# Suggestions for ways to pick a new Pope **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 11, 2013, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970 "2013-02-11T14:18:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970/1 "2013-02-11T14:18:54Z")
The College of Cardinals and the color coded smoke was impressive in its time but the church needs to modernize. How would you pick the new Pope? Some suggestions: The Vatican Bakery bakes millions and millions of wafers that go out by plane, train, automobile, raven, balloon, pack mule, and any other way wafers can travel to every Catholic church for a special communion. Most are just plain flour and water, but there are five special “Golden Wafers” that will entitle the person receiving them to a trip to the Vatican, where they’ll hear songs such as “Come with me and you’ll see a world of transubstantiation” or nuns sing “Opus Deus opus de doo” until one by one they’re eliminated and only one special candidate remains. OR Benedict XVI stays on to choose his successor from among a team of two dozen. each week telling one “You’re excommunicated!” until there remains only one. Other methods? ---
**Author:** ![si\_blakely](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d9b06d/32.png) [@si\_blakely](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/si_blakely)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970/2 "2013-02-11T14:28:44Z")
The papal enclave is fitted out with cameras, the candidates are shut in. They have regular sessions in _the Confessional_. Bizarre and difficult tasks are assigned by **Big Father** , and the candidates get to vote on who stands for elimination. Then they face the _Vox Populi_… ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970/3 "2013-02-11T14:55:23Z")
Hey, being the Pope involves a lot of singing. I bring you _The Vatacin_ Got Talent. ---
**Author:** ![Casey1505](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970/4 "2013-02-11T15:22:06Z")
Papal Games. Two from each region, last one with a pulse is the Pope. ---
**Author:** ![Tapiotar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3be4f8/32.png) [@Tapiotar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapiotar)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970/5 "2013-02-11T15:22:42Z")
Survivor: Vatican Edition. After competitions, scheming, plotting, the immunity rosary, competitors weekly gather for a Vatican Council to vote who gets elimnated. Poison ensues. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970/6 "2013-02-11T16:07:27Z")
How much could they get on eBay? BE THE NEXT POPE!! ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970/7 "2013-02-11T16:20:56Z")
Dwarf tossing. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970/8 "2013-02-11T16:25:12Z")
Whoever draws the black pickled egg from the jar at Moe’s. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970/9 "2013-02-11T16:25:59Z")
Last Cardinal standing from the [Jammy Shuffle](http://www.hulu.com/#!watch/116561). ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970/10 "2013-02-11T16:27:47Z")
Since the first requirement is being a male, maybe at the pickings penis can ensue. ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970/11 "2013-02-11T16:30:17Z")
Send Tom Hanks on a scavenger hunt - first clue again is taped behind the Mona Lisa, but further clues will be found world-wide. Once Tom has discovered the name, he will light up a cigarette in any restaurant in California and the uproar will be heard nationwide and we will know he was successful in his search! Or they could do it the old fashioned way - offer booze, pills and young boys to the other Cardinals and get enough votes to win one of the rounds of elections - then burning the scraps of papers with all of those promises so nobody can see the deals that were made. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970/12 "2013-02-11T16:34:23Z")
Battle Of The Network Popes Pope Gladiators The Job Survivor: The Vatican ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970/13 "2013-02-11T16:59:41Z")
At 7-11, buy coffee in the cup of the cardinal you want to win. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970/14 "2013-02-11T17:19:25Z")
“Unum solanum tuberosum, Duo solana tuberosa, Tria solana tuberosa, Quattuor…” ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970/15 "2013-02-11T18:11:32Z")
Trial by fire. All candidates must walk through a pit of hot coals. The one who isn’t burnt at the end wins. Everyone else wins if each candidate fails and we have no Pope ---
**Author:** ![Valgard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/7feea3/32.png) [@Valgard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valgard)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970/16 "2013-02-11T18:19:10Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Trial by fire. All candidates must walk through a pit of hot coals. The one who isn’t burnt at the end wins. Everyone else wins if each candidate fails and we have no Pope Pope Tony Robbins? ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970/17 "2013-02-11T18:22:29Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Trial by fire. All candidates must walk through a pit of hot coals. The one who isn’t burnt at the end wins. Everyone else wins if each candidate fails and we have no Pope If there is a tie, we use a den of hungry lions. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970/18 "2013-02-11T18:34:54Z")
**Sampiro**! It hasn’t been the same without you. Tie 'em up and toss 'em in a lake. Everyone knows True Popes don’t float. ---
**Author:** ![drastic\_quench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e36b37/32.png) [@drastic\_quench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drastic_quench)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970/19 "2013-02-11T18:48:21Z")
How about one that doesn’t rape kids and even takes swift and decisive action against those in the church that do rape? Mine might be the most fanciful answer so far! ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2013, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970/20 "2013-02-11T18:57:20Z")
If they’d do one of those caged-combat events, I might even consider converting. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/suggestions-for-ways-to-pick-a-new-pope/649970.md?page=2)