# Talk to me about the biggest Fart you ever blew. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 14, 2016, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914 "2016-09-14T05:37:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2016, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914/21 "2016-09-15T12:29:01Z")
> [@Orr\_G](#): > > Colonoscopy. I read this one word and I knew the whole story. However, that was the most masterfully text-rendered blast it has ever been my pleasure to read. I salute you, sir! _toot_ ---
**Author:** ![SigMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@SigMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SigMan)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2016, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914/22 "2016-09-15T14:32:08Z")
When I have one coming and can’t hold it I’ll say to my friends Hey Listen! You hear thunder? They’ll be very quiet and I’ll let it rip. Cracks them up every time. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2016, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914/23 "2016-09-15T15:07:11Z")
I have both a lactose intollerance and react badly to codeine products. I took the kids out for ice cream and when I came home took two codeines for pain from dental work. I blew up like a balloon and passed out from pain. Ambulance took me to the hospital where I came to and let out a fart that seemed to last for at least a full minute. Laying in bed all embarrassed the doctor says I bet your feeling better now. ---
**Author:** ![Duke\_of\_Rat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Duke\_of\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke_of_Rat)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2016, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914/24 "2016-09-15T15:09:19Z")
I’ll cut loose another story. A buddy and I were camping on a little private pond, just the two of us and my dog. We fished, drank beer, cooked on the fire, good ol’ time in general. Then it started to rain late in the evening, but it was time to call it a day, anyway. So we get in the tent, the dog had dug a nest under some trees and bedded down there. With it raining, we had the door zipped down. Sometime in the night I woke up. The beer and grilled meat diet were having an effect on my GI system, and zipped up in my sleeping bag, I let one rip. To say it was odoriferous would be an understatement - it was incredible. For some reason, I got to laughing about it, and that woke my buddy up. He takes a second to calibrate his senses, then asks what his brain must think is a logical question, “Did that dog drag up something dead?” No, I reply, that was A Death Fart. That poor bastard sits bolt upright, coming out of his sleeping bag like it’s on fire. I’m laughing so hard now I can barely breath. Then he tries to get out of the tent, but the door is zipped down. He’s clawing at the tent door like sailors on the wrong side of the watertight door - but the zipper starts at the bottom. He finally gets out, and I’m still laughing so hard I can’t even talk for a couple of minutes. The power of The Death Fart. There’s another chapter to this particular trip - The Puke Off (no, it happened before The Death Fart), I’ll tell it sometime. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Ace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/6bbea6/32.png) [@Johnny\_Ace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Ace)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2016, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914/25 "2016-09-15T17:26:26Z")
It’s difficult to pick one. There have been so many… ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2016, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914/26 "2016-09-15T21:04:19Z")
> [@Orr\_G](#): > > Colonoscopy. > > So, I wake up after the procedure, and I’m given instructions from the nurse about bringing my knees up to my chest to help release the pressure. Apparently they inject air up there as they go, to accommodate the scope. And it all has to come out. I follow the instructions, hugging myself in a near-fetal position, waiting for the inevitable. > > A few minutes later, the doc comes in to share the results of the colonoscopy. In a calm, quiet voice, he says, “Everything went pretty well, but we did find FAWWOOOOMMSSSHHHHPFPFPFPFBERRBEERRRBERRRRPLAPLAPLAPLAPLAGOBBAGOBBAFFFFFFFSSSSSHHHHHOOOOMPABALAPABALAPABALABLBLBLBLBLKKKKKCCCCHHHHSSSSSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHiiiiiieeeeooOOOWOWWWWAMMOMMOMMMOOMMMOMMBLAPBLAPBLAPWUBBALUBBADUBDUBSSSSssssssssssiiiiiiiiiiiiipht. Any questions?” > > Blink. Blink. “phrrrt?” Oh, that brought back a memory! As you say, during a colonoscopy they need to push masses of air up to keep the camera moving up your tube. And it’s kept sealed until the process is over. In my case I felt incredibly bloated until the camera was gently removed - and then I let rip for at least 50 seconds… :eek::smack: ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2016, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914/27 "2016-09-16T00:09:55Z")
I like to think I have a fairly refined sense of humor, yet I’m sitting here crying with laughter at the stories. I like them all, but Orr, g. and their \*“FAWWOOOOMMSSSHHHHPFPFPFPFBERRBEERRRBERRRRPLAPLAPLAPLAPLAGOBBAGOBBAFFFFFFFSSSSSHHHHHOOOOMPABALAPABALAPABALABLBLBLBLBLKKKKKCCCCHHHHSSSSSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHiiiiiieeeeooOOOWOWWWWAMMOMMOMMMOOMMMOMMBLAPBLAPBLAPW UBBALUBBADUBDUBSSSSssssssssssiiiiiiiiiiiiipht. Any questions?” Blink. Blink. “phrrrt?”"\* is the best. It’s that quiet little postscript that had me falling off of my chair. ---
**Author:** ![SigMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@SigMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SigMan)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2016, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914/28 "2016-09-16T00:56:57Z")
> [@Baker](#): > > I like to think I have a fairly refined sense of humor, yet I’m sitting here crying with laughter at the stories. I like them all, but Orr, g. and their \*“FAWWOOOOMMSSSHHHHPFPFPFPFBERRBEERRRBERRRRPLAPLAPLAPLAPLAGOBBAGOBBAFFFFFFFSSSSSHHHHHOOOOMPABALAPABALAPABALABLBLBLBLBLKKKKKCCCCHHHHSSSSSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHiiiiiieeeeooOOOWOWWWWAMMOMMOMMMOOMMMOMMBLAPBLAPBLAPW UBBALUBBADUBDUBSSSSssssssssssiiiiiiiiiiiiipht. Any questions?” > > Blink. Blink. “phrrrt?”"\* > > is the best. It’s that quiet little postscript that had me falling off of my chair. Yeah, that was really funny. I imagined him keeping a straight face. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![OffByOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/45deac/32.png) [@OffByOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OffByOne)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2016, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914/29 "2016-09-16T01:06:40Z")
In the fall of 1969, I developed a case of intestinal flu. Everything I drank caused me to burp, and every time I burped, the smell of a fart came up through my throat. Everything I ate made me nauseous/nauseated (too lazy to look it up), and raced through me like a tsunami. During one bout of diarrhea, I also had a fart. It went on longer than usual, started to die out, then came back, as strong as before. Started to taper off again, before returning once more. At least one more iteration before the fart was finally finished. If I had known it would last that long, I would have timed it, but as it was, I’d guess at least a minute in duration. ---
**Author:** ![Arrendajo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arrendajo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arrendajo)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2016, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914/30 "2016-09-16T01:13:23Z")
Once the day after a big turkey meal I had a steady stream of the most stinking farts ever. They were so bad that my wife actually tracked me all the way through a Big Lots store, up one aisle and down the other, just by the scent, like a hound dog. ---
**Author:** ![capybara](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/capybara/32/202_2.png) [@capybara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/capybara)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2016, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914/31 "2016-09-16T01:50:14Z")
Had dislocated my shoulder, am on the bed thingie at the medical center with a sheet wrapped around my torso, one doctor and an assistant pulling my torso one direction, another pulling my arm in the other direction to try to get traction for it to “reduce”-- you know the drill. Had FINALLY been given a pain-killer/muscle relaxant, but the muscles were still fully tense and knotted, fighting against the traction. “Just, just let your arm relax… let all your muscles relax…” Sigh… KA-POP, joint snaps back in, BRRRAAPPAPAPAPAPPPPPfffweeeeeeee I so did not care. ---
**Author:** ![Spiderman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiderman/32/230_2.png) [@Spiderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiderman)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2016, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914/32 "2016-09-16T02:41:40Z")
Not biggest but best, & not me but my buddy. High school. Math class. He’s sitting in the back of the room & rips a short but loud one. He _immediately_ turns his head towards the kid sitting next to him. Somehow he manages to not look over with the usual natural instinct reaction of embarrassment but he _scowls_ at the kid next to him. How fast does a room full of teenagers turn towards the sound of a fart? What do they see? They see my buddy glaring at the kid next to him. The kid next to him sees all eyes on him & does the, “It wasn’t me, it was him” bit. Uh-huh. Sure. Right. That’s why we _all_ saw him glaring at you instead of looking embarrassed ¼ of a nanosecond after it happened. Go ahead & try & do this. Like sneezing with your eyes open, it’s impossible to overcome that natural instinct but somehow that day he did it & was able to pass the blame onto the unsuspecting schmo sitting next to him! ---
**Author:** ![Patch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a183cd/32.png) [@Patch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patch)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2016, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914/33 "2016-09-16T05:00:26Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > Our duty truck to go on liberty was a weapons carrier, much like [this one](http://www.robertsarmory.com/wc51.jpg). Canvas cover on the back, and a zippered plastic window between the back and the cab, which was open. There were five of us in the back and two in the front. I let this absolute corker out and within five seconds the driver slammed on the brakes and the truck emptied. I admit that even I had to evacuate. Sounds like you already had! ---
**Author:** ![Orr\_G](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ee59a6/32.png) [@Orr\_G](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orr_G)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2016, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914/34 "2016-09-16T17:28:13Z")
I have another fart story. Not the biggest, nor the best, but it was the funniest, to me. Actually, it’s only funny because it was funny. Let me explain. I was out for a walk one evening, by myself, in our sleepy sub-suburban town. Crickets chirping, a slight breeze rustling the leaves in the trees overhead now and again. You could hear the whirring of the spokes of a kid’s bike as he crossed the street half a block up. I feel the familiar pressure, and I take it in stride. Literally. In between footsteps, I force out a short, sharp BLAP of sound, knowing that, since I was alone, no one would be the wiser. I happened to be passing a house that had a sort of U-shaped configuration. The BLAP echoed back to me, much louder than I thought it would be. Which made me utter a surprised little guffaw. And then I realized that it was a warm evening, and I could see that all of the houses on this block had most of their windows open. Which meant everyone could hear my fart. The guffaw turned into a full-throated chuckle. The next realization hit like a wave - everyone had not only heard my fart: they had heard my fart followed by laughter. What a doofus! I burst out in a rolling belly laugh by this point, each wave of laughter followed by another wave of self-conscious realization. Pretty soon I was in tears, thinking of how everyone’s quiet evening was being disturbed by some lone weirdo, a full-grown man, giggling and snorting endlessly at his own fart, all by himself. ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2016, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914/35 "2016-09-16T18:00:11Z")
My biggest fart ever was artificial. I cheated, I suppose. One morning I inflated my colon with a bicycle pump to about as full as I could stand it, then nonchalantly wandered out into the living room to watch TV with my roommates. After a few minutes, I released the kraken. Borrowing a quote from upthread, it was something like this: > [@Orr](#): > > FAWWOOOOMMSSSHHHHPFPFPFPFBERRBEERRRBERRRRPLAPLAPLAPLAPLAGOBBAGOBBAFFFFFFFSSSSSHHHHHOOOOMPABALAPABALA PABALABLBLBLBLBLKKKKKCCCCHHHHSSSSSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHiiiiiieeeeooOOOWOWWWWAMMOMMOMMMOOMMMOMMBLAPBLAPBLAPW UBBALUBBADUBDUBSSSSssssssssssiiiiiiiiiiiiipht. We were all college students at the time, so none of us had any direct experience with colonoscopies, and had never before witnessed a fart involving one’s entire colon. My roommates were in an unparalleled state of awe; I never confessed my trick to them. And now, a tale of an epic fart thwarted: A friend of mine is a veteran of the 1991 Persian Gulf war. There was real concern at the time about the Iraqi military possibly deploying chemical weapons, so every now and then US forces were ordered to put on their [NBC suits.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NBC_suit) My friend told of one such occasion when he and his fellow soldiers were all suited up, and one of them - a particular fellow with a reputation for gigantic, evil farts - farted in his suit. They were all quite pleased to learn that the suits really worked - nobody smelled a damn thing. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2016, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914/36 "2016-09-17T05:52:06Z")
On a trip back to the States, I had a head cold and could not smell anything. Waiting for my luggage at the carrousel and had to let go a little one. Silent, thank god, I though. Jet lagged, I was too tired and sick to notice but people immediately started to evacuate the area around me. I did have a vague thought that it was strange no one else was right by where the suitcases would come out, but some days are lucky, right? I would have been clueless to this day except that as I was leaving someone thoughtfully asked his friend if he had gone over to where it had stank. And he said this in an extra loud voice while staring at me. But I was too sick and tired to worry about public shaming by people who would never see me again, even if they remembered the smell. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2016, 11:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914/37 "2016-09-17T11:34:51Z")
I’ve heard stories that lighted farts don’t smell as bad as unlighted ones. Is the gassy odor burned off? ---
**Author:** ![GrumpyBunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bc8723/32.png) [@GrumpyBunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrumpyBunny)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2016, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914/38 "2016-09-17T13:27:44Z")
> [@Orr\_G](#): > > Colonoscopy. > > So, I wake up after the procedure, and I’m given instructions from the nurse about bringing my knees up to my chest to help release the pressure. Apparently they inject air up there as they go, to accommodate the scope. And it all has to come out. I follow the instructions, hugging myself in a near-fetal position, waiting for the inevitable. > > A few minutes later, the doc comes in to share the results of the colonoscopy. In a calm, quiet voice, he says, “Everything went pretty well, but we did find FAWWOOOOMMSSSHHHHPFPFPFPFBERRBEERRRBERRRRPLAPLAPLAPLAPLAGOBBAGOBBAFFFFFFFSSSSSHHHHHOOOOMPABALAPABALAPABALABLBLBLBLBLKKKKKCCCCHHHHSSSSSHSHSHSHSHSHHHHiiiiiieeeeooOOOWOWWWWAMMOMMOMMMOOMMMOMMBLAPBLAPBLAPWUBBALUBBADUBDUBSSSSssssssssssiiiiiiiiiiiiipht. Any questions?” > > Blink. Blink. “phrrrt?” Epic. I woke up and the nurse was yelling at another patient, “You have to fart! You won’t feel better until you fart!” That made me giggle madly, which had the effect of making me fart, which was a bit unexpected since I’d had an UPPER GI -oscopy, not a colonoscopy. Seems that with an upper GI they go waaaay the fuck down to the upper part of the lower GI. “phrrt?”, indeed. ---
**Author:** ![SigMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@SigMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SigMan)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2016, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914/39 "2016-09-17T14:37:17Z")
> [@Machine\_Elf](#): > > One morning I inflated my colon with a bicycle pump to about as full as I could stand it You owe me a keyboard. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2016, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914/40 "2016-09-17T19:38:55Z")
Lamaze birthing class, nearly 3 decades ago. Expectant parents, maybe a dozen couples, were sitting on the floor in a circle. The instructor, at the center of the circle, was demonstrating different birthing positions. The room was quiet, paying attention to her instructions. She lays on her back, grabs her knees and pulls them to her chest. As she does this she releases a very smart, distinct fart. She ripped it right as she jerked her knees forward as if pulling a trigger. She did not acknowledge it. Everyone heard it. No one said a word. No one glanced at each other. I’ll never forget that moment. mmm [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talk-to-me-about-the-biggest-fart-you-ever-blew/765914.md?page=3)