# Take her at her word, or have I been friendzoned? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 5, 2015, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897 "2015-02-05T16:01:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897/101 "2015-02-08T05:25:18Z")
> [@2ManyTacos](#): > > I know, I know, my post history is filled with these sorts of topics, but this one is such a zinger that I think it’s the most _confusing_ one that I’ve had in the past few years. > > Basically, I started talking to one of the women in my class. For a good few days, there was an _enormous_ amount of self-disclosure between the two of us, which more than anything else led me to believe she was interested in me. When I asked whether she had a boyfriend, she replied that she had actually just _broken up_ with him; subsequently, I asked for her number - which she gave to me - and we started conversing more through text messaging. She also let me take her out for coffee at a Starbucks on campus. > > She also spoke at length with me about Valentine’s Day, texted me questions about school and my day, and so on. > > To me, those signals suggested pretty forthrightly that she would’ve been down with me asking her out, right? > > Well, I did just that yesterday, only to have her response be along the lines of “I had a feeling that you’d ask me out, but I just broke up with my ex so recently I don’t want to get involved with anybody right now. You’re still cool, though, and I’d like to keep talking like this.” > > Should I take this response as it is, or was I being played & had already been friendzoned? I’ve been going over this thing in my head for the past day or so and it’s confusing the Hell out of me. > > Note: I’ve solicited input from a swath of other people IRL as well - men and women - and their responses have been similarly as perplexed. When I’d described the events to them _prior_ to me asking her out, they’d been universally confident that she was indeed interested. > > I’m confused. I think that you were on the right track, but, you fumbled the ball somewhere in there. (Mixed metaphors much?) Yep, you’ve been friendzoned. ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897/102 "2015-02-08T05:42:02Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > [Why Do Men Keep Putting Me in the Girlfriend-Zone?](http://literaryreference.tumblr.com/post/50677204942/why-do-men-keep-putting-me-in-the-girlfriend-zone) That was hilarious. As a gay man, I’ll probably never understand the whole “friendzone” thing, but it seems to me to be incredibly disrespectful towards women. The reason it’s disrespectful is that it is always used as a negative. No one is ever happy to be in the friendzone. Which carries the connotation that no man would ever want to be friends with a woman. And a man who does want to be friends with a woman, who is friends, never uses the term friendzone to describe their situation. What’s wrong with saying “she just wants to be friends with me, and that really sucks because I feel so strongly about her”? Why do you have to frame it in such a negative way by saying that you’ve been “friendzoned” as if _she_ has done something you didn’t deserve? It just reeks of male entitlement to have whatever woman you want. I hate it and I can’t take anyone seriously who actually believes it’s an appropriate way to frame the conversation of romantic vs platonic interest. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897/103 "2015-02-08T06:02:59Z")
> [@drewtwo99](#): > > That was hilarious. > > As a gay man, I’ll probably never understand the whole “friendzone” thing, but it seems to me to be incredibly disrespectful towards women. The reason it’s disrespectful is that it is always used as a negative. No one is ever happy to be in the friendzone. Which carries the connotation that no man would ever want to be friends with a woman. And a man who does want to be friends with a woman, who is friends, never uses the term friendzone to describe their situation. > > What’s wrong with saying “she just wants to be friends with me, and that really sucks because I feel so strongly about her”? Why do you have to frame it in such a negative way by saying that you’ve been “friendzoned” as if _she_ has done something you didn’t deserve? > > It just reeks of male entitlement to have whatever woman you want. I hate it and I can’t take anyone seriously who actually believes it’s an appropriate way to frame the conversation of romantic vs platonic interest. Gay men can be platonic friends with attractive or desirable women more easily than heterosexual men who are attracted to them as the sexual attraction part of the relationship is not a factor. I am curious however, if there is man who another man is interested in romantically and he gets the message that a physical relationship between them is never, ever going to happen after being attentive and emotionally engaged with them, does the gay man who realizes he has no shot usually default to being “friends” or distance himself from the rejecting party like a heterosexual man does with a rejecting woman? How does that pan out for gay guys? ---
**Author:** ![Stringbean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Stringbean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stringbean)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897/104 "2015-02-08T06:07:10Z")
> [@drewtwo99](#): > > What’s wrong with saying “she just wants to be friends with me, and that really sucks because I feel so strongly about her”? Because “friendzone” is one word that rolls off the tongue. All the other baggage you are inferring is ideological projection. Friendzone has a specific meaning for a specific context: when a girl you like only sees you as a friend. Having one word for that is easier than using a dissertation to convey the same message. Are you “gay” or are you “attracted to individuals of the same self-ascribed gender as yourself?” It’s nice to have shorthand for things, isn’t it. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 6:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897/105 "2015-02-08T06:20:08Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > Because “friendzone” is one word that rolls off the tongue. All the other baggage you are inferring is ideological projection. > > Friendzone has a specific meaning for a specific context: when a girl you like only sees you as a friend. Having one word for that is easier than using a dissertation to convey the same message. > > Are you “gay” or are you “attracted to individuals of the same self-ascribed gender as yourself?” > > It’s nice to have shorthand for things, isn’t it. “Befriended” even more accurately summarises the situation AND conveys the disdain for female friendship. “Ugh, she friendzoned me”. “Ugh, she befriended me”. See! Small change, but much more descriptive without even needing to coin a new word. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897/106 "2015-02-08T12:14:01Z")
> [@Stringbean](#): > > Because “friendzone” is one word that rolls off the tongue. All the other baggage you are inferring is ideological projection. > > Friendzone has a specific meaning for a specific context: when a girl you like only sees you as a friend. Having one word for that is easier than using a dissertation to convey the same message. > > Are you “gay” or are you “attracted to individuals of the same self-ascribed gender as yourself?” > > It’s nice to have shorthand for things, isn’t it. Friendzoned makes it sound like something she did to you as opposed to simplify describing the situation. It sounds like placing blame. Saying something efficiently, if it changes the time and meaning, wins you no points. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897/107 "2015-02-08T14:01:39Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > My problem with “friendzone” as a concept is that is seems to accept these assumptions as facts: > > 1. Women like having male friends because they like male attention > 2. No man actually wants a female “friend”: men prefer the company of men, and the only place for a non-family woman is as a romantic partner. > 3. Women understand this, and so have to “trick” men into being friends by using the hope of sex as a lure. And sometimes a cigar b just a cigar. I’m not seeing the preoperative in “friendzoned”. And the things you posted above have rarely (if ever) been the case in my personal experience. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897/108 "2015-02-08T14:09:30Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Women want men to hang out and be “friends” even if they are not deemed to be datable. I have to assume this is one of those things about men that women just don’t “get”. This is not a desirable or tenable situation for many men as they are now relegated to the status of unfuckable by a woman they are attracted to, but are still expected to want to be attentive and engaged in a friend relationship. > > For many (not all) men developing a relationship based on a sexual attraction to a desired women is very different than a “friend” relationship on multiple levels. Even if the relationship has the same elements of conversation, emotional sharing, and shared experiences it’s quite different from the man’s perspective. If sex is off the table and the woman still wants to be friends it’s not like the man can turn off his impulses like a light switch. In many cases the best thing to do is disconnect from the desired woman interaction-wise as much as possible, which pisses them off, but from the man’s perspective it’s just going to be frustrating. > > And yes, beyond sexual attraction a man can also be naturally attentive and emotionally attracted to a woman who would NOT be his first choice for a friend relationship. Friend and lover are often on separate tracks. > > Men desiring a romantic relationship have a limited amount of time and resources to pursue women who might be interested in them and available. If a man is interested in a sexual relationship why expend that time on being buddies with unavailable women and frustrating yourself in the bargain? > > Women you are not particularly attracted to sexually, but are friends with based on intellectual attraction or shared interests etc. is a whole different kettle of fish, and you can be buddies with those women all day long. Lets say you are lucky enough to have grown up with some money - and it shows. You are a guy. You start a new job and one of the guys there seems pretty cool. You joke around, share interests, grab a beer after work with the others, but it really seems like you are clicking with this guy. Its nice to have a friend at work. You look forward to Superbowl parties and happy hours. You have your own friends, but its always nice to have another, particularly at a new job. After a few months, he asks to use your vacation home. Gee, you say, we really don’t loan it out. Either the we use it, or the family uses it. He says “you said you let your friend Tom use it” - “well, I’ve known Tom since fifth grade, he was the best man in my wedding - he’s pretty much like a brother to me.” Suddenly, the guy stops talking to you. You are being shunned. Maybe he even says some things at work to your coworkers. They slip out to Happy Hour and don’t invite you, if you show up, they’ve switched bars. Apparently the guy just can’t deal with you having things and that he doesn’t have access to. Or maybe four months of friendship was being faked so he’d get a free vacation. You aren’t sure, but either way - its rude and disrepectful. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897/109 "2015-02-08T14:59:15Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Lets say you are lucky enough to have grown up with some money - and it shows. You are a guy. > > You start a new job and one of the guys there seems pretty cool. You joke around, share interests, grab a beer after work with the others, but it really seems like you are clicking with this guy. Its nice to have a friend at work. You look forward to Superbowl parties and happy hours. You have your own friends, but its always nice to have another, particularly at a new job. > > After a few months, he asks to use your vacation home. Gee, you say, we really don’t loan it out. Either the we use it, or the family uses it. He says “you said you let your friend Tom use it” - “well, I’ve known Tom since fifth grade, he was the best man in my wedding - he’s pretty much like a brother to me.” > > Suddenly, the guy stops talking to you. You are being shunned. Maybe he even says some things at work to your coworkers. They slip out to Happy Hour and don’t invite you, if you show up, they’ve switched bars. Apparently the guy just can’t deal with you having things and that he doesn’t have access to. Or maybe four months of friendship was being faked so he’d get a free vacation. You aren’t sure, but either way - its rude and disrepectful. I’m not sure I completely agree with your analogy but get what you’re saying. But I also hope you take **Atro** ’s point that after being rejected from a would be love interest, a person needs some degree of separation in order to heal. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897/110 "2015-02-08T15:03:00Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Women you are not particularly attracted to sexually, but are friends with based on intellectual attraction or shared interests etc. is a whole different kettle of fish, and you can be buddies with those women all day long. How exactly does this differ from the sinister feminine game of “friendzoning” a man not considered desirable enough to date/sleep with? ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897/111 "2015-02-08T15:28:20Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Suddenly, the guy stops talking to you. You are being shunned. Maybe he even says some things at work to your coworkers. They slip out to Happy Hour and don’t invite you, if you show up, they’ve switched bars. Apparently the guy just can’t deal with you having things and that he doesn’t have access to. Or maybe four months of friendship was being faked so he’d get a free vacation. You aren’t sure, but either way - its rude and disrepectful. There are some problems. Do you really think that using a vacation home is equivalent to entering into a romantic relationship? They are different in many fundamental ways. As one example, using someone’s vacation home is a moochy thing to do (or at the very least, it’s a favor). I’m certain that you don’t regard entering a romantic relationship with a guy to be something you do as a favor to the guy. Second, there’s an emotional vulnerability involved in asking someone out that simply isn’t equivalent to asking someone to borrow their vacation home. Third, in your example, you and the faux-friend start off unequal in the relevant way: you’ve got money, he doesn’t. That’s presumably not the same thing as in two single people, one of whom is interested in the other. Finally, note the key phrase above, that I underlined. If we’re talking about a guy who got rejected and just doesn’t hang out anymore with you, that’s one thing, and that’s the thing I think is no harm, no foul. But if he’s going around talking shit about you behind your back–if he “says some things at work to your co-workers”–then he’s an asshole, absolutely. You’re not entitled to his friendship any more than he’s entitled to your sex. But neither of you should talk shit about the other at work. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897/112 "2015-02-08T15:33:49Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Lets say you are lucky enough to have grown up with some money - and it shows. You are a guy. > > You start a new job and one of the guys there seems pretty cool. You joke around, share interests, grab a beer after work with the others, but it really seems like you are clicking with this guy. Its nice to have a friend at work. You look forward to Superbowl parties and happy hours. You have your own friends, but its always nice to have another, particularly at a new job. > > After a few months, he asks to use your vacation home. Gee, you say, we really don’t loan it out. Either the we use it, or the family uses it. He says “you said you let your friend Tom use it” - “well, I’ve known Tom since fifth grade, he was the best man in my wedding - he’s pretty much like a brother to me.” > > Suddenly, the guy stops talking to you. You are being shunned. Maybe he even says some things at work to your coworkers. They slip out to Happy Hour and don’t invite you, if you show up, they’ve switched bars. Apparently the guy just can’t deal with you having things and that he doesn’t have access to. Or maybe four months of friendship was being faked so he’d get a free vacation. You aren’t sure, but either way - its rude and disrepectful. This sucks, sure, but it’s not the same as someone deciding that what they want is a romantic relationship and not a platonic friendship. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a girlfriend and not a friend, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting a friend and not a boyfriend. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting a particular person to be your romantic partner but not your friend, or your friend but not your romantic partner. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897/113 "2015-02-08T15:35:09Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > How exactly does this differ from the sinister feminine game of “friendzoning” a man not considered desirable enough to date/sleep with? It’s okay if the guy starts it? ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897/114 "2015-02-08T16:05:44Z")
> [@drewtwo99](#): > > That was hilarious. > > As a gay man, I’ll probably never understand the whole “friendzone” thing, but it seems to me to be incredibly disrespectful towards women. The reason it’s disrespectful is that it is always used as a negative. No one is ever happy to be in the friendzone. Which carries the connotation that no man would ever want to be friends with a woman. And a man who does want to be friends with a woman, who is friends, never uses the term friendzone to describe their situation. > > What’s wrong with saying “she just wants to be friends with me, and that really sucks because I feel so strongly about her”? Why do you have to frame it in such a negative way by saying that you’ve been “friendzoned” as if _she_ has done something you didn’t deserve? > > It just reeks of male entitlement to have whatever woman you want. I hate it and I can’t take anyone seriously who actually believes it’s an appropriate way to frame the conversation of romantic vs platonic interest. I think that your brain ain’t workin’ right about this, neighbor. You are so far off that it’s incomprehensible. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897/115 "2015-02-08T16:08:09Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Friendzoned makes it sound like something she did to you as opposed to simplify describing the situation. It sounds like placing blame. Saying something efficiently, if it changes the time and meaning, wins you no points. It \*doesn’t \*change the time and meaning. You’re making a faulty interpretation of what was said, and demonizing those who use something as a convenience. The situation \*was \*“simply described”. You chose to make an unwarranted construction. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897/116 "2015-02-08T16:09:41Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > It \*doesn’t \*change the time and meaning. You’re making a faulty interpretation of what was said. I meant tone, not time. Sorry about the typo. I do think the term does change the tone from a description of what happened to assigned someone responsible. To say " she friend zoned me" seems pretty clear that this was something that she did to the other person, as opposed to saying “it didn’t go where I hoped it would”. You may disagree, but it’s not a crazy interpretation to take such umbrage at. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897/117 "2015-02-08T16:46:35Z")
> [@Lamia](#): > > How exactly does this differ from the sinister feminine game of “friendzoning” a man not considered desirable enough to date/sleep with? It’s not. Feel free to not be friends with the guy and use the word “friendzoned” when describing it to your girlfriends. What’s hard to understand? ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897/118 "2015-02-08T17:30:19Z")
> [@CarnalK](#): > > It’s not. Feel free to not be friends with the guy and use the word “friendzoned” when describing it to your girlfriends. What’s hard to understand? What I don’t understand is why **astro** thinks it’s some weird woman thing to want to be friends with people of the opposite sex who one doesn’t see as potential romantic partners, and that women “just don’t get” what it’s like to be “relegated to the status of unfuckable” by someone they’re attracted to: > [@astro](#): > > Women want men to hang out and be “friends” even if they are not deemed to be datable. I have to assume this is one of those things about men that women just don’t “get”. This is not a desirable or tenable situation for many men as they are now relegated to the status of unfuckable by a woman they are attracted to, but are still expected to want to be attentive and engaged in a friend relationship. When in the very same post he also said that men treat women exactly the same way: > [@](#): > > Women you are not particularly attracted to sexually, but are friends with based on intellectual attraction or shared interests etc. is a whole different kettle of fish, and you can be buddies with those women all day long. While I appreciate that you recognize that this is the same thing, it sure looks to me like **astro** doesn’t and he’s the one I was talking to. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897/119 "2015-02-08T17:49:31Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#): > > This sucks, sure, but it’s not the same as someone deciding that what they want is a romantic relationship and not a platonic friendship. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a girlfriend and not a friend, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting a friend and not a boyfriend. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting a particular person to be your romantic partner but not your friend, or your friend but not your romantic partner. In both cases, the person who is making friendly overtures to you is doing so only for something they can get from you - only because you are something - rich in one case, an attractive female in another. They aren’t interested in you as a human being, only in you as in a provider of something they want. And yes, there is something wrong in treating another human being as simply a provider of something you want under the auspices of friendship. Again, I’m not taking about walking up to someone in a bar and asking them out. I’m talking about someone you’ve taken the time to get to know. If you’ve taken the time to get to know them, and have hit it off, it is rude to cut the relationship off when you aren’t getting laid out of it, or aren’t getting to use their beach house is rude. If you only want one thing from them, be up front about it from the moment you meet them. Don’t spend time getting to know them, come up and say “wanna fuck” or “do you want to go out?” At least then you are being honest that you only want the relationship within the context of a romantic or sexual setting. That way I can just reject you in five minutes, saves time and anguish for everyone. ---
**Author:** ![Stringbean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Stringbean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stringbean)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2015, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897/120 "2015-02-08T18:03:25Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Friendzoned makes it sound like something she did to you as opposed to simplify describing the situation. It sounds like placing blame. Saying something efficiently, if it changes the time and meaning, wins you no points. Any description places responsibility (or “blame” if you wish). “I liked her and she only wanted to be friends”. \* She’s responsible for us only being friends \* “She friendzoned me” - She’s responsible for us only being friends \* “We were friends for a while and I wanted more. She put me in the friendzone” - She’s responsible for us only being friends \* “I was friends with Sara for a long time, and confessed I had feelings for her. She told me she really values our friendship but doesn’t see me in that way.” - She’s responsible for us only being friends \* Show me a way to convey the message that doesn’t assert responsibility for a friends-only relationship on the woman. Doesn’t matter how flowery and nice you want to say it, this is a situation in which the woman has decided she does not want a relationship with a male friend. Just because “friendzone” is a shorthand does not make it any worse than a drawn-out description. In fact, it saves a lot of time by aptly conveying the situation at hand. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-her-at-her-word-or-have-i-been-friendzoned/711897.md?page=7)