# Surrealism at Walmart **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [August 12, 2002, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576 "2002-08-12T18:32:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576/1 "2002-08-12T18:32:02Z")
During lunch I go to Walmart, and I look at a Brinkman grill/smoker combo that’s half price at the end of the season, and then I buy a couple of things. As I leave, this loud tone goes off, and an authoritative male voice tells me to please step back the Walmart inventory control system has been activated. A small older lady runs over and grabs my bag before I can object, and takes it back through the scanner thingies, and the Walmart inventory control system once again announces that it has been activated. She takes the one item out of the bag matches it against the receipt in the bag, scans it with a magic wand, hands it back to me, and I leave. I put on my sunglasses and walk back to my car, trying to decide whether something has just occured that I ought to be pissed off about about. As I open my car door, I hear this voice. “Excuse me?” The voice is attached to a dumpy looking woman with a hard face. She’s about my age, 35, wearing jeans and a plain shirt. She has just stepped out of a minivan that must be fifteen years old. Instantly I categorize her: Frizzy hair, never went to college, single parent, waitress or menial worker, unintelligent, well-meaning. I raise my eyebrows as she walks over, on guard. “Yes?” I ask politely. “I hope you don’t think it’s nosy, and I hope you don’t mind, but I wanted to ask, what are you?” That’s what she said. Truly. Not who are you, but “what are you?” I’m not sure what she means, but I do not like this question. Not at all. I feel uncomfortable, like now I have to lie, and upon later reflection, I do. Because way down deep, where my instant asessments occur, and where the information and analysis comes from the parts of me that don’t subscribe to bullshit, but just give me truth I have an idea what’s going on here. Different scenarios of this kind of thing have happened before. I will try to explain it. I **appear** handsome, strong, wealthy, powerful, confident, intelligent, and …kind. I know this is how I appear, because it’s a work day, and my appearance is carefully cultivated to give off these impressions, and after 15 years of practice I’ve gotten quite good at it. And now, this woman, drawn by these impressions is asking “What are you?” What an affront to ask such a thing! Particularly as she appears to have none of my attributes. The truth is she **appears** weak, stupid, poor, friendless, uncertain, and not particularly nice. The fact that she’s accosting me in a parking lot, doesn’t add anything to my opinion. “Excuse me,” I ask. I’m standing by my open car door, and she walks up and puts her hand on the door and looks at me. Again, I think I know what’s going on, here, but all kinds of alarms are going off in my head. It would be weird to be mugged in daylight in a parking lot, and I’m not a good target as I am large and strong looking. Nevertheless I keep my eyes on her hands and look around in my peripheral vision trying to sense an accomplice who may act while I am distracted. I sense nothing, but stay on guard. “If it’s ok, I just wanted to know what you are. I’m just curious,” she asks again. “I’m just a guy,” I say. I don’t say “I am just a man.” That would sound important or serious as well as cliche, and give her an opportunity to let me know that she was “just a woman,” and I don’t want that. I want to put her off politely. “I mean are you a Doctor or a Lawyer or something?” I get into my car, which unfortunately at this moment is a convertible with the top down. It does not create a barrier. “No. Nothing like that. I’m nobody special.” I put the key in the ignition, and start the car. She’s still standing there. I wait to see what she is going to do or say. Implications and memes, and mores hang in the air, and I hope that their strength is enough to end the encounter. Apparently they are. She smiles at me. “Everybody’s special.” “That’s what they say,” I reply, tactfully unwilling to concede as much, and she walks away. I pass by her in the parking lot as she’s walking towards the store, and she says “Have a nice day.” Weird and disturbing. “You, too?” ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576/2 "2002-08-12T18:47:38Z")
I think she was interested in your _special purpose_. Steve ---
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576/3 "2002-08-12T18:51:35Z")
You lawful types are so much fun to mess with. A teensy bit of surrealism, and you get all discombobulated. What if she’d said something really weird, like “You have the eyes of an animal” or “The world revolves around you, and you alone. Be patient.” or “I’m with the phone company. We’ve been watching you.” I suggest memorizing headlines from the Weekly World News for use in similar occasions. Nothing ends a conversation like a quick reference to “Starving North Koreans Hunting Werewolves For Food!” or “ADOPTION AGENCY SELLING SHAVED APES AS BABIES!” When dealing with surrealists, you’ve gotta get weird. ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576/4 "2002-08-12T18:52:45Z")
"What are you? possible responses: “I’m special agent Victor Scorpio, Wall Mart inventory division. We got lucky this time, but there still remains a nestbed of evil-doers in Patio Furniture” “I’m Batman, I’m just driving this old Ford pickup because my WorldCom and Enron stock tanked” “_Homo sapiens sapiens_. A hairless ape most notable for large frontal lobes, oposable thumbs, and bipedal locomotion” ---
**Author:** ![Tamerlane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tamerlane/32/7602_2.png) [@Tamerlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tamerlane)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576/5 "2002-08-12T18:58:40Z")
Apropos of very little, I hear tell from a recently converted fanatical smoker friend of mine, that the Weber is vastly superior to the Brinkman ( it has bottom vents and a coal door that the Brinkman apparently lacks ). It is more expensive, however. Could just be that’s he bought into some odd, biased online Weber cult, but he’s usually a careful researcher. - Tamerlane ---
**Author:** ![Homebrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Homebrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homebrew)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576/6 "2002-08-12T19:01:34Z")
Deckard, is that you? ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576/7 "2002-08-12T19:05:10Z")
Damn, **Scylla** first Mandy with the donuts now the woman in the Wal-Mart parking lot. You top it all off with making the Wal-Mart Inventory Control System alarm. You are leading some kind of exciting life this past coupla weeks my friend. ---
**Author:** ![elf6c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c57346/32.png) [@elf6c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elf6c)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576/8 "2002-08-12T19:07:52Z")
Hmm, it’s those damn dirty apes I tells ya. ---
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576/9 "2002-08-12T19:12:36Z")
> [@](#): > > You are leading some kind of exciting life this past coupla weeks my friend. Not only that, yesterday I put the hose in the pool, to add some water and forgot about it. About four hours later, I suddenly remembered, and was able to turn it off right before it flooded. So, I’m sitting in a chair backwashing the excess water out of the pool. All of a sudden this complete stranger of a cat just jumps up on my lap, and starts to purr. Then it did the weird claw thing for a while. ---
**Author:** ![Eonwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eonwe/32/240_2.png) [@Eonwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eonwe)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576/10 "2002-08-12T19:14:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by lieu \* > \*\*I think she was interested in your _special purpose_. > Steve \*\* You’ve got a special purpose too!?!?!? That’s so great! ---
**Author:** ![BlinkingDuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eada6e/32.png) [@BlinkingDuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlinkingDuck)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576/11 "2002-08-12T19:24:57Z")
Scylla, see from her viewpoint: All day she sees people that have stuff. Dress nice, have nice cars, live in nice houses. She has none of this. The woman is not hostile but showing genuine curiousity! She is probably wondering how people do well for themselves and is wondering if she has a chance. However, she has no-one to go to in order to ask what she needs to do. Her family/friends are all probably in the same boat as her. I empathize with her because I grew up in small town in the middle of nowhere. I was the first member of my family (out to second cousins) that went to college. Nobody knew squat and actually sensed some of a ‘I don’t want you to succeed’ attitude from them. I resorted to having to ask strangers what to do (though I asked High school teachers mainly – big mistake since ended up teaching for a few years before I wised up) and nobody really wished to help until I talked with a HS teacher nobody liked but wrote out a plan for me about how college worked/getting into grad school/getting a TA/RA to pay for grad school etc. I kept this piece of paper in my billfold for years and it was a great help. I’m trying to say that it is very hard for people to break out into something new without any support. Beyond family, people don’t give a shit/don’t want to help/are unfriendly. It’s hard. I hope this woman finds what she needs and has the gumption to follow it! ---
**Author:** ![Avalonian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ee7513/32.png) [@Avalonian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Avalonian)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576/12 "2002-08-12T19:30:14Z")
Wal-Mart is a very surreal place. I think it’s the hot dogs. A sure sign that the Empire is soon to fall… well, that and _Freddy vs. Jason_ anyway. ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576/13 "2002-08-12T19:57:38Z")
A dumpy-looking prole asking “what are you” isn’t all that bad. Now if a dapper, handsome man with a mirthless smile asks you, “What do you want?”[sup]\*[/sup], run very far, very fast. Nor was it very surreal. Now if the dumpy-looking prole had held up a picture of a pipe and said," _Ceci n’est pas une pipe_," or danced with a mannequin as an African-mask-wearing assistant threw kitchen utensils at her, all the while chanting the alphabet backwards, THAT would be surreal. Art is dead. But then, so is Andre Breton. “Leave everything. Leave Dada. Leave your wife. Leave your mistress. Leave your hopes and fears. Leave your children in the woods. Leave the substance for the shadow. Leave your easy life, leave what you are given for the future. Set off on the roads.” [sup]\*[/sup]Babylon 5 reference. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576/14 "2002-08-12T20:51:51Z")
Check out a Weber sometime. The first seven times you grill, their executives will fly out and marinate your meat for you. The radial tires are Pirellis. Their heat control varies from _baby duck warmer_ to _solar flare_. Their employees tend to stalk less than celery. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576/15 "2002-08-12T20:52:23Z")
You should have narrowed your eyes, bunched your fists, deapened your voice, and snarled: _I’m your worst nightmare._ I mean, how many chances do you get? ---
**Author:** ![Francesca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9fc348/32.png) [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576/16 "2002-08-12T21:03:28Z")
You’re sure it wasn’t a Circle K? Strange things are often afoot at the Circle K. ---
**Author:** ![TigoleBitties](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cab0a1/32.png) [@TigoleBitties](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TigoleBitties)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576/17 "2002-08-12T21:12:05Z")
Aw Scylla…you could have had the ultimate reverse of Surrealism She asks: “What are you?” You: “I am a **Kwyjibo**.” 50 bucks says she would be looking it up within a half hour. ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576/18 "2002-08-12T22:05:09Z")
I like to call these people _Wal-Martians_. They’re not nearly as fun as the folks you run into at Home Depot. ---
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576/19 "2002-08-12T22:05:46Z")
Or you could just answer with your own surreality. “I’m Godot. Were you waiting for me?” ---
**Author:** ![apotheosis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ba8739/32.png) [@apotheosis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/apotheosis)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2002, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576/20 "2002-08-12T22:11:25Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by gobear \* > \*\*Now if a dapper, handsome man with a mirthless smile asks you, “What do you want?”[sup]_[/sup], run very far, very fast.\*\* In a stunning coincidence, the guy who played Morden is now a greeter at Wal-Mart. No, not really. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/surrealism-at-walmart/123576.md?page=2)