The best boss I ever had had a sixth sense about this kind of thing–she nipped potential problems in the bud like magic. One time she came back from a week long vacation–during which there had been some rather intense interpersonal conflict–and scheduled a crew meeting right after lunch. When she had everyone in the conference room she said, “I don’t know what went on when I was gone, but we need to clear the air right now.” Within 10 minutes or so everyone had their chance to speak their peace and the boss acknowledged and addressed the issues calmly and fairly. When the meeting was over we were all relieved and happy that our boss cared enough to notice that there was something wrong and actually do something about it.
Came in here to say this. A professional counselor is duty-bound to be objective and honest, but that same objectivity/honesty can be found in good friends. I don’t want friends who just “back me up” whether I’m right or wrong, I want friends who can look objectively at a situation and offer an honest opinion from their perspective. Those kinds of friends are invaluable when it comes to keeping your own marriage (or other relationships) on an even keel.
Example:
My wife recently got her US citizenship, and as a result she no longer has to carry her green card with her; in fact, they confiscated it at the naturalization ceremony). She later expressed some trepidation about being out in public with no document to prove that she has a right to be here. I tried to explain that this is the beauty of this country: that the authorities have to prove you don’t have a right to be here before they can take any action against you. Heck, I a natural-born citizen, and I don’t carry proof of citizenship around with me either (“but you look American!”). She was unmoved. A few days later I had lunch with a good friend and expressed my frustration as I told him about this conversation with my wife - and he was sympathetic to her perspective. It made me reassess my own opinions about the whole thing, much as I would have if a counselor had said the same thing. It was a good discussion.
I don’t particularly talk to friends to “feel better” about my marital issues, as the OP’s quote suggests; I talk to them to gain the benefit of an objective outsider.
Then you get in trouble and they don’t talk to you for six years (true story).
But I too agree you shouldn’t ever badmouth your spouse to your friends. Your friends - it’s human nature - inevitably remember bad things better than good things. I do, and my coworkers badmouth their husbands a lot. I don’t remember the kind good things they do, partly because they don’t talk about them as much. But I do remember the not so good things you do.
Yeah, there’s a difference between “He won’t put his socks in the hamper” & “I think he’s having an affair.”
Amy, since you revived this 7 month old thread, let me try and address your comments first.
If you have discovered that your spouse isn’t the person you originally thought they were, and their true self is not someone you can see yourself with in a long term relationship, then you should consider leaving that relationship. Counseling is a place where you both try to work on your problems. If either of you is going to counseling to get the other person to change, and neither is even willing, then counseling is doomed.
There are exceptions, but if you always complain to your good friend, or as usually is the case, your mother, about your spouse, then your friend or your mother as the case may be, will grow to not like your spouse. Even if you have somehow forgiven your spouse or gotten over it. Why? Because your friend or mother loves you and doesn’t like seeing you hurt. Their opinion of your spouse, is forever clouded…because they don’t love your spouse like you do.