# Taking care of someone who is dying \[updated - she has passed\] **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 6, 2020, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-care-of-someone-who-is-dying-updated-she-has-passed/853236 "2020-05-06T00:14:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2020, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-care-of-someone-who-is-dying-updated-she-has-passed/853236/61 "2020-05-17T01:35:27Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > I presume it’s also common for the death to feel unreal. Yes. For me, at least, I think it tends to act as a sort of circuit breaker. When my feelings of grief started to become overwhelming I would sometimes just go numb emotionally for awhile, then start feeling again later on. Which is not to say that it didn’t sometimes hit me like a ton of bricks at times, too, because it did. But feelings of unreality, of weirdly forgetting (like saying "Oh, so-and-so will be coming home soon - oh, wait, no that’s not going to happen), of hearing the person’s voice (in dreams or sometimes thinking you hear it in the distance), and other phenomena are fairly common, even if not commonly talked about. A death of a loved one is enormously stressful, one of the more stressful things you can experience in a lifetime. Don’t be surprised if your brain is sometimes doing weird stuff in an attempt to cope with the situation. You’re not going crazy, and things will settle down again with some time. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2020, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-care-of-someone-who-is-dying-updated-she-has-passed/853236/62 "2020-05-17T02:30:44Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Yes. > > For me, at least, I think it tends to act as a sort of circuit breaker. When my feelings of grief started to become overwhelming I would sometimes just go numb emotionally for awhile, then start feeling again later on. Which is not to say that it didn’t sometimes hit me like a ton of bricks at times, too, because it did. > > But feelings of unreality, of weirdly forgetting (like saying "Oh, so-and-so will be coming home soon - oh, wait, no that’s not going to happen), of hearing the person’s voice (in dreams or sometimes thinking you hear it in the distance), and other phenomena are fairly common, even if not commonly talked about. > > A death of a loved one is enormously stressful, one of the more stressful things you can experience in a lifetime. Don’t be surprised if your brain is sometimes doing weird stuff in an attempt to cope with the situation. You’re not going crazy, and things will settle down again with some time. I’m already familiar with the emotional numbing. I think it’s helped me take care of practical matters. It’s like an internal version of a poker face. I’m not worried about going crazy. I’m acquainted with altered states of mind and I once caught a brief visual hallucination of a cat I’d lost and found it interesting. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2020, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-care-of-someone-who-is-dying-updated-she-has-passed/853236/63 "2020-05-17T21:57:31Z")
Sorry for your loss. > [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > I presume it’s fairly common to regret things you said, things you didn’t say, not having spent more time together? Well, yeah. With Dad there were times I had to remind myself that our relationship involved two people directly and three onlookers most of the time (and Mom, directly hostile to us communicating with each other); yeah it’s true there’s things I wish we’d talked about, but it’s also true that whenever I tried to talk about any of them with him he didn’t join the conversation. I’ve got my grade cards. The first one from first grade says “es mimosa pero no cariñosa”, something like “she tries to get pampered but isn’t loving”. Written by the hand of a man from whom I can’t remember ever getting a hug… ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2020, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-care-of-someone-who-is-dying-updated-she-has-passed/853236/64 "2020-05-17T23:00:59Z")
I know exactly what you mean about an internal poker face. I felt like if I let go I would die from the feelings of loss, regret and memories. So many memories. It was suffocating. After that stage, I just couldn’t shut up talking about my Daddy. I still catch myself up when I talk about him. It makes others uncomfortable. So, I think about him. Alone. Inside my head. With only my own counsel. I’m better. But, man oh man, it was difficult getting here. Take care of yourself. Eat and sleep as well as you can. Love your cats. I wish you peace. My condolences for your great loss. ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2020, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-care-of-someone-who-is-dying-updated-she-has-passed/853236/65 "2020-05-18T16:29:45Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > I saw a guy walk his cat on a leash. I immediately thought she’d like to see that. She’d have liked to see that. I totally feel this. I lost my mother in January. Shortly afterward, I watched the first episode of the Lincoln Rhyme TV series, and I thought, “Mom would like this show; I should tell her about it… aw, shit.” I still catch myself making mental notes of things to tell her next time I talk to her. Thing is, it happens with my Dad, too, who’s been gone for 10 years. I’ll see a car he would like or something, and think of him. But instead of being a bitter reminder that he’s not here to see it, it becomes a nice memory of him and usually makes me smile. I don’t know how long that transition took, and it certainly wasn’t like flipping a switch. You’ll have good and bad days. You’ll never forget your mom, but time will soften the blow. ---
**Author:** ![Patx2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/73ab20/32.png) [@Patx2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patx2)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2020, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-care-of-someone-who-is-dying-updated-she-has-passed/853236/66 "2020-05-18T19:19:28Z")
I’m very sorry for your loss. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2020, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-care-of-someone-who-is-dying-updated-she-has-passed/853236/67 "2020-06-02T18:14:18Z")
Is resentment something that sometimes crops up? Her death has made me look back at her life and her parenting and I’m starting to perceive her possible codependency as having been harmful parenting. There’s a part of me that feels better now. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2020, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-care-of-someone-who-is-dying-updated-she-has-passed/853236/68 "2020-06-02T19:54:15Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > Is resentment something that sometimes crops up? Yup. All sorts of things are likely to crop up. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2021, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-care-of-someone-who-is-dying-updated-she-has-passed/853236/69 "2021-02-18T19:36:51Z")
9 months on, it feels strange and horrible to say but I’m glad she died. I’m trying to make sense of our relationship and what she may have been dealing with but it’s been an exercise in frustration so far. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2021, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-care-of-someone-who-is-dying-updated-she-has-passed/853236/70 "2021-05-13T03:00:22Z")
One year on, I still feel glad that she’s dead. She wasn’t enjoying her life and had a toxic influence on me. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2021, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-care-of-someone-who-is-dying-updated-she-has-passed/853236/71 "2021-05-13T03:17:39Z")
It’s always a complicated situation under the best of circumstances. Hugs to you. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-care-of-someone-who-is-dying-updated-she-has-passed/853236.md?page=3)