# Tattling on an old sex offender. What to do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 28, 2010, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652 "2010-12-28T22:24:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652/61 "2010-12-30T02:08:56Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > I did not witness my sexual abuse, _it happened to me_. There is no analogy… That’s ridiculous. Of course you witnessed it. You are the only witness to it. What you say or don’t say about it is another issue altogether. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652/62 "2010-12-30T02:14:08Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > I did not witness my sexual abuse, _it happened to me_. There is no analogy. But you know this danger still exists to other people. The “drunk driver” is still on the road. He didn’t stop with you. Being a victim doesn’t absolve you of any responsibility to warn others about an ongoing danger. ---
**Author:** ![Walmarticus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Walmarticus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walmarticus)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652/63 "2010-12-30T02:26:53Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > You don’t think you have any responsibility to warn others? It’s probably more like she doesn’t have a responsibility to put herself in jeopardy to help someone else. I don’t know what kind of jeopardy there is in warning this girl “hey, dude’s a perv”. Having never been molested, I’d imagine it would be pretty minimal, but if the OP feels super-squicky then she is entitled to let it be. I’m a _save yourself_ kind of guy anyway. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652/64 "2010-12-30T04:41:46Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > It’s the victim’s responsibility to report the predators. If they don’t, then they are accessories to subsequent crimes. It doesn’t matter what the victim feels “capable” of. It isn’t just about them. There’s no excuse for protecting a sexual predator, and it’s not “ok” to let them go unreported. This is an attitude that needs to change. This is wrong. A victim that doesn’t report something is not an accessory. Don’t be putting nonsense like this out there. You know better than that. The OP has a horrible burden and must deal with it herself. She isn’t responsible for anybody else’s good, or for protecting the world or even making them happy. Or even trying to make them happy. Life ain’t fair, and it isn’t up to her to make it so. Best wishes, hh ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652/65 "2010-12-30T04:54:18Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Be prepared for him to tell her you’re a liar, though. She might get in on it, too. Love (or whatever) can blind you and make you do the crazy. She may be extra vicious with emails, phone calls or in person if she already suspected something. I can understand the OP’s hesitancy and desire to continue getting the best revenge through good living. Maybe an anonymous letter? If the guy swears he’s innocent to his girlfriend, well, he wouldn’t know who to suspect, now would he? ---
**Author:** ![Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eyebrows_0f_doom/32/3119_2.png) [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eyebrows_0f_Doom)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652/66 "2010-12-30T06:46:58Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Don’t start. You don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s entirely up to the victim to decide to prosecute. You don’t know what it’s like to be her, what problems it could cause for her, or whether it’s right for HER to do this. Please stop with your absolutes and your MUSTS. IIRC, \*\*Dio \*\*has mentioned in a previous thread that he was the victim of molestation when he was a child. That probably has contributed to why he always views everything regarding children/and or sex as absolutes. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 7:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652/67 "2010-12-30T07:00:13Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > This is wrong. A victim that doesn’t report something is not an accessory. > Don’t be putting nonsense like this out there. You know better than that. > > The OP has a horrible burden and must deal with it herself. She isn’t responsible for anybody else’s good, or for protecting the world or even making them happy. Or even trying to make them happy. Life ain’t fair, and it isn’t up to her to make it so. > > Best wishes, > hh See, if you hadn’t said that, I could have disagreed with Dio. But now I can’t. I hate this type of thinking. There is a responsibility from living in a society to prevent harm to other people to the best of your ability. It’s part of the social contract. The only reason there is an exception for victims is that it may be psychologically impossible for them to deal with the situation. And no one but **rachelellogram** can decide whether this is the case here. I personally cannot fathom not reporting rape, as part of my psychological trauma would be the guilt of knowing I could have stopped someone else from getting raped, and I didn’t. And, honestly, I’d be so angry that, if I didn’t do something legally, I’d want to do something illegally. ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652/68 "2010-12-30T12:24:28Z")
Another vote for Hell yes, tell. And while I understand both sides of the controversy with Dio, I edge on his side. If someone is able emotionally & psychologically to report it, I do believe they have a moral obligation to. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652/69 "2010-12-30T12:59:21Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > See, if you hadn’t said that, I could have disagreed with Dio. But now I can’t. I hate this type of thinking. There is a responsibility from living in a society to prevent harm to other people to the best of your ability. It’s part of the social contract. > > The only reason there is an exception for victims is that it may be psychologically impossible for them to deal with the situation. And no one but **rachelellogram** can decide whether this is the case here. > > I personally cannot fathom not reporting rape, as part of my psychological trauma would be the guilt of knowing I could have stopped someone else from getting raped, and I didn’t. And, honestly, I’d be so angry that, if I didn’t do something legally, I’d want to do something illegally. There are, basically, two parts of my post, so, feel free to disagree with Dio where he was wrong, which he was, and to agree with him where he was right. 1. The OP isn’t an accessory. (Disagree with Dio right here!:D) 2. What to do? That’s up to the OP. (You can agree/disagree as you are led. Your call, since this is IMHO.) I, personally, would castrate the little punk, and not even think twice about it. But, that doesn’t mean that anybody is an accessory, as Dio said. Is it part of the social contract? Your interpretation of the social contract differs from mine. I’m sure that there are as many variant interpretations as there are people. So, do what you feel is right, and the OP shall do the same. And, we can ALL disagree with Dio! 😃 Best wishes, hh ---
**Author:** ![Fotheringay-Phipps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d9b06d/32.png) [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652/70 "2010-12-30T14:29:12Z")
People seem to be just assuming that the OP reporting to her father’s GF what he did to her as a kid will somehow prevent him from abusing other people. This assumption is somewhat questionable, IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![Dunkelheit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dunkelheit/32/248_2.png) [@Dunkelheit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dunkelheit)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652/71 "2010-12-30T15:17:40Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > The statute of limitations on filing charges tolled a long time ago, so I’m not looking to do that. I’m not certain that’s the case, though it depends on your jurisdiction. In Canada, I know a woman who brought charges against a man for molesting her something like 20 years after the fact. I’ve heard that the statute clock doesn’t start ticking until the victim reaches an age at which they might reasonably be expected to make such charges, such as the age of majority. So it might still be within the statute of limitations, though of course that still doesn’t necessarily mean you would want to open that can of worms. ---
**Author:** ![banjoDavid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3d9bf3/32.png) [@banjoDavid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/banjoDavid)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652/72 "2010-12-30T16:08:34Z")
I’m going to be more self revealing than I have been before on the SDMB. I was molested by my Uncle Frank when I was a kid, beginning maybe at age 4 and continuing until 12, I don’t remember many details, BUT I KNOW IT HAPPENED. I struggled with eating disorders, anti-social behavior, and school issues that were repercussions of Frank and his nastiness. I started seeing therapists at an early age, but NONE of them asked about this kind of abuse. In therapy and 12 step meetings as an adult, I looked at it. 22 years ago, I confronted Frank over the phone. I told him I remembered, I had told some people, and I might tell EVERYONE. I went on a Geraldo show talking about men with eating disorders and sexual abuse survival. About 17 years ago, I sent letters to all the members of my family I could reach, and outed Frank and his abuse. I got support from 2 cousins, and 2 aunts, and 1 uncle. Silence from the rest. I had told my parents earlier, and they were devastated. They didn’t know, and the knowledge that they didn’t protect me hurt them terribly. 6 years ago, I went to Frank’s funeral. 2 of his sons-in laws THANKED me for showing up. Most everybody was silent to me. I was told that they had kept the kids away after I sent the letters. THAT MADE ME FEEL THE BEST. What I did protected others. Do what you will. Love David ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652/73 "2010-12-30T16:11:15Z")
You’ve had to live with what he did to you and it wasn’t your fault. Why shouldn’t he have to live with people knowing it? As others have said, he will deny it and there will be people who won’t believe it but at least you’ve told the truth and people can form their opinions accordingly ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652/74 "2010-12-30T16:30:05Z")
David, thank you for your courage in writing that post. Peace be with you. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652/75 "2010-12-30T19:42:24Z")
[Graham James](http://www.vancouversun.com/news/Disgraced+hockey+coach+Graham+James+arrested+charges/3736682/story.html) was arrested on molestation charges from more than 40 years ago, so perhaps the police may be able to do something. At any rate, the girlfriend really needs to be told. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652/76 "2010-12-30T21:30:56Z")
> [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](#): > > IIRC, \*\*Dio \*\*has mentioned in a previous thread that he was the victim of molestation when he was a child. That probably has contributed to why he always views everything regarding children/and or sex as absolutes. It’s also clear from his posts about it, and I think most of us agree with his sentiment on predators. But he’s not the **only** victim and he doesn’t get to decide FOR other victims what their responsibility is. Yes, in an ideal world victims would turn in the molester always. But the fact that it isn’t always possible doesn’t mean that that victim is then somehow not being responsible or something. \*\*Dio \*\*, you yourself stated “prepare for him to call you a liar”. There are other things that can stop a person from being able to turn someone in, it doesn’t make the victim bad or evil that they don’t. You say “but I’m not calling them bad or evil”. But you are by being so combative and insistent that “it’s their responsibility, it’s the law, etc”. The inverse of that is of course, they’re irresponsible, not law-abiding and so on. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652/77 "2010-12-30T21:40:39Z")
I’m really sorry for what you went through. And yes, I would tell her. Even if she convinces herself that you’re lying or mistaken or whatever, it’s one more nail in that coffin (and there are surely others, or will be). Eventually, she’ll probably admit to herself what is going on. And if you know of any kids around him, I’d notify the authorities. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652/78 "2010-12-30T22:58:21Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Slander is typically very hard to prove. He would have to show material damages, No, unless you’re in one of (I think) three states, this kind of accusation is _per se_ defamatory. No damages need be proven. > [@](#): > > prove you lied (the truth is a perfect defense), and show that you lied maliciously. I think the malicious element exists only for defamation against public figures. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652/79 "2010-12-30T23:43:53Z")
It would take a pretty gutsy child molester to sue their daughter for slander over a phone call to their current wife. Because a defense against slander is the truth, to win the case the child molester would have to prove to a preponderance of the evidence that the statement was false. Which would be hard to do, since it is, you know, true. Even if the perpetrator could win the slander case, he’d still lose. Because who wants to have people saying, “Did you hear about Bob? Yeah, he sued his daughter when she accused him of raping her.” Whether he wins or loses he’s still going to be stigmatized in public. And since his other course of action–telling his wife it’s a lie and leaving it at that–keeps everything private, he’s got absolutely no incentive to take steps to bring it to the public. So who knows what the crazy old bastard will do, but he’d be an idiot to try to sue. Note that I’m not a lawyer, just an Internet Know-It-All. ---
**Author:** ![ENugent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4af34b/32.png) [@ENugent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ENugent)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2010, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652/80 "2010-12-30T23:58:02Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > I’m not sure why my motivation is relevant. Either you think it’s an important thing to mention or you don’t. Which is it? > > I’m a very inertial (read:lazy) person, and would prefer to do nothing unless compelled otherwise. If that answers your question? If I were compelled to exact revenge, there are an enormous host of more effective ways to go about that. To put it plainly, I’m not seeking revenge. Which you would already know if you read post# 9. Well, it’s relevant to whether it’s constructive or “tattling”. The question I ask my six-year-old when that distinction comes up is, “Are you telling me this to get someone into trouble or someone out of trouble?” Former is tattling, latter is not. I think the question is equally relevant here, [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tattling-on-an-old-sex-offender-what-to-do/565652.md?page=5)