# Tell Me a Joke **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 28, 2011, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067 "2011-10-28T12:18:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![Galwegian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/galwegian/32/3426_2.png) [@Galwegian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Galwegian)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2011, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/161 "2011-11-19T20:22:12Z")
> [@MHaye](#): > > An English company received an order from a Soviet firm for 100,000 condoms, but the dimensions were odd. > > Diameter : 20 cm. > Length : 1½m. > > They wondered what to do, and some executive had the bright idea of consulting Winston Churchill, still sitting as a Member of Parliament at that time in his life. > > Churchill’s advice. “Make them. Make them, and stamp them ‘Made in England. Medium size.’” Which reminds me: What do you call a small Russian condom? Little Red Riding Hood ---
**Author:** ![Amber\_in\_Treasury](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bc79bd/32.png) [@Amber\_in\_Treasury](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amber_in_Treasury)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2011, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/162 "2011-11-19T20:39:12Z")
What happens when you fail to pay Bobby Jindal on time for his services? You get repossessed. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2011, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/163 "2011-11-19T20:58:25Z")
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wipe. Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his enemy in the jungle? A woman is in a large cauldron. One cannibal says to the other, ‘It’s going to have to be Manhattan style. She’s on her period.’ ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2011, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/164 "2011-11-20T03:52:14Z")
My favorite cannibal joke requires some stage directions: A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are exploring the deepest jungle when they’re captured by natives. The chief lines the captives up in front of a boiling cauldron and says to the Frenchman, “Good evening. Let me tell you what we’re going to do. We’re going to drain the blood from your body, we’re going to boil the flesh from your bones, and we’re going to take your skin and make a canoe. Do you have any last request?” “Geev me . . . un croissant!” says the Frenchman. So the chief gets him a croissant. The Frenchman takes a big bite of it, shouts, “Vive le France!” and leaps into the boiling cauldron. The chief goes to the Englishman and says, “Good evening. Let me tell you what we’re going to do. We’re going to drain the blood from your body, we’re going to boil the flesh from your bones, and we’re going to take your skin and make a canoe. Do you have any last request?” “Give me . . . a cup of tea!” says the Englishman. So the chief gets him a cup of tea. The Englishman takes a polite sip, shouts, “For queen and country!” and leaps into the boiling cauldron. The chief goes to the New Yorker and says, “Good evening. Let me tell you what we’re going to do. We’re going to drain the blood from your body, we’re going to boil the flesh from your bones, and we’re going to take your skin and make a canoe. Do you have any last request?” “Yeah,” says the New Yorker. “Gimme a fork!” “A fork?” says the chief. “That’s right, a fork!” So the chief gets the New Yorker a fork. The New Yorker goes like this [stage direction: make stabbing motions all over your own body] and shouts, “Here’s yer fuckin canoe!” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2011, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/165 "2011-11-20T04:29:47Z")
I was going to tell that one, but couldn’t be arsed to type it all out. 😛 ETA: I reckoned someone else would do it for me. 😉 . ---
**Author:** ![FlyByNight512](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/82dd89/32.png) [@FlyByNight512](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyByNight512)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2011, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/166 "2011-11-20T04:56:37Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > Q. What do you call 50 female swine and 50 male deer? > A. A hundred sows and bucks. Among farmers, ‘pig’ refers only to the male of the species, so if you’re talking about a mixed gender group it’s correct to say ‘sows and pigs’. Mix that with a reporter who doesn’t know that particular detail, and [hilarity ensues](http://www.abc.net.au/mediawatch/transcripts/s3132383.htm). ---
**Author:** ![Nancarrow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c37758/32.png) [@Nancarrow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nancarrow)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2011, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/167 "2011-11-20T12:25:50Z")
One physicist was overheard to brag to another, ‘Over the weekend I cleaned my house so well, a star exploded’ (Physicists are a laugh every 18 million kilometers) ---
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2011, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/168 "2011-11-20T19:34:55Z")
I reached for a bottle of Viagra in the dark and picked up a bottle of Tipex instead, in the morning I woke up with a huge correction. I’ve been drinking brake fluid recently, but I can stop any time I want. ---
**Author:** ![Zyanthia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Zyanthia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyanthia)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/169 "2011-11-21T18:12:42Z")
Some South Dakota ranchers were out riding near the North/South Dakota border when they ran into some North Dakotan coal miners. Heated words were shared between the two groups until finally, one of the coal miners grabbed a stick of dynamite, and threw it at the ranchers. One of the ranchers caught it, lit it, and threw it back. ---
**Author:** ![Full\_Metal\_Lotus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/df705f/32.png) [@Full\_Metal\_Lotus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Full_Metal_Lotus)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2011, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/170 "2011-11-22T03:07:39Z")
I got my valium mixed up with my viagra… I still can’t get it up, but I don’t really seem to mind that much… ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2011, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/171 "2011-11-22T04:04:17Z")
> [@Full\_Metal\_Lotus](#): > > I got my valium mixed up with my viagra… > I still can’t get it up, but I don’t really seem to mind that much… Sounds like one my dad used to tell. ‘I’ve got my Span-Tran. It’s half spanish fly and half tranquiliser. It makes you hunt like mad for it, but if you don’t get any you don’t give a darn.’ ---
**Author:** ![Zeldar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b77776/32.png) [@Zeldar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeldar)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2011, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/172 "2011-11-22T16:12:07Z")
A BEWILDERED COWBOY While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn’t get help, they’d surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff’s Office and Homeland Security. It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I’m starting to think I wasted two stamps. ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2011, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/173 "2011-11-22T18:00:02Z")
FlyByNight512: > [@](#): > > Among farmers, ‘pig’ refers only to the male of the species I never knew that. I always assumed that “boar” was the word for male swine, and “pig” was gender-neutral. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2011, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/174 "2011-11-22T18:34:32Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > This one is the hardest joke to get that I tell. > > A rancher is getting old, so he decides to pass his ranch on to the next generation. Three brothers take it over from their dad, and they lay a new fence, repaint the cattleshed, and buy a herd of new prize cattle. After all that, they decide that the ranch ought to get a new name, so they check with dad. > > He thinks about it for a bit, and then says, “You should call it Focus.” > > “Focus?” the brothers say. “What kind of name for a ranch is that?” > > “Well,” dad says, “It’s where the sons raise meat.” I…don’t get it. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Lare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/53a042/32.png) [@Lare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lare)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2011, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/175 "2011-11-22T18:47:55Z")
> [@spooje](#): > > I…don’t get it. ☹ How about this? Focus: It’s where the sun’s rays meet. Gotta love homonyms. ---
**Author:** ![Mikemike2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mikemike2/32/305_2.png) [@Mikemike2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mikemike2)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2011, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/176 "2011-11-22T19:48:43Z")
> [@Lare](#): > > How about this? > Focus: It’s where the sun’s rays meet. > > Gotta love homonyms. No kidding that was a tough one. What do you call a fish with no eye? Fsshhh. (fun to say.) ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2011, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/177 "2011-11-22T20:30:49Z")
It’s more fun to say a pig with three eyes. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2011, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/178 "2011-11-22T23:43:02Z")
A hot wind is blowing dust and tumbleweed down the main street of a little one-horse town in the Old West when a horse trudges in off the prairie. The rider is dressed all in black and has the coal-black piercing eyes of the hardened killer. Men find business elsewhere and mothers call their children in off the street as the stranger plods the length of the town and draws up in front of the sheriff’s office; but the sheriff’s waiting there already, rifle close at hand. He and the stranger look at each other in silence for maybe five minutes before the stranger speaks. “Ah’m lookin’ for the Brown Paper Kid.” He speaks in a slow dull monotone, but his eyes never leave the sheriff’s face as that tough man replies evenly. “Ain’t heard nothin’ about no Brown Paper Kid. What’s he like?” The stranger ponders this for a bare moment. “Waal, he wears brown paper pants and a brown paper jacket, brown paper boots and a brown paper hat. He packs two six-guns in a brown paper belt and he rides a hoss with a brown paper saddle.” The sheriff nods, once, fractionally. “An’ what’s he wanted for?” “Rustlin’,” says the stranger tersely. ---
**Author:** ![dham61](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@dham61](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dham61)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2011, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/179 "2011-11-23T05:01:32Z")
> [@KarenAkaDimples](#): > > The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game, she will describe an object and the students will tell her what she had described. Teacher: “The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem.” Timmy: " I know what it is, it’s an apple." Teacher: “That’s right, I like the way you’re thinking.” “OK the next item is round, has a peel, and you eat it.” Christopher: “I know what it is, it’s an orange.” Teacher: “That’s right, I like the way you’re thinking.” Johnny: “Can I try, Teacher?” Teacher: “Yes Johnny, but, Keep it clean!” Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for a second, and says “My object is round, hard, and has a head on it.” Teacher: “Alright Johnny, go to the office!” Johnny: "No Teacher, it’s only a quarter! Johnny says “its only a quarter, but I like the way you’re thinking!” ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2011, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067/180 "2011-11-23T05:11:53Z")
> [@KarenAkaDimples](#): > > Why does Helen Keller use one hand to masturbate? > > Because she uses the other to moan. I have to tell you that not only did I laugh at this one (evil, terrible me), I shared it with friends who also laughed 🙂 Holy cow, it was so wrong, and sooooo funny! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-a-joke/601067.md?page=10)