# Talking about your marriage issues with a good friend will just make things worse **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 13, 2011, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-about-your-marriage-issues-with-a-good-friend-will-just-make-things-worse/606001 "2011-12-13T05:32:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 5\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2012, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-about-your-marriage-issues-with-a-good-friend-will-just-make-things-worse/606001/21 "2012-07-09T17:37:00Z")
> [@BeaMyra](#): > > I am in H/R and half the complaints I hear, are really nothing more than personality conflicts… The best boss I ever had had a sixth sense about this kind of thing–she nipped potential problems in the bud like magic. One time she came back from a week long vacation–during which there had been some rather intense interpersonal conflict–and scheduled a crew meeting right after lunch. When she had everyone in the conference room she said, “I don’t know what went on when I was gone, but we need to clear the air right now.” Within 10 minutes or so everyone had their chance to speak their peace and the boss acknowledged and addressed the issues calmly and fairly. When the meeting was over we were all relieved and happy that our boss cared enough to notice that there was something wrong and actually do something about it. ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2012, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-about-your-marriage-issues-with-a-good-friend-will-just-make-things-worse/606001/22 "2012-07-09T17:55:53Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > I disagree. A good friend challenges your assumptions about the situation. A good friend points out when you are being unfair, or applying a double standard. A good friend tells you frankly when you are the asshole in the situation. > > The other type isn’t a good friend, just a “yes-man.” Came in here to say this. A professional counselor is duty-bound to be objective and honest, but that same objectivity/honesty _can_ be found in good friends. I don’t want friends who just “back me up” whether I’m right or wrong, I want friends who can look objectively at a situation and offer an honest opinion from their perspective. Those kinds of friends are invaluable when it comes to keeping your own marriage (or other relationships) on an even keel. Example: My wife recently got her US citizenship, and as a result she no longer has to carry her green card with her; in fact, they confiscated it at the naturalization ceremony). She later expressed some trepidation about being out in public with no document to prove that she has a right to be here. I tried to explain that this is the beauty of this country: that the authorities have to prove you don’t have a right to be here before they can take any action against you. Heck, _I_ a natural-born citizen, and I don’t carry proof of citizenship around with me either (“but you _look_ American!”). She was unmoved. A few days later I had lunch with a good friend and expressed my frustration as I told him about this conversation with my wife - and he was sympathetic to her perspective. It made me reassess my own opinions about the whole thing, much as I would have if a counselor had said the same thing. It was a good discussion. I don’t particularly talk to friends to “feel better” about my marital issues, as the OP’s quote suggests; I talk to them to gain the benefit of an objective outsider. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2012, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-about-your-marriage-issues-with-a-good-friend-will-just-make-things-worse/606001/23 "2012-07-09T18:16:54Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > I disagree. A good friend challenges your assumptions about the situation. A good friend points out when you are being unfair, or applying a double standard. A good friend tells you frankly when you are the asshole in the situation. > > The other type isn’t a good friend, just a “yes-man.” > > I suppose for the sort of shallow people that read and care about such articles, probably all they have is “yes-men” and no real friends in this world. In which case the statement is true for them. Then you get in trouble and they don’t talk to you for six years (true story). But I too agree you shouldn’t ever badmouth your spouse to your friends. Your friends - it’s human nature - inevitably remember bad things better than good things. I do, and my coworkers badmouth their husbands a lot. I don’t remember the kind good things they do, partly because they don’t talk about them as much. But I do remember the not so good things you do. ---
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2012, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-about-your-marriage-issues-with-a-good-friend-will-just-make-things-worse/606001/24 "2012-07-09T18:23:48Z")
> [@grude](#): > > I suppose degrees matter, and whether you are looking for validation or not. Sometimes you’re just venting, she knows I hate dumplngs and she made them twice this week etc. Yeah, there’s a difference between “He won’t put his socks in the hamper” & “I think he’s having an affair.” ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [July 9, 2012, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-about-your-marriage-issues-with-a-good-friend-will-just-make-things-worse/606001/25 "2012-07-09T18:43:20Z")
> [@amyfullcircle](#): > > So what if your spouse doesn’t want to go to counseling? Or what if they act one way at counseling and another way at home? What if they are dominating and you feel that you cannot stand up for yourself and words get twisted and you always turn out to be the one at fault? If you are deep into a dysfunctional relationship and you can only go to counseling 1 or 2 times a month what do you do in between times? I don’t feel I can communicate with my spouse, he is not willing to look at himself. It’s always if I would change he wouldn’t get mad. Amy, since you revived this 7 month old thread, let me try and address your comments first. If you have discovered that your spouse isn’t the person you originally thought they were, and their true self is not someone you can see yourself with in a long term relationship, then you should consider leaving that relationship. Counseling is a place where you both try to work on your problems. If either of you is going to counseling to get the other person to change, and neither is even willing, then counseling is doomed. > [@SweetiePotato](#): > > A good friend won’t hold it against your spouse. There are exceptions, but if you always complain to your good friend, or as usually is the case, your mother, about your spouse, then your friend or your mother as the case may be, will grow to not like your spouse. Even if you have somehow forgiven your spouse or gotten over it. Why? Because your friend or mother loves you and doesn’t like seeing you hurt. Their opinion of your spouse, is forever clouded…because they don’t love your spouse like you do. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-about-your-marriage-issues-with-a-good-friend-will-just-make-things-worse/606001.md?page=1)