# Suggestions for Clown Removal **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 13, 2004, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888 "2004-05-13T00:47:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Hyperelastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Hyperelastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hyperelastic)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888/1 "2004-05-13T00:47:15Z")
There’s another thread on clowns, which has reminded me to post something I’ve been meaning to ask for a while. Everyone hates clowns, except other clowns and my department secretary and her kid. In our “office bay”, i.e., the main room from which the individual offices branch out, there’s a whiteboard on which our secretary’s kid has drawn a very obnoxious looking clown, and just for emphasis, he wrote “CLOWNS” in big balloon letters underneath it. This thing has been on the whiteboard for over two years now, and it has absolutely got to go. I can imagine people from other departments making jokes about how we are actually the Department of Clowns. There’s also a big display case full of clown dolls. I don’t think I can do anything about that, but the clown drawing has been begging to be erased for a long time. Anyone got any ideas on how I could get rid of the clown drawing? I do not have supervisory authority over this secretary, or it would have been eraser dust long ago. I once “mutilated” it with an eraser streak when nobody was around, but the damn kid came back and fixed it. I could just erase it, but he can just draw it again. What I really need is to eliminate the whiteboard itself - it’s not used for anything except the clown. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888/2 "2004-05-13T01:23:13Z")
**Scary Clown Take Downs** Next on Channel 7 Action News. /got nothing ---
**Author:** ![ZebraShaSha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/eada6e/32.png) [@ZebraShaSha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZebraShaSha)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888/3 "2004-05-13T01:34:45Z")
Is the door closed and have you unplugged the phone?.. Good… What we need is a rubber band, three juice boxes, a stryofoam airplane, oak leaves, and quartz flavored sewing thread. Got all that? Great, figure out something to do with it. Do you mean actual destruction? I am down with actual destruction… ---
**Author:** ![ftg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ftg/32/2801_2.png) [@ftg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ftg)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888/4 "2004-05-13T01:48:00Z")
Erase it (which might be hard if it’s been up 2 years), then apply car wax to the board. Wipe on, let dry, buff off- just like a car. Can be cleaned off later if desired. Or: Put an Official Important Announcement on it. (Or an Unofficial one: “Due to 9/11, we no longer allow persons under the age of 18 to write on whiteboards. Please co-operate with this Official Edict from the Department of Homeland Security.”) ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888/5 "2004-05-13T02:00:56Z")
Clowns? Can you just cram them all into a Volkswagen or something? ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888/6 "2004-05-13T05:42:15Z")
_Leprechaun voice_ BURN IT ALL, LADDIE! ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888/7 "2004-05-13T05:48:21Z")
Every clown has a silver linedance. So, start playing Electric Slide music, and then…uh-oh, I gottago. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888/8 "2004-05-13T06:21:05Z")
The term you are looking for is ‘declownization’. The best way to remove it is by ‘accident’. If you have a child, bring them to the office one day. “oh dear. My child drew all over that clown! I am soooooooo sorry!” ---
**Author:** ![Gamaliel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b487fb/32.png) [@Gamaliel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gamaliel)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 7:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888/9 "2004-05-13T07:50:23Z")
Steal the whiteboard. Either that or erase the clown and draw a pirate. That will really confuse people. ---
**Author:** ![The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a87d85/32.png) [@The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_King_of_Soup)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 8:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888/10 "2004-05-13T08:05:26Z")
You must get out now. Resign your position without notice. Leave behind your personal mementoes and ornaments. If homelessness awaits you, embrace it, for it is your escape. It may already be too late. I know this is true, because your story was once mine. I was once like you, a happy man in an office in a department of a company. This company processed substances, and was a leader in its field according to all the substance-processing trade journals. Its employees were content and productive, and were given needed office supplies without excessive paperwork. Suddenly my department received a white message board, and colored markers with which to make colored marks on the board. We were puzzled. We had no need of such a thing. It had no purpose. It was not relevant to our role in the processing of substances. Therefore we ignored it and continued to work productively and contentedly. One day there was a picture on the board, a picture of a clown. It was drawn in color, and we surmised that it had been done with the markers that had come with the message board. But the clown seemed also to have no relevance to the efficient processing of substances, and we paid it no more attention. Time passed. No one today remembers when the first of the clown dolls appeared in the department’s display case. By the time we noticed it, the display case was so full of clowns that they obscured our view of samples of the substances we had so proudly helped to process. But they did not interfere with our daily work, and were soon forgotten, as were the circus posters that appeared on our walls at about the same time. The air, barely perceptibly, began to smell different, but we assumed that the company was merely processing some new substance and soon we were unconscious of that as well. I remember a fellow employee, whom I shall call Bob Elliott because I do not want to bother with thinking up a fake name for him, saying to me “I am feeling a trifle sick of clowns. That clown on the message board, for example, is downright creepy. It is not even well-drawn, it looks as if it were done by a child. Tonight, after work, I intend to erase it, and if my courage does not fail me, I shall write on the message board a statement to the effect that a clown _motif_ is not pertinent to this department’s mission in the processing of substances.” I was surprised at his vehemance, having long since stopped noticing clowns myself, but I agreed to keep his words secret. The next day, the poorly-drawn clown on the message board was still there. Bob Elliott was not. His disappearance created a stir in the department, and the remaining employees, though still productive, were measurably less content. The company reacted to this by announcing that it would provide ambient noise generators which had been scientifically proven to elevate mood and decrease stress. They were installed that afternoon. Someone remarked that no matter which setting the machines were on – waterfall, rain forest, surf – the same sound was produced, like static or the roar of a large crowd of people. But as the sound played at a low volume and was not offensive, the employees shrugged and went back to work. And then, when all of us had blinded ourselves to the clowns, numbed ourselves against the smell of the greasepaint and deafened ourselves to the roar of the crowd, it happened. We were defenseless when they came for us, bearing rubber noses and strong adhesive. The company’s “process” was finally complete. We are all clowns now. None but me knows that we have ever been anything else, and I know I shall soon forget. Please do not forget me. ---
**Author:** ![dantheman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dantheman/32/9421_2.png) [@dantheman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dantheman)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 10:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888/11 "2004-05-13T10:08:27Z")
I suggest erasing part of the clown at a time, just to see if anyone notices. With any luck you’ll be down to the outsized fright wig and nothing else before the secretary calls foul. ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 11:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888/12 "2004-05-13T11:54:24Z")
> [@Gamaliel](#): > > … erase the clown and draw a pirate. That will really confuse people. Draw a pirate with a Sharpie. That’ll fix the little brat. Pirates = cool. Clowns = scary. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 12:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888/13 "2004-05-13T12:22:37Z")
Curl up into a ball and start chanting “Can’t work. Clown will eat it.” ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888/14 "2004-05-13T12:23:52Z")
Can’t work. Clown will eat **me**. Can’t post. No coffee. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888/15 "2004-05-13T12:31:32Z")
Okay, **King of Soup** , if no one else is going to say it: That was cool. ---
**Author:** ![Oy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bc8723/32.png) [@Oy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888/16 "2004-05-13T12:36:15Z")
Once upon a time, lo these many years ago, my ex-husband, before he was my husband, worked in a department that on a monthly basis awarded Bobo the Clown to whichever employee had spent the most time and energy on something that turned out to be completely useless. My ex (hereafter referred to as Sestun) had been awarded Bobo (a hobo-style clown) many times, had agitated for his (Bobo’s) dismissal, and despised Bobo with the heat of a thousand suns. So he finally did what he had threatened to do many times. When awarded Bobo, Sestun went forth and purchased some cement and a bucket. Bobo was interred in said bucket, right up to the bottom of his nasty little hat. (Photos were taken showing the progress of this operation). Sestun, who lived in an apartment right on the Delaware, then borrowed a rowboat, took the bucket (with a little hat poking out of the cement) into the middle of the river, and sunk it, again photographing all steps of the process. Photos were distributed around Sestun’s department. Bobo was half-heartedly replaced by Hulk Hogan with Kung Fu Grip, but it was never quite the same. Obviously, burying your admin’s whiteboard picture is not possible. But you could try drawing a bucket of cement over the clown picture, with a caption “Bobo sleeps with the fishes!” ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888/17 "2004-05-13T14:26:28Z")
> [@The King of Soup](#): > > I remember a fellow employee, whom I shall call Bob Elliott because I do not want to bother with thinking up a fake name for him . . . _This_ was brilliant, by the way, **Your Highness**. Worthy of Mr. Benchley. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888/18 "2004-05-13T14:54:26Z")
That was great **KofS**. As for the OP I have three words for you. Thermo Nuckler Weapons Ok ‘Thermo’ is not really a word but you get the idea. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888/19 "2004-05-13T15:07:59Z")
I just gotta know. **Why** is there a big display case full of clown dolls? Does your office manufacture those hideous spawns of satan? If not, and said display case is the secretary’s personal display, and if it’s in a main area where customers and vendors would be coming and going, why would it be allowed? Now, go and parse that last sentence. That should take your mind off clowns for quite a while. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2004, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888/20 "2004-05-13T15:12:04Z")
Step 1. Procure large picture of any now-deceased Chicago-area homicidal maniac in full clown makeup. Step 2. Post this picture next to the whiteboard with a caption underneath saying ‘Playing with Clowns may be Hazardous to Your Health’ Step 3. Let freedom ring. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-clown-removal/244888.md?page=2)