# Taking the leap into polyamory; advice and experiences appreciated **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 3, 2016, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843 "2016-09-03T01:27:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2016, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/21 "2016-09-03T21:59:37Z")
> [@Peremensoe](#): > > No. But it sounded like you were also getting “a” room, all together, planned in advance. > > If your plan all along has been that you and your GF are getting your own room, not at the same location as the meeting bar, and not known to your friends-to-be, then disregard my comment. I don’t think I explained this part too well. The plan is for each couple to get their own room. However, we’d all being “playing” in the same room together. Since alcohol will be involved, staying the night at the hotel seems best. The hotel is not the same location as the bar, and I’m confused as to what you feel may be risky about them knowing where we stay? ---
**Author:** ![Bear\_Nenno](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bear_nenno/32/3358_2.png) [@Bear\_Nenno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bear_Nenno)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2016, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/22 "2016-09-03T22:00:19Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > That’s why we’re meeting up at a bar _first_, to hang out a bit and get to know each other. Did you miss that part? I haven’t seen a thread ask for comments and shit all over them this hard since Opel died. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2016, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/23 "2016-09-03T22:07:34Z")
> [@Bear\_Nenno](#): > > I haven’t seen a thread ask for comments and shit all over them this hard since Opel died. Wha? The only response of mine that I feel even comes close to “shitting” is the one re stds. I felt that it was a bit, idk, patronizing? Anyway, anything you may be noticing on my part is unintentional. Ill try to be more careful. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2016, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/24 "2016-09-03T22:10:26Z")
> [@Bear\_Nenno](#): > > I haven’t seen a thread ask for comments and shit all over them this hard since Opel died. And while I don’t mind hearing from anyone, the “comments” I asked for were those from people with first hand experience. ---
**Author:** ![Jennshark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Jennshark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jennshark)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2016, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/25 "2016-09-03T22:27:27Z")
Years ago when I was with a different partner we tried several three- and foursomes with single and coupled women (lesbian here). One couple were good friends, the others were acquaintances of varying degrees. Nobody left anyone, there was no drama, no one died of an STD or were Buffalo Billed for their skins 🙂 What I got out of the experiences were that sex with someone other than an intimate partner was toilsome (as in: lots of physical work with unfamiliar bodies and without matching rewards) and thusly rather boring for me. Ultimately, sex with just my beloved partner was far more passionate and physically satisfying. But good for you guys! Have fun and I hope you report back on the experience. ---
**Author:** ![Bear\_Nenno](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bear_nenno/32/3358_2.png) [@Bear\_Nenno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bear_Nenno)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2016, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/26 "2016-09-03T22:54:09Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Wha? The only response of mine that I feel even comes close to “shitting” is the one re stds. I felt that it was a bit, idk, patronizing? Anyway, anything you may be noticing on my part is unintentional. Ill try to be more careful. 🙂 Fair enough. 🙂 Good luck with your hook up, by the way. It must work for some people or it wouldn’t be a thing, but I’ve heard that–eventually–it always ends poorly no matter how great it starts off. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/27 "2016-09-04T00:56:47Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > I don’t know if polyamory is the right term but I think so. My gf (of about a year and a half) and I have decided to open up our sex lives a bit and explore adult fun with another couple. Those with personal experiences with this type of thing can chime in, for advice or anything. This isn’t the girlfriend with BPD, is it? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/28 "2016-09-04T01:01:16Z")
> [@Penfeather](#): > > This isn’t the girlfriend with BPD, is it? Same one. And we’re keeping this to a one-time affair, for now at least. We just want to see what its like. She’s in DBT therapy now and under much control. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/29 "2016-09-04T01:05:49Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > adult fun with another couple You’re going to watch a Merchant Ivory film? ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/30 "2016-09-04T02:31:19Z")
> [@Bear\_Nenno](#): > > Fair enough. 🙂 > Good luck with your hook up, by the way. It must work for some people or it wouldn’t be a thing, but I’ve heard that–eventually–it always ends poorly no matter how great it starts off. Eh, I know some polyamorous folks who don’t have any more drama in their lives than anyone else who dates. I don’t really know any swingers who are into couple+couple stuff, but that seems emotionally safer than polyamory, all in all. I hope it works out for you. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/31 "2016-09-04T02:34:35Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Same one. And we’re keeping this to a one-time affair, for now at least. We just want to see what its like. She’s in DBT therapy now and under much control. Oh, shit. Well, good luck. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/32 "2016-09-04T02:51:53Z")
Not having one-on-one alone time seems like a good call. Just curious, is this a free-for-all or are you both straight and the other couple is both straight? That is, will you be having sex with the dude and/or will your girlfriend be having sex with the woman? I’m just curious how many potential emotional entanglements are in play here. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/33 "2016-09-04T04:34:03Z")
> [@Bear\_Nenno](#): > > Fair enough. 🙂 > Good luck with your hook up, by the way. It must work for some people or it wouldn’t be a thing, but I’ve heard that–eventually–it always ends poorly no matter how great it starts off. Yeah, that’s true. But it’s also true that all monogamous relationships end poorly. Either you break up, or one of you dies and leaves the other alone. The only way the relationship can end without heartbreak is if you both die in a common disaster. So there’s that. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/34 "2016-09-04T04:40:05Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > Not having one-on-one alone time seems like a good call. > > Just curious, is this a free-for-all or are you both straight and the other couple is both straight? That is, will you be having sex with the dude and/or will your girlfriend be having sex with the woman? I’m just curious how many potential emotional entanglements are in play here. As far as I know, all 4 of us are straight. Ish. Like I mentioned earlier, my gf and I have been recently expanding our sex lives and this has included some 3 ways with another girl. She seemed to really enjoy it. But no Interleague play on the male side will be happening. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![chappachula](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d2c977/32.png) [@chappachula](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chappachula)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/35 "2016-09-04T04:58:49Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Since alcohol will be involved… Hmm… Alcohol can be a good lubricant…for _casual socializing_. It seems a little dangerous for being alone in a hotel room with total strangers. Sure, they _say_ they have kids and a stable family life,etc. etc. I’d recommend that your first meeting not be at a noisy bar. Maybe a nice restaurant? Someplace quiet ,where you can have serious conversation. Good luck, have fun…and be careful. ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/36 "2016-09-04T05:47:15Z")
We tried something…somewhat similar once. As it turned out, I was terrifically uncomfortable when it came down to it. (This was my husband and I plus a woman we sought out [the pics we exchanged were NOT true to life].) It was NOT fun. Have an exit plan, and I dunno, code words for bailing if necessary? If you or she wants out, make it graceful. ---
**Author:** ![owlfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@owlfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/owlfan)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 7:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/37 "2016-09-04T07:59:12Z")
Read “The 158-pound Marriage” by John Irving ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/38 "2016-09-04T13:40:45Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Just to touch back here for a sec, you honestly think I’d be in communication with this other couple, share pics back and forth, and talk about sex with each other, _without_ letting them know that I don’t walk??? Seriously? You think I would have just showed up, wheels and all, and say, “oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, I’m a paraplegic”?! You have more common sense than that. Cite? 😁 I have (to say the least) no experience with this kind of thing, but you did mention that you advertised for “female seeking female” when it was actually a couple, or maybe mostly you. And I seem to remember that people being less than 100 percent upfront on dating sites is a thing. So there’s that. Maybe the pictures the other couple sent are really them. Maybe they are open minded swim suit models and it will end up like Penthouse letters. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/39 "2016-09-04T14:04:07Z")
It does seem prudent for you to meet these people _before_ you agree to have sex with them. And I don’t mean hours before, I mean a weekend dinner out, followed by at least a week to think it over. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/40 "2016-09-04T15:12:56Z")
> [@Bear\_Nenno](#): > > You fucking asked for thoughts, didn’t you? Here’s mine: > You girlfriend is probably just bored to shit of you and wants an excuse to fuck other people. It’s not going to end well for you. That was my first thought as well. I’ve known three couples who did this. They are no longer couples, including a hideous divorce for one of them. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843.md?page=3)