriend. When the older sister leaves the room and slams the door, the younger deaf mute sister speaks for the first and only time, saying "At least you can say “I Love You!”. Unlike millions of other guys, you’re able to speak to women. The “I Love You” will come later, but you’re capable of so many other wonderful words on your way there! ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/8 "2018-06-24T17:40:52Z")
Are there ways you can meet and talk to women online or via text messages? Perhaps if you first establish yourself in a non-verbal form, the woman will be more receptive to you when you do talk to her. ---
**Author:** ![Dan44](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecc23a/32.png) [@Dan44](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dan44)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/9 "2018-06-24T18:01:26Z")
> [@Dewey\_Finn](#): > > Are there ways you can meet and talk to women online or via text messages? Perhaps if you first establish yourself in a non-verbal form, the woman will be more receptive to you when you do talk to her. I didn’t have any luck finding someone through online dating. I think online dating is just whole another game. It is worthwhile for me find someone in person. Perhaps, establish a connection first and then ask her out after sometime. Establishing a connection is something which is hard for me. ---
**Author:** ![Leo\_Bloom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leo_bloom/32/10377_2.png) [@Leo\_Bloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leo_Bloom)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/10 "2018-06-24T19:23:24Z")
Just a thought: Finding romance or even friendship is _hard for everybody_. Shit, when I was 23 I was oozing in doubt and self-accusation for my sorry state. So, honestly, don’t self-deflate by focussing on this or that physical fact as “a” or especially “the” cause for any social/life shit everybody deals with. This is _not_ about stuttering, which must suck. Lightly throwing quotes and bon mots from Oscar Wilde is probably not going to be your strong suit. FWIW, it got _me_ absolutely nowhere. And about email, online, (or letters even!): You ever heard of “epistolary romances?” Maybe you are more comfortable and expressive in writing. So go with that. Again, FWIW, my American Sign Language is passable at best, but my respect and pleasure of having a deaf friend was terrifically moved along by our writing to each other. Now we meet all the time–and I “stutter” like you wouldn’t believe. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/11 "2018-06-24T19:41:00Z")
I’d recommend giving online dating another try. It can be a game but it can also result in genuine connections. I’ll suggest being totally honest and up front – make an ad and list your attributes (i.e. “I work in journalism, I like to travel, I love Thai food and tennis, I have a persistent stutter…”). I think you’ll probably still get dates, and they won’t be surprised when they meet you to learn that you have a stutter. ---
**Author:** ![Dan44](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecc23a/32.png) [@Dan44](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dan44)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/12 "2018-06-24T19:45:50Z")
> [@Leo\_Bloom](#): > > Just a thought: Finding romance or even friendship is _hard for everybody_. Shit, when I was 23 I was oozing in doubt and self-accusation for my sorry state. So, honestly, don’t self-deflate by focussing on this or that physical fact as “a” or especially “the” cause for any social/life shit everybody deals with. > > This is _not_ about stuttering, which must suck. Lightly throwing quotes and bon mots from Oscar Wilde is probably not going to be your strong suit. FWIW, it got _me_ absolutely nowhere. > > And about email, online, (or letters even!): You ever heard of “epistolary romances?” Maybe you are more comfortable and expressive in writing. So go with that. Again, FWIW, my American Sign Language is passable at best, but my respect and pleasure of having a deaf friend was terrifically moved along by our writing to each other. Now we meet all the time–and I “stutter” like you wouldn’t believe. Where can I find someone in this day and age who wants to read love letters? To some extent, I agree that my current social status is not a product of my stuttering. I think it is my own attitude towards stuttering that has led me to this miserable life. In the past few years, I have surrounded myself with uni work which has helped me not to feel alone. But I can’t seem to do that anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Leo\_Bloom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leo_bloom/32/10377_2.png) [@Leo\_Bloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leo_Bloom)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/13 "2018-06-24T19:48:50Z")
Hey, when you’re in love you love to read love letters. Trust me on that. But that’s not the point at the moment. Before “first comes love, then comes marriage…” comes “meeting and getting to know people.” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Leo\_Bloom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leo_bloom/32/10377_2.png) [@Leo\_Bloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leo_Bloom)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/14 "2018-06-24T19:49:59Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#): > > I’d recommend giving online dating another try. It can be a game but it can also result in genuine connections. I’ll suggest being totally honest and up front – make an ad and list your attributes (i.e. “I work in journalism, I like to travel, I love Thai food and tennis, I have a persistent stutter…”). I think you’ll probably still get dates, and they won’t be surprised when they meet you to learn that you have a stutter. And anyone who has their heart set on dating a newscaster won’t reply. Fuck 'em. ---
**Author:** ![Dan44](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecc23a/32.png) [@Dan44](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dan44)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/15 "2018-06-24T19:51:42Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#): > > I’d recommend giving online dating another try. It can be a game but it can also result in genuine connections. I’ll suggest being totally honest and up front – make an ad and list your attributes (i.e. “I work in journalism, I like to travel, I love Thai food and tennis, I have a persistent stutter…”). I think you’ll probably still get dates, and they won’t be surprised when they meet you to learn that you have a stutter. I am on [Match.com](http://Match.com) now a day. I have sent about 20 messages to 20 different girls but none of them have responded. I understand that it may be how I present myself or the pics I have uploaded. I also try to change my pics every once in a while. Would you recommend any other sites? ---
**Author:** ![nelliebly](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nelliebly/32/5422_2.png) [@nelliebly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nelliebly)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/16 "2018-06-24T20:35:56Z")
Stuttering would never strike me as a weird characteristic, and I think most women would agree. I’m sure it’s not easy, but the sooner you stop seeing it as a liability, the sooner you’ll recognize it isn’t one. I have a few recommendations re: online dating. First, if you’re sending messages to 20 women, you’re probably going to sound like you’re sending out a form letter. That’s unlikely to work. Who wants to feel she’s identical in your mind to 19 other women? Try messaging two or three a day. Keep your initial message short and mostly about them. Don’t focus solely on their looks, and mention things from their profiles, like an interest in waterskiing, or a trip to a vacation spot you’ve been to. That means reading the profiles carefully. Women get a lot of messages from guys who obviously haven’t read their profiles but have gone by photos only. It’s not appealing. And don’t mention your stuttering in either your profile or your initial message. It’s not the most important thing about you. About your photo: in my experience, most women don’t go for shirtless guys, although there are a few exceptions. Guys with their shirts off are often perceived as trying too hard or being too vain. And avoid selfies. Hope this helps. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/17 "2018-06-24T20:54:53Z")
> [@Dan44](#): > > I am on [Match.com](http://Match.com) now a day. I have sent about 20 messages to 20 different girls but none of them have responded. I understand that it may be how I present myself > or the pics I have uploaded. I also try to change my pics every once in a while. Would you recommend any other sites? 20 is nothing, IMO. Send more, and don’t worry that most of them will be ignored. All you need is one solid and honest connection. Even if it takes months or longer, it will be worth it, and if you try consistently I don’t think it will take more than a handful of months to make a promising connection. ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_R.Mortiss](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tim_r.mortiss/32/142_2.png) [@Tim\_R.Mortiss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_R.Mortiss)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/18 "2018-06-24T21:03:38Z")
Forget about online dating, but keep the “online” part. Join a local online community, like a meetup group or a Facebook group or anything where there is a lot of online communication before you actually meet in person. Then people (potential dating partners and others) can get to know you as a person of quality, before they meet you in person. You can even inform them, without making a big deal out of it, that you are a stutterer so that they will have time to decide it doesn’t matter. Also - 23 is “growing older”? You’ve got lots of time. Cut yourself some slack! ---
**Author:** ![lingyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@lingyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lingyi)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/19 "2018-06-24T21:07:21Z")
Wow…I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you’re all over the place and overthinking everything. At first I thought you were a cool guy just needing some encouragement, but now you’re coming off as just desperate to fill a void in your life. You’re thinking okay, I have to establish a connection online, then I’ll ask her out, then since we’ve already connected online, she won’t care if I stutter, then we’ll go on a second date, then I’ll ask her about marriage, then I’ll ask her about where we should live, then I’ll ask her how many kids she wants to have, then I’ll ask her about the kids names should be, then we’ll live happily ever after. Yeah, that’s the plan! :eek: Meeting someone online isn’t magically going to make her fall instantly in love with you on your first live meeting. What have you ever done online that translated into a real world skill? Texting or live voice chatting online may ease your comfort level, but it won’t do anything for your interpersonal skills with other women in real life. Slow down and socialize in person first. Get comfortable with talking to women in person. You’re like Raj in The Big Bang Theory, talking a good game in front of the guys (this forum) and going mute in front of a real live woman. Whether you realize or not, someday you’re going to have to carry on an in-person conversation with a woman that you find attractive in a professional or social situation. ---
**Author:** ![lingyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@lingyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lingyi)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/20 "2018-06-24T21:23:10Z")
BTW, I’m old, fat, barely getting by and look like an Asian version of Buddy Hackett. But you know what, a good number of women like hanging out with me because I’m not shy around them and they feel comfortable with me because I listen more than I talk. It’s mostly completely platonic, but I’ve had my heart broken a few times and broke a couple of hearts, but that only made me stronger. Some try to hook me up with a friend or relative and I always refuse because I hate setups. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663.md?page=2)