# Sure signs a movie sucks **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [July 6, 2004, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839 "2004-07-06T20:57:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![interface2x](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@interface2x](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interface2x)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839/81 "2004-07-07T12:42:39Z")
> [@MsRobyn](#): > > In retrospect, my post should’ve read “Any involvement whatsoever by any member of the Wayans family, past, present, future, clone, interdimensional, or teleported from the future.” I thought Marlon was pretty good in [this](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0180093/) one. ---
**Author:** ![Charlie\_Tan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/charlie_tan/32/12582_2.png) [@Charlie\_Tan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charlie_Tan)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839/82 "2004-07-07T13:04:54Z")
**Martin Lawrence.** Can he do anything but open his eyes wide and scream? Is that funny? Why does he keep getting projects? ---
**Author:** ![Agrippina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8797f3/32.png) [@Agrippina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agrippina)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839/83 "2004-07-07T13:56:00Z")
> [@drm](#): > > This isn’t exactly like the other posters answers but when a movie has been shelved for long periods of time there’s a good bet it’s a real piece of crap. eg. Envy Didn’t this happen with _Pluto Nash_? Unfortunately, it was released. Another example of this happening is [The Devil and Daniel Webster](http://imdb.com/title/tt0263265/combined), a movie made in 2001 directed by Alec Baldwin and starring Anthony Hopkins and Jennifer Love Hewitt. I guess it got shelved (possibly forever) because of lack of funds for post production. Interesting to see that in the link, Alec Baldwin is now uncredited as director. Perhaps it was good for the careers of EVERYBODY involved that this movie not be released. But we’ll probably never know. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839/84 "2004-07-07T13:57:35Z")
When the promos show some moron wearing a hairpiece yelling LET’S GET CRAZY!!! or something similar. Must be the funniest line from the movie. Otherwise, why would they put it in the trailer? ---
**Author:** ![Gotterfunken](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/58956e/32.png) [@Gotterfunken](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gotterfunken)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839/85 "2004-07-07T14:40:32Z")
> [@don Jaime](#): > > Khamchakurian’s “Saber Dance” is the background music. Or Carmina Burana. ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839/86 "2004-07-07T14:46:45Z")
> [@BornOfStardust](#): > > Speaking of which, a really really OBVIOUS sign a movie sucks is that you’re watching it on MST3K. 😛 And the obvious sign a _new_ movie sucks is when reviewers don’t get an advanced screening. ---
**Author:** ![Rufus\_Xavier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eada6e/32.png) [@Rufus\_Xavier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rufus_Xavier)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839/87 "2004-07-07T15:09:01Z")
Starring: Keanu Reeves ---
**Author:** ![Rex\_Fenestrarum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rex_fenestrarum/32/7265_2.png) [@Rex\_Fenestrarum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rex_Fenestrarum)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839/88 "2004-07-07T15:38:49Z")
How about when a trailer paints the movie as something it’s not? For example, the Julia Roberts\Susan Sarandon flick _Stepmom_ was portrayed in the trailer as one of those “laugh-out-loud” funny movies. The trailer had a lot of “funny” moments with JR tripping over stuff and having troubles with the kids. But in reality, the movie had _huge_ downer in the plot. In a nutshell, the _trailer_ looked like the latest Ashton Kutcher\Brittany Murphy romantic comedy, but the _movie_ was far more like _Terms of Endearment_. Note that I’m not talking about _targeted marketing_, like how _Jerry McGuire_ commercials on ESPN were “sports, sports, sports” but the commercials for the same movie on Lifetime mostly emphasized the romantic aspect of the movie. Didn’t some studio get in trouble for this a couple of years ago? Something about a trailer for a movie that appeared to be “kid friendly” (in the trailer) but had nudity or “ultra-violence” in it or something? What _was_ that movie??? ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839/89 "2004-07-07T16:06:57Z")
> [@Concept](#): > > when it’s directed by Michael Bay > [@Marley23](#): > > Also: “A Jerry Bruckheimer production” (okay, Pirates was good). BLASHPHAMY!!! Why not throw Tony Scott in there as well? These guy create some of the best SUMMER ACTION BLOCKBUSTER films around. Yeah it’s not high art or anything but if I want to watch cars exploding in mid-air in slow motion while a squadron of F-18s soar overhead and mothers grab their American flag waving children while some big digital clock with 8 foot numbers counts down in a control room, these are the guys I turn to. Besides, it’s not like their Roland Emmerich or anything. Oh and John Woo and his stupid doves do in fact suck… > [@Exapno Mapcase](#): > > Been expanded from a sketch on Saturday Night Live. Or: a star that is anyone who has ever acted in a sketch on SNL. …like Mike (Shrek, Wayne’s World) Meyers? Will (Old School) Farrell? Eddie (Beverley Hills Cop, Trading Places) Murphy? Dan (Ghostbusters, not Coneheads) Ackroyd, Adam (Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore) Sandler? Chevy (Fletch) Chase? SNL produced more than just Dana Carvey and that Superstar!! bitch. Here’s how you know a movie will suck: -Any movie about Mars other than Total Recal. -Any movie about time travel other than Back to the Future, Terminator or T2. -Any remake of a movie that is iconic in nature (Manchurian Candidate…yeah…good idea…how about Vin Deisel in a Casablanca remake…Jim Carey IS Citizen Kane) -Any movie that is marketed as the bastard child of two other hit movies (From the director of… and the producer of…, Jack Offman of the Chronical says it’s like Star Wars meets House Party III!) -Any movie based on a videogame -Any movie about vampires or werewolves -Any movie with an all ethnic cast that doesn’t star Ice Cube or Chris Rock or someone else whos funny (basically it is just a shlocky movie that’s designed to bring in all of one ethic group) -Any movie about computer hackers or virtual reality (Matrix somehow got away with this for 2 movies…you guess which ones…I think you’ll be pleasently surprised). -Any movie about robots that want to become human (if my DVD player all of a sudden wanted to be a microwave, I would smash it and get my money back dammit) ---
**Author:** ![LeRoi\_Lezard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/53a042/32.png) [@LeRoi\_Lezard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LeRoi_Lezard)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839/90 "2004-07-07T16:24:13Z")
When it’s a “documentary” by Michael Moore… ---
**Author:** ![Genghis\_Bob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/45deac/32.png) [@Genghis\_Bob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Genghis_Bob)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839/91 "2004-07-07T16:36:15Z")
With few, very few, exceptions: - Any movie where a very small child is a significant character - Any movie where an animal has the same billing as the primary human characetr - Any movie which Satan is a significant character ---
**Author:** ![vibrotronica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@vibrotronica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vibrotronica)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839/92 "2004-07-07T16:53:04Z")
Michael Bay is the worst director working in Hollywood today, and Jerry Bruckheimer is the devil incarnate. ---
**Author:** ![waits](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/df788c/32.png) [@waits](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/waits)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839/93 "2004-07-07T16:55:14Z")
Any movie released in January. ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839/94 "2004-07-07T17:50:49Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > -Any movie based on a videogame Heretic! How dare you insult the award-winning, day-glo abortion that is [Street Fighter](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111301/)! ---
**Author:** ![emekthian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ecae2f/32.png) [@emekthian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emekthian)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839/95 "2004-07-07T19:23:11Z")
> [@](#): > > Starring: Keanu Reeves The Matrix wasn’t _that_ bad. ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839/96 "2004-07-07T19:34:04Z")
If my wife rents it. ---
**Author:** ![MaxTheVool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MaxTheVool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaxTheVool)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839/97 "2004-07-07T21:03:51Z")
> [@Nonsuch](#): > > I await _Prozac Nation’s_ release with keen interest. Not to mention [Slap Her, She’s French](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0187512/). ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839/98 "2004-07-07T21:08:06Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > -Any movie about vampires or werewolves Exceptions: _An American Werewolf in London_ (sequel sucked) \*Near Dark \* \*Fright Night \* (sequel really sucked) ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839/99 "2004-07-07T21:10:20Z")
> [@MaxTheVool](#): > > Not to mention [Slap Her, She’s French](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0187512/). Holy crap! That’s gotta be the most bizarre review of a film I’ve ever read! ---
**Author:** ![Danalan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/76d3ee/32.png) [@Danalan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Danalan)\ **Post date:** [July 7, 2004, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839/100 "2004-07-07T21:34:04Z")
When picking out a DVD: If you recognize the names of the actors, but have never heard of the movie before. A movie full of star names, with zero advertising budget? Stinker. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/sure-signs-a-movie-sucks/253839.md?page=6)