# Subtle Solicitation of Social Suggestions **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 25, 2005, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562 "2005-08-25T14:16:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Leviosaurus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/439d5e/32.png) [@Leviosaurus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leviosaurus)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/41 "2005-08-25T18:52:58Z")
> [@Freddy the Pig](#): > > It’s easier to ask us precisely _because_ we’re a bunch of strangers! It’s that kind of logic which is making it hard for you, dude. Let me ask you something - Are you a different person online than you are in real life? It sounds to me like you are more confident, more open and more sure of yourself online. Is that right? Now here’s a much tougher question: Do you always want to live that way? Mark Twain once said something on the order of ‘When you get old, you never regret the things you’ve done, you only regret the things you didn’t do.’ Carpe Diem, my friend - just go ahead and ask. If the answer is no, find someone else to ask. The only barriers are the ones you set in your head. (To be fair, it took me many years to get the courage to ask straight and blunt questions like these. Benefit from my experience, spare yourself the years and learn it now!) ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_Tonya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/4491bb/32.png) [@Queen\_Tonya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Tonya)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/42 "2005-08-25T18:59:38Z")
I’ve gotta ask, even for a avowed signal misser, are the usual signs there? The snuggling up to one bag of popcorn at the movies, frequent touching of your hands and arms, hair swishing and playing, all those things chicks do when they’re interested? Truly, if I’d hung out with a guy more than a few times without him going for a kiss, I’d figure he just wasn’t into me. Wouldn’t necessarily mean we couldn’t hang out, but it’d be a definite clue, because there is no friend-dating thing. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/43 "2005-08-25T19:20:03Z")
> [@Queen Tonya](#): > > I’ve gotta ask, even for a avowed signal misser, are the usual signs there? The snuggling up to one bag of popcorn at the movies, frequent touching of your hands and arms, hair swishing and playing, all those things chicks do when they’re interested? Again, I’m not going into that for the time being. > [@](#): > > Truly, if I’d hung out with a guy more than a few times without him going for a kiss, _I’d figure he just wasn’t into me._ Wouldn’t necessarily mean we couldn’t hang out, but it’d be a definite clue, because there is no friend-dating thing. Really? That’s just completely alien to my brain. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/44 "2005-08-25T19:23:29Z")
> [@Queen Tonya](#): > > Truly, if I’d hung out with a guy more than a few times without him going for a kiss, I’d figure he just wasn’t into me. Wouldn’t necessarily mean we couldn’t hang out, but it’d be a definite clue, because there is no friend-dating thing. I agree with this, too. Not to drag poor other Dopers into this, but there is another one who shall remain nameles…he was just having these same issues with a girl at his work. Anyway, she’s now dating someone else, as of four days ago. If he’d only \*moved \* when he had the chance… We have the same nervous kind of issues as you do. If you don’t make any kind of a move or say anything, we assume it’s time to move on. I’d probably expect you to try to kiss me by the second date (if not the first!) if you were really interested. ---
**Author:** ![wasson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/4da419/32.png) [@wasson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wasson)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/45 "2005-08-25T19:32:52Z")
> [@](#): > > We have the same nervous kind of issues as you do. If you don’t make any kind of a move or say anything, we assume it’s time to move on. I’d probably expect you to try to kiss me by the second date (if not the first!) if you were really interested. But isn’t it different if you’ve been friends for a while first? I know in my case, I was friends with her for like 10 years before I ever was attracted to her. We went for months and months without sober kisses. She knew I was interested enough to stick around and not date anyone else. I can see meeting a stranger, asking for a date, then not kissing by the 3rd meaning “I only like you as a friend”. But starting as a friend and moving into a “deeper” relationship… I think there’s a lot more leeway as to when the kissing starts. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/46 "2005-08-25T19:34:51Z")
**wasson** : I guess. But I was in a similar siuation a few years ago, and just assumed that he wasn’t interested in me, and just wanted to be friends forever. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/47 "2005-08-25T19:50:29Z")
> [@CandidGamera](#): > > twickster : I’m in the odd brainspace where what I _most_ want is clarity. Certainly, I’d like it to be more than friendship, but I’m not going to be devastated if that’s not what she wants. > > Lionel : You underestimate my cluelessness about social signals. It’s clear to ME that you’re just friends. Do you want to be more? You’ll have to ask her if she’d like to start seeing you romantically. Of course, you may skeeve her out and she won’t want to be friends anymore, but that’s the chance you take. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/48 "2005-08-25T19:56:12Z")
> [@Kalhoun](#): > > It’s clear to ME that you’re just friends. Do you want to be more? You’ll have to ask her if she’d like to start seeing you romantically. Of course, you may skeeve her out and she won’t want to be friends anymore, but that’s the chance you take. Good luck! If you perceive clarity in the situation with the near total lack of evidence I’ve provided, then you must be psychic. 😉 There’s a reason I didn’t present this as ‘Is She or Isn’t She interested?’ but rather, ‘How do I find out?’ ---
**Author:** ![wasson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/4da419/32.png) [@wasson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wasson)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/49 "2005-08-25T19:57:37Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > **wasson** : I guess. But I was in a similar siuation a few years ago, and just assumed that he wasn’t interested in me, and just wanted to be friends forever. Hm… interesting. I know I was throwing out pretty unmistakable “I really like you” signals to her, but kissing definitely wasn’t one of them. Did you assume he wasn’t interested because he didn’t try to kiss you, or because you weren’t getting ANY signals? ---
**Author:** ![wasson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/4da419/32.png) [@wasson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wasson)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/50 "2005-08-25T19:59:08Z")
> [@](#): > > There’s a reason I didn’t present this as ‘Is She or Isn’t She interested?’ but rather, ‘How do I find out?’ These seem like the same question to me. If you know she’s interested, why do you have to find out? ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/51 "2005-08-25T20:01:45Z")
> [@wasson](#): > > Hm… interesting. I know I was throwing out pretty unmistakable “I really like you” signals to her, but kissing definitely wasn’t one of them. > > Did you assume he wasn’t interested because he didn’t try to kiss you, or because you weren’t getting ANY signals? It seemed like he was giving lots of \*verbal \* signals. Perhaps I misread every one, I guess, but…I knew he wasn’t the type to like the girl asking him. So I didn’t go that route. ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/52 "2005-08-25T20:04:09Z")
> [@wasson](#): > > These seem like the same question to me. If you know she’s interested, why do you have to find out? Let’s argue by analogy. There’s an electrical tap. I don’t know if it has current or not. I could ask ‘Does it or does it not have current?’ and solicit a bunch of opinions over the internet. Some of them might be very well-reasoned, but lacking in direct evidence, they become suspect. (and psychology is a lot less black and white than electronics) - so instead I ask - ‘How do I find out if the circuit is live?’ Not only does this give me better results, but I’ve learned something for future use. ---
**Author:** ![wasson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/4da419/32.png) [@wasson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wasson)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/53 "2005-08-25T20:14:12Z")
> [@](#): > > It seemed like he was giving lots of verbal signals. Perhaps I misread every one, I guess, but…I knew he wasn’t the type to like the girl asking him. So I didn’t go that route. Do you regret not trying? Would you have gone for it if he made himself clear he wanted to? > [@](#): > > There’s an electrical tap. I don’t know if it has current or not. I could ask ‘Does it or does it not have current?’ and solicit a bunch of opinions over the internet. Some of them might be very well-reasoned, but lacking in direct evidence, they become suspect. (and psychology is a lot less black and white than electronics) - so instead I ask - ‘How do I find out if the circuit is live?’ Not only does this give me better results, but I’ve learned something for future use. Ah… I gotcha. Well, look for the standard signals. My girl got drunk and told me she loved me… you probably won’t get anything that obvious. Watch for her to touch you a little more often, like leaning on you to reach across the table, or rubbing arms at the movie theater, or her putting her hand on your leg to get your attention. Does she call you often during the week? Does she treat you differently than her other guy friends? ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/54 "2005-08-25T20:18:52Z")
> [@wasson](#): > > Do you regret not trying? Would you have gone for it if he made himself clear he wanted to? I regret not trying insofar as he was a nice guy, and it might have been something, but I’m in a great happy relaitonship now, so no crying in my beer. I would have gone for it, though. He was \*very \* like my current SO…even looks like him a bit. ---
**Author:** ![Cranky\_Hermit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/13edae/32.png) [@Cranky\_Hermit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cranky_Hermit)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/55 "2005-08-25T20:44:23Z")
Sorry CandidGamera, I think I get it now. and I agree with the many…you need to ask. ---
**Author:** ![Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freddy_the_Pig)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/56 "2005-08-25T20:58:11Z")
> [@Leviosaurus](#): > > It’s that kind of logic which is making it hard for you, dude. Let me ask you something - Are you a different person online than you are in real life? It sounds to me like you are more confident, more open and more sure of yourself online. Is that right? Nah, I’m a wuss online, too! 🙂 > [@](#): > > Carpe Diem, my friend - just go ahead and ask. Oh, I will, don’t worry. But I won’t lie and say it’s going to be easy. It’s too _important_ to be easy! (I should add, the reason I haven’t asked until now wasn’t wussiness, it was because until recently we were co-workers who saw each other every day at the office. Different people have different opinions about this, but for me, that was one diem I didn’t want to carpe!) ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_Tonya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/4491bb/32.png) [@Queen\_Tonya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Tonya)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/57 "2005-08-25T22:55:14Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I agree with this, too. Thank you! See **twickster**? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2005, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/58 "2005-08-26T12:25:02Z")
So… I was planning to ask, but then a better opportunity to comment came along, and there was discussion. Long story short, there’s more (but not total) clarity, and it seems she digs me, so that’s good. But she doesn’t like to make the first move, and I’m incompetent, so sometime before the next Ice Age… maybe… Still! Definitely good news. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2005, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/59 "2005-08-26T13:20:21Z")
Yay! And if she digs you – go for it. Yay! ---
**Author:** ![wasson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/4da419/32.png) [@wasson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wasson)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2005, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562/60 "2005-08-26T13:30:55Z")
If you know she digs you, making the first move should be a piece of cake. I’m pretty incompetant myself, but it seems you’re in the clear. Just give her a goodnight kiss after one of your dates. Done and done. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/subtle-solicitation-of-social-suggestions/318562.md?page=4)