# Take the Death Test!

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291>\
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\
**Created:** [October 12, 1999, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291 "1999-10-12T18:06:00Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 1

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Satan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Satan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satan)\
**Post date:** [October 13, 1999, 5:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291/1 "1999-10-13T05:58:00Z")

</div>

\<center\>  
[Click HERE to take the Death Test!](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/)  
\</center\>  
My results are as follows:

\<font face=“verdana,arial,geneva,helvetica”\>\<font size=+0\>Mark your calendar  
or Palm V. You can expect to die on:\</font\>\</font\>  
\<center\>

\<font face=“verdana,arial,geneva,helvetica”\>\<font size=+4\>August 16,  
2035\</font\>\</font\>  
\<font face=“verdana,arial,geneva,helvetica”\>\<font size=+2\>at the age  
of \<font color="#FF0000"\>66\</font\> years old.\</font\>\</font\>\</center\>

\<font face=“verdana,arial,geneva,helvetica”\>\<font size=+0\>On that date  
you will most likely die from:\</font\>\</font\>

\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<font face=“verdana,arial,geneva,helvetica”\>\<font size=-1\>  
Cancer (22%)\</font\>\</font\>  
\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<font face=“verdana,arial,geneva,helvetica”\>\<font size=-1\>  
Heart Attack (13%)\</font\>\</font\>  
\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<font face=“verdana,arial,geneva,helvetica”\>\<font size=-1\>  
Electrolysis (12%)\</font\>\</font\>  
\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<font face=“verdana,arial,geneva,helvetica”\>\<font size=-1\>  
Alien Abduction (8%)\</font\>\</font\>  
\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<img SRC=“[http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif](http://test.thespark.com/deathtest/graphics/s4.gif)” NOSAVE height=24 width=28\>\<font face=“verdana,arial,geneva,helvetica”\>\<font size=-1\>  
Alcoholism (5%)\</font\>\</font\>

* * *

Yer pal,  
Satan

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\
**Post date:** [October 12, 1999, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291/2 "1999-10-12T18:06:00Z")

</div>

Well, I am checking out on May 1, 2060 at the age of 85. Not too shabby. It said 33% chance of a heart attack, but I am gonna hold out hope for that 5% chance of dying during auto fellatio. If I can make that happen at 85, then Jimmy Stewart won’t be the only person who had a wonderful life.

* * *

I got a lot of energy ready to be wasted on somebody - Mookie Wilson

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Frankie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/258eb7/32.png) [@Frankie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frankie)\
**Post date:** [October 12, 1999, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291/3 "1999-10-12T18:09:00Z")

</div>

Mark your calendar or Palm V. You can expect to die on:  
February 1, 2051  
at the age of 78 years old.  
On that date you will most likely die from:

```
       Electrolysis (22%)
     Cancer (18%)
   Heart Attack (14%)
Auto-Fellatio (7%)
Loneliness (7%)

```

Sex with an Obese Person (5%)  
Wild Animal Mauling (5%)

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Frankie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/258eb7/32.png) [@Frankie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frankie)\
**Post date:** [October 12, 1999, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291/4 "1999-10-12T18:11:00Z")

</div>

Im praying for the auto fellatio!

Much better than cancer!

Frankie -Wants to go out with a smile!

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![SqrlCub](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SqrlCub](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SqrlCub)\
**Post date:** [October 12, 1999, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291/5 "1999-10-12T18:17:00Z")

</div>

Mark your calendar or Palm V. You can expect to die on:  
April 22, 2050  
at the age of 75 years old.  
On that date you will most likely die from:

```
       Cancer (31%)
 Electrolysis (12%)

```

Heart Attack (8%)  
Alcoholism (7%)  
Homicide (5%)  
Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation (5%)

The weird part is I was going to die at 83 the last time I took the test and nothing has changed significantly. Oh and I think I answered everything the same.

## HUGS! SqrlCub

Move over Satan. 😉 Now there’s something meatier. [http://smallwonder.simplenet.com/COC.html](http://smallwonder.simplenet.com/COC.html)

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![SqrlCub](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SqrlCub](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SqrlCub)\
**Post date:** [October 12, 1999, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291/6 "1999-10-12T18:19:00Z")

</div>

It is no fair. I only have sex with overweight/fat people and Frankie got that as a choice. Although I do practice asphyxiation for sexual pleasure… I won’t divulge anymore on that topic.

HUGS!  
SqrlCub

* * *

Move over Satan. 😉 Now there’s something meatier. [http://smallwonder.simplenet.com/COC.html](http://smallwonder.simplenet.com/COC.html)

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Strainger](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/strainger/32/244_2.png) [@Strainger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Strainger)\
**Post date:** [October 12, 1999, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291/7 "1999-10-12T18:19:00Z")

</div>

Mark your calendar or Palm V. You can expect to die on:

December 20, 2057  
at the age of 87 years old.

On that date you will most likely die from:

Cancer (36%)  
Drowning (9%)  
Alien Abduction (9%)  
Heart Attack (8%)  
Auto-Fellatio (5%)  
Alcoholism (5%)

I can’t believe my cancer percentage was that high. My main risk factor for cancer is that my Grandmother had it. Maybe my outdoor activities contribute. I guess if nothing else gets me, cancer will.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\
**Post date:** [October 12, 1999, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291/8 "1999-10-12T18:20:00Z")

</div>

Mark your calendar or Palm V. You can expect to die on:  
July 21, 2030  
at the age of 68 years old.  
On that date you will most likely die from:

```
Heart Attack (20%)
Cancer (13%)
Drowning (9%)
Alcoholism (7%)
Homicide (7%)
Horrible Accident (7%)
Alien Abduction (6%)

```

## I guess I need to cut down on the cigarettes and drink more alcohol.

“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” - _Humphrey Bogart_

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Fretful\_Porpentine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fretful_porpentine/32/2873_2.png) [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)\
**Post date:** [October 12, 1999, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291/9 "1999-10-12T18:21:00Z")

</div>

> [@](#):
>
> You can expect to die on:  
> May 25, 2049  
> at the age of 73 years old.
> 
> ```
> On that date you will most likely die from:
> 
> ```
> 
> Cancer (27%)  
> Alcoholism (14%)  
> Alien Abduction (8%)  
> Homicide (8%)  
> Heart Attack (5%)  
> Contagious Disease (5%)  
> Confusion (5%)  
> Drowning (5%)

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Strainger](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/strainger/32/244_2.png) [@Strainger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Strainger)\
**Post date:** [October 12, 1999, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291/10 "1999-10-12T18:26:00Z")

</div>

I just realized something. My death is probably going to completely _ruin_ my sister’s 84th birthday. I better warn her.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Diane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2acd7d/32.png) [@Diane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diane)\
**Post date:** [October 12, 1999, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291/11 "1999-10-12T18:27:00Z")

</div>

> [@](#):
>
> Although I do practice asphyxiation for sexual pleasure…

Not to hit your pecker with a frozen spoon or anything, but I had a widow client last year who’s husband died from accidental strangulation while doing this.

Becareful Sqrl.

* * *

\>^,^\<  
KITTEN  
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Gr8Kat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gr8kat/32/18668_2.png) [@Gr8Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gr8Kat)\
**Post date:** [October 12, 1999, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291/12 "1999-10-12T18:30:00Z")

</div>

Mark your calendar or Palm V. You can expect to die on:

June 15, 2036  
at the age of 62 years old.

On that date you will most likely die from:

Cancer (36%)  
Heart Attack (10%)  
Suicide (10%)  
Third Degree Burns (5%)  
Alien Abduction (5%)

Fascinating. That’s about 10 years longer than I expected. (Actually, I wondered if it would tell me I should already be dead.)

* * *

“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it,” Jack Handy

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\
**Post date:** [October 12, 1999, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291/13 "1999-10-12T18:31:00Z")

</div>

Thanks a lot Satan! I’ve only got two years to live,and I’ve never even been to Disneyworld! You really are the Dark Prince of E-Vil!

* * *

TT

“Believe those who seek the truth.  
Doubt those who find it.” --Andre Gide

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\
**Post date:** [October 12, 1999, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291/14 "1999-10-12T18:32:00Z")

</div>

That was fun! I’m going to die at 78, of–

Cancer (33%)  
Alien Abduction (7%)  
Homicide (7%)  
Contagious Disease (7%)  
Loneliness (7%)  
Third Degree Burns (5%)  
Suicide (5%)  
Horrible Accident (5%)  
Drowning (5%)

Knowing me, I’m banking on homicide.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![beefymeg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@beefymeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beefymeg)\
**Post date:** [October 12, 1999, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291/15 "1999-10-12T18:34:00Z")

</div>

May 30, 2055  
at the age of 78 years old.

On that date I will most likely die from:

Cancer (28%)  
Electrolysis (15%)  
Alcoholism (10%)  
Alien Abduction (8%)  
Horrible Accident (6%)  
Third Degree Burns (5%)

At least it won’t be from choking on my own nipple hair.

* * *

Sucks to your assmar.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\
**Post date:** [October 12, 1999, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291/16 "1999-10-12T18:35:00Z")

</div>

TheSpark.comDeathTest  
“I’m afraid we have some bad  
news. Please, you might want  
to stay seated.”

Mark your calendar or Palm V. You can expect to die on:

July 27, 2000  
at the age of 34 years old.

On that date you will most likely die from:

Cancer (53%)  
Alcoholism (11%)  
Alien Abduction (5%)  
F\*\*k. Nice to have met y’all. See ya.  
You know, I had a feeling it was gonna be one of those days…

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![SqrlCub](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SqrlCub](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SqrlCub)\
**Post date:** [October 12, 1999, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291/17 "1999-10-12T18:40:00Z")

</div>

Thanks for your concern Diane. I actually just hold my breath for a really long time with my partner. There is no strangulation involved. If we are in a hot tub I will go under water… Lots of fun. I always make sure the other person knows what taps or limpness mean.

HUGS!  
Sqrl

* * *

Move over Satan. 😉 Now there’s something meatier. [http://smallwonder.simplenet.com/COC.html](http://smallwonder.simplenet.com/COC.html)

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\
**Post date:** [October 12, 1999, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291/18 "1999-10-12T18:41:00Z")

</div>

Well, since it looks like I will be around the longest, I promise to uphold the sterling traditions set forth within the SDMB. If it means having to get in a flame war with myself as the sole surviving member, I feel I am up to that challenge.

All I ask is that before he takes the eternal dirt nap in 2035, Satan posts every word in the Scrabble dictionary just so I can have something to hold my attention during the final years of SDMB solitude.

* * *

I got a lot of energy ready to be wasted on somebody - Mookie Wilson

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![WallyM7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b5e925/32.png) [@WallyM7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WallyM7)\
**Post date:** [October 12, 1999, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291/19 "1999-10-12T18:44:00Z")

</div>

I didn’t study, but I took the test. They said I was dead.

* * *

If you’re hot, that’s good.  
If you’re cool, that’s good.

I don’t get it.

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Catrandom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7bcc69/32.png) [@Catrandom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Catrandom)\
**Post date:** [October 12, 1999, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-the-death-test/9291/20 "1999-10-12T18:51:00Z")

</div>

Mark your calendar or Palm V. You can expect to die on:

May 9, 2036  
at the age of 73 years old.

On that date you will most likely die from:

Alien Abduction (17%)  
Cancer (15%)  
Alcoholism (8%)  
Suicide (8%)  
Heart Attack (7%)  
Contagious Disease (6%)  
Horrible Accident (6%)  
Loneliness (6%)  
Drowning (6%)

Bummer. Not an entertaining choice in the lot.

Catrandom, looking out for homicidal aliens

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