# Tell Me a Joke **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 28, 2011, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067 "2011-10-28T12:18:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Hogfather65](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/7bcc69/32.png) [@Hogfather65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hogfather65)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2011, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/21 "2011-10-28T15:35:34Z")
Walking through a graveyard I saw a man at a grave crying his eyes out shouting Why! Why did you Dies! Why! Why! I asked him if he was ok and if it was a loved one - he said ‘No it’s the Wife’s first Husband’… ---
**Author:** ![KarenAkaDimples](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/779978/32.png) [@KarenAkaDimples](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarenAkaDimples)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2011, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/22 "2011-10-28T15:38:21Z")
A guy goes into a bank. The clerk says,’Can I help you, sir’ He goes, ’ Yea u fucking bitch I wanna open a fucking account’ Clerk, ’Please there’s no need for cussin’ ’Yo motherfucka I just wanna open a fuckin account.’ ’Sir I’ll help u but watch ur language’ So the manager comes over,’ Is there a problem here?’ Dude says,’ Yea mothafucka I’m trying to fuckin open a motherfuckin account an’ this motherfuckin’ bitch won’t let me.’ ’Please sir don’t curse and how much in ur account?’ Dude,’ 7 billion $$’ Manager,’ And this motherfuckin bitch ain’t helpin’ u?!?’ ---
**Author:** ![KarenAkaDimples](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/779978/32.png) [@KarenAkaDimples](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarenAkaDimples)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2011, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/23 "2011-10-28T15:40:21Z")
Why does Helen Keller use one hand to masturbate? Because she uses the other to moan. ---
**Author:** ![Alka\_Seltzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c89c15/32.png) [@Alka\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alka_Seltzer)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2011, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/24 "2011-10-28T15:55:39Z")
_Knock-knock._ Who’s there? _We come, we come with roll of drum: ta-runda runda runda rom!_ We’re not in. ---
**Author:** ![DragonAsh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/db5fbb/32.png) [@DragonAsh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DragonAsh)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2011, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/25 "2011-10-28T16:05:07Z")
Guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender, “If I show you the most amazing thing in your life, will you give me five free beers?” The bartender says, “Show me this amazing thing first.” So the man reaches into his pocket and takes out a 10 inch man and a tiny piano and places them on the bar. The 10 inch man starts playing the piano. The bartender scratches his head and says, “Wow, that is amazing. Here are your five beers. How did you do that?” “There’s magic lamp outside. Rub it and a genie comes out and will grant you one wish.” So the bartender goes outside, finds the lamp, and rubs it. A genie comes out and says “I am the genie of this lamp. I will grant one wish. Choose carefully.” I want 10,000,000 bucks." As soon as he made his wish, 10,000,000 ducks came out of nowhere. The bartender goes back into the bar. “Boy” he says to the man, “that genie sure does have bad hearing.” The man answers: “Yeah, I know. Did you really think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?” ---
**Author:** ![KarenAkaDimples](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/779978/32.png) [@KarenAkaDimples](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarenAkaDimples)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2011, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/26 "2011-10-28T16:07:07Z")
> [@DragonAsh](#): > > Guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender, “If I show you the most amazing thing in your life, will you give me five free beers?” > > The bartender says, “Show me this amazing thing first.” > > So the man reaches into his pocket and takes out a 10 inch man and a tiny piano and places them on the bar. > > The 10 inch man starts playing the piano. The bartender scratches his head and says, “Wow, that is amazing. Here are your five beers. How did you do that?” > > “There’s magic lamp outside. Rub it and a genie comes out and will grant you one wish.” > > So the bartender goes outside, finds the lamp, and rubs it. A genie comes out and says “I am the genie of this lamp. I will grant one wish. Choose carefully.” > > I want 10,000,000 bucks." As soon as he made his wish, 10,000,000 ducks came out of nowhere. > > The bartender goes back into the bar. > > “Boy” he says to the man, “that genie sure does have bad hearing.” > > The man answers: “Yeah, I know. Did you really think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?” lol…Good one ---
**Author:** ![leahcim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b4bc9f/32.png) [@leahcim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leahcim)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2011, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/27 "2011-10-28T16:59:36Z")
So exp(x) is sitting at a bar in a saloon in the old west. All of the sudden the doors swing open revealing x^2, breathless at the door yelling, “there’s a derivative operator coming into town, and he’s going to differentiate us all over and over again until we’re all zero!”. Some of the other functions scatter, but exp(x) turns to x^2 and says, “I don’t have to worry about such things; he can differentiate me all he wants and I’ll never be zero” and goes back to his drink. A few minutes later, x^5-3x^3+4 barges in the front door yelling, “there’s a derivative operator in town and he’s gunnin’ to differentiate us over and over again until we’re all zero!” Some more of the functions scatter, but again exp(x) admonishes the low-order polynomial, “he can differentiate me all he wants and I won’t even feel it!” and turns back to his drink. A few minutes later, x^25+2x^24-15x^12+4x^9-1 barges into the saloon yelling, “Y’all better get scarce quick! There’s a derivative operator heading in town and he’s heading right this way! He’s gonna differentiate us all over and over again until we’re zero and he’ll be here in a minute!” The rest of the functions all pack up and leave as fast as they can leaving exp(x) alone in the bar, mumbling to himself, “Silly polynomials! I’m immune to differentiation. I guess I’ll have to stand up to this derivative operator all by myself!” A silence filled the air, punctuated only by the sound of a derivative operator getting off its horse and slowly walking towards the saloon doors. Suddenly the doors get thrown open and who should be standing there but… …d/dy ---
**Author:** ![Alka\_Seltzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c89c15/32.png) [@Alka\_Seltzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alka_Seltzer)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2011, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/28 "2011-10-28T17:02:02Z")
_Knock-knock._ Who’s there? _A wizard should know better!_ Look, I don’t care what that troublemaker Gandalf said about Entwives, I’m not letting you ravish my privet bushes again. ---
**Author:** ![MissTake](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misstake/32/3189_2.png) [@MissTake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissTake)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2011, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/29 "2011-10-28T17:04:02Z")
What did Helen Keller say when she fell off the mountain? Nothing, she was wearing mittens. ---
**Author:** ![KarenAkaDimples](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/779978/32.png) [@KarenAkaDimples](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarenAkaDimples)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2011, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/30 "2011-10-28T17:20:11Z")
> [@MissTake](#): > > What did Helen Keller say when she fell off the mountain? > > Nothing, she was wearing mittens. haha ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2011, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/31 "2011-10-28T17:33:51Z")
What’s the difference between Amy Winehouse and a moped? A moped can reach thirty. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2011, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/32 "2011-10-28T17:38:12Z")
Relevant [XKCD](http://xkcd.com/532/). ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2011, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/33 "2011-10-28T17:50:29Z")
> [@leahcim](#): > > So exp(x) is sitting at a bar in a saloon in the old west. All of the sudden the doors swing open revealing x^2, breathless at the door yelling, “there’s a derivative operator coming into town, and he’s going to differentiate us all over and over again until we’re all zero!”. > > Some of the other functions scatter, but exp(x) turns to x^2 and says, “I don’t have to worry about such things; he can differentiate me all he wants and I’ll never be zero” and goes back to his drink. > > A few minutes later, x^5-3x^3+4 barges in the front door yelling, “there’s a derivative operator in town and he’s gunnin’ to differentiate us over and over again until we’re all zero!” > > Some more of the functions scatter, but again exp(x) admonishes the low-order polynomial, “he can differentiate me all he wants and I won’t even feel it!” and turns back to his drink. > > A few minutes later, x^25+2x^24-15x^12+4x^9-1 barges into the saloon yelling, “Y’all better get scarce quick! There’s a derivative operator heading in town and he’s heading right this way! He’s gonna differentiate us all over and over again until we’re zero and he’ll be here in a minute!” > > The rest of the functions all pack up and leave as fast as they can leaving exp(x) alone in the bar, mumbling to himself, “Silly polynomials! I’m immune to differentiation. I guess I’ll have to stand up to this derivative operator all by myself!” > > A silence filled the air, punctuated only by the sound of a derivative operator getting off its horse and slowly walking towards the saloon doors. Suddenly the doors get thrown open and who should be standing there but… > > …d/dy I was with you up until the spoiler punchline. Is that supposed to be different than dx/dy, and if so, what’s it mean for our hero exp(x)? ---
**Author:** ![Sailboat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sailboat/32/461_2.png) [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2011, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/34 "2011-10-28T18:21:16Z")
Beautiful young lady at an embassy party is admiring the ramrod-straight U.S. Marine on duty. She amuses herself trying to distract him, but he remains standing at attention. “You poor thing,” she coos, “don’t you ever have any fun? When was the lat time someone…” and she leans forward and whispers something in his ear. “1957, ma’am,” he replies, in a formal tone. “My God! You poor thing! I’ll take care of you!” And she rushes him into a back room and does as her whispered suggestion promised. “Well, for a man who hasn’t done that since 1957, you certainly haven’t forgotten anything!” she says. “Ma’am, why would I forget? It’s only 2130 now.” ---
**Author:** ![leahcim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b4bc9f/32.png) [@leahcim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leahcim)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2011, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/35 "2011-10-28T18:33:10Z")
> [@Chessic\_Sense](#): > > I was with you up until the spoiler punchline. Is that supposed to be different than dx/dy, and if so, what’s it mean for our hero exp(x)? The derivative operator is “differentiation with respect to y” instead of “differentiation with respect to x”, so exp(x) is just as zeroed by one application as the polynomials would be. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2011, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/36 "2011-10-28T19:34:11Z")
A blonde goes to the doctor. He says, “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?” She says, “Doctor, I hurt all over. Everywhere I touch, it hurts. See?” She pokes her arm. “Ouch!” She pokes her leg. “Ouch!” She pokes her belly. “Ouch! What’s wrong with me, doctor?” The doctor says, “Your finger’s broken.” ---
**Author:** ![Barking\_Dog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Barking\_Dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barking_Dog)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2011, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/37 "2011-10-28T19:53:29Z")
A drunk fella is walking down the street when he spots a policeman. He rushes over to the cop and says, “You gotta help me officer, my car just got stolen!” The cop looks at him and says, “Where was it stolen from sir?” “From the end of this here key”, says the drunk holding up a car key. The policeman says, “Well sir, I can’t really help you, you’d best go downtown to the station so they can help you fill up the proper paperwork and such.” So the drunk begins to start walking down the street again when the cop calls out, “Sir! Befor you go, you better zip up your fly!” The drunk looks down and says, “Oh no! They got my girlfriend too!” ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2011, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/38 "2011-10-28T20:05:33Z")
A string walks into a bar. Bartender says “Go away, we don’t serve your kind here.” String goes out and pulls his edges all apart, and then ties himself in a bow. He goes back in, and the bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you that string that just came in here?” And the string says, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.” Following the death of Quasimodo, the Archbishop went looking for a new bellringer. That evening an armless man approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post… The Bishop, declared, " My Son, you have no arms!" " No matter" replied the man. He then proceeded to strike the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop was astonished, believing he had indeed found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But in rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below. The Bishop, stunned rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, one of the number asked " Bishop, who was this man?" “I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face sure rings a bell.” BUT WAIT! So the Archbishop put out another ad for another bellringer. A day or two later another man showed up at the door. “I am Quasimodo’s brother, and I feel it’s incumbent on me to ring the bells in his place.” Again he rushed too fast at the bells, and fell out of the tower and died. The crowd gathered again as the Archbishop rushed out. “Bishop, who was this man?” “He was a dead ringer for his brother.” ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2011, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/39 "2011-10-28T20:11:00Z")
Two drunks were having an argument as to whether that object up in the sky was the sun or the moon, so they stopped another drunk guy and said “hey buddy, can you help us out? Could you tell us whether that object up there is the sun or the moon?” Drunk guy says “I dunno, man, I’m not from around here.” ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2011, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/40 "2011-10-28T21:21:40Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > What’s the difference between Amy Winehouse and a moped? > > A moped can reach thirty. I’m probably already going to hell, so I don’t feel too bad that I laughed at that one. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067.md?page=3)