# Taking gifts from men you aren't interested in **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 8, 2020, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127 "2020-01-08T15:48:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2020, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/41 "2020-01-10T10:19:18Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > This is his way of courting you. If he continues to treat you this way, he is courting you. If you don’t want him to court you, the correct answer is NOT “I am taking a vacation from dating”, because vacations end after a while. The correct answer is “I am not going to date you”. If that means he stops giving you rides and money, that communicates “no, we are not going to be platonic friends” and the acquaintance dies a natural death. > > Regards, > Shodan > [@Broomstick](#): > > ^ This I can get behind. > > You can’t always stay “just friends”. In which case be polite when encountering this acquaintance socially but don’t expect the perks of friendship. WTF? essentially the same thing as I said, and here, you agree with it? ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2020, 10:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/42 "2020-01-10T10:39:12Z")
> [@SuntanLotion](#): > > As Miss Manners would have said. Thank you. I have learned my lesson, never accept money from a man who might be interested in you. Social interactions are always hard. You should not blame yourself. ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2020, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/43 "2020-01-10T10:41:13Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > ^ This I can get behind. > > You can’t always stay “just friends”. In which case be polite when encountering this acquaintance socially but don’t expect the perks of friendship. Agreed. Sometimes a situation is totally unsalvagable. The OP (people generally) owe nothing more to anyone except courtesey and politness and can at best expect that in return. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2020, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/44 "2020-01-10T15:02:37Z")
Some people – not just men – handle rejection badly. I don’t think there are any magic formulas which will work for anyone. As for advice, the devil is in the details and it’s impossible for strangers on the internet to say if you made a mistake or not. Certainly a couple of rides and a couple of gifts doesn’t seem to me to be that big of a deal, but unfortunately, some people are really clueless. I don’t know if saying “I’m not ready to date now, but maybe I will in the future” works well with clueless guys. It’s likely they will hear that as a chance for them. Simply shutting down the conversation by saying that you aren’t interested in dating, period may be better. ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2020, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/45 "2020-01-10T15:53:38Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > If women would like to be more proactive, to find a man that they want to pursue a relationship with, discern his availability, declare their intentions, and risk the pain and frustration of rejection, I don’t think anything is stopping them. I disagree. Every time I was proactive, the man wasn’t interested. I finally learned, if a man wants you, he should pursue you. This lets a woman know she is desirable and hes not just taking what he can get because its offered. I suppose I should have said Not for at least a year. For those who think I am naïve, I’ve had 9 boyfriends, only 2 of whom ever spent any money on me or took me out on a date. Its a self esteem problem I’ve had all my life, now I am working on it. ---
**Author:** ![naita](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/naita/32/5862_2.png) [@naita](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/naita)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2020, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/46 "2020-01-10T17:39:22Z")
Should you have been more reticent to receive his gifts? Maybe repeated the “I like hanging out with you, but I _really_ am not going to date anyone anytime soon”-message when he kept offering time and money? Perhaps. But if he was genuinely being friendly, that would have been annoying. Should he have been more open about his intentions and not acted like your clear statement would just melt away if he was a “good guy” for a while? I think that is more clear cut. Yes, he should have or at least not followed up his “good guy”-ploy with “my nice guy act has totally turned you around on dating, hasn’t it?” ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2020, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/47 "2020-01-10T19:57:41Z")
> [@naita](#): > > Should he have been more open about his intentions and not acted like your clear statement would just melt away if he was a “good guy” for a while? I think that is more clear cut. Yes, he should have or at least not followed up his “good guy”-ploy with “my nice guy act has totally turned you around on dating, hasn’t it?” I don’t think it is clear cut. Why shouldn’t he have followed up? The OP says “I am taking a vacation from dating for a long time, until I figure out what it is like to be treated well by a man”. Which she is perfectly within her rights to say, and mean. So the guy treats her well (by his lights) for a few months. Then he checks back to see if a few months is a long time, and if this constitutes being treated well enough to date someone. Apparently the answer was No to both. That’s perfectly fine IMO - but it’s not wrong to ask. So now the guy’s in a snit, and isn’t trying to court her anymore. That is IMO understandable, if not laudable - he invested a certain amount of time, energy, and a small amount of money into trying to get her to date him. If he had acted like she was obligated to date him because he gave her $20 and car service, that would be incredibly rude. But it doesn’t appear that he did. > [@begbert2](#): > > But if I’m not going to get a piece of ass, why on earth should I be nice to anybody? Presumably because you want to be kind to someone, or to be platonic friends. But that does not seem to have been his goal. I don’t think he is morally obligated to be her platonic friend any more than she is obligated to date him. They don’t apparently have the same expectations. That doesn’t mean either of them is wrong. If your only reason for pursuing a woman is to get into her pants, well, that’s one thing. IME a real romantic relationship includes other things as well. When I was dating my wife, was my only motivation to get access to the tighter-fitting parts of her clothes? No. Was it one of the motivation? Hell yes. If she had said “we will never be more than friends”, I would not have continued dating her, because my goal was a relationship that included the above mentioned access, at least eventually. I don’t think that was wrong on my part. She doesn’t seem to think so either. Because we both had the same goal - a deeply committed, emotionally satisfying relationship based on mutual respect, shared interests, spiritual growth, and the occasional unhooked brassiere. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2020, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/48 "2020-01-10T21:50:55Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > WTF? essentially the same thing as I said, and here, you agree with it? It’s the way you said it, where I perceived the emphasis to be. It’s pretty damn rare **Shodan** and I agree on anything. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2020, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/49 "2020-01-10T21:52:20Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > I don’t know if saying “I’m not ready to date now, but maybe I will in the future” works well with clueless guys. It’s likely they will hear that as a chance for them. Simply shutting down the conversation by saying that you aren’t interested in dating, period may be better. Maybe. But there are men out there who simply will not take no for answer. Fortunately, most of them are more clued in than that. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2020, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/50 "2020-01-10T23:06:07Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > If your only reason for pursuing a woman is to get into her pants, well, that’s one thing. IME a real romantic relationship includes other things as well. > > When I was dating my wife, was my only motivation to get access to the tighter-fitting parts of her clothes? No. Was it one of the motivation? Hell yes. If she had said “we will never be more than friends”, I would not have continued dating her, because my goal was a relationship that included the above mentioned access, at least eventually. > > I don’t think that was wrong on my part. She doesn’t seem to think so either. Because we both had the same goal - a deeply committed, emotionally satisfying relationship based on mutual respect, shared interests, spiritual growth, and the occasional unhooked brassiere. > > Regards, > Shodan For the record, I was actually kidding. To be rigidly accurate I’m probably less interested in casual sex than the average single man, so while I might stalk in pursuit of romance, I wouldn’t stalk in pursuit of tail. Which is not to say that I’m confident that I would associate with a woman I don’t have a romantic interest in. I’ve already met my quota of one (1) friend and thus am not interest in any more _male_ associations, after all, so I don’t expect I’d be any more interested in a platonic friendship with a woman. Friendships take a lot of time and to add another person I’d have to start canceling on somebody else. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2020, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/51 "2020-01-10T23:24:33Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > This. And the guy is a jerk. A true, decent person helps someone without an expectation of getting something in return. I dont see where he necessarily expected anything in return. If he had said _“I gave you all that money and you wont even go out with me?”_ than sure. But by the Op saying she wouldnt date him, that would by most men be taken more of a personal insult- he is not good looking enuf, too old, too fat, etc. The drives etc would be more of a getting to know you and establishing he is a nice guy. The money? Depending on amount. Rides are acceptable from casual friends. $5 for lunch or gas can be too. A $20 or more is real money and can only be accepted from relatives, a\* very\* close friend or someone you are in a relationship with. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2020, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/52 "2020-01-10T23:29:16Z")
> [@Scougs](#): > > I think it depends how the money was given. The OP clearly states that there was a single gift of money - for her birthday. This wasn’t helping out with bills or anything. Was it “Oh, it’s your birthday? Here’s a wee something to get yourself something nice with” (as we would say in Scotland)?.. A $20 in a birthday card ican be Ok from a casual friend. But not a C note. So I dont think we know the amount? ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2020, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/53 "2020-01-10T23:31:25Z")
> [@SuntanLotion](#): > > … > He once scratched off lottery tickets and won about 50 and gave me 20. Also the 20 for my birthday. The driving was driving me to the coffee shop, two blocks away, only recently because of the weather… That wasnt so bad, then. You need to make it clear to a guy that turning him down isnt mean as a insult. Tough to do. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2020, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/54 "2020-01-10T23:33:18Z")
> [@HMS\_Irruncible](#): > > Money always comes with strings attached, unless you first discuss those terms. > … Not a smallish bill (up to a $20)in a Birthday card. That just means you forgot to buy a present. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2020, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/55 "2020-01-10T23:37:21Z")
> [@chela](#): > > Suntan- Good luck I hope you get to watch the SUper Bowl in peace with friend(s), sharing food and drink. > > Here’s how I look at it, I wouldn’t call 20 bucks and a lift to the local coffee house “gifts” with the connotation they’re wrapped in mystery and manipualtion - But I guess we’re supposed to be supicious. … > > I’m hearing she was wrong to accept a few minor tokens of goodwill and that the dude’s most likely a creep. Guys how about backing off, and not offer unsolicited favors to unfamiliar women just to work an angle that may lead to a future piece of ass. However, a man needs to show he is a Nice guy and can be depended on. For that the rides were perfectly Ok, both just as friends and for a man to show off. The $20 for B-day might have been a bit much, altho a $20 gift card where he know she likes to shop wouldnt be. Odd. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2020, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/56 "2020-01-10T23:39:02Z")
> [@begbert2](#): > > But if I’m not going to get a piece of ass, why on earth should I be nice to anybody? Well, if that’s how you think, then perhaps you shouldnt be dating. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2020, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/57 "2020-01-10T23:41:33Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > Well, if that’s how you think, then perhaps you shouldnt be dating. It’s actually _not_ how I think, but don’t worry, I’m not dating anyway. My current working plan is to die alone and unloved. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2020, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/58 "2020-01-10T23:41:44Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > I don’t think it is clear cut. Why shouldn’t he have followed up? > > The OP says “I am taking a vacation from dating for a long time, until I figure out what it is like to be treated well by a man”. Which she is perfectly within her rights to say, and mean. So the guy treats her well (by his lights) for a few months. Then he checks back to see if a few months is a long time, and if this constitutes being treated well enough to date someone. Apparently the answer was No to both. That’s perfectly fine IMO - but it’s not wrong to ask. So now the guy’s in a snit, and isn’t trying to court her anymore. That is IMO understandable, if not laudable - he invested a certain amount of time, energy, and a small amount of money into trying to get her to date him. If he had acted like she was obligated to date him because he gave her $20 and car service, that would be incredibly rude. But it doesn’t appear that he did. Presumably because you want to be kind to someone, or to be platonic friends. But that does not seem to have been his goal. > > I don’t think he is morally obligated to be her platonic friend any more than she is obligated to date him. They don’t apparently have the same expectations. That doesn’t mean either of them is wrong. > > If your only reason for pursuing a woman is to get into her pants, well, that’s one thing. IME a real romantic relationship includes other things as well. > > When I was dating my wife, was my only motivation to get access to the tighter-fitting parts of her clothes? No. Was it one of the motivation? Hell yes. If she had said “we will never be more than friends”, I would not have continued dating her, because my goal was a relationship that included the above mentioned access, at least eventually. > > I don’t think that was wrong on my part. She doesn’t seem to think so either. Because we both had the same goal - a deeply committed, emotionally satisfying relationship based on mutual respect, shared interests, spiritual growth, and the occasional unhooked brassiere. > > … Good post, I concur. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/59 "2020-01-11T14:41:09Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > It’s the way you said it, where I perceived the emphasis to be. > > It’s pretty damn rare **Shodan** and I agree on anything. You basically quote-mined me. You ignored an critical part of my statement, which significantly changed the meaning of what (you then claimed) I had said. ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/60 "2020-01-11T16:19:41Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > Rides are acceptable from casual friends. $5 for lunch or gas can be too. A $20 or more is real money and can only be accepted from relatives, a\* very\* close friend or someone you are in a relationship with. I have learned my lesson. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127.md?page=4)