# Stuttering and dating. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 24, 2018, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663 "2018-06-24T14:51:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Dan44](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecc23a/32.png) [@Dan44](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dan44)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/21 "2018-06-24T22:32:26Z")
> [@nelliebly](#): > > Stuttering would never strike me as a weird characteristic, and I think most women would agree. I’m sure it’s not easy, but the sooner you stop seeing it as a liability, the sooner you’ll recognize it isn’t one. > > I have a few recommendations re: online dating. First, if you’re sending messages to 20 women, you’re probably going to sound like you’re sending out a form letter. That’s unlikely to work. Who wants to feel she’s identical in your mind to 19 other women? Try messaging two or three a day. Keep your initial message short and mostly about them. Don’t focus solely on their looks, and mention things from their profiles, like an interest in waterskiing, or a trip to a vacation spot you’ve been to. That means reading the profiles carefully. Women get a lot of messages from guys who obviously haven’t read their profiles but have gone by photos only. It’s not appealing. And don’t mention your stuttering in either your profile or your initial message. It’s not the most important thing about you. > > About your photo: in my experience, most women don’t go for shirtless guys, although there are a few exceptions. Guys with their shirts off are often perceived as trying too hard or being too vain. And avoid selfies. > > Hope this helps. Thanks for your message. What should I be writing when I message them? I often struggle with this when it comes to online dating. As a woman what will make you respond to a guy? Talking about similar interests? ---
**Author:** ![Dan44](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecc23a/32.png) [@Dan44](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dan44)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/22 "2018-06-24T22:47:55Z")
> [@lingyi](#): > > Wow…I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you’re all over the place and overthinking everything. > > At first I thought you were a cool guy just needing some encouragement, but now you’re coming off as just desperate to fill a void in your life. You’re thinking okay, I have to establish a connection online, then I’ll ask her out, then since we’ve already connected online, she won’t care if I stutter, then we’ll go on a second date, then I’ll ask her about marriage, then I’ll ask her about where we should live, then I’ll ask her how many kids she wants to have, then I’ll ask her about the kids names should be, then we’ll live happily ever after. Yeah, that’s the plan! :eek: > > Meeting someone online isn’t magically going to make her fall instantly in love with you on your first live meeting. What have you ever done online that translated into a real world skill? Texting or live voice chatting online may ease your comfort level, but it won’t do anything for your interpersonal skills with other women in real life. > > Slow down and socialize in person first. Get comfortable with talking to women in person. You’re like Raj in The Big Bang Theory, talking a good game in front of the guys (this forum) and going mute in front of a real live woman. Whether you realize or not, someday you’re going to have to carry on an in-person conversation with a woman that you find attractive in a professional or social situation. Most of the people in my circle are either in relationship or getting engaged. Therefore, in my mind I should be engaged or in a relationship but I am not. So, that may be the reason why I am coming across a little desperate and hasty. ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_R.Mortiss](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tim_r.mortiss/32/142_2.png) [@Tim\_R.Mortiss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_R.Mortiss)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2018, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/23 "2018-06-24T23:28:06Z")
> [@Dan44](#): > > Most of the people in my circle are either in relationship or getting engaged. Therefore, in my mind I should be engaged or in a relationship but I am not. So, that may be the reason why I am coming across a little desperate and hasty. Many of my friends got married in their early twenties. NONE of those marriages lasted. The ones that got remarried, mostly in their thirties, have fared much better. There is plenty of time. ---
**Author:** ![lingyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@lingyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lingyi)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2018, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/24 "2018-06-25T01:30:33Z")
My recommendation is unless you’re in a stable job that you’re confident you won’t want leave within the next 10 years and have done the majority of things on your singles to-do list (travel, skydive, climb a mountain, whatever it is), you shouldn’t get married, especially in your 20’s. Get your life in order financially and emotionally before trying to bring someone into it. I knew two girls (one 18, the other 19) who immediately (I’m talking days) after they were married, tell me it was the worst decision of their lives. The were both virgins (hey, I said women feel comfortable talking to me) and said their husbands changed after the first night. I consoled them, assuring it would get better, but thought to myself, “Of course they changed, they got what they were after!”. ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2018, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/25 "2018-06-25T02:03:37Z")
For what it’s worth (almost nothing), I have met two different women, both with very conspicuous speech impediments, and found myself strongly attracted to them. It may be that there is a girl who would think your stuttering is an amazing turn-on, and she will fall into your arms. Especially if you appear to be socially comfortable with the condition. Give her a chance. ---
**Author:** ![lingyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@lingyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lingyi)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2018, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/26 "2018-06-25T02:37:56Z")
I’m going to say this one last thing that just dawned on me. The OP hasn’t said the important thing: “I want a girlfriend/wife”, “I want to fall in love”, “I want someone to love” or “I want someone to share my joy/life with”. Everything said is about himself and how others have moved on with their lives and he feels left behind. Me, me, me. _SIGH_ Good luck to the OP and I truly hope you find the love of your life, but you can’t find true love by analyzing the steps to get there. ---
**Author:** ![Dan44](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecc23a/32.png) [@Dan44](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dan44)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2018, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/27 "2018-06-25T02:40:15Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > For what it’s worth (almost nothing), I have met two different women, both with very conspicuous speech impediments, and found myself strongly attracted to them. It may be that there is a girl who would think your stuttering is an amazing turn-on, and she will fall into your arms. Especially if you appear to be socially comfortable with the condition. Give her a chance. I feel like it is completely up to me. I can come across all confident and show that I don’t care about my stutter or on the other hand, I can act as if I am very insecure about it. I think the best way to go is to act as if it is not a problem and hopefully the girl on the other hand wouldn’t think it is an issue as well. ---
**Author:** ![Dan44](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecc23a/32.png) [@Dan44](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dan44)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2018, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/28 "2018-06-25T02:55:36Z")
> [@lingyi](#): > > I’m going to say this one last thing that just dawned on me. > > The OP hasn’t said the important thing: “I want a girlfriend/wife”, “I want to fall in love”, “I want someone to love” or “I want someone to share my joy/life with”. > > Everything said is about himself and how others have moved on with their lives and he feels left behind. Me, me, me. _SIGH_ > > Good luck to the OP and I truly hope you find the love of your life, but you can’t find true love by analyzing the steps to get there. I am not one of those guys who will go where ever life take them. In my mind, I need to have a plan. I should know every in and out before I go and find love. That’s just my way! ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2018, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/29 "2018-06-25T03:43:35Z")
Is English your first language? You are making certain errors in verb conjugation and preposition use that I associate with non-native speakers or people that process language in very different ways (i.e., non-neurotypical individuals). If so, those issues are likely also going to play a role. I’m not a doctor and I am certainly not trying to diagnose anything, I’m just suggesting that you may be looking at this as being all about the stutter when it is actually more nuanced. Also, if you have a “circle”, do they know you’d like to meet someone? People can and do set up their friends. ---
**Author:** ![Dan44](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecc23a/32.png) [@Dan44](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dan44)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2018, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/30 "2018-06-25T04:03:15Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > Is English your first language? You are making certain errors in verb conjugation and preposition use that I associate with non-native speakers or people that process language in very different ways (i.e., non-neurotypical individuals). If so, those issues are likely also going to play a role. I’m not a doctor and I am certainly not trying to diagnose anything, I’m just suggesting that you may be looking at this as being all about the stutter when it is actually more nuanced. > > Also, if you have a “circle”, do they know you’d like to meet someone? People can and do set up their friends. English is not my first language. I do have a circle of friends but I don’t want to let them know that I need a girl. I have a certain reputation and I don’t want to ruin it by asking them for help. I would rather struggle myself and find someone. ---
**Author:** ![nelliebly](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nelliebly/32/5422_2.png) [@nelliebly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nelliebly)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2018, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/31 "2018-06-25T04:22:58Z")
> [@Dan44](#): > > Thanks for your message. What should I be writing when I message them? I often struggle with this when it comes to online dating. As a woman what will make you respond to a guy? Talking about similar interests? That’s one good topic, yes. “I see from reading your profile that…” and then mentioning anything you might have in common. Her favorite spot is the Grand Canyon, and you went there on a family trip and loved it–that sort of thing. Complements are good, too, as long as they’re not fake: Wow, you speak 5 languages? What a great smile! or if you’re confident enough, “I have to tell you, you are drop-dead gorgeous.” Different approaches appeal to different women. I’ve had a lot of female friends who’ve been on OLD. Let me get more opinions and get back to you. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2018, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/32 "2018-06-25T04:45:45Z")
Work on your writing, and don’t make “getting a girl” your priority. Get good at writing, write for your student newspaper, start a blog, become active on a message board like this. If it’s hard for people to get to know you because of your speech impediment, let people get to know you through your writing. Let your personality and opinions shine through your writing, since it’s probably hard to do that in spoken conversation. Take writing classes. When I was a journalist back in my early 20s, there was a guy who interned with us who had a really bad stutter. Listening to him phone interview someone from across the room was difficult at times. But the dude could _write_. Sure, his stutter made it difficult for him to connect with people at first, either over the phone or in-person, but his ability to write allowed people inside his head in a way that a two-minute conversation never could. He had a certain swagger that came from his time writing for the student newspaper at his college, and that carried over into his post-college life. In short: Stop focusing on dating, and start focusing on how others can get to know you-- through your writing, for example (or music, or whatever). You weren’t gifted with strong oral communication skills (although I do know stutterers who, though speech therapy, communicate 99% without a stutter), and that’s a-ok. So focus on other ways of showing others who you are and what you’re all about. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2018, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/33 "2018-06-25T04:59:15Z")
> [@Channing\_Idaho\_Banks](#): > > Do you sing? K-K-Kens C-c-c-oming to k-k-k-kill me. > [@Dan44](#): > > I am on [Match.com](http://Match.com) now a day. I have sent about 20 messages to 20 different girls but none of them have responded. I understand that it may be how I present myself > or the pics I have uploaded. I also try to change my pics every once in a while. Would you recommend any other sites? I don’t know how you present yourself, but as was noted, send out more messages. I usually figure you’ll get a reply to a 25-50%, of which 5-10 will result in a date and maybe 1 will end up with a second date. I know it’s hard and I’m no better, but send out more messages, you might send out 50 before someone replies. Remember, you have no commitment just because you emailed someone, even if they reply. You can, for any number of reasons, stop talking to them, most people won’t take offense to that. However, don’t send identical messages to each person. Not only can people spot canned messages, many people on dating sites know each other. They’ll put it together and that’ll be the end of that. Also, as you’re reading other people’s profiles, keep in mind things about the way it’s written and use those ideas for yours. Similarly, don’t put things in your profile or remove them if they’re their when you see similar things in other profiles and don’t like it. Once you’ve done a few rewrites, it’ll sound more and more like you. Lastly WRT the stutter, I’m not sure if this helps you at all, but in my high school Spanish class there was one person that stuttered so bad it took him 30 seconds to say one or two words. No one ever gave it a second though. I understand that it’s much easier for me to tell you this than for you to ignore the stutter, but if it helps, while not common, we all come across stutters and it’s typically not even worth bringing up. As far as how you appear to others, stuttering ranks pretty low on the list of issues to have. Honestly, the person trying to open the door while using crutches or speaking an unfamiliar language is more memorable than a stutter. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2018, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/34 "2018-06-25T05:09:00Z")
> [@Dan44](#): > > Thanks for your message. What should I be writing when I message them? I often struggle with this when it comes to online dating. As a woman what will make you respond to a guy? Talking about similar interests? Don’t mention that you struggle with online dating. Everyone (well, most people) struggle with it in one way or another and it doesn’t exactly exude confidence. What I’ve found to work to get the ball rolling is find something in her profile, _anything_ and ask a question about it. Ask what kind of dog she has (or if she has any pets) or where she went to school. It’s just an icebreaker. You ask, she answers, go from there. The other part of this, that I’ve learned is to make sure every.single.message has a question in it. Like, scan the message before you send it and make sure you can find a question mark in it. It’s much easier to respond to questions than statements. The only downside of always asking questions is that you can very quickly find yourself carrying the conversation and that can turn (even incorrectly) ‘OMG, can’t wait to meet her’ to ‘she seems really boring’. > [@nelliebly](#): > > That’s one good topic, yes. “I see from reading your profile that…” and then mentioning anything you might have in common. Her favorite spot is the Grand Canyon, and you went there on a family trip and loved it–that sort of thing. Complements are good, too, as long as they’re not fake: Wow, you speak 5 languages? What a great smile! or if you’re confident enough, “I have to tell you, you are drop-dead gorgeous.” Agreed, but as I said, ask a question, even a ‘dumb’ one. For example you can mention that you also went to the Grand Canyon, but ask her when she went. Instead of her thinking ‘big deal he went to the grand canyon’, she can reply with “I went there a few years ago, when did you go”. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2018, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/35 "2018-06-25T05:16:47Z")
One last thing I meant to add. Try Bumble. It requires her to talk to you first. You’ll often just get a ‘hi’, but at least it’s an indication that she’s interest in talking to you. ---
**Author:** ![Dereknocue67](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/6de8d8/32.png) [@Dereknocue67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dereknocue67)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2018, 8:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/36 "2018-06-25T08:46:13Z")
As a teenager, I also had a stuttering/stammering issue and as a result, I would tend not to speak that often in social situations as peers would make fun of and mimic my speech pattern. At age 16, a young girl caught my eye and I decided to ask her out on a date. I was with a small group at a burger joint and she was seated next to me, After a while, I finally found the courage to turn to her and pop the question. To this day, I really don’t remember the exact words I used but there was some stammering and to me it seemed like an eternity to get my words out. What I do remember, is the expression on her face as I verbally struggled with my question. Although I may have been reading more into her expression than there actually was, I remember that it was a smile of understanding and acceptance as she nodded. Could it have gone the other way? Sure, but you have to try because otherwise, you’ll live a life filled with, ‘If Only’ or, ‘I should have’. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2018, 9:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/37 "2018-06-25T09:53:54Z")
The first time I went to the US I spent a week at a Youth Hostel in New York, and became part of an ever-changing group of people who’d get together every afternoon and talk about what we’d done, plans for the next day, life back home… whatever. One day we were talking about language issues and one thing every single ESL person in the group agreed on was that, of the group of three Australian guys, the one we preferred listening to was - the one who stuttered. You see, since he enunciated carefully and spoke slowly, for us it was much easier to follow him than his mates. He was very happy to hear it 🙂 In your case, the people who will be thrown off by a stutter are likely to be the same who would be thrown off by the foreign accent. Soooo - you’re looking for one of the many, many, who will not see either one as a problem but just as one of the things that makes Dan be Dan. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2018, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/38 "2018-06-25T12:00:33Z")
> [@Dan44](#): > > English is not my first language. I do have a circle of friends but I don’t want to let them know that I need a girl. I have a certain reputation and I don’t want to ruin it by asking them for help. I would rather struggle myself and find someone. This sounds like you think “finding a girl” is a coming-of-age quest. Probably half the couples I know met through mutual friends. That doesn’t mean anyone “needed help”, that’s just how people meet others. If you have a circle, are their no girls in it? Do they never bring other girls around? ---
**Author:** ![Leo\_Bloom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leo_bloom/32/10377_2.png) [@Leo\_Bloom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leo_Bloom)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2018, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/39 "2018-06-25T13:23:57Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > Don’t mention that you struggle with online dating. Everyone (well, most people) struggle with it in one way or another and it doesn’t exactly exude confidence. > What I’ve found to work to get the ball rolling is find something in her profile, _anything_ and ask a question about it. Ask what kind of dog she has (or if she has any pets) or where she went to school. It’s just an icebreaker. You ask, she answers, go from there. > The other part of this, that I’ve learned is to make sure every.single.message has a question in it. Like, scan the message before you send it and make sure you can find a question mark in it. It’s much easier to respond to questions than statements. > The only downside of always asking questions is that you can very quickly find yourself carrying the conversation and that can turn (even incorrectly) ‘OMG, can’t wait to meet her’ to ‘she seems really boring’. > > Agreed, but as I said, ask a question, even a ‘dumb’ one. For example you can mention that you also went to the Grand Canyon, but ask her when she went. Instead of her thinking ‘big deal he went to the grand canyon’, she can reply with “I went there a few years ago, when did you go”. OP, it can’t hurt to take **Joey P**.'s advice. But note it could be he was the model for the following re-enactment (and you won’t be a virgin at 40): [Specific Technique on How to Talk to Women](https://youtu.be/jm1qOT1FCzk). ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2018, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663/40 "2018-06-25T13:49:15Z")
> [@Dan44](#): > > Yes! In fact, I play guitar. I don’t know how it can help me. Mel Tillis springs to mind. And while there isn’t the guitar I am thinking Jimmy Stewart as well. There is a current comedian out there too who has a pretty bad stutter. I can understand being self-conscious about it but a lot of how women will react is how you react. If you can get over it, in a manner of speaking, some of them will. Not all ---- but enough to make it worth the risk. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/stuttering-and-dating/816663.md?page=3)