# Summarize the worst romance novel you've read (spoilers, mockery) **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 10, 2008, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396 "2008-06-10T01:59:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Flutterby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Flutterby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flutterby)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2008, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396/61 "2008-06-11T04:09:19Z")
[QUOTE=Evil Captor] I just can’t remember. I’ve read the Johanna Lindsay novel and a Beatrice Small and some of the more modern romances, but the author/title escapes me. However, reading the posts here, there are apparently a lot of romances that fit my description. 😃 [/QUOTE] If it’s the one I’m thinking of by Anne McCaffrey that would be Restoree. The main character is a farm girl who went to the big city and is kidnapped by aliens when they come to earth. She just remembers being herded like cattle into the ship before she wakes up as a nurse to some guy in a psychiatric hospital of some kind. He’s wearing the straight jacket and she basically pulls him along on a leash for walks and feeds him from the blue bowl. After she comes to herself, she overhears conversations to find out that this guy is some lord or kinda king or something like that who is being kept there and drugged, so she works up a plan to get him undrugged and they escape. They then have to break into the palace, to talk to this guy’s younger brother. Hijinks ensue, she ends up with the brother in the palace though the plan was for her to stay behind and she has to try and hide what she is. Eventually the guy who is doing all the drugging of the king and the secret experiments is removed from his post but he knows that she is a Restoree\*, which she must hide from all the world though she is now the guy who is the ruler’s wife and he goes off to find earth. \*The aliens who kidnapped her were other aliens and they eat us. The aliens she ended up with fight them and take the ships, so they found one of the slaughter ships and the guy doing experiments is putting people back together ala frankenstein only with much better stitching but up until this point he has not been able to wake anyone up from their stupor and is only able to use them like a kind of droid. She knows something is wrong cuz her huge nose is now petite and cute, and her scars are gone. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2008, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396/62 "2008-06-11T06:09:03Z")
[QUOTE=StarvingButStrong] But, actually, the writer made a brilliant choice of careers for the hero. What could possibly get a girl’s juices flowing hotter than watching her guy stomp rats to death? [/QUOTE] Damnit, _I_ clubbed a rat with a snow shovel, once—even cremated it, afterwards! How come _I’m_ still single? :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2008, 6:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396/63 "2008-06-11T06:32:53Z")
[QUOTE=Mahna Mahna] In other puzzling romance subgenres, I just found out yesterday that there’s a whole line of [Nascar-themed](http://store.nascar.com/sm-harlequin-book-bundle--pi-2781501.html) Harlequin novels. 😕 [/QUOTE] The crew chief discovered Bubba in the garage raping the car. “It’s a _girl_ car!” Bubba said. “I’M NOT GAY!” ---
**Author:** ![The\_Them](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/898d66/32.png) [@The\_Them](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Them)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2008, 6:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396/64 "2008-06-11T06:45:06Z")
**Evil Captor** , it just occurred to me that that _might_ be from the _Gor_ series. Unpacked a whole lot of those at the bookstore. Read about 50 pages from one, and what you said sounds familiar. Recap for those lucky enough never to have encountered this shite: Gor is like Earth, but 180° around the Sun, with spacefarers, untamed giant monsters, and a quasi-medieval society. In this one, hot chick is kidnapped, one of many, and assigned to Gorean harem service, where she learns to like her manly master. Or not, I didn’t read that far. No way am I looking this up. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2008, 12:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396/65 "2008-06-11T12:15:37Z")
[QUOTE=Sigmagirl] “Turning round, my eyes eventually located the tangle of misplaced metallic instruments situated atop yet another piece of my mom’s Post-it poetry. Sliding the tortuous tracts of metal aside, I scanned her curt correspondence.” [/QUOTE] Hilarious! The “author” is trying so hard, and failing so spectacularly. ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2008, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396/66 "2008-06-11T13:07:58Z")
[QUOTE=Scarlett67] This has GOT to be a chapter from [_Atlanta Nights._](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atlanta_Nights) [/QUOTE] Noper. It’s a whole book. I really had some qualms about quoting from this. I knew immediately that I would not be covering the book in my column. I have little enough space to devote to good books that I can recommend to readers; the chances that my readers are going to pick up such a minor book by an unknown author in a more-or-less niche market – though the market for gay erotica is growing – are not significant enough that I should spend time and space warning them away from this. But I didn’t use the author’s name or book title, and that’s because he’s just a kid. I’m 99% certain the book is autobiographical; the guy had a one-night stand, his first sexual experience, and somehow thinks he’s a good writer. His friends probably tell him he’s a good writer. So he thought he’d go for it. And either nobody gave him any serious criticism or, more likely, he’s so convinced of his talent that he won’t listen. The author’s bio says he’s a student, but not of what. It can’t be of writing, because a teacher would have beaten this out of him. He has a very impressive web site, so maybe that’s what he’s studying. Among the reviews he’s posted is one with so much alliteration that it’s clear to me he’s written it himself. Have you seen the thread called, “What are you paranoid about?” I’m now paranoid that this guy is a Doper and I’ve just ruined his life. B., if you’re out there, don’t try so hard. Don’t write with a thesaurus in your pocket. Just talk like you talk. Take writing classes and listen. Good luck, buddy. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2008, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396/67 "2008-06-11T13:12:23Z")
[QUOTE=Flutterby] If it’s the one I’m thinking of by Anne McCaffrey that would be Restoree. [/QUOTE] I was thinking “The Thorns of Barevi,” first story (and the only one I’ve read) of the [Catteni Series,](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catteni_Series) a rape-glorifying tale which McCaffrey cheerfully admitted she wrote in 1970 to cash in on the “soft porn” market. (And this was just as feminism was starting to emerge.) ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2008, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396/68 "2008-06-11T13:16:05Z")
[QUOTE=Sigmagirl] But I didn’t use the author’s name or book title, and that’s because he’s just a kid. [/QUOTE] I’m guessing about fourteen. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2008, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396/69 "2008-06-11T13:31:48Z")
[QUOTE=Scarlett67] This has GOT to be a chapter from [_Atlanta Nights._](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atlanta_Nights) [/QUOTE] If you haven’t read Atlanta Nights, you really should. It’s one of the funniest books I’ve ever read, and I haven’t even read the romance novels it spoofs. ---
**Author:** ![Mahna\_Mahna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e47c2d/32.png) [@Mahna\_Mahna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahna_Mahna)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2008, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396/70 "2008-06-11T13:47:53Z")
[QUOTE=Snooooopy] The crew chief discovered Bubba in the garage raping the car. “It’s a _girl_ car!” Bubba said. “I’M NOT GAY!” [/QUOTE] I’m assuming he figured out it was a girl car because he had to peel off a car bra before he got jiggity. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2008, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396/71 "2008-06-11T13:50:34Z")
No, I think he’s probably about 19-20. He’s in college. His picture’s on the book and on his web site. His high-school English teachers probably thought his precocious prose was positively precious! OK, checking out Atlanta Nights now. Oh, yes, I know alllll about PublishAmerica. And others like them. ---
**Author:** ![Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e56c9b/32.png) [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harriet_the_Spry)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2008, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396/72 "2008-06-11T13:58:12Z")
Snerk. Does the EU need a new slogan? “… Europe, where affairs of the state and affairs of the heart are intricately intertwined.” (from the Alix of Wainright review) ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2008, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396/73 "2008-06-11T14:35:03Z")
[QUOTE=Sigmagirl] Noper. It’s a whole book. I really had some qualms about quoting from this. I knew immediately that I would not be covering the book in my column. I have little enough space to devote to good books that I can recommend to readers; the chances that my readers are going to pick up such a minor book by an unknown author in a more-or-less niche market – though the market for gay erotica is growing – are not significant enough that I should spend time and space warning them away from this. But I didn’t use the author’s name or book title, and that’s because he’s just a kid. I’m 99% certain the book is autobiographical; the guy had a one-night stand, his first sexual experience, and somehow thinks he’s a good writer. His friends probably tell him he’s a good writer. So he thought he’d go for it. And either nobody gave him any serious criticism or, more likely, he’s so convinced of his talent that he won’t listen. The author’s bio says he’s a student, but not of what. It can’t be of writing, because a teacher would have beaten this out of him. He has a very impressive web site, so maybe that’s what he’s studying. Among the reviews he’s posted is one with so much alliteration that it’s clear to me he’s written it himself. Have you seen the thread called, “What are you paranoid about?” I’m now paranoid that this guy is a Doper and I’ve just ruined his life. B., if you’re out there, don’t try so hard. Don’t write with a thesaurus in your pocket. Just talk like you talk. Take writing classes and listen. Good luck, buddy. [/QUOTE] If he’s willing to publish a novel, why should he be protected from criticism? [http://boywithblackeyes.com/press.htm](http://boywithblackeyes.com/press.htm) ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2008, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396/74 "2008-06-11T15:12:15Z")
OK, now I see why I shouldn’t have done this. I apologize. Why should he be protected? Because he needs constructive criticism, and this thread is not about constructive criticism. He needs time and experience, neither of which he has, because he’s a kid. He may improve. The other people whose works have been ridiculed here are full-time writers whose books are found in drugstores and supermarkets. This is an enterprising, if unenlightened, young man who doesn’t have a knack for writing. I am sorry I brought the whole thing up. I don’t have any kids, but if this kid was mine, I’d hate me. ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2008, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396/75 "2008-06-11T15:13:50Z")
You didn’t out him, **Sigmagirl** , someone else did in spite of your preference that it not be done. ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2008, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396/76 "2008-06-11T15:21:46Z")
I know, but that doesn’t absolve me. Writers should have thick skins, but they have to develop them. I did an unkind thing. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2008, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396/77 "2008-06-11T15:22:26Z")
If he’s a big enough boy to publish a novel, he’s a big enough boy to have it criticized. He’s not a child, he doesn’t have some kind of special entitlement to nurturing and protection and _he’s_ not asking for anonymity, so the effort to shield him is patronizing and unwarranted. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2008, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396/78 "2008-06-11T15:23:50Z")
[QUOTE=Sigmagirl] I know, but that doesn’t absolve me. Writers should have thick skins, but they have to develop them. I did an unkind thing. [/QUOTE] Please. You criticized a POS novel. You didn’t do anything wrong and neither did I. ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_MB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steve_mb/32/5339_2.png) [@Steve\_MB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_MB)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2008, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396/79 "2008-06-11T15:27:40Z")
[QUOTE=Sigmagirl] Don’t write with a thesaurus in your pocket. [/QUOTE] Maybe he’s just happy to see you. ---
**Author:** ![CaerieD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/da6949/32.png) [@CaerieD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CaerieD)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2008, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396/80 "2008-06-11T15:52:52Z")
[QUOTE=Sigmagirl] I know, but that doesn’t absolve me. Writers should have thick skins, but they have to develop them. I did an unkind thing. [/QUOTE] Speaking as someone who edits on the side, a lot of writers never develop that thick skin because they willfully choose to ignore criticism. It’s a bizarre thing, but I’ve seen it happen several times now: Somebody makes it out of the slush pile, they get an _actual response_. They are told–quite nicely, usually–that some small change needs to be made before it’s published. And then we never hear from the author again. Presumably, the more savvy ones will run off to self-publish, which is what this kid appears to have done. He is the only author to have a book published by PANIC Press on Amazon, which implies he made his own “publishing house.” Don’t feel bad, because you can’t possibly injure this guy. He’s chosen to insulate himself from the real publishing world and anyone who criticizes him is just a philistine as far as he’s concerned. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/summarize-the-worst-romance-novel-youve-read-spoilers-mockery/452396.md?page=5)