# Talking cats
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [March 25, 2025, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071 "2025-03-25T04:46:46Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2025, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071/1 "2025-03-25T04:46:46Z")
Suppose someone developed a cat collar that could translate 4 or 5 cat thoughts into English. Besides “Feed me NOW” and “Don’t bother me!” what other phrases would your cat most want you to understand.
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### Author:  [@Darren\_Garrison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darren_Garrison)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2025, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071/2 "2025-03-25T05:01:41Z")
The temperature is very slightly below optimum. Hold still and keep my feet warm.
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### Author:  [@Whack-a-Mole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whack-a-Mole)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2025, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071/3 "2025-03-25T05:16:54Z")
My food dish is half-empty.
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### Author:  [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2025, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071/4 "2025-03-25T05:57:23Z")
“Why you cluttering up my house” is what mine would say.
I pretend they are thinking “I love my beck”
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### Author:  [@Si\_Amigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Si_Amigo)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2025, 9:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071/5 "2025-03-25T09:32:56Z")
Clean my damn litter box or see what happens.
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### Author:  [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2025, 9:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071/6 "2025-03-25T09:37:50Z")
Hate. Something about hate, but there is no human translation sufficiently intense.
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### Author:  [@X.L.Lent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/X.L.Lent)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2025, 9:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071/7 "2025-03-25T09:59:48Z")
“I’m going to puke!”
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### Author:  [@Tibby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tibby)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2025, 10:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071/8 "2025-03-25T10:05:01Z")
_Listen up, pal—this is my turf, and you’re only here for my amusement. Don’t go pushing your luck, or things might get a whole lot less amusing._
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### Author:  [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2025, 10:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071/9 "2025-03-25T10:47:23Z")
“Open the damn door! Right now!”
“Hey, bird. Bird! Fuck you, bird!”
“I need food. I haven’t had food in ages - in fact, there is no evidence that anyone has ever fed me _at all._ I am a very small, sad and hungry cat. Feed me!”
“Gimme hugs and cuddles! I will die right now if you don’t give me hugs and cuddles!”
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### Author:  [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2025, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071/10 "2025-03-25T21:00:31Z")
When you die, all this will be mine.
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### Author:  [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2025, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071/11 "2025-03-25T21:19:15Z")
You can get buttons to teach your cat to talk to you on them.
I have them for my dog. (Do NOT recommend, unless you have buckets of patience)
The cats are interested enough to look and sniff around but they never tried to push a button.
Thank the stars.
I’d hate to know what they’d really say.
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### Author:  [@WOOKINPANUBv.2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUBv.2)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2025, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071/12 "2025-03-25T21:23:32Z")
“You cannot sing. Or dance. Give it up, untalented hoomin”
“How can you walk around with no coat, pink creature?”
" What, are we in a Depression? Fill that bowl all the way!"
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### Author:  [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2025, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071/13 "2025-03-25T21:31:05Z")
Pay attention to me and cuddle me until I bite you
You’re not doing too badly, for a grossly incompetent cat. But I’m still appalled that you’ve never caught a mouse.
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### Author:  [@gkster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gkster)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2025, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071/14 "2025-03-25T21:31:49Z")
“Open the door! I want to go out / come in/ go out again/ come in again!”
“I want treats! Not regular food, the special treats!”
“Uugghh, gonna puke!”
My cat has different vocalizations for each of these, a meow for the first, a sharp chirp, almost like a bark, for the second, and a wail that sounds almost human for the 3rd.
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### Author:  [@ParallelLines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParallelLines)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2025, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071/15 "2025-03-25T21:47:07Z")
Many good ones, I’ll add a few.
“Pay attention to me! No, not YOU, the other pink one, you’re only _barely_ acceptable if no one else is around.”
“Just so you know, the other pink one never feeds me, EVER, and they also beat me when you’re not here.”
"There is no evidence I was the one who knocked over the flowers/food container/the other cats food dish/the pillows/the mail/etc. "
“You are NOT ALLOWED to watch me cuddle -my- pink thing, other pink thing! S/he’s MINE!”
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### Author:  [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2025, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071/16 "2025-03-25T21:57:50Z")
Bear my male Siamese does a good imitation of “No” in English. I swear sometimes it sounds like a nasty “F” bomb precedes it. Just under his shrimpy cat food breath.
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### Author:  [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)
#### Post date: [March 25, 2025, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071/17 "2025-03-25T22:05:37Z")
“Yes, pet me, I love it, that feels amazing, OMG, STOP NOW, I HATE IT NOW, FUCK OFF OR I’LL BITE YOU!”
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### Author:  [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2025, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071/18 "2025-03-26T00:33:37Z")
Why are you always walking just where I want to be?
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### Author:  [@markn\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/markn_1)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2025, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071/19 "2025-03-26T02:38:01Z")
I wonder what you taste like.
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### Author:  [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)
#### Post date: [March 26, 2025, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/talking-cats/1016071/20 "2025-03-26T03:13:06Z")
_Quit being so familiar. No, there’s no remote under me. At. All._