# Take your horoscopes and shove 'em up your... **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 20, 2003, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192 "2003-06-20T15:44:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2003, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192/21 "2003-06-22T01:32:37Z")
Onion: Normally you should face up to your problems. This month, however, all your problems will be wild boars, so you should run away, ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2003, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192/22 "2003-06-22T04:35:51Z")
Sagitarius: Jupiter will move across the asteroid belt, nudging one out of its stable orbit into a collision trajectory that will lead it to wipe you out of the Earths face next Monday at 10:38 AM. ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2003, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192/23 "2003-06-22T07:45:40Z")
Earthling math weak. Earthlings expendable. !0:36 AM. ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2003, 8:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192/24 "2003-06-22T08:04:56Z")
If I’m asked my sign, I always reply, “Ox”. It never fails to confuse the dimwits who swallow that crap. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Great\_Unwashed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_great_unwashed/32/4791_2.png) [@The\_Great\_Unwashed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Great_Unwashed)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2003, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192/25 "2003-06-22T13:26:28Z")
Yeah, I always say, “Aries – I was born a Libra, but I got it changed by deed poll.” Say, it often and sincerely enough and some will say, “Really?” ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2003, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192/26 "2003-06-22T15:16:29Z")
My horoscope for today: > [@](#): > > Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak Man, it’s like they’ve known me all my life! ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2003, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192/27 "2003-06-22T16:50:25Z")
An aquaintance once insisted on drawing up a chart for me. When he was finished, he looked up the interpretations in a book, and read them out loud. Everyone in the room laughed. Every single thing he said was wrong. It was as if he was busy describing the exact opposite of me. Even the “platitudes that apply to everyone” were ones that didn’t apply to me. If nothing debunks astrology, that does. Although I’m sure they have some sort of explaination (oh, well your rising house of the sun indicates that you might have a reverse reading…) ---
**Author:** ![El\_Zagna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d2c977/32.png) [@El\_Zagna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Zagna)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2003, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192/28 "2003-06-22T22:37:32Z")
I may be one of the very few people in America that doesn’t know what his sign is. According to a professional astrologer, on the particular day that I was born the sign chaned from Virgo to Libra, so for her to give me a proper reading she would have to know the exact time of day that I was born, and I couldn’t provide her with that. So when people ask me what sign I am I’m happy to tell them that I don’t know. ---
**Author:** ![Thunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a8b319/32.png) [@Thunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thunder)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2003, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192/29 "2003-06-23T03:15:34Z")
(Lifted from something I vaguely remember from my teen years) Virgo: You’ve got this strange urgin’ That won’t go away Your sign ain’t gonna last The rest of the day. ---
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2003, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192/30 "2003-06-23T19:03:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by elucidator \* > \*\*HI! This is your astology phone line! > > If you are an Aries, press any number at all, so long as you do it RIGHT NOW!! PUNCH IT!! > > Taurus: stare at the phone intently, wait long enough and it will press itself > > Gemini: Press 3. No, wait, 4. No, maybe 3 was right. No, its 4, I’m sure now. > > Cancer: Press 5 and burst into tears. > > Leo: I wouldn’t dream of telling _you_ what number to press > > Virgo: Dont touch the phone. Germs. > > Libra: Press two numbers simultaneously. It wont work, but you cant help yourself. > > Scorpio: Stare like a Taurus, but with dark suspicion. The phone is up to something. You just don’t know what. > > And so on… \*\* Whaddya mean, and so on??? My sign was next! Come on! ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2003, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192/31 "2003-06-23T22:00:27Z")
\*\*SCORPIO \*\*You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2003, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192/32 "2003-06-23T22:14:18Z")
Sagittarius - Just punch all the buttons. You know you can’t leave any of them un-pressed in case that was the one you should have pressed. (From me, a fellow Sag, to you, **vanilla** :D) ---
**Author:** ![Rigel\_Haloran](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/df705f/32.png) [@Rigel\_Haloran](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigel_Haloran)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2003, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192/33 "2003-06-23T22:24:45Z")
/existential blues on/ There was a girl with psychic powers She said “T-bone, what’s your sign?” I blink and answer “NEON!” I thought I’d blow her mind! /existenital blues off/ ---
**Author:** ![Cerowyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/82dd89/32.png) [@Cerowyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cerowyn)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2003, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192/34 "2003-06-23T22:49:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by StarvingButStrong \* > **It was just a scam, of course. None of us knew anything about astrology, and we made no attempt to do any genuine calculations other than looking up the sun sign off the usual chart.** Genuine calculations? For a _horoscope_?!? ---
**Author:** ![StarvingButStrong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/starvingbutstrong/32/335_2.png) [@StarvingButStrong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StarvingButStrong)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192/35 "2003-06-24T04:07:04Z")
Hey, it can be done – at least, accurately figuring out the location of various planets based on astronomical charts, whether or not you believe in them having any significance. We were just too lazy (and stupid and pressed for time) to try to do it right. ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192/36 "2003-06-24T12:04:07Z")
Back when I was in high school I had written a paper on astrology; I don’t remember what class it was for or why I had chosen that as a topic. As part of the research I learned how to draw up astrolgical charts; a natal chart is made by plotting the location of the sun, the moon, and the planets at the moment of a person’s birth. The relationships of the planets at the moment of birth supposedly determined your personality, health etc. Horoscopes are produced by preparing the same chart for the current date and comparing this to a person’s natal chart, with the relationships between the various planets on the two charts indicating what sort of day you would have and all that nonsense. BTW, **bnorton** , I’m in the same situation, except that I know my time of birth close enough to know that the sun was just crossing from Leo into Virgo at about the time I was born, which astrologically speaking means I share the qualities of both signs. Which goes a lot toward explaining my conflicting personality problems - or would if I believed in that crap. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192/37 "2003-06-24T17:57:00Z")
\*\*ARIES \*\* You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice. ---
**Author:** ![rmbnxs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b9e5f3/32.png) [@rmbnxs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rmbnxs)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192/38 "2003-06-24T21:23:04Z")
_Pisces_: You are a moron for believing in astrology. Your predilection for self-delusion increases. You will soon travel to an Indian casino and lose $5,700 at the roulette-table. You are poor at math. Your phone will be disconnected when you fail to pay for $875.35 in calls to the Psychic Hotline. You will spend much of the coming year watching _American Idol_. You will die having never registered to vote, but having amassed a sizeable collection of _Star Wars_ memorabilia. Taurus and Saggitarius figure prominently in your life, unless they don’t. Special numbers: irrational numbers, the largest prime. Best days: get real. ---
**Author:** ![Orange\_Skinner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/3be4f8/32.png) [@Orange\_Skinner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orange_Skinner)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2003, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192/39 "2003-06-24T23:03:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ryan\_Liam \* > \*\*You don’t know how much you made me laugh Orange Skinner, thanks… \*\* 😃 ---
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2003, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192/40 "2003-06-25T00:20:46Z")
having been a former serious student of astrology the correct response of a Sag would be “Which key should I press? These keys are ugly! Who designed them? You? Oh…uh…” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/take-your-horoscopes-and-shove-em-up-your/183192.md?page=3)