# Taking the leap into polyamory; advice and experiences appreciated **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 3, 2016, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843 "2016-09-03T01:27:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2016, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/81 "2016-09-05T03:54:03Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > So far, however, the only advice I’ve received from those in the know is to not listen to all the naysayers here. 😉 This is not to say that I haven’t greatly appreciated all the advice and opinions I’ve received in this thread. I have. I’ve simply disagreed. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Not\_a\_Platypus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d26b3c/32.png) [@Not\_a\_Platypus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Not_a_Platypus)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2016, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/82 "2016-09-05T05:04:39Z")
No experience with swinging, but I am in a polyamorous relationship. My advice would be to be completely honest with yourself and your GF, particularly about any concerns and make sure you have a safe word and an agreement that if either if you wants to stop, you stop. This could be either the start of a great new thing you enjoy together, or one of you might find out it’s really not a great idea, and that’s all okay. Adding another person to my relationship was goddamn difficult at first and we learned that even though we had solid communication skills before, we still needed to work on them and not just go along with whatever’s going on for the sake of wanting the other people to be happy. It wouldn’t be sustainable otherwise. It sounds like you two have the important things figured out, so now it should just be a matter of trying it out and checking in regularly to make sure you’re both okay. Have fun and be safe! ---
**Author:** ![DrForrester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8edcca/32.png) [@DrForrester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrForrester)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2016, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/83 "2016-09-05T13:58:33Z")
As someone who has a great deal of experience with people who experiment outside social norms in all sorts of directions, let me just say that I have known exactly one family that was both stable and which contained more than 2 adults for any length of time. Eventually, after some 25 years, the two women left the man. They call it a divorce, although, legally, it was significantly more complex than I like to think about casually. The optimist in me wants to encourage you to grow & explore. It’s what people do. They learn from their experiences. The pragmatist in me wants to say that going into this sort of thing is a great deal like buying a new puppy. You need to understand, the day it first arrives, that it will all end very, very badly. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t get the puppy or that you shouldn’t enjoy each & every day that you have together. But, before you know it, time will have passed and the reaper will be paid. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2016, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/84 "2016-09-05T14:20:59Z")
> [@DrForrester](#): > > As someone who has a great deal of experience with people who experiment outside social norms in all sorts of directions, let me just say that I have known exactly one family that was both stable and which contained more than 2 adults for any length of time. Eventually, after some 25 years, the two women left the man. They call it a divorce, although, legally, it was significantly more complex than I like to think about casually. My best friend’s parents began a polyamorous relationship with another woman. She moved in, and the three of them slept in the same bed. Tensions developed, as tensions do, with the upshot that when my best friend was about ten, her Dad divorced her Mom and married the other woman. He’s still married to her over 20 years later. I’ll leave it to others to decide whether that’s a happy ending. ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2016, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/85 "2016-09-05T14:23:05Z")
> [@Not\_a\_Platypus](#): > > No experience with swinging, but I am in a polyamorous relationship. My advice would be to be completely honest with yourself and your GF, particularly about any concerns and make sure you have a safe word and an agreement that if either if you wants to stop, you stop. Relationships don’t typically need safe words. Swinging and sexual roleplay do. Are you sure which one you’re involved in, here? ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2016, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/86 "2016-09-05T14:26:28Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > I have (to say the least) no experience with this kind of thing, but you did mention that you advertised for “female seeking female” when it was actually a couple, or maybe mostly you. And I seem to remember that people being less than 100 percent upfront on dating sites is a thing. Does Tinder even have a “couples looking for couples” option? If they don’t and from what I see on other media, FsF is the smallest group so the one with less correctly-filed ads to shift through. ---
**Author:** ![DrForrester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8edcca/32.png) [@DrForrester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrForrester)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2016, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/87 "2016-09-05T14:35:29Z")
> [@Spice\_Weasel](#): > > My best friend’s parents began a polyamorous relationship with another woman. She moved in, and the three of them slept in the same bed. Tensions developed, as tensions do, with the upshot that when my best friend was about ten, her Dad divorced her Mom and married the other woman. He’s still married to her over 20 years later. I’ll leave it to others to decide whether that’s a happy ending. There are at least 4 different endings here. One for each of the adults and one for the child. It sounds like at least two of those are happy. But, there are two more that are not mentioned. It’s likely that all 4 people passed through some unhappy times when transitioning from one life to another. Whether that transition was objectively a “good thing” is unclear & a matter of perspective. ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2016, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/88 "2016-09-05T14:40:07Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > This is not to say that I haven’t greatly appreciated all the advice and opinions I’ve received in this thread. I have. I’ve simply disagreed. 🙂 As a high school teacher both wise enough to know and brave enough to (quietly) tell a classroom of boys many years ago put it: “Never forget that a stiff c\*ck has no conscience.” ---
**Author:** ![Not\_a\_Platypus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d26b3c/32.png) [@Not\_a\_Platypus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Not_a_Platypus)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2016, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/89 "2016-09-05T15:58:57Z")
> [@Amateur\_Barbarian](#): > > Relationships don’t typically need safe words. Swinging and sexual roleplay do. Are you sure which one you’re involved in, here? Yes. My advice was for the guy getting into swinging. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2016, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/90 "2016-09-05T16:00:47Z")
Swinging can be fun if the proper precautions are taken, and if everyone is honest going into it. ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2016, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/91 "2016-09-05T16:13:52Z")
> [@Not\_a\_Platypus](#): > > Yes. My advice was for the guy getting into swinging. A quote might have helped target the response, since the OP doesn’t seem to be sure which one he’s dabbling in. ---
**Author:** ![Biffster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biffster/32/339_2.png) [@Biffster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffster)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2016, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/92 "2016-09-05T16:46:17Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > Swinging can be fun if the proper precautions are taken, and if everyone is honest going into it. So to speak. Has the OP considered that the male half of the swinging couple may be the one more into him? Or I suppose that doesn’t really matter. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![DrForrester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8edcca/32.png) [@DrForrester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrForrester)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2016, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/93 "2016-09-05T17:36:22Z")
In all romantic relationships, one must take care that they’re not “exploitative”. Which is to say that nobody is using anyone else. Additionally, there are, broadly, two areas that tend to cause friction: 1. Finances 2. Child rearing Just to illustrate one really small example, let’s say one couple is relatively rich and the other is relatively poor. How do you navigate financial matters? What if the other couple has different child care customs? What are you going to say? How much influence would you expect to have? Just throwing the smallest stone into that pond will cause ripples for decades. It is highly likely that at least one person will surprised by just how different fantasy and reality are. These are why most cultures suggest a period of courtship before marriage. It’s tempting to bypass all of that, wrapped up in a fantasy, but if you do, you need to be prepared for the fall out. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2016, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/94 "2016-09-05T19:06:05Z")
Ambi one thing I can confidently suggest is you change your thread title to ‘swinging’ because ‘polyamory’ seems to be confusing some people about what exactly you’re after. Sent from my Nexus 5X using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2016, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/95 "2016-09-05T20:43:45Z")
I really see no long term benefit from this. I dont see how it will make you a stronger couple or strengthen your relationship. Most likely 10 years from now you will have broken up with this woman and just look back on the experience as part of life. But your an adult and you do what you want. ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2016, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/96 "2016-09-05T20:46:06Z")
> [@DrForrester](#): > > These are why most cultures suggest a period of courtship before marriage. It’s tempting to bypass all of that, wrapped up in a fantasy, but if you do, you need to be prepared for the fall out. The one successful poly relationship I know/of was a couple who added one person at a time to the mix, across years. Probably the only way it can be done successfully, even in an idealized world. It’s tough enough for two people to work out the internal dynamics of a relationship, much less three or more. Each new person would be “courted” long before any commitment was made. Mashing some couples and singles together because they all like the same band is probably not going to be as successful. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2016, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/97 "2016-09-05T23:11:21Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > Most likely 10 years from now you will have broken up with this woman and just look back on the experience as part of your life. You know absolutely nothing about our relationship. All of the sexual exploring we’ve done has brought us closer together. But even if we do break up down the road, I’ll always have the memories. Btw, everything has been set up. Saturday night is when we’re meeting up. The more I know about this couple, the more excited I get. They are very similar to me and my gf, in many ways. ---
**Author:** ![Sarahfeena](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sarahfeena/32/519_2.png) [@Sarahfeena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sarahfeena)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2016, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/98 "2016-09-05T23:31:47Z")
I kind of fail to see the big difference between the threesomes you’ve already been having and this. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2016, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/99 "2016-09-06T00:08:36Z")
> [@Sarahfeena](#): > > I kind of fail to see the big difference between the threesomes you’ve already been having and this. Really? Well the dynamic is totally different. Another penis is present, for one. We’ll basically be doing a “couple swap”. The 3somes have been one other girl and we all took part. This time, she’ll be with another guy without me and vice-versa. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2016, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/100 "2016-09-06T00:14:12Z")
Let me just say, I think the stereotypical way of viewing this sort of thing is that it’s motivated by one or both people in a couple getting bored in the relationship or that one wants it and the other just feels an obligation to take part. This is NOT what’s going on here at all. It’s not because our relationship is lacking or boring in any way; quite the opposite in fact. It’s because our relationship is so good already. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843.md?page=6)