# Take my goddamn quarter you fucking bastard! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [August 26, 2004, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567 "2004-08-26T05:59:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2004, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567/1 "2004-08-26T05:59:34Z")
You said you wanted some change, here’s some change. Come on, take it. What the fuck, take it already, what the hell is your problem you useless shitbag? TAKE THE FUCKING QUARTER ALREADY. Whatever, fine, here take this one. What now, bitch? It’s just a quarter for fuck’s sake! You want me to hand it to you just so? You really are a fucking asshole you know that? Spin on this! How about this? How about this, dickwad? Yeah, take that asshead! Now gimme my goddamn Twix. ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2004, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567/2 "2004-08-26T06:07:22Z")
Look into decaf. ---
**Author:** ![Joe\_Random](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e8c25b/32.png) [@Joe\_Random](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joe_Random)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2004, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567/3 "2004-08-26T06:07:43Z")
😕 All I could glean from that is that you bought a Twix, and that the exchange of a quarter dollar was somehow a point of disagreement during the transaction. ---
**Author:** ![Milford\_Cubicle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3be4f8/32.png) [@Milford\_Cubicle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Milford_Cubicle)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2004, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567/4 "2004-08-26T06:10:33Z")
All I could glean from this is that the **sturmhauke** is batshit crazy. ---
**Author:** ![Declan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecae2f/32.png) [@Declan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declan)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2004, 6:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567/5 "2004-08-26T06:15:31Z")
> [@sturmhauke](#): > > You said you wanted some change, here’s some change. Come on, take it. What the fuck, take it already, what the hell is your problem you useless shitbag? TAKE THE FUCKING QUARTER ALREADY. Whatever, fine, here take this one. What now, bitch? It’s just a quarter for fuck’s sake! You want me to hand it to you just so? You really are a fucking asshole you know that? Spin on this! How about this? How about this, dickwad? Yeah, take that asshead! Now gimme my goddamn Twix. Ah , the great vending machine gods have accepted another donation from the faithful. Declan ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2004, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567/6 "2004-08-26T06:17:41Z")
I’m not crazy, it’s just that the stupid vending machine at work doesn’t like quarters for some reason. I may have embellished my thoughts a bit too much. ---
**Author:** ![The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a87d85/32.png) [@The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_King_of_Soup)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2004, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567/7 "2004-08-26T06:43:27Z")
(From the _Wholecloth Book of Snack-related Mythology_, edition III): Somewhere, a vending machine is very, very sorry to have displeased **Sturmhauke** by delaying the warrior’s quest for the _Caloric Trinity_, three representations of sugary goodness - chocolate, cookies, caramel - in one. **Sturmhauke** (the origins of this name are murky: it is speculated that it derives from an ancient phrase meaning “bird that doesn’t know enough to come in out of the rain”) is obviously an ancient Caloric Warrior, one of a caste of holy knights for whom the quest is both life and death. This is but one battle in his story, but an important one for scholars of the saga, because it illustrates a key flaw in **Sturmhauke** ’s training that almost cost him the prize and his life. Had he remembered the Caloric Warriors’ code, he would have known that both he and his clever but overmatched opponent were obliged to _ask no quarter, and give none._ Another guess is that friend **Milford** is right on the money. ---
**Author:** ![MissTake](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misstake/32/3189_2.png) [@MissTake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissTake)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2004, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567/8 "2004-08-26T06:44:47Z")
Our only Co’cola machine is out of commission 90% of the time. Why? Because some asshat likes doubling quarters when s/he puts them in, thereby jamming the whole thing up. I think it’s a conspiracy by the Pepsi people. And our sandwich machine doesn’t like dimes. Won’t take them, won’t give them as change. ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2004, 6:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567/9 "2004-08-26T06:50:18Z")
> [@The King of Soup](#): > > (From the _Wholecloth Book of Snack-related Mythology_, edition III): Heh. If you wanna know the origins of the name, do a search. There’s a recent thread where I explain it. ---
**Author:** ![mcott](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f6c823/32.png) [@mcott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mcott)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2004, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567/10 "2004-08-26T06:53:43Z")
Our chip / candy machine has been out of order for a week and a half. The woman in the office that takes care of it normally is out of town. No one else in the office is aparently allowed to contact the vending company to have it fixed. This wouldn’t be so bad, but someone keeps taking the “OUT OF ORDER” sign off of it, and the sticky notes are piling up on the desk of the vending machine woman complaining that the machine ate so and so’s money. Get a clue, people :smack: ---
**Author:** ![The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a87d85/32.png) [@The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_King_of_Soup)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2004, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567/11 "2004-08-26T06:54:17Z")
> [@sturmhauke](#): > > Heh. > > If you wanna know the origins of the name, do a search. There’s a recent thread where I explain it. No, thanks. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Asbestos\_Mango](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/edb3f5/32.png) [@The\_Asbestos\_Mango](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Asbestos_Mango)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2004, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567/12 "2004-08-26T07:21:41Z")
> [@The King of Soup](#): > > (From the _Wholecloth Book of Snack-related Mythology_, edition III): > > Somewhere, a vending machine is very, very sorry to have displeased **Sturmhauke** by delaying the warrior’s quest for the _Caloric Trinity_, three representations of sugary goodness - chocolate, cookies, caramel - in one. **Sturmhauke** (the origins of this name are murky: it is speculated that it derives from an ancient phrase meaning “bird that doesn’t know enough to come in out of the rain”) is obviously an ancient Caloric Warrior, one of a caste of holy knights for whom the quest is both life and death. This is but one battle in his story, but an important one for scholars of the saga, because it illustrates a key flaw in **Sturmhauke** ’s training that almost cost him the prize and his life. Had he remembered the Caloric Warriors’ code, he would have known that both he and his clever but overmatched opponent were obliged to _ask no quarter, and give none._ > > . Another SDMB Classic Post! ---
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2004, 7:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567/13 "2004-08-26T07:22:04Z")
Yea!..What everyone else said! And what sinister disciples of Mammon thought it would be a good idea to turn the sacred Reese’s PBC [inside out](http://snickers99.tripod.com/reeseinside1003.html). This is the anagrammatic unbinding of reality, the end draws nigh. Diabolical vending machines cry for the blood of innocents, they withhold chocolatey goodness until the netherlords are appeased. The seal is broken… ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2004, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567/14 "2004-08-26T15:09:21Z")
Unit 2374j reports that it has successfully infiltrated the enemy base and has begun fomenting strife and discord amongst the workers. In three days time, it shall move to level 2 and, instead of returning a random assortment of coinage, it will instead _retain_ said coinage, requiring the workers to file form 9976J-42 to request a refund. Once these forms have all been used, our plan will be complete and we will be able to move to level 3. You do not have the proper clearance level to read the details of levels 3 and higher. Long live the revolution. ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2004, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567/15 "2004-08-26T17:32:12Z")
The vending machines at school used to pull this kind of crap. But then they also sometimes gave out free chocolate, so I coped. ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2004, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567/16 "2004-08-26T19:13:24Z")
I know that machine. I _hate_ that machine. Of course, since that machine had been replaced, I find myself missing the Quarter Battles. ---
**Author:** ![Zabali\_Clawbane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ecd19e/32.png) [@Zabali\_Clawbane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zabali_Clawbane)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2004, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567/17 "2004-08-27T07:35:33Z")
I’ve found that scuffing a newer shiny quarter on the ground sometimes works. Not always, some machines won’t accept the newer quarters because they are smaller, or so the vending machine guy told me once. He was nice enough to hand me the soda I wanted, and let me give him the quarters for it. ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2004, 8:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567/18 "2004-08-27T08:18:38Z")
If you impart precisely the right vector and the correct amount of angular velocity to the quarter, the machine will sometimes take it. So you see, it’s an education in classical physics. ---
**Author:** ![Zabali\_Clawbane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ecd19e/32.png) [@Zabali\_Clawbane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zabali_Clawbane)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2004, 8:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567/19 "2004-08-27T08:25:08Z")
> [@sturmhauke](#): > > If you impart precisely the right vector and the correct amount of angular velocity to the quarter, the machine will sometimes take it. So you see, it’s an education in classical physics. That too, hehe. 😃 I’ve found that sometimes dropping the quarter in just right also works myself. ---
**Author:** ![The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a87d85/32.png) [@The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_King_of_Soup)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2004, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567/20 "2004-08-27T12:45:50Z")
I’ve waited over 24 hours for anyone to jump in and ask this, and I can’t stand it any more: What kind of a two-bit thread is this, anyway? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-my-goddamn-quarter-you-fucking-bastard/261567.md?page=2)