# Teenage girl, IRL meeting with internet "love". **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 2, 2009, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063 "2009-08-02T15:26:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 16
**Author:** ![justrob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a9adbd/32.png) [@justrob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/justrob)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2009, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/302 "2009-10-13T15:29:34Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > It sure doesn’t hurt anybody to go to college, and it’s hard to make an argument for giving up on college to work at McDonald’s with some loser she met on the internet. I can agree with the second part but I know a few people that have huge student loans to pay off and not much to really show for it. They mostly have IT type jobs that they were basically qualified for by things they did outside of college. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2009, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/303 "2009-10-14T14:32:48Z")
> [@Snowboarder\_Bo](#): > > I know this is a bit of a zombie, but I read this thread with interest in **John** ’s dilemma, and then was pleased that we got to hear about actual news of the actual meeting and time(s) spent together. > > It’s been over a month since the last post from **Mr. Carter** ; what’s the sitch like now? > > Enquiring minds want to know. Well, one mind, at least. Ahem: They left here August 30 to “go get his clothes and stuff and bring it all back to Alabama”. When September 5th came around with no further word, we did a little internet snooping (no, kiddies, you CAN’T put stuff all over Facebook, Myspace and so forth and expect secrecy) and discovered that they got married in Ohio on Sept 4th. I don’t know when we’d have been informed about this little detail if I hadn’t confronted her in a Facebook message. I sent her the title to the car which she had taken and told her that was her wedding present. I do hope they live happily ever after but it will have to be without any more financial assistance from me. Going off and getting married is one thing, shitting all over people that have bent over backwards for you is quite another. And yes, I consider not informing people that love and have cared for you to be “shitting all over them”. ---
**Author:** ![Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4bbf92/32.png) [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heart_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2009, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/304 "2009-10-14T14:56:29Z")
Wow. Well, I can’t say I’m at all surprised, and I’m sure you’re not either, but… bummer. IMHO, you’ve been the model of firm-yet-flexible support in helping her go through the slow, gradual process of becoming an adult. It must be incredibly frustrating to see her take yet another shortcut into something she’s unprepared for. > [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](#): > > I do hope they live happily ever after but it will have to be without any more financial assistance from me. Going off and getting married is one thing, shitting all over people that have bent over backwards for you is quite another. I think that’s the right thing to do. She’s basically said she doesn’t need or want your help. Love should be given unconditionally; money should not. ---
**Author:** ![Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f08c70/32.png) [@Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crowbar_of_Irony_3)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2009, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/305 "2009-10-14T15:48:35Z")
This is a shame. For all your efforts she just packed up and disappeared. Here’s hoping she won’t get into troubles. ---
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2009, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/306 "2009-10-14T15:55:57Z")
Wow, John, I gotta say that isn’t at all what I was thinking might have happened. > [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > I think that’s the right thing to do. She’s basically said she doesn’t need or want your help. Love should be given unconditionally; money should not. I totally agree with this. You’ve done what you could, and done what was right. Now it’s her turn to be an adult and realize that life is sink or swim. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2009, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/307 "2009-10-14T15:57:01Z")
So, wait, she hasn’t even returned to Alabama to get all _her_ stuff? So sorry about the train wreck that relationship is destined to be. My sympathies to you. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2009, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/308 "2009-10-14T19:00:45Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > So, wait, she hasn’t even returned to Alabama to get all _her_ stuff? No. Apparently she sneaked some essentials like her birth certificate out when she left. The female members of her new in-laws appear to be donating items of clothing. These things I learn from eavesdropping on Facebook postings. She and her mother “aren’t speaking” so the girl posts “I can’t look for a job up here until somebody mails my High School diploma to me.” Then the mom posts, on her FB page, “I’d mail some papers to my daughter if I knew her address”. So the girl then posts her address back on her own FB page, “for anyone that wants to mail something to me”. This crap would be hilarious if it weren’t so tragic. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2009, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/309 "2009-10-14T19:07:10Z")
The fact that she thinks that anybody is going to actually want to see her high school diploma to hire her for a fast food job shows how naive she is. As long as she writes that she’s a high school grad on the application, she can still get the job. I worked my share of McJobs and never saw anybody once bother to verify that someone had graduated from high school. I don’t think I’ve ever even had a prospective employer bother to verify my college degree. Still, the mom should refuse to send her the diploma. Maybe it will help her to grow disenchanted with this nonsense that much faster. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2009, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/310 "2009-10-14T19:19:36Z")
:smack: ---
**Author:** ![Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4bbf92/32.png) [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heart_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2009, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/311 "2009-10-14T19:26:52Z")
Some such jobs don’t even require a diploma or GED. IIRC, she didn’t work in high school, but you might remind her that people certainly can, and do. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2009, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/312 "2009-10-14T19:35:57Z")
Update: On 8/18, my 17 year old daughter told me that she was going to spend the night at a girlfriend’s house. A night later, she called and said she was going to spend another night because her friend had just broken up with her boyfriend and needed her. My spider sense was tricked, but I stifled it. On 8/20, she wasn’t home when I expected her and I texted her that I wanted her to call home immediately. She texted her father and informed us that she’d decided that she just HAD to go and meet her Seattle internet boyfriend, the one she’d been contacting on and off with for 2 1/2 years. After a quick search, we realized that she didn’t fly to Seattle from Cincinnati, Ohio. No, my willful, naive, Straight A student daughter DROVE to Seattle. Long, long story short, we had her arrested at her boyfriend’s house shortly after she arrived. (Had it been 6 months later, we couldn’t have had her arrested for “unruly conduct” but would have had to go with auto theft, something that carried a much more serious penalty.) They put her in a lighthouse type facility until we were able to fly to Seattle to collect her. We then got to trade shifts driving the 3 days back across the country, alternating between relief, disbelief, shock, and anger. FYI, her boyfriend was living with his grandparents and had no idea she was going to come and see him until she texted him that she was almost to his home. Luckily for us, the boy wasn’t in on the plan and was far too young (16) to them to run off together. Luckily for us, she didn’t get attacked in the rest stops, where she stopped to rest at night. Luckily for us, her 9 year old car didn’t break down in the middle of Wyoming. Luckily for us, his grandparents worked with us in luring her safely to their home until the police could arrive. Luckily for us, her boyfriend was sufficiently freaked out by having his internet girlfriend surprise him that he broke up with her that day we returned home. Cautionary tale for all parents. Do not underestimate the power of internet relationships. They seem distant to us, but vulnerable people can get sucked in by the romance of long-distance relationships. They never met, yet spoke more often via texting than I ever did with my high school boyfriends. John, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I do hope that you can forgive her for being so wrapped up in her own emotions that she fails to see how much she is hurting you. After 6 weeks or so, we’re still grappling with our feelings of betrayal even as she is searching for colleges and talking about her new real-life boyfriend. She truly had not thought out how freaked out we’d be or how unbelievably stupid and naive she was. But she’s learning. One day your granddaughter may need you again. I know it’s tempting to completely close the door in her face because you feel like she spat on you. I know exactly how you feel! But I implore you to not shut her out entirely. Two months ago you wrote that she was the light of your life. She is the same girl you loved. She’s just making some really bad choices now. Hopefully she will see the light before long and return to the family that loved and supported her. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2009, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/313 "2009-10-14T19:42:48Z")
:eek: Wow, this thread has convinced me I shouldn’t ever have children. And if I do have children I will raise them to be Amish. ---
**Author:** ![Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4bbf92/32.png) [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heart_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2009, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/314 "2009-10-14T19:49:22Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > And if I do have children I will raise them to be Amish. But come Rumspringa, you’re screwed. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2009, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/315 "2009-10-14T19:51:24Z")
So are they. ---
**Author:** ![Death\_of\_Rats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a6a055/32.png) [@Death\_of\_Rats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Death_of_Rats)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2009, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/316 "2009-10-14T20:30:10Z")
Isn’t that the point to Rumspringa? ---
**Author:** ![OleOneEye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f14d63/32.png) [@OleOneEye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OleOneEye)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2009, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/317 "2009-10-14T23:16:56Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > Long, long story short, we had her arrested at her boyfriend’s house shortly after she arrived. How is a criminal record going to help her? ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2009, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/318 "2009-10-14T23:20:40Z")
> [@OleOneEye](#): > > How is a criminal record going to help her? She’s a minor, IIRC it’ll get sealed/expunged shortly. ---
**Author:** ![OleOneEye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/f14d63/32.png) [@OleOneEye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OleOneEye)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2009, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/319 "2009-10-14T23:44:48Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > She’s a minor, IIRC it’ll get sealed/expunged shortly. That makes sense. I was thinking that having to explain an arrest every time she applied for a job over the rest of her life might be a bit steep of a punishment for the offense. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2009, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063/320 "2009-10-15T00:58:21Z")
Wow **PunditLisa** what an ordeal! So glad your daughter made it safe and sound all the way across the country. The results could have been tragic. As **Heart of Dorkness** said above, “Love should be given unconditionally; money should not.” We’ll still love her all right, but the bucket of greenbacks is now officially empty. Of course, **Dio** is correct that it’s not necessary to have a HS diploma in hand to get a minimum wage job. I think that was another tactic on her part, an excuse for not going job hunting. She’s now been up there six weeks and hasn’t lifted a finger to find work. I suppose this is OK as long as his parents are willing to have them living in their house, eating their food and so forth. Here’s how I see it: Up until late May she had a good part-time job that she liked and it paid $8 per hour, 20 hrs per week. She also had the opportunity to work there 2 additional hours every Saturday for $17.50 per hour, paid cash in hand. High school graduation came and she quit all that because “This is supposed to be the best summer of my life”. From the end of May until late August she worked on nothing except her bikini tan. Then her “Best Summer” was coming to an end, as all summers do. In late August she was suddenly faced with three choices: 1)Start college, paid for but would require LOTS of study 2)Get a real job for 40 hours a week, bridges to her prior position having been burned 3)Find some sap to marry her and he’ll pay the freight, she’s thinking this is a way to avoid growing up. She picked option three. She doesn’t yet understand the consequences of what she’s done. She’s soon to be educated, and I’m afraid she’ll wish she had chosen college as the place to gain wisdom instead of a minimum-wage marriage. Indeed, parents do not underestimate the power of these online hook-ups. To today’s teens, their life is mostly on-line and these cyber relationships are very real to them. For me, getting serious about someone I’d never spent personal time with would be impossible, but I’m an old fart. Hang in there… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenage-girl-irl-meeting-with-internet-love/505063.md?page=15)