# Teenagers pulling away from family -- or do they get pushed away? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 23, 2026, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317 "2026-09-23T18:22:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2026, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317/61 "2026-09-27T02:55:02Z")
> [@doreen](#): > > If it’s any consolation, lots of women don’t. It is! Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2026, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317/62 "2026-09-27T03:17:56Z")
My daughter has been a bridesmaid so many times it’s a joke amongst her friends. She’s pictured prominently in many wedding albums of her generation. She’s also hit up constantly to sing at weddings. It’s kinda expensive in some weddings to be in the wedding party. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. The grass is not always greener. ---
**Author:** ![BippityBoppityBoo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bippityboppityboo/32/5745_2.png) [@BippityBoppityBoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BippityBoppityBoo)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2026, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317/63 "2026-09-27T06:12:56Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > It is! Thank you. I have never, in 76 years, ever been remotely close to being a bridesmaid/MoH, not even for the 3 friends who were my bridesmaids. ---
**Author:** ![Tamerlane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tamerlane/32/7602_2.png) [@Tamerlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tamerlane)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2026, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317/64 "2026-09-27T06:29:38Z")
> [@BippityBoppityBoo](#): > > I have never, in 76 years, ever been remotely close to being a bridesmaid/MoH, not even for the 3 friends who were my bridesmaids. Not something I ever thought about (I’m male), but thinking about it now I don’t think a single marriage in my immediate family has ever even had bridesmaids that I’m aware of. Including my own parents who both married multiple times 🙂. We’re City Hall marriage/eloping sorts of folks, as are many of my friends, even the ones who did have a reception. I should ask, but I strongly suspect none of my more immediate female relatives and most of my female friends haven’t been bridesmaids either. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2026, 6:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317/65 "2026-09-27T06:59:27Z")
There are 7 in my sibling group. No room for outside bridesmaids. You used your sisters and sils or none. Daddy’s rule. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2026, 7:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317/66 "2026-09-27T07:52:01Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > You used your sisters and sils or none. Kind of my point. For various reasons, not just the age difference, there was no opportunity to be a 'maid for either of my sisters. And for various other reasons, cousins never asked. And for various _other_ reasons…aw, phooey. You’re right; who cares! I did get to see **Phantom Menace** , **ROTK** and one of the Harry Potters at the Chinese Mann. How many can say that, eh? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Filbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/filbert/32/3433_2.png) [@Filbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Filbert)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2026, 9:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317/67 "2026-09-27T09:06:55Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > It is! Thank you. The first time I went to a wedding as a _guest_ I was 40. Just saying. My brother didn’t get married until he already had 2.5 daughters who took the role along with their slightly bigger cousins (yes, the 0.5’s scan pics were included in the photos including pics with part of the bridesmaid outfit in case of future ‘Well why wasn’t _I_ a bridesmaid’ discussions). I have one cousin who was close enough, but she announced the wedding at the same meeting where I announced I was off to Australia for a year, so I didn’t make it\[1\]. * * * 1. she divorced him and is now engaged to a woman, maybe I’ll catch the next one! ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2026, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317/68 "2026-09-27T14:06:15Z")
> [@doreen](#): > > > [@Rilchiam](#): > > > > 1. Every woman should have a bridesmaid story to tell, and I…don’t. > > If it’s any consolation, lots of women don’t. Yeah, I read that and I was like _oh goody, another culturally ingrained expectation about hoops that are supposed to be jumped through in a woman’s life or else it’s a humiliating failure and/or deprivation._ Bad enough that all women are traditionally expected to experience being a bride or else they’ve failed as a woman. Now there’s a bridesmaid box to tick as well? Do we encourage men to feel that it’s a routine and expected part of manhood for them to have a wedding-usher story to tell? Feeling bad about having had bad experiences in childhood is totally natural but, as @LSLGuy observes, potentially pernicious if we continue dwelling on it in adulthood. Feeling bad about our experiences as girls and women **in part because of comparing them to a conventional checklist of what girls’ and women’s experiences are “supposed” to be** is an add-on side helping of systemic-sexism trauma on top of the individual perniciousness plate. ---
**Author:** ![Q.Q.Switcheroo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/q.q.switcheroo/32/5713_2.png) [@Q.Q.Switcheroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.Q.Switcheroo)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2026, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317/69 "2026-09-27T14:07:37Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > Do we encourage men to feel that it’s a routine and expected part of manhood for them to have a wedding-usher story to tell? Maybe a bachelor party story… ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2026, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317/70 "2026-09-27T14:57:06Z")
My late wife had one sister. They were each each other’s MoH and that was the extent of both of their’s participation in other people’s weddings. Despite having been highly social women, in a college sorority, married at a mostly typical age for their era, etc. I’ve been a best man exactly once and that’s my wedding participation except as guest (or groom). So yes, dear @Rilchiam, that’s another unnecessary stick you’ve chosen to pick up from the roadside and then beat yourself repeatedly with. Mental self-flaggelation is a notoriously hard habit to break without help. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2026, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317/71 "2026-09-27T15:21:21Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > So yes, dear @Rilchiam, that’s another unnecessary stick you’ve chosen to pick up from the roadside and then beat yourself repeatedly with. Mental self-flaggelation is a notoriously hard habit to break without help. Right again! And seriously, no snark, I find your comments in this thread to be very supportive. (Still can’t tell someone’s tone online. Emojis help, but often, I feel like I’m in that KITH sketch where the guy can’t change his sarcastic tone. “I _really_ like you; I _wanna_ be your friend…Hey, where you going?”) ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2026, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317/72 "2026-09-27T15:27:29Z")
Oh, I _loved_ Sarcasm Guy. I haven’t thought about that character in years. Thank you for the big grins you just gave me. Everything about KITH was inspired and that was a standout among many. And yes I’m trying to be supportive. Thanks for picking up on the intended tone. But as is well-known, there’s a difference between male-coded and female-coded “supportive”. As a stereotyped caricature, men tend to support by saying “To solve your problem you ought to do this other thing you’re not doing now”, while women tend to support by saying “Oh, no you poor thing! You have my total sympathy; the world is attacking you without justification and you’re doing the right / best thing you can to cope” You can sure see how someone wanting to hear the latter and who’s instead given the former might treat that as the man attacking the victim. I’m trying to avoid us falling into that trap. I hope successfully. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2026, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317/73 "2026-09-27T15:36:16Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > But as is well-known, there’s a difference between male-coded and female-coded “supportive”. As a stereotyped caricature, men tend to support by saying “To solve your problem you ought to do this other thing you’re not doing now”, while women tend to support by saying “Oh, no you poor thing! You have my total sympathy; the mean world is attacking you without justification and you’re doing the right / best thing you can to cope” Huh. My experience with both genders has usually been, “Try looking at it another way.” Unfortunately, and girls/women do seem to do this more, and a lot of times “You’re looking at it wrong” segues into “You’re **wrong** , full stop.” ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2026, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317/74 "2026-09-27T15:58:58Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > Feeling bad about having had bad experiences in childhood is totally natural but, as @LSLGuy observes, potentially pernicious if we continue dwelling on it in adulthood. Well, as I said before, this is coming up now because of my age and post-menopausal status. This is the age when people start assessing their lives. I can see now, I need to focus more on things I have done, or that have gone well, not the things I didn’t do or that went badly. For instance, I’ve been (mostly) happily married for 27 years, and we had a courthouse wedding! ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2026, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317/75 "2026-09-27T16:09:49Z")
And that alone (well, the 27 happy years of marriage bit, not specifically the wedding venue) puts you so far up the Succeeding At Life scale that you should feel immensely proud every freaking day! 😍 ---
**Author:** ![BippityBoppityBoo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bippityboppityboo/32/5745_2.png) [@BippityBoppityBoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BippityBoppityBoo)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2026, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317/76 "2026-09-27T16:16:26Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > I’m trying to avoid us falling into that trap. I hope successfully. IME you are very successful at that. Remarkably so. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2026, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317/77 "2026-09-27T17:04:23Z")
And seriously, now that I’ve had time to think about it, I can’t remember ever getting that “The world is attacking you, poor baby!” response from anyone. What I clearly remember, multiple times, is getting a [Four Yorkshiremen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ue7wM0QC5LE) response. “You had a box?! I had to sleep in an envelope!” Sometimes, I’m sure, it was well-meant, urging me to think of how much worse it could be. But often, it came off more like [Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNz6lD0F_G4). “Ugh, I _wish_ I had _your_ problems!” With a strong undertone of, “I’m a martyr and you’re a whiny brat.” So yeah, I wish I’d had the kind of girl friends who gave affirmations. Instead of playing Misery Poker. ETA: But I daresay, if I’d had friends like **LSL** describes, I’d have been a bridesmaid, because that’s the kind of person who has Big White Weddings. 🙃 ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2026, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317/78 "2026-09-27T19:04:53Z")
From what I learned(I promise I don’t mean this with any nasty intent) from my Granny when I’d whine..she’d say “count your blessings”. I never got to trick or treat. All my siblings and everyone I knew got to go. They’d have days of fun eating and trading candy. Halloween has never triggered me. I enjoyed it vicariously thru my sibs and children. Now grandkids. A couple years ago the dialysis clinic decided to celebrate Halloween. Decor and loads of treats. Even the receptionist peeps wore costumes. Now that pissed me off. I couldn’t understand why. These things never bother me. I finally decided it was a “me” problem. And I was transferring my anxiety on to the clinic..really they were just doing what every place was doing. Maybe the candy offerings were a bit much. Tho’ not everyone is diabetic in here. I got over it. Then the Christmas/Valentine candies and chocolate plus decor didn’t faze me. Sometimes you just gotta do what Granny said, and count your blessings. I’d still love to sit in front of the TV and stuff 12 Reese’s cups down my throat. Just once. I’ll shut up before this turns into a “oh yeah, listen to how bad I had it” thread ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2026, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317/79 "2026-09-27T19:59:41Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Sometimes you just gotta do what Granny said, and count your blessings. [Right on!](https://www.flickr.com/photos/x1brett/52917477228) ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2026, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317/80 "2026-09-28T11:38:57Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > > [@LSLGuy](#): > > > > But as is well-known, there’s a difference between male-coded and female-coded “supportive”. As a stereotyped caricature, men tend to support by saying “To solve your problem you ought to do this other thing you’re not doing now”, while women tend to support by saying “Oh, no you poor thing! You have my total sympathy; the mean world is attacking you without justification and you’re doing the right / best thing you can to cope” > > Huh. My experience with both genders has usually been, “Try looking at it another way.” Unfortunately, and girls/women do seem to do this more, and a lot of times “You’re looking at it wrong” segues into “You’re **wrong** , full stop.” I feel like women, often starting as little girls, internalize some experience that in my mind are at worst unpleasant, inconvenient, maybe even slightly hurtful, but in the grand scheme of things, isn’t actually that big of a deal. But somehow it becomes this triggering event for the rest of their lives. Kind of like how a cat stepping on a hot stove won’t step on a hot stove again. But it also will never step on a cold stove again either. IOW it doesn’t matter if those thoughts are accurate or correct. They become reality. Forever. > [@Swords\_to\_Plowshares](#): > > In general, Americans do not spend money on resources for teens nearly as much as other groups. Teens need places to gather, especially outside. Growing up, I couldn’t go anywhere without a car outside my suburban subdivision, and there were almost no common resources aside from a dinky park. So the most popular outdoor activity was teens taking pot-shots at each other with paintball guns from the other side of the park. > > Parents also often try to control their teenager’s social lives - who they can spend time with, when they can date, etc. That is a recipe for resentment. LOL…yeah, because left to their own devices teenagers will spend their time hanging out in some dinky park, taking pot and shooting each other with paintball guns! Although in all fairness, looking back to when I was in high school we kind of did the same thing except we were more like an underground paintball club that consisted of a loose coalition of I’m guessing 40-50 kids that met periodically to play in various backyards, abandoned lots, construction sites, even organized tournaments. Perhaps a topic for another thread. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/teenagers-pulling-away-from-family-or-do-they-get-pushed-away/1033317.md?page=5)