# Tell me if I'm being a jerk in this situation. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 5, 2010, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-im-being-a-jerk-in-this-situation/527846 "2010-02-05T20:56:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2010, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-im-being-a-jerk-in-this-situation/527846/21 "2010-02-05T21:59:15Z")
> [@Girl\_From\_Mars](#): > > I’m with this - say it’s a good opportunity to kill two birds - Tess gets her hours, and the clothes cluttering up your father’s house get given away to a good cause. Hard for your sister to refuse the quid pro quo, and all sides win - Tess and her Mum get the hours, you do the right thing by Tess and those in need get a generous donation. Oh, I already took the clothes. Dad didn’t care,and it wasn’t like it was Jessica’s house. Plus I’m bigger than she is. ---
**Author:** ![Tethered\_Kite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a5b964/32.png) [@Tethered\_Kite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tethered_Kite)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2010, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-im-being-a-jerk-in-this-situation/527846/22 "2010-02-05T22:02:05Z")
As far as the plan to keep your benevolence in your pocket as ammunition against your sister should she ever criticize your church again, here’s my thought: It doesn’t provide you with an opportunity for a “clean gift.” It has that passive-aggressive note to it that the gift comes with a hidden string - that of proving your church’s superiority to your sister. While you’ve stated that you are not Christian I am wondering if this is the kind of motivation that your parishioners would recommend. If if satisfies you to give in this manner, no matter. But perhaps it anticipates a continued conflict with your sister that would be more easily resolved if you forgot about storing up ammunition. ---
**Author:** ![redtail23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/3e96dc/32.png) [@redtail23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/redtail23)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2010, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-im-being-a-jerk-in-this-situation/527846/23 "2010-02-05T22:19:32Z")
Nevermind, I can’t keep up. ---
**Author:** ![thirdwarning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecccb3/32.png) [@thirdwarning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thirdwarning)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2010, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-im-being-a-jerk-in-this-situation/527846/24 "2010-02-05T22:37:07Z")
Jessica is in the wrong here. Jesus didn’t put requirements on his gifts, and neither should she. That being said, Tess isn’t her mother. She needs your help, your church charity can use her help, and it might turn into a learning experience for her, that she won’t get anywhere else. I’d say if you help Tess out with this, then you get to ask her mom one question, civilly worded and toned, about how this was okay for her to ask you to do, but giving those clothes was not okay. I’d call that helping her see, or taking advantage of a teaching moment. Anything more than that I’d call rubbing her nose in it. ---
**Author:** ![crazyjoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f14d63/32.png) [@crazyjoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crazyjoe)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2010, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-im-being-a-jerk-in-this-situation/527846/25 "2010-02-06T04:33:46Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Oh, I already took the clothes. Dad didn’t care,and it wasn’t like it was Jessica’s house. Plus I’m bigger than she is. Even better, then. Tell her Tess is welcome, and that she should also bring some old clothes of her mom and dad’s to help out with some of the other ministries at your church. I agree with the others that your sister is generally being an opportunistic bitch. It pains to reward that behavior, but the greater good here is that you expose your niece to what true charity really is. Those types of lessons are pretty valuable. Assuming your niece sees this value, help her out with the hours she needs. If it impacts her, you may get more support from her depending on just how much muscle your sister decides to flex on the matter. If not, then you tried, and should be happy that you made the effort instead of being petty. ---
**Author:** ![Dag\_Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@Dag\_Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dag_Otto)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2010, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-im-being-a-jerk-in-this-situation/527846/26 "2010-02-06T06:09:28Z")
> [@crazyjoe](#): > > Assuming your niece sees this value, help her out with the hours she needs. If it impacts her, you may get more support from her depending on just how much muscle your sister decides to flex on the matter. If not, then you tried, and should be happy that you made the effort instead of being petty. And with any luck, maybe Tess will meet a nice girl at your church. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2010, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-im-being-a-jerk-in-this-situation/527846/27 "2010-02-06T06:16:34Z")
> [@Dag\_Otto](#): > > And with any luck, maybe Tess will meet a nice girl at your church. > > 😃 Here I quickly dropped to the bottom of the thread to post; “Bonus points for turning Tess gay” And see I was beaten to the punch. ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2010, 7:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-im-being-a-jerk-in-this-situation/527846/28 "2010-02-06T07:38:00Z")
> [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](#): > > Bonus points if you can convince the niece to be all lesbian-y after she interacts with the church - Maybe humming ‘I kissed a girl’ while watching a slew of Lindsey Lohan movies? Way back in post #10, complete with the words “bonus points”. ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2010, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-im-being-a-jerk-in-this-situation/527846/29 "2010-02-06T13:11:16Z")
Another vote for - you’re not quite being a jerk, but do help Tess out. But if you show her any Lindsey Lohan movies other than THE PARENT TRAP, FREAKY FRIDAY and MEAN GIRLS, you’re not only a jerk but also a war criminal. Someone suggested a latter works of Lindsey Lohan film festival at Abu Gharib & was turned over to Al Quaida. ---
**Author:** ![Perciful](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b38774/32.png) [@Perciful](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Perciful)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2010, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-im-being-a-jerk-in-this-situation/527846/30 "2010-02-07T04:12:14Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Long, boring family issue, but with minimum drama. Here’s the sitch: > > As some of y’all may know, I come from a fairly large family. Among my several sisters is one I’ll call Jessica here because I can’t remember what pseudonym I’ve used for her in the past and see no real reason to bother checking. She’s is a few years older than I and has a single child, a girl in her mid-teens whom I will call Tess. Jessica and I used to be extremely close, each other’s best friend; now we are not. Earlier posts of mine may give the impression that the fractures in our relationship are entirely her fault, but I’d say the blame is largely mine as well. The strained relationship does not extend to Tess, who is a great little kid. (Well, she’s often a mouthy brat, but that doesn’t bug me, as she’s also funny as hell when she’s being mouthy.) > > Anyway…Jessica is a Pentecostal Christian who thinks that anyone who doesn’t adhere to the exact teachings of her church is doomed to Hell. This is sometimes a source of friction between us, as I am an technical agnostic but practical atheist. That said, I still attend services, because the congregation I belong to is extremely liberal. My best friends outside my family belong to that church, and they do a lot of good works in the community I have no problem supporting both financially and with the sweat of my brow. > > One of my church’s ministries is aid to poor families. This consists of a twice-weekly giveaway of clothing and other needfuls to homeless persons, and a once-monthly giveaway of food to families in need. A few months ago I was at our father’s house and noticed that he still had a good number of my mother’s clothes in boxes. (She died a few years back).) I suggested that he donate those clothes to us. Jessica objected, opining that giving the clothes would be an implicit support of the open-to-gays church I belong to, and thus an endorsement of eeeevvvviillll. > > Now fast-forward to this week. Tess is a member of some school organization that requires its members to engage in a set amount of volunteer work per quarter, and in return she gets certain privileges. Being a teen, she has goofed off and needs to find a way to get her hours in. They belong to a big church in town which, so far as I can see, does nothing for the community whatsodamnever. So Jessica asked me if I could arrange for her to work with the ministry I referred to earlier, which I am running at the moment. I told her, truthfully, that I couldn’t see it working, because the hours the closet is open are school hours for Tess, and though we do scut work when Tess is available, those slots are full. But earlier today, a couple of the kids who do the cleaning and sorting of the closet during the time Tess can help out told me that they are having to drop out this weekend. In other words, I could slot Tess in easily. > > But I’m not inclined too. I mean, she’s a good kid and all, but her mother’s motives her strike me as a little mercenary. She was resolutely against the church till it was to her advantage (or rather her child’s advantage) to participate in something we were doing. This annoys me. And yet, I tend to think that if this were one of my other nieces, I would be probably have picked up the phone and told her I’d pick her up tomorrow morning. > > Am I being a jerk? Yes and No. Tell Jessica how you feel. Try not to let your anger at your sister affect your decision with Tess. We have a clothes closet in town and the people that go really need the clothes. I try and bring my cast offs there because they are given out free. It is wonderful you do that and would be wonderful for Tess to help out. I hope you bring her. ---
**Author:** ![Serenata67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/serenata67/32/10646_2.png) [@Serenata67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Serenata67)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2010, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-im-being-a-jerk-in-this-situation/527846/31 "2010-02-07T18:16:14Z")
> [@redtail23](#): > > It does seem like you’re taking out your irritation with your sister on your niece. > > Being the kind of jerk that I am, I’d leap on the chance to get niece involved with church. > > Then, anytime in the future that sister said ANYTHING about your church, you have the opportunity to mention that it was good enough for her when they needed something from it. 😃 It’s nice to have weapons to fight they hypocrites with… like concrete examples of their hypocrisy… irrefutable examples. Help the girl out. Give the mom (good natured) grief about it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-im-being-a-jerk-in-this-situation/527846.md?page=1)