# Taking gifts from men you aren't interested in **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 8, 2020, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127 "2020-01-08T15:48:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2020, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/81 "2020-01-12T21:19:33Z")
> [@CarnalK](#): > > Handling out cash to a relative stranger, who’s not begging on the street is weird. Sorry. They aren’t strangers. They have been watching games together for months. They live in the same building. It was her birthday on one occasion, a big windfall on the other. This is in the range of normal niceness for a lot of people. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2020, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/82 "2020-01-12T21:32:46Z")
You are reaching pretty hard. He won $50 and gave her $20. That’s not a big windfall you just gotta spread around. And when was the last time someone other than your grandma gave you $20 for your birthday? If these things don’t arch your eyebrow, that’s your problem. I am not being overly cynical here. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2020, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/83 "2020-01-12T21:40:07Z")
> [@CarnalK](#): > > You are reaching pretty hard. He won $50 and gave her $20. That’s not a big windfall you just gotta spread around. And when was the last time someone other than your grandma gave you $20 for your birthday? If these things don’t arch your eyebrow, that’s your problem. I am not being overly cynical here. I have known people that generous who did not have exterior motives. Our office manager, who makes probably half of what I do, gives me (and others) gifts in that range. She just likes making people happy. My brother is actively uncomfortable being happy if the people around him are not; he’d have split the scratch off, because he would have been embarrassed to have good fortune in front of someone else who did not. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2020, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/84 "2020-01-12T21:44:36Z")
Ok, you can think this is something remotely close to an office manager handing out knickknacks if you want. ---
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2020, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/85 "2020-01-12T23:01:18Z")
> [@Helena330](#): > > Do you have studies to back up your claims that “many women are drawn to bad boys” and the rest? My informal study (many women friends) concludes that women want decent guys who treat them respectfully and don’t make weird assumptions like you do. Not to derail this thread, but at least one [study](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/head-games/201310/why-do-women-fall-bad-boys) has shown that many women are attracted to men who possess the “Dark Triad” personality traits (narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellism). My sister is one example of this. I don’t think she will date a guy unless he has a rap sheet. She likes “tough” guys who get in fights. She finds nice guys boring. ---
**Author:** ![LAZombie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b38774/32.png) [@LAZombie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LAZombie)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2020, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/86 "2020-01-13T15:07:09Z")
> [@CarnalK](#): > > Just as a point of reference, as a man I’ve never been offered $20 from a neighbor just because I was near them whne they scratched a winning lotto ticket. Nor a short ride because omg it’s raining. If they did, my likely first thought would honestly be “is this guy hitting on me?” So I frankly find it baffling that women actually live in a world where there is any confusion as to why relative strangers give them free stuff. People who gamble can be very superstitious. Not sharing your winnings can bring the wrath of the gambling gods. Beyond that, sharing a windfall is way of celebrating. It probably would have been more appropriate to suggest ordering a pizza with everything on it and offering to pay for it. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2020, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/87 "2020-01-13T15:29:56Z")
> [@naita](#): > > I think he’s morally obligated not to pretend he’s a platonic friend if what he’s really doing is biding his time until she’s ready to date. It’s not that it was wrong of him to ask, it’s that asking indicates his “nice guy act” was just indeed just an act. > > Note though I didn’t say “It’s clear cut”, I said it was “more clear cut”. To me it’s less of a maybe than her accepting his acts of “friendship”, but it’s not a stone tablet. My perspective on this is very likely affected by the fact that I found it so screamingly obvious that he wasn’t trying to be a platonic friend. At least not in order to be a platonic friend, if that makes sense. He was courting her. I wouldn’t even characterize this guy as a “Nice Guy”. Because he didn’t do what the stereotypical “Nice Guy” does, which would be to keep up the act after she made it clear it wasn’t working, or to act like she was obligated to date him. Yes, he’s pissed off at her, but he isn’t trying to court her either. There is a piece of advice that the Pick-Up Artist gives that the “Nice Guy” needs IMO to follow. If you aren’t going to close the deal, move on. She wants a platonic friend. He wants to date her/get into her pants/have her bear his children and die in her arms. However you phrase it, they have different and irreconcilable goals. She isn’t wrong, he isn’t wrong. They have different goals - move on. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2020, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/88 "2020-01-13T15:43:16Z")
ph ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2020, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/89 "2020-01-13T17:35:08Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > … > I wouldn’t even characterize this guy as a “Nice Guy”. Because he didn’t do what the stereotypical “Nice Guy” does, which would be to keep up the act after she made it clear it wasn’t working, or to act like she was obligated to date him. Yes, he’s pissed off at her, but he isn’t trying to court her either… We dont know how she phrased it, he just may be temporarily angry and will go back to being friends. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2020, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/90 "2020-01-13T17:59:31Z")
Maybe he will have another go at it. If I were him, I wouldn’t bother. The smart as well as polite thing to do would be to wait for her to come to him, if and when she changes her mind. Plenty of other fish in the ocean. He spent three months chasing one particular fish. That’s more than enough, IMO. Cut your losses. I haven’t dated since the Jurassic period, but I always heard it as more or less a game of percentages. You hit on every one you find remotely interesting. 90% of the time you get nowhere. Which means you need to ask out ten women. You tend to get more dates spending three months chasing ten women, than three months chasing one. IYSWIM. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2020, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/91 "2020-01-13T18:13:02Z")
Any time I’m invited out, I offer to pay my share. Be it male pride or whatever the reason, my offer is declined. From that point on, I feel I did my duty and feel no guilt in accepting what is bestowed upon me. ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2020, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/92 "2020-01-13T20:31:10Z")
Like I said, I won’t make that mistake again. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, although Miss Manners would say it was improper. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2020, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/93 "2020-01-13T21:39:39Z")
> [@CarnalK](#): > > You are reaching pretty hard. He won $50 and gave her $20. That’s not a big windfall you just gotta spread around. And when was the last time someone other than your grandma gave you $20 for your birthday? If these things don’t arch your eyebrow, that’s your problem. I am not being overly cynical here. My bosses at work gave me a $100 visa gift card for christmas. You can call it a bonus, but it was pretty explicitly not presented as one - it came in a christmas card the same way the gift cards I get from my extended family do. (Not my grandma, though: I’ve run out of grandmas.) And seriously, for people over a certain income $20 isn’t much. I’ve “loaned” a friend a thousand times that much - but he’s a longtime friend and was in dire straits. (And it was only a “loan” because there was no way in hell he’d take that as a gift.) So I can easily see giving a person I was a casual friend with $20 if I had gotten the impression they were in strained financial circumstances. I might even be looking for excuses to do so when the offer wouldn’t offend them. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2020, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/94 "2020-01-13T21:41:06Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > My perspective on this is very likely affected by the fact that I found it so screamingly obvious that he wasn’t trying to be a platonic friend. At least not in order to be a platonic friend, if that makes sense. He was courting her. > > I wouldn’t even characterize this guy as a “Nice Guy”. Because he didn’t do what the stereotypical “Nice Guy” does, which would be to keep up the act after she made it clear it wasn’t working, or to act like she was obligated to date him. Yes, he’s pissed off at her, but he isn’t trying to court her either. Considering there to be some kind of obligation accrued when you give somebody a ride is a total ‘nice guy’ move. ---
**Author:** ![naita](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/naita/32/5862_2.png) [@naita](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/naita)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2020, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/95 "2020-01-14T13:29:04Z")
> [@CarnalK](#): > > No, because I never “want to make friends with someone”. I generally take an organic approach to friend making. > > If I want to be friendly with my neighbors, I’ll do favors if they ask or just automatically help them get the snow off their car or something. I don’t give them money or unsolicited rides to job interviews. You do realize “wanting to make friends with someone” is a perfectly normal thing that millions of people engage in, right? Even if it’s unusually friendly, there are millions of unusually friendly people out there. And also millions who are less knee-jerk suspicious of them than you. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2020, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/96 "2020-01-14T14:27:19Z")
> [@SuntanLotion](#): > > Okay, I’m seeking opinions, humble or otherwise. I know what Miss Manners would say so I’m not asking her. > Theres this man in my apt building. We started talking and since I love football, I watch it on the tv in the lobby. He joined me in doing so, gave me money for my birthday… You should not have accepted the money. That’s not an appropriate gift for someone you just know in your building. This guy sounds like bad news anyway. Giving a woman money and things and later expecting romance in reciprocation? No, no, no no no. ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2020, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/97 "2020-01-14T14:56:24Z")
I went to the lobby last night to watch news as something bad happened (missing boy body found) and he was there watching basketball. I sat behind him, and not 5 minutes later, he got up and left! ---
**Author:** ![Pazu](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pazu/32/15522_2.png) [@Pazu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pazu)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2020, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/98 "2020-01-14T16:27:46Z")
> [@SuntanLotion](#): > > I went to the lobby last night to watch news as something bad happened (missing boy body found) and he was there watching basketball. I sat behind him, and not 5 minutes later, he got up and left! It seems that his absence from your life is bothering you more than you let on. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2020, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/99 "2020-01-14T20:16:21Z")
Maybe he doesn’t like the smell of coconuts. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2020, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127/100 "2020-01-14T20:37:21Z")
> [@SuntanLotion](#): > > I went to the lobby last night to watch news as something bad happened (missing boy body found) and he was there watching basketball. I sat behind him, and not 5 minutes later, he got up and left! Hmm. Option 1: He’s mad at you, noticed you coming in, and decided that your presence disgusts him and departed. Option 2: He’s aware that he crossed a line and broke your friendship and trust, is uncomfortable around you as a result. He noticed you come in, and left. Option 3: He didn’t see you and had to take a pee. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-gifts-from-men-you-arent-interested-in/846127.md?page=6)