# Teenage girl, IRL meeting with internet "love". **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 2, 2009, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063 "2009-08-02T15:26:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 15
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2009, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/282 "2009-08-24T02:30:30Z")
[quote=“1920s Style “Death Ray”, post:281, topic:505063”] You seem to be taking on more of a parenting role to the granddaughter when ideally you’d be providing advice to the parents, I realise life is not ideal though. [/QUOTE] Fair enough question. The girl is my step-son’s step-daughter. Her mom was about five months pregnant with her when she met my step-son and they were married when the girl was about three months old. Her biological father is unknown to us. My step-son and his wife have two other kids, 12 and 9, and have been separated for about three years now. For whatever reason, as soon as this 17 year-old was old enough to crawl around the floor she’s always crawled to me for whatever she needed. The years have changed nothing, Grandpa is where she always looks first. Now she’s on the edge of making some poor decisions, or at least going about things in an unfortunate way. I guess I’ll once again pick her up and brush her off if she falls. She, the boy, her brother and sister all spent the day here messing around with fun stuff. I told them that since they seem to be at Mom’s mercy they should go spend some time and butter Mom up a bit, but that didn’t sink in. Maybe it will later. Anyway, the boy is ok. I just wish they were talking about dating, not moving in together several hundred miles away. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2009, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/283 "2009-08-24T03:39:30Z")
The fact that she has to be 19 is bizarre. Kids are more resilient than we are, but I can’t imagine leaving everything and everyone, traveling hundreds of miles away, etc. I know **pepperland** girl did and maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I think she didn’t like where she was at all, so moving was an escape. It’s a common phenomenon, I think, that everything’s all rosy at the onset of a relationship. As time passes, we come down to reality, which may be to a good situation or a bad one. It seems quite possible that she’ll put all her needs on him, not having friends of her own there, and he’ll feel put upon. I think a similar thing is likely to happen if he moved to your neck of the woods, though. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2009, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/284 "2009-08-24T14:56:29Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > IANAL and YMMV but if two people sign a year rental agreement for an apartment and one bails out (or simply can’t pay), chances are that per the agreement they’re each still responsible for the rent. I can confirm from personal experience that this is definitely the case in my city. I once had a roommate disappear and the other roommate and I were responsible for picking up his slack. AFAIK it is possible to have a rental agreement where each person on the lease is only responsible for their own portion, but most apartment buildings won’t do it that way. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2009, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/285 "2009-08-24T17:08:08Z")
> [@Telcontar](#): > > I think this underlines a common parenting problem. Rather then give children independence slowly and let them learn good judgment, a lot of parents instead try to “protect” their kids up until the last possible moment (often when they leave for college). Then the kid is both out of the parents’ power and also entirely unused to being responsible for themselves. Worst of both worlds. Good point in general. Maybe it’s because school is about to let back in, but you can always tell which college kids weren’t allowed a sip of alcohol or friends of the opposite sex in high school – they’re the ones getting alcohol poisoning and having bad, unprotected sex. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2009, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/286 "2009-08-24T21:04:37Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > I can confirm from personal experience that this is definitely the case in my city. I once had a roommate disappear and the other roommate and I were responsible for picking up his slack. AFAIK it is possible to have a rental agreement where each person on the lease is only responsible for their own portion, but most apartment buildings won’t do it that way. Yeah, it would probably be too easy to scam the landlords otherwise, get an apt for half rent. An option to sublet in such an event might be worth seeking. ---
**Author:** ![jakesteele](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ed8c4c/32.png) [@jakesteele](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jakesteele)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/287 "2009-08-26T20:37:02Z")
Go with, and if you can’t, hire a private detective to check them out. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/288 "2009-08-27T04:28:10Z")
You know, it’s not the best plan, but it’s not the end of the world. A generation or so ago, nobody would have raised their eyebrow at this plan. It was (and in many places still is) the normal sequence of things. My mother had me when she was still a teenager with a no-account boy. The marriage soon broke up, but I was welcomed into the family and everyone pitched in to raise me. To this day she says she wouldn’t change it for a world. She went to university while I was a toddler, and I still remember the lessons I learned helping her study for her classes. She enjoyed being a young mom with enough energy to keep up with me. As I got older, she started a career, which has been rewarding. Now I am out of the house and she is still young enough to enjoy a second chance at single life with money in her pocket. She’s been able to fulfill her dreams of travelling around the world (in part because of me) and is pretty content with her life. Choosing not to go to college, getting married early, and even having kids early is not “ruining you life.” It makes some things harder. But life can take millions of paths. And frankly, plenty of people who go straight to college end up on drugs or whatever. ---
**Author:** ![freedumb2003](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c2a13f/32.png) [@freedumb2003](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freedumb2003)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2009, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/289 "2009-08-27T04:46:34Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > What do the young woman’s parents think of the whole biz? > > You didn’t ask for advice here on his visit but FWIW: I wouldn’t make any promises about the car or anything else until you’ve met him. > > Supposing she moves and shortly thereafter this all goes to hell, I wonder how helpful the young man’s family would be. Some ppl in your position would think, ‘Oh praise Jeebus, someone else can clean up this girl’s messes now!’ > > It’s a lot of work for little pay in any case. The worst of jobs like that is that they skirt the benefits issue by hiring very few people full time. > > An _ **EXCELLENT** _ video to watch/discuss with her and her beau: > > [http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000JEGHFY/ref=sr\_1\_1?ie=UTF8&s=digital-video&qid=1250613237&sr=1-1](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000JEGHFY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=digital-video&qid=1250613237&sr=1-1) > > Episode 1, “Minimum Wage.” Morgan Spurlock and his fiancee (now his wife) try to live on minimum wage for 30 days. You buy the episode for $2, dload directly to your computer. > > After, if she still doesn’t get it, you can do some “math therapy” with them. McD’s, 20 hours pay =$170 x 2=$340 per week. After taxes…subtract out the apt rent, car insurance, groceries, utilities, cable, internet…etc. Uh, how much is tuition, books, supplies at community college? There was a great Cosby episode like that where Theo had to “live” on a basic wage. He learned very quickly that THINGS cost MONEY. Parents (and, of course Grandparents) do their kids no good when they make life too easy. And if this child goes to live with the brand new “b/f” she doesn’t know, then great-grandkids are about to be sprouted – soon. ---
**Author:** ![Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e56c9b/32.png) [@Harriet\_the\_Spry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harriet_the_Spry)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/290 "2009-08-28T14:27:21Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > You know, it’s not the best plan, but it’s not the end of the world. A generation or so ago, nobody would have raised their eyebrow at this plan. It was (and in many places still is) the normal sequence of things. Back when starting a family at 18 was normal a) they would have been getting married, b) it’s highly unlikely the woman would have been moving away from her family with a guy she just met. Rather, she would in most cases be staying in town with her family and marrying a guy who grew up in the same town and c) women had a lot fewer options to choose from. So this particular situation is not a whole lot like what happened in the “olden days.” ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2009, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/291 "2009-08-28T15:19:49Z")
But for the boy, what would she otherwise have been doing with her life? Going on to college, or entering the workforce without going on to college? ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2009, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/292 "2009-08-29T02:01:48Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > But for the boy, what would she otherwise have been doing with her life? Going on to college, or entering the workforce without going on to college? Arrangements had been all but finalized for her to attend a community college about an hour from here. Dorm room reserved, etc. Since classes there started last week, that’s not happening. Update: The boy is moving here and they will get an apartment and live happily ever after on their wages from fast food jobs. At least that’s this week’s plan. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2009, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/293 "2009-08-29T02:07:52Z")
> [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](#): > > Arrangements had been all but finalized for her to attend a community college about an hour from here. Dorm room reserved, etc. Since classes there started last week, that’s not happening. > Update: The boy is moving here and they will get an apartment and live happily ever after on their wages from fast food jobs. At least that’s this week’s plan. I like that better than her moving there. If they had thought ahead (big “if”), the plan to move in together and go to community college could have been pursued. She was already signed up and they could have arranged something WRT living somewhere. But I wouldn’t be surprised if that was just lip service on her part. Of course, there are courses in spring semester as well. Some will be out of bounds because they have prerequisites, but she may get a few courses, ease into it. If that’s what she really wants, I mean. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2009, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/294 "2009-08-31T16:48:36Z")
> [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](#): > > The boy is moving here and they will get an apartment and live happily ever after on their wages from fast food jobs. At least that’s this week’s plan. :smack: I hope this works out, at least in a “things are shitty, but there’s no permanent harm done and it’s a learning experience” kind of way. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2009, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/295 "2009-08-31T19:46:54Z")
> [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](#): > > Arrangements had been all but finalized for her to attend a community college about an hour from here. Dorm room reserved, etc. Since classes there started last week, that’s not happening. > Update: The boy is moving here and they will get an apartment and live happily ever after on their wages from fast food jobs. At least that’s this week’s plan. How very sad that she has concluded that she must give up an education, when in fact there is no reason to do so. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2009, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/296 "2009-08-31T20:20:09Z")
> [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](#): > > Arrangements had been all but finalized for her to attend a community college about an hour from here. Dorm room reserved, etc. Since classes there started last week, that’s not happening. > Update: The boy is moving here and they will get an apartment and live happily ever after on their wages from fast food jobs. At least that’s this week’s plan. Am I the only person who thinks this decision is based around an impression that you will be there for her financially. ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2009, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/297 "2009-08-31T22:53:08Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > How very sad that she has concluded that she must give up an education, when in fact there is no reason to do so. I’ve known a few people who didn’t go to college directly out of high school. Some weren’t smart enough. Some were but didn’t feel they fit in at college. Others had circumstances that prevented them from going. The one constant is that none of them really wanted to go at that point in time. If she wants to go, she’ll go in the future. Pushing her when she doesn’t want to go (and nothing **John Carter** has posted makes me think otherwise) would have just made her drop out. ---
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2009, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/298 "2009-10-12T05:34:00Z")
I know this is a bit of a zombie, but I read this thread with interest in **John** ’s dilemma, and then was pleased that we got to hear about actual news of the actual meeting and time(s) spent together. It’s been over a month since the last post from **Mr. Carter** ; what’s the sitch like now? Enquiring minds want to know. Well, one mind, at least. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2009, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/299 "2009-10-12T16:27:47Z")
> [@Muffin](#): > > How very sad that she has concluded that she must give up an education, when in fact there is no reason to do so. Some people just shouldn’t go to college. I’m not saying this girl is among that number, but the attitude that everyone should go to college is unhealthy. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2009, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/300 "2009-10-13T01:00:56Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Some people just shouldn’t go to college. I’m not saying this girl is among that number, but the attitude that everyone should go to college is unhealthy. I used to think that, but I’m not so sure any more. I mean, would you have said in years past that not everyone is high school graduate material? The idea is simply that you greatly lower your job opportunities if you don’t go. And it’s not like it’s any harder than high school, if you pick the right degree. You just went from 75 hours a week to 15, and that’s if you go full time. I’d at least say everyone needs to go to college unless they can provide a workable plan that doesn’t involve that. And, in my experience, that is nearly impossible when a young person is only considering things from a romantic perspective. And the girl’s current plan seems to indicate that I am right, at least in this case. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2009, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/301 "2009-10-13T01:22:35Z")
It sure doesn’t hurt anybody to go to college, and it’s hard to make an argument for giving up on college to work at McDonald’s with some loser she met on the internet. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063.md?page=14) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063.md?page=16)