# Subtle Solicitation of Social Suggestions **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 25, 2005, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562 "2005-08-25T14:16:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![wasson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/4da419/32.png) [@wasson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wasson)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/21 "2005-08-25T16:12:36Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > “Listen, there’s been something I’ve been meaning to tell you. It’s hard for me to say, so please be patient with me. > I really like you…as in more than friends. I enjoy the time we spend together, and want to spend more of it with you. But…I don’t want to lose our friendship, either. > Is there any possibility you might feel the same? Or am I just dreaming?” This may be what the girl wants to hear, but c’mon. No way could a guy who can’t read signals get this spiel out. I know… I’m one of 'em. I would go for something less dramatic and romantic-comedy-like. Next time she calls you inviting you to a movie or whatever, just say “well, that depends. Are we going as friends or is this a date?” If she asks why you want to know, tell her its so you’ll know how to dress. Eventually she’ll give you an answer. Reading her response, you’ll be able to guess what she’s thinking, I reckon. And if its going as friends, both she and you can easily brush it off as a joke. Much less stress for everyone concerned. > [@](#): > > ``` > Again, my goal here is to settle my mind on the matter, and an affirmative answer to that particular question doesn't help me. > > ``` So you’re saying you don’t know if you want to date her? I’m confused. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/22 "2005-08-25T16:16:31Z")
Ok. Go with light-hearted. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/23 "2005-08-25T16:18:17Z")
I’m still confused. Are you saying there’s a sexual element already, and you just want to know about exclusivity? Or what? ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/24 "2005-08-25T16:32:19Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > I’m still confused. Are you saying there’s a sexual element already, and you just want to know about exclusivity? Or what? No. Hm. It’s hard to explain, becuase it’s crystal clear to me, and I don’t understand where our communication is breaking down. > [@Leviosaurus](#): > > It’s a lot simpler than most posters are making it out to be. Just ask her the same question you asked in the OP: “I can’t tell if these dates are ‘two friends going out to a movie and stuff’ or ‘romantic date-dates.’ I’d be happy either way, to be honest. What is it to you?” I like this, but is it likely to work? > [@Anaamika](#): > > Well, just ask her. Take her out somewhere nice, and when you have some quiet time (walk in the park?) take her hands, turn her to face you, look deeply into her eyes, and say, (snip) No, no, that’s not me at all. It’d be horribly phony and … agh. No. I’m a Giant Turtle, not William Shakespeare. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/25 "2005-08-25T16:33:47Z")
> [@wasson](#): > > So you’re saying you don’t know if you want to date her? I’m confused. No, I’m saying the answer to the suggested question doesn’t help me distinguish between real dating or friend dating. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/26 "2005-08-25T16:42:14Z")
**There is no such thing as "friend dating."** There is friends hanging out, and there is dating. There is no intermediate category. (Am I channeling some movie guru here or something?) ---
**Author:** ![pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/27 "2005-08-25T16:51:17Z")
Do you get the feeling there’s maybe some other issue here? ---
**Author:** ![Leviosaurus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/439d5e/32.png) [@Leviosaurus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leviosaurus)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/28 "2005-08-25T16:54:56Z")
> [@CandidGamera](#): > > I like this, but is it likely to work? It’s worked for me. I’ve found it’s always best not to complicate things, just get right down to it. Prepare yourself for the fact that you might not get an answer you want. But understand that no amount of beating around the bush, preparing or rephrasing is going to change the answer she’s eventually going to give you. You can ask ambiguous questions and get ambiguous answers and keep wondering what it all means for another week or month or year, or you can just ask directly now and get it over with. Call her up and set this up for tonight - If she’s into you, you will be in heavy makeout mode within eight hours of reading this. Won’t that be nice? If she isn’t into you, better to know now and not waste time, eh? Just ask. You’re not afraid to ask us, and we’re a bunch of strangers. Why should you be afraid to ask her? ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/29 "2005-08-25T16:56:51Z")
> [@pseudotriton ruber ruber](#): > > Do you get the feeling there’s maybe some other issue here? Oh, there’re lots of issues here. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![wasson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/4da419/32.png) [@wasson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wasson)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/30 "2005-08-25T17:02:14Z")
If there’s not been any kissing/hand holding/etc., and she’s dating other guys, I’m going to go out on a limb and say she’s not into you as a boyfriend or relationship other than a friendship. If there’s signals she’s throwing out that say otherwise to you, throw them out and people better at deciphering signals can tell you what they mean. However, if you’re still unsure, then you have no choice but ask her and prepare for the worst possible outcome. The worst possible outcome in this case, I believe, will be an awkward conversation where neither of you knows what to say. This will be followed by a couple weeks of avoidance and uncomfortable situations. After a month or so, it will all be forgotten and there will be no issues. That’s WORST case scenario. You don’t have a lot to lose by asking. I’m just wondering if asking is even necessary. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/31 "2005-08-25T17:23:33Z")
There are weak signals, I think - but also contrary signals. I’m not going to lay them all out for analysis at the present time, though. But asking is necessary. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/32 "2005-08-25T17:34:58Z")
If you’re going on dates but there hasn’t been any significant physical contact, I’d guess she’s either waiting for you to make a move, or you’re actually just hanging out as friends. If the outings have been acknowledged to be dates by her, I’d guess it’s probably the former. If you’re just going out to dinner together occasionally, it’s probably the latter. It’s hard to guess the situation based only on what you’ve written. In general, the line between dating (both casually and exclusively) and platonic friendship is physical affection. If you want to date this woman, you have to make a move. You can ask her first, if you want, but be warned that if she’s on the fence, being bold and confident enough to simply assert your desire to (e.g.) kiss her by kissing her may be the deciding factor. ---
**Author:** ![Cranky\_Hermit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/13edae/32.png) [@Cranky\_Hermit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cranky_Hermit)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/33 "2005-08-25T17:43:04Z")
OK, Giant Turtle, I’m confused too. I get the feeling you don’t care one way or the other, you just want the 2 of you to be on the same page. If you really don’t care, why bother? ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/34 "2005-08-25T17:49:29Z")
> [@Cranky Hermit](#): > > OK, Giant Turtle, I’m confused too. I get the feeling you don’t care one way or the other, you just want the 2 of you to be on the same page. If you really don’t care, why bother? I do care. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have asked her out in the first place… ---
**Author:** ![Corner\_Case](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/corner_case/32/234_2.png) [@Corner\_Case](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Corner_Case)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/35 "2005-08-25T18:03:52Z")
> [@CandidGamera](#): > > No. Hm. It’s hard to explain, becuase it’s crystal clear to me, and I don’t understand where our communication is breaking down. I like **Leviosaurus** ’ comment about asking her the same way you asked in the OP. First and foremost, you have to be _you_, not some romantic movie hero (not that I’m dissin ya). What relationship was _Larry_ on _Three’s Company_ every going to get when he always lied to the girl? What I think you’re saying about wanting clarity is simply that - you have relationship X and it is complete. What you want to know is if she want’s relationship X+L. If she does, great. If not, then nothing is lost because you haven’t moved into relationship X+L. The big fear is that asking makes things awkward and you end up with X/2. Does that fit? As a guy who has dated four women (and is married to the last and has three kids), I know how hard it is to ask. I don’t want to put on pressure for More-Relationship because just that single step creates more-relationship and a “no” answer means a loss. When I was dumped it took 1) months, 2) days, 3) 30 minutes, to get over it. However, it’s got to be done, because asking the question of yourself has already created more-relationship with her than before. You are in no-mans-land. The only direction is more-relationship or less-relationship at this point. Only over time can less-relationship return to the relationship you had before (checks OP time-stamp) today. Wouldn’t it be nice to have that power of Supermans’ where he kisses the girl and makes her forget? Why Lois didn’t deck him when he restored her memory is another question. ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/36 "2005-08-25T18:08:15Z")
> [@Corner Case](#): > > Wouldn’t it be nice to have that power of Supermans’ where he kisses the girl and makes her forget? Why Lois didn’t deck him when he restored her memory is another question. This particular power seems to be coming up a lot this week, eh? If all else fails, hit her with the Expanding Illusory Cellophane Shield. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/37 "2005-08-25T18:19:29Z")
> [@Draelin](#): > > This particular power seems to be coming up a lot this week, eh? > > If all else fails, hit her with the Expanding Illusory Cellophane Shield. 🙂 Well, I have crayons and wax paper - don’t think I can swing the illusory bit, though. 😉 Corner Case - nicely put. ---
**Author:** ![Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freddy_the_Pig)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/38 "2005-08-25T18:36:17Z")
> [@Leviosaurus](#): > > Just ask. You’re not afraid to ask us, and we’re a bunch of strangers. Why should you be afraid to ask her? It’s easier to ask us precisely _because_ we’re a bunch of strangers! And because the question is, “What should I say,” as opposed to “Do you like me as much as I like you?” Anyway, I read all of these “friends or dates” threads with interest, since I’m in the same situation. The moment of truth for me will come on 9/7, when I next see my “friend” and attempt to upgrade. If only I could redeem all my Frequent Loser coupons for an upgrade. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/39 "2005-08-25T18:43:24Z")
So…are you going to ask? ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/40 "2005-08-25T18:49:00Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > So…are you going to ask? Probably! It’s a definite maybe. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562.md?page=3)