# Taking the leap into polyamory; advice and experiences appreciated **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 3, 2016, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843 "2016-09-03T01:27:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2016, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/141 "2016-09-07T23:17:02Z")
> [@DrForrester](#): > > You, one presumes, are aware of your motives. Or, at least, I hope that you are. If you’re not, phone me immediately.\*\* > > You need to decide for yourselves exactly what this is for the two of you. If it’s a one-time-thing, great. If you’re hoping for a long-term situation, great. But, have some sense of purpose at the start. > > You may get the sense that you are trying to herd cats or that too much talking will get in the way of the fantasy. But, as I said before, the homosexual community does this sort of communication routinely. It can take just a minute or two and it’s absolutely worth it. One nice fellow told me that, “If you’re not comfortable having a 5 minute conversation with someone on a sensitive subject, you certainly don’t want to get naked with him.” We’ve agreed that for now, this is a one time thing. We’ll see how it goes then decide if we want to ever do it again. And we’ve had _lots_ of discussion re this. Communication IS key. And we’ve been doing a good job of that. ---
**Author:** ![bb49](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b38774/32.png) [@bb49](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bb49)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2016, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/142 "2016-09-07T23:25:00Z")
I’m not sure what part of the world you are in, but just maybe, this will be coming to a town near you: > **[Polyamory tips talk swinging into Vancouver | Listed](https://dailyhive.com/vancouver/polyamory-monogamy-vancouver-talk-2016)** > > Ever wondered what it would be like to have an open relationship? Bored of monogamy? Curious about polyamory? Your questions are about to be answered. Just by coincidence, I happened upon this story just after reading your post. I hope it’s informative. And have fun! And screw the naysayers. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2016, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/143 "2016-09-07T23:29:33Z")
> [@bb49](#): > > I’m not sure what part of the world you are in, but just maybe, this will be coming to a town near you: > > [Polyamory tips talk swinging into Vancouver | Listed](http://dailyhive.com/vancouver/polyamory-monogamy-vancouver-talk-2016) > > Just by coincidence, I happened upon this story just after reading your post. I hope it’s informative. And have fun! And screw the naysayers. Very interesting! Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2016, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/144 "2016-09-08T02:57:13Z")
**Ambivalid** : I’ve gotta ask: How much of this thread is based on anything real, and how much is based on nothing but fantasy? Have you ever actually had sex with anyone other than yourself? Is your only knowledge of sex from porn? Do you know the difference between fantasy and reality? ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2016, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/145 "2016-09-08T03:52:07Z")
\< blink \> \< blink blink \> What?? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2016, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/146 "2016-09-08T05:22:53Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > **Ambivalid** : I’ve gotta ask: > > How much of this thread is based on anything real, and how much is based on nothing but fantasy? > Have you ever actually had sex with anyone other than yourself? > Is your only knowledge of sex from porn? > Do you know the difference between fantasy and reality? Dude, I dont know why you have your panties in such a bunch over me but its clear you don’t like me. That’s fine. All I ask is that you refrain from threadshitting in my threads. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2016, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/147 "2016-09-08T05:32:34Z")
> [@faithfool](#): > > \< blink \> > > \< blink blink \> Is that Morse code? Are you being tortured (possibly by being forced to watch a Merchant Ivory film)? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2016, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/148 "2016-09-08T05:40:37Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > **Ambivalid** : I’ve gotta ask: > > How much of this thread is based on anything real, and how much is based on nothing but fantasy? > Have you ever actually had sex with anyone other than yourself? > Is your only knowledge of sex from porn? > Do you know the difference between fantasy and reality? [URL="[Dropbox - File Deleted - Simplify your life](https://www.dropbox.com/s/ce5t86uycd1dl7r/12294916_961653180573208_173593085292) ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2016, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/149 "2016-09-08T05:45:46Z")
Ugh. Messed up the post and got timed out. But that’s us. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2016, 11:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/150 "2016-09-08T11:22:13Z")
Obviously anyone can say anything on the internet, but there’s nothing in **Ambivalid** ’s posts that strikes me as immediately implausible (although I’m curious about the circumstances of the “public sex” thing). There are a lot of non-vanilla people out there. ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2016, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/151 "2016-09-08T13:17:23Z")
I think it was Normal Mailer who got dragged, hung over, into a writer’s group somewhere. When called on to speak, he stood up and said, “How many of you want to be writers?” Every hand went up. “They why the hell aren’t you home writing?” he snapped, and sat back down. Verb. sap. to the OP. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2016, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/152 "2016-09-08T13:26:03Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > **Ambivalid** : I’ve gotta ask: > > How much of this thread is based on anything real, and how much is based on nothing but fantasy? > Have you ever actually had sex with anyone other than yourself? > Is your only knowledge of sex from porn? > Do you know the difference between fantasy and reality? You’re over the line with this, both with threadshitting and personal insults. You’ve made your view clear at this point. Don’t post in this thread again. ---
**Author:** ![DrForrester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8edcca/32.png) [@DrForrester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrForrester)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2016, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/154 "2016-09-08T23:16:48Z")
One last tidbit before Game Day. The great sociologist and mathematician Tom Lehrer once wrote some advice given from a presumed Boy Scout Leader to his Troop: If you’re looking for adventure of a new and different kind And you come across a Girl Scout who is similarly inclined Don’t be nervous, don’t be flustered, don’t be scared. Be Prepared! If the meaning there isn’t immediately obvious, the Main Thrust is roughly the same as: Be Good. If you can’t be good, Be Safe. If you can’t be safe, Name It After Me! ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2016, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/155 "2016-09-08T23:39:06Z")
> [@DrForrester](#): > > One last tidbit before Game Day. The great sociologist and mathematician Tom Lehrer once wrote some advice given from a presumed Boy Scout Leader to his Troop: > > If you’re looking for adventure of a new and different kind > And you come across a Girl Scout who is similarly inclined > Don’t be nervous, don’t be flustered, don’t be scared. > Be Prepared! > > If the meaning there isn’t immediately obvious, the Main Thrust is roughly the same as: > > Be Good. > If you can’t be good, Be Safe. > If you can’t be safe, Name It After Me! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2016, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/156 "2016-09-08T23:43:09Z")
One thing I have been pondering is that despite having no apprehension or jealousy about this, I must consider the possibility of experiencing some unplanned-for feelings when I see my lover and partner having sex with another man. None of her attention would be on me, and that is food for thought. It’s not anything that I think will be problematic, I think I’d like seeing it. But as I’ve had no actual experience in it, my confidence should be tempered. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Arthias](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f19dbf/32.png) [@Dr.Arthias](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Arthias)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2016, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/157 "2016-09-09T00:43:32Z")
I obviously don’t know anything about you or your partner aside from what is written in this thread, so I won’t “advise” you per se, but I will say that I think monogamy in general is toxic, so good for you two for breaking that chain. There is a lot of happiness and satisfaction to be gained from having an open sex life, as long as all parties remain open and honest about their feelings and intentions along the way. Most people start out with setting certain “rules”, which is a good idea, but if you end up going further down this road, you may end up realizing that communication is really the only guide you’ll need. Jealously is a learned emotion, and it’s healthy to unlearn it. It sounds like you are turned on by the idea of seeing your partner have sex with someone else, which is probably one of the clearest signs you could possibly have (on your end) that you’re ready to join the lifestyle. Just make sure that you’re also clear on what your partner’s fantasies are when it comes to group sex or solo dating. Are they similar to yours or completely different? Ask each other questions so that you can both anticipate how the other would react to different situations that may come up in spontaneous moments of drunken passion. I have a lot of personal experience and even worked in a swinger club for a few years. I feel like I’ve tried it all; the good and the bad, so feel free to ask questions if you want. There are always possibilities for relationship problems to arise, whether it’s an open arrangement or not. That being said, however, swinging and polyamory isn’t for everyone, and that’s ok, but imo you’re better off ignoring the advice of anyone who has never tried it. Sent from my A0001 using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2016, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/158 "2016-09-09T01:45:52Z")
I’m glad some people with experience have popped in finally. It’s been an educational thread to read. ---
**Author:** ![scootergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@scootergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scootergirl)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2016, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/159 "2016-09-09T02:46:52Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Let me just say, I think the stereotypical way of viewing this sort of thing is that it’s motivated by one or both people in a couple getting bored in the relationship or that one wants it and the other just feels an obligation to take part. This is NOT what’s going on here at all. It’s not because our relationship is lacking or boring in any way; quite the opposite in fact. It’s because our relationship is so good already. That’s good to hear. You’ve received some solid advice from a few who have experience in this. I’m not one since I have not ever considered it. Let us know how it goes, will ya? Good luck and have fun! ---
**Author:** ![Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eyebrows_0f_doom/32/3119_2.png) [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eyebrows_0f_Doom)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2016, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/160 "2016-09-09T04:16:57Z")
> [@Gyrate](#): > > Obviously anyone can say anything on the internet, but there’s nothing in **Ambivalid** ’s posts that strikes me as immediately implausible (although I’m curious about the circumstances of the “public sex” thing). There are a lot of non-vanilla people out there. I’m more confused at why **panache** , of all people, finds **Ambivalid** ’s story so unbelievable. **panache** , who has posted many times about the thousands (yes, multiple thousands) of men he’s fucked, and about the details of fisting, and all kinds of non-vanilla sex, finds _this_ too much? ---
**Author:** ![bb49](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b38774/32.png) [@bb49](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bb49)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2016, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843/161 "2016-09-09T05:01:19Z")
> [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](#): > > I’m more confused at why **panache** , of all people, finds **Ambivalid** ’s story so unbelievable. **panache** , who has posted many times about the thousands (yes, multiple thousands) of men he’s fucked, and about the details of fisting, and all kinds of non-vanilla sex, finds _this_ too much? I agree fully. A guy posts a simple question here and some people feel it’s their god-given right to rip him apart. Hey, if you don’t like the topic, there’s always the Kardashians to read about. So can we help the guy and his woman? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/taking-the-leap-into-polyamory-advice-and-experiences-appreciated/764843.md?page=9)