# Taking someone out \[on a date\] **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 9, 2010, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800 "2010-05-09T06:52:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Red\_Barchetta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/da6949/32.png) [@Red\_Barchetta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Red_Barchetta)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2010, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800/21 "2010-05-09T21:08:19Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > Actually, I asked out four women back then. Three said no. One said yes but then changed her mind. This is a different one. I just wanted to point out that I love that **Missred** \*misread \*your original post 😛 ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2010, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800/22 "2010-05-10T00:15:58Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > I went on a **very** successful museum date last year (we got it on the moment we got back to her apartment from the museum) What museum did YOU two go to? ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2010, 8:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800/23 "2010-05-10T08:38:07Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > What museum did YOU two go to? The Museum of Crimes Against Humanity. (I kid.) ---
**Author:** ![Martiju](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@Martiju](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martiju)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2010, 11:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800/24 "2010-05-10T11:42:22Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > The Museum of Crimes Against Humanity. > > (I kid.) You took her to the States on a first date..?! 😃 Seriously, well done jjimm. You won’t know me but I always look out for your posts - I’m pleased for you! ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2010, 11:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800/25 "2010-05-10T11:47:38Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > Kayland, yes, I tend to be unusually systematic when something matters to me. It’s sometimes advantageous, sometimes (like dating) not. Well, you’re proto-lawyers; lawyers are supposed to be, among other things, strategists. I like your reasoning for the choice of venue; personally, I prefer movie-and-dinner to dinner-and-a-movie for reasons similar to those you mentioned (the movie gives you something to talk about during dinner which is different from work/study and different from that list of questions which ends up sounding like a job application), but also because, like your own plan, it indicates that the person proposing it hasn’t just bought the cookie-cutter solution. ---
**Author:** ![missred](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/missred/32/14096_2.png) [@missred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missred)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2010, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800/26 "2010-05-10T11:48:31Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > Actually, I asked out four women back then. Three said no. One said yes but then changed her mind. This is a different one. Still, you have a date Wednesday. You’re ahead of some of us. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2010, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800/27 "2010-05-10T13:57:05Z")
Thanks **Martiju** - museum girl dumped me two months later but it was fun for a while. It was some museum in Glasgow that I don’t remember the name of. > [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > Thanks Jjimm for the info. I’m curious about the precise way you were blatant with the woman in question. Did I misunderstand or did you not sleep in the same bed? Maybe it’s just me, but if I went on dates with a woman and we slept in the same bed, I’d presume interest on her part. I’m not really the sort of person who should be giving advice about this kind of thing, given my patchy record over the past couple of years - but maybe it’s helpful for me to relate my experiences as I do seem to be coming from a similar place as you (though I’m a natural extrovert in life, I have not been where it comes to romantic matters since the divorce). So to answer your questions, for some reason (I’m non-threatening?) I often find myself sharing a bed with various women I’m just friends with, so I don’t always take it as an indicator of interest. And really this girl and I were not “dating”, we’re just hanging out. But after my epiphany the other day, my physical escalation with her has been specifically: resting my hand on her arm or wrist or leg for a second or two while I’m emphasizing a point; when we hug hello, kissing her on the lips not the cheek, and resting my hands on the top of her ass as we hug; putting my arm round her when we’re walking down the street; rubbing her arm gently when we’re sitting together; stroking her stomach. She almost immediately started to reciprocate these actions - stroking my arm and complementing me on my biceps, holding my hand, stroking my face. Verbally, being mean to her with faint praise: “you have beautiful eyes [she really does]. It’s such shame about the rest of your head. If I had a head like that with eyes like that, I’d keep the eyes and get rid of the rest - it’s one way of losing pounds of unwanted fat too.” She caught me blatantly looking at her ass: “are you looking at my ass?!” to which I replied, with a smile, “Yeah. So what? I can’t help it - not only is it a fine looking ass, it’s also so big that it obscures my vision of the rest of the room” [she’s actually really slim]. Yesterday I was making us lunch and while I was cooking she said “you know what, sometimes you look pretty damn hot”, to which I replied “yeah, I have my moments. And I admire the way you cope with not having so many. By hanging around me though, some of my glamor might rub off on you, so keep close” - then I walked over to her and kissed her on the mouth - because it just felt like the right thing to do - and she kissed back. > [@](#): > > The line between showing of interest and creepy is something that’s holding me back. I know I’m bad at following the subtler social rules and reading signals so I tend to hang back for fear of being too pushy/forward. I have a similar problem with eye contact: When I know someone, especially a woman I’m attracted to, I can have eye contact all day. But when I make eye contact with a female stranger, I can’t maintain it because I figure eye contact with a male stranger might be seen as threatening. You do sound a lot like me - particularly in the liberation to your behaviour if you know her, versus “maybe she’ll think I’m creepy” constraint if you don’t. My epiphany was that it doesn’t really matter all that much. If she thinks I’m creepy, then I was never in with a chance anyway, and I’ll just stop behaving that way towards her and que sera sera. Whereas if I don’t do anything then I will never know at all. I also think that from the sound of it you’re like me and coming from so far down the “creepy” scale that what _you_ think will be overt and disturbing will probably be miles away from what actually _is_ creepy. > [@](#): > > Physical contact is a big barrier. I’m quite wary of touching someone (even non-sexually) when that person doesn’t want to. So I’d need some kind of confirmation, but such confirmations are seldom made explicit. Me too. But I also realised that the confirmation is that she doesn’t move away or look uncomfortable. In other words, you _have_ to try a little physical contact in order to find out. My biggest issue is trying to find an excuse to make contact in the first place. I went to this one girl’s house for dinner last year and though she was making a lot of eye contact and we were sitting quite close on the sofa I never felt there was an excuse to reach out to her, so I never did. And it all fizzled. But if you don’t begin the physicality just a little bit, then nothing is _ever_ going to happen. Don’t go in all guns blazing - just start small and gentle and if it’s not rejected, gently push at the limits. Remember too that your introverted date may be having similar doubts to you and discussing this sort of thing with _her_ friends (or a messageboard). ---
**Author:** ![melodyharmonius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/melodyharmonius/32/21310_2.png) [@melodyharmonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melodyharmonius)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2010, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800/28 "2010-05-10T14:13:13Z")
Are you picking her up or meeting her there? ---
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2010, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800/29 "2010-05-10T14:52:38Z")
This. > [@](#): > > Don’t go in all guns blazing - just start small and gentle and if it’s not rejected, gently push at the limits. **jjim** is a genuis. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2010, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800/30 "2010-05-10T15:25:55Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > From my own experience, therefore: smile (but not so much that you look like a corpse with rigor mortis)… [This](http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2006/8/23/how-to-fake-a-smile.html) should help you out. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2010, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800/31 "2010-05-10T17:10:16Z")
> [@melodyharmonius](#): > > Are you picking her up or meeting her there? Meeting her there. I don’t have a car. ---
**Author:** ![kapri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4491bb/32.png) [@kapri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kapri)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2010, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800/32 "2010-05-10T22:13:38Z")
What Cat Whisperer said, and I emphasize **listen to her.** So many of my friends complain after a first date that they weren’t interested in going out with the guy again because all he did was talk about himself. So ask her questions and listen to her answers. Don’t ask too many questions, of course, but don’t talk about yourself the whole time. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2010, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800/33 "2010-05-10T22:17:25Z")
> [@kapri](#): > > What Cat Whisperer said, and I emphasize **listen to her.** The key to good conversation is asking questions. ---
**Author:** ![Perciful](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b38774/32.png) [@Perciful](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Perciful)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800/34 "2010-05-11T00:09:00Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > The key to good conversation is asking questions. I agree. People like to talk about themselves so ask her this or that but nothing too personal. In the Museum in Boston they have a little eating area where you can sit and talk over a glass of wine. I like a date that has a sense of humor so try and be light and funny. Good Luck! ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800/35 "2010-05-11T00:41:30Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > The key to good conversation is asking questions. Yes, but make sure you don’t turn it into an interrogation. I’m naturally inquisitive, and I’ve made that mistake before. One thing I’ve learned is to actually comment on what was previously said before asking another question. And not to resort to a question as long as you have a statement that would continue the conversation. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800/36 "2010-05-11T00:44:36Z")
So, tell me, what is it well adjusted people talk about on a date? I know we’ll have the exhibits to talk about but more generally. Where are you from, what did you study, job, what do you like to do for fun, what places did you travel to, siblings, music/movies you like. What else? ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 8:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800/37 "2010-05-11T08:37:04Z")
You really don’t need to make your conversation any different from normal. What would you talk about with your friends? If you only talk about sports and women with your guy friends (which, from the sounds of you, you don’t), what would you talk about with female friends? Doesn’t have to be earth shattering - TV shows, mutual acquaintances, things that you’re enthusiastic about (though not obsessive interest - that’s weird), things you’ve done, funny anecdotes, pets, whatever. The only alteration to a regular conversation is to be more teasing than normal. Be an active listener, too. I’m getting the impression you might mentally prepare a list of topics. Nothing wrong with that, but don’t reel off a set of cribbed questions in a row: just ask one question and react to the answer intelligently. Don’t be afraid to ask for clarification. And even if your question results in a non-committal answer, comment on the non-committal answer: “You’re not very communicative about [subject]. Have I touched a nerve? Did you have a childhood trauma with [subject]? Do you want to talk about it - I’m a very good listener? Etc.” while raising an eyebrow and smiling in a goofy manner so she knows you’re not serious. Another thing (again, I’m no dating expert, but I am quite a good conversationalist) is to bring something to the table with your questions. E.g. don’t just go “what’s your favourite movie?” like a child would. Say “Oh my God, have you ever seen _Shaving Ryan’s Privates_ [or a movie of your choice]?” If she says no, tell her why you like it; compare it to movies she might have seen. If she says yes and liked it, you can share why it was so good. If she hated it, find out why, and have a playful argument about it (personally I would grin and call her a philistine and explain why liking it makes me better than her, but you might want to be more earnest) - then ask what _does_ she like, and get her to talk about that. Another thing I find myself doing is linking earlier conversation topics into subsequent topics - in a humorous manner. Lame example as I can’t remember a genuine one: say you see an exhibit of a shark skeleton. You discuss how much it would hurt if one of them bit her on the butt. Later in the museum you see the Mona Lisa. “Know why she’s got that expression? She’s just been bitten on the ass by a shark - and she liked it.” That kind of thing, albeit hopefully funnier. ---
**Author:** ![panman\_1960](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/919ad9/32.png) [@panman\_1960](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panman_1960)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800/38 "2010-05-11T12:24:46Z")
> [@](#): > > Here’s the list of exhibitions: science behind human thought, **the 7 sins** , … Wow, if this isn’t an opportunity to find out a lot about your date, I don’t know what is! Good Luck, I hope she’s a keeper. Have fun, relax, and be honest. later, Tom. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800/39 "2010-05-11T18:15:06Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > So, tell me, what is it well adjusted people talk about on a date? I know we’ll have the exhibits to talk about but more generally. > > Where are you from, what did you study, job, what do you like to do for fun, what places did you travel to, siblings, music/movies you like. What else? Dude, seriously, relax. Start with that and see where it goes. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800/40 "2010-05-11T20:17:46Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > So, tell me, what is it well adjusted people talk about on a date? I know we’ll have the exhibits to talk about but more generally. > > Where are you from, what did you study, job, what do you like to do for fun, what places did you travel to, siblings, music/movies you like. What else? Don’t talk about sex on the first date. Don’t talk about ex-girlfriends. It’s fine to talk generally about school and your classes, and about your summer work plans. Ask her about why she wanted to become a lawyer, and tell her about what inspired you, if you think it puts you in a good light (i.e., don’t say “I went to law school because I flunked organic chemistry”). Don’t get too detailed or start arguing over particular cases or points of law, because you’ll come across as a gunner. As far as social awkwardness goes, if there’s an awkward point in the conversation, you can say “I’m sorry; I get nervous on a first date.” Don’t keep saying this over and over across the evening, though, because at some point it crosses over from sounding cute to sounding frightened. I wouldn’t get into any discussion about your social anxieties, missing social cues, etc., until you know each other better. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-someone-out-on-a-date/538800.md?page=3)