# Taking the leap into polyamory; advice and experiences appreciated **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 3, 2016, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843 "2016-09-03T01:27:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/41 "2016-09-04T15:20:21Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > That was my first thought as well. Ha! šŸ˜› ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/42 "2016-09-04T15:26:30Z")
> [@Bear\_Nenno](#): > > You fucking asked for thoughts, didnā€™t you? Hereā€™s mine: > You girlfriend is probably just bored to shit of you and wants an excuse to fuck other people. Itā€™s not going to end well for you. Duly noted. šŸ™‚ ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Hedonia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ann_hedonia/32/319_2.png) [@Ann\_Hedonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Hedonia)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/43 "2016-09-04T16:03:43Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Same one. And weā€™re keeping this to a one-time affair, for now at least. We just want to see what its like. Sheā€™s in DBT therapy now and under much control. Has she discussed this plan with her therapist? ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/44 "2016-09-04T16:39:54Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Same one. And weā€™re keeping this to a one-time affair, for now at least. We just want to see what its like. Sheā€™s in DBT therapy now and under much control. Dude, I canā€™t help but think this is a very, very bad idea. I would be nervous for a healthy couple to try this. But to do with with a girl that just up and disappeared on you with no signs, no warnings and left you with an empty apartment? No dude. Justā€¦ no. I suggest you go back and read that thread you started. You donā€™t want to go through that pain again do you? ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/45 "2016-09-04T16:53:29Z")
GoodLuck. If this was bungee jumping, Iā€™d say use two cords. If this was skydiving, Iā€™d say have back-up chutes. If this was Poltergeist, Iā€™d say Make Damned Sure somebody pulls you both through the other side, even if you both do get covered in goo. Its not though. Good luckā€¦ ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/46 "2016-09-04T17:18:05Z")
My advice, based on very positive feedback from my wife: never lose sight or contact (emotional and physical) with your girlfriend. Whatever you and the other woman are doing, include your girlfriend in the experience. We had several very successful and interesting experiences, but the emphasis is on ā€œwe.ā€ This is a couples experience, not an opportunity for sex with someone else. Thatā€™s what worked for us, anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/47 "2016-09-04T18:25:44Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > Dude, I canā€™t help but think this is a very, very bad idea. I would be nervous for a healthy couple to try this. But to do with with a girl that just up and disappeared on you with no signs, no warnings and left you with an empty apartment? > > No dude. Justā€¦ no. > > I suggest you go back and read that thread you started. You donā€™t want to go through that pain again do you? Lol. I appreciate the concern but Im not doing this on a whim. I know you all only have the info I provide, so its understandable that some might be alarmed. But trust me, for one thing she is in a much better place, mentally and emotionally. Also, weā€™re just trying it, like any other novelty, and if its not good we wont pursue it further. I am not doing this blindly or without thinking. _I_ am the one in this relationship and this is something I want. Same goes for her. Eyes are wide open, across the board. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/48 "2016-09-04T18:28:11Z")
> [@Ann\_Hedonia](#): > > Has she discussed this plan with her therapist? You know, I do not know. She doesnā€™t tell me TOO much about the substance of her therapy sessions. And I feel that is the healthiest way to handle it. I canā€™t imagine that she hasnā€™t though. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/49 "2016-09-04T18:31:01Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > Cite? šŸ˜ > > I have (to say the least) no experience with this kind of thing, but you did mention that you advertised for ā€œfemale seeking femaleā€ when it was actually a couple, or maybe mostly you. And I seem to remember that people being less than 100 percent upfront on dating sites is a thing. So thereā€™s that. > > Maybe the pictures the other couple sent are really them. Maybe they are open minded swim suit models and it will end up like Penthouse letters. > > Regards, > Shodan Ahh ok, this makes more sense. Well we did ā€œlistā€ ourselves as ā€œfemale looking for femaleā€ but all that did was show us a different set of women (and itā€™s the only real way to find couples). However, we did not misrepresent ourselves in our profile itself. The profile picture was a picture of both of us and our subsequent pics were of us each, individually. And we make it clear what we are looking for (otherwise, weā€™d get a ton of lesbian women wanting my gf). ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/50 "2016-09-04T18:33:50Z")
Just as an aside, i find it interesting how those with positive experiences with ā€œswingingā€, etc seem to be hesitant to post publicly about it. While most of the thread responses are skeptical or doubtful, the PMs Iā€™ve received have been 100% positive (well, 2/2 _is_ 100%, right?;)) ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/51 "2016-09-04T18:39:48Z")
> [@Procrustus](#): > > My advice, based on very positive feedback from my wife: never lose sight or contact (emotional and physical) with your girlfriend. Whatever you and the other woman are doing, include your girlfriend in the experience. We had several very successful and interesting experiences, but the emphasis is on ā€œwe.ā€ This is a couples experience, not an opportunity for sex with someone else. Thatā€™s what worked for us, anyway. Absolutely. I 100% agree with this. Itā€™s why we agreed on no alone time with the other couple (one on one that is). Everything would be happening at the same time, in the same room. ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/52 "2016-09-04T20:08:18Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > Iā€™ve known a lot of people into polyamory. Iā€™ve rarely seen it end well. This. I know of one - _one_ - group that has remained happy and stable over a long run, and theyā€™re all pretty unusual people. I also wouldnā€™t call straight-up swinging ā€œpolyamory.ā€ ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/53 "2016-09-04T20:32:32Z")
1. Be absolutely sure your girlfriend is ok with this and not doing it just to make you happy. I think Iā€™d push a little on the therapist part to be sure sheā€™s talked about it with him/her. 2. Be absolutely sure youā€™ll be ok watching another guy fuck her. Especially #1. As others have said, this would be tricky even with a mentally healthy couple, but she already has issues. For that reason alone I think youā€™re asking too much of her. I do hope whatever happens it turns out well for you. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/54 "2016-09-04T20:47:17Z")
> [@Palestine/Israel - why not do this...](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/palestine-israel-why-not-do-this/101289/13): > > As others have said, this would be tricky even with a mentally healthy couple, but she already has issues. For that reason alone I think youā€™re asking too much of her. > > I do hope whatever happens it turns out well for you. Why is it assumed that this whole thing originated with me? šŸ™‚ ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/55 "2016-09-04T20:49:54Z")
> [@Amateur\_Barbarian](#): > > This. > > \<_snip_\> > > I also wouldnā€™t call straight-up swinging ā€œpolyamory.ā€ Well then what youā€™re agreeing with isnā€™t applicable here, is it? šŸ™‚ ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/56 "2016-09-04T20:56:36Z")
> [@Helena330](#): > > 1. Be absolutely sure your girlfriend is ok with this and not doing it just to make you happy. I think Iā€™d push a little on the therapist part to be sure sheā€™s talked about it with him/her. > > 2. Be absolutely sure youā€™ll be ok watching another guy fuck her. > > \<_snip_\> > > I do hope whatever happens it turns out well for you. Thanks. And I AM ok with it, it actually turns me on. In a weird sort of way. ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/57 "2016-09-04T21:00:04Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Well then what youā€™re agreeing with isnā€™t applicable here, is it? šŸ™‚ Iā€™ve known swinger couples, too. Two were happy because they were as emotionally detached as roommates. The ones who had a fairly strong bond had less happy outcomes. _Bonne chance._ ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/58 "2016-09-04T21:00:24Z")
You said you were wary that the novelty of this is clouding your judgment. Several posters have responded that yes, that is probably the case, and you have argued with every single one of them. So you probably donā€™t actually care what other people think, and have made up your mind to do it. Hopefully that works out for you. Iā€™m all for people broadening their sexual horizons, but there are inevitable consequences and complications that come with that. Iā€™m not really sure what youā€™re looking for here, other than what you want to hear. Sent from my Nexus 5X using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/59 "2016-09-04T21:07:02Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > You said you were wary that the novelty of this is clouding your judgment. Several posters have responded that yes, that is probably the case, and you have argued with every single one of them. So you probably donā€™t actually care what other people think, and have made up your mind to do it. Hopefully that works out for you. Iā€™m all for people broadening their sexual horizons, but there are inevitable consequences and complications that come with that. Iā€™m not really sure what youā€™re looking for here, other than what you want to hear. > > Sent from my Nexus 5X using Tapatalk Haha. Iā€™m not even sure where to start. For one, the advice I requested was from people with _first hand experience_, not just knowing about some other people with it. And honestly, the vast majority of posters in this thread have no personal first hand experience. That has come almost exclusively thru PM. Also, is the only way to show appreciation for advice is to agree with it? If a bunch of people with no experience in the matter tell me that Iā€™m making a mistake, am I supposed to change my POV and agree? šŸ™‚ ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2016, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/60 "2016-09-04T21:08:27Z")
K. Have fun. Sent from my Nexus 5X using Tapatalk [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843.md?page=4)