# Tell me if this behavior I am contemplating is creepy, controlling, or manipulative **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 6, 2009, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550 "2009-08-06T17:31:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Skammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skammer/32/143_2.png) [@Skammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skammer)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/21 "2009-08-06T18:35:27Z")
I would say that moving your money may give you more protection, but does not move you closer to not getting a divorce. Marriage requires vulnerability. ---
**Author:** ![Philster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/13edae/32.png) [@Philster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Philster)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/22 "2009-08-06T18:42:25Z")
Everything except for changing the locks is wise. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/23 "2009-08-06T18:45:50Z")
> [@Pleonast](#): > > Let’s see: > > 1. Moving half the joint account into a personal account: shows a little lack of trust, but is prudent and reasonable. > 2. Moving the direct deposit to new personal account: similar slight lack of trust, still prudent, but a little less reasonable. I have no idea about your state’s law, but if you were supporting her with that income, she still has some expectation of support. > 3. Changing the locks to your previously shared home: shows a clear lack of trust, is less prudent or reasonable because you’re denying her access to her own property plus your joint property. > > I think 1 and 2 are probably all right. You might consider moving a reasonable allowance from each of your paychecks to the joint account to show your good faith. Number 3 sends a signal you don’t want her coming back. I wouldn’t consider 3 unless you have specific reasons to believe she would trash or steal you stuff. And even then it still makes you look like the bad guy. Underlining mine. I agree except I’m iffy about the underlined part. It would say to me, “You’re afraid I’m going to steal your stuff” for sure but it may not mean “I don’t want you ever to come back.” Also, if she returns home and finds the locks have been changed, it will probably be taken as a total slap in the face. > [@tdn](#): > > The more I think about the changing the locks thing, the less good an idea I think it is. If her name is on the mortgage, then it could well be illegal and you could land yourself in a very bad place. I’d ask a lawyer before going down that road. I agree. Thing is, I think you want her back…or at least, don’t want to rule out that possibility. Many ppl would view your actions as “tip of the iceberg” stuff, like if you’re changing the locks, what else might you be doing that I don’t know about? I think you’re walking a tightrope here. If you do in fact want the option of reconciliation, I’d be as open and above board as possible with her in the hope of damage control. You know her and I don’t, but would her thought process be, ‘He’s already divided the account…he’s already decided this is over’? Also she may question why you moved money. ‘Was it used to retain a lawyer?’ ---
**Author:** ![crazyjoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f14d63/32.png) [@crazyjoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crazyjoe)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/24 "2009-08-06T18:48:34Z")
I’d strerss that these steps you’er taking are to protect BOTH of you. You will not be able to accuse her of waltzing into the house and taking stuff, and she won’t be able to take stuff. Similarly, she will not be able to take money that is not (in some way) rightfully hers. I view it as the move of someone who doesn’t want a divorce, but isn’t a blind moron either. Supposedly she’s found Jesus (hey, there he is!!!) but you’d be surprised what even God-fearing people can justify. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/25 "2009-08-06T18:49:37Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > Sounds reasonable and fair to me. More than fair. You earned \*all \*the money, right? Do you really want to go there? That earning the money makes you entitled to take the money? Marriage is a partnership and the value that one brings into a marriage goes way beyond the dollar amount each individual earns. Setting up and account with half the money seems fine as she appears to have no way to support herself and you can envision her draining the account. However, I wouldn’t change the locks unless you can envision a scenario where she would be a danger to you or your personal (not community) property. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/26 "2009-08-06T18:54:56Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Do you really want to go there? That earning the money makes you entitled to take the money? Marriage is a partnership and the value that one brings into a marriage goes way beyond the dollar amount each individual earns. Did I say he should take all the money? No, I didn’t. I said that taking half was more than fair, and reasonable. It is. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/27 "2009-08-06T18:57:19Z")
> [@crazyjoe](#): > > I view it as the move of someone who doesn’t want a divorce, but isn’t a blind moron either. That’s a very rational way of looking at it. I’m not entirely sure that we’re dealing with someone who’s entirely rational right now, though. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/28 "2009-08-06T18:58:22Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > Did I say he should take all the money? No, I didn’t. I said that taking half was more than fair, and reasonable. It is. Right. But you coupled it with “you earned it” and only taking half was “more than fair” which suggests he has more right to it because of that. It’s that attitude I’m commenting on. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/29 "2009-08-06T18:59:40Z")
One pro-locks argument: if she has a new place, you don’t have keys to it. It’s her sanctuary, separate from you. Why can’t you have the same? ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/30 "2009-08-06T19:00:54Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Right. But you coupled it with “you earned it” which suggests he has more right to it because of that. It’s that attitude I’m commenting on. Well, he did earn it. But I never said he had “more right” to it. I said the since he earned it, taking half was fair and reasonable. Any other interpretation is in your mind, not mine. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/31 "2009-08-06T19:01:41Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > One pro-locks argument: if she has a new place, you don’t have keys to it. It’s her sanctuary, separate from you. Why can’t you have the same? He can, as long as her name isn’t on the lease or title. That’s the legal sticking point I’m worried about. I don’t think you can lock someone out of their own place. ---
**Author:** ![Pleonast](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pleonast/32/1183_2.png) [@Pleonast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pleonast)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/32 "2009-08-06T19:02:02Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > One pro-locks argument: if she has a new place, you don’t have keys to it. It’s her sanctuary, separate from you. Why can’t you have the same? He could rent a new place too, if he wanted to. But their home is their home. He doesn’t have any more right to it than she does (YMMV depending on a bunch of legal factor I’m completely ignorant of). ---
**Author:** ![Mikemike2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mikemike2/32/305_2.png) [@Mikemike2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mikemike2)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/33 "2009-08-06T19:02:06Z")
You could consider putting in digital locks. These have more than one combination which you could give her. Then if you don’t want her to have access you disable her code without there being an obvious change. ---
**Author:** ![jujuju](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7993a0/32.png) [@jujuju](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jujuju)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/34 "2009-08-06T19:02:11Z")
You cannot legally lock your spouse out of the house. Until you are actually separated or divorced, she has as much right to live/be in the house as you do. From personal experience (in Georgia anyway), I purchased our home completely on my own, in my name only, made all the payments myself, and even then, I could not evict my (now ex-) husband when I wanted to separate. He ended up cleaning me out, even took our son’s bed. Oh well, won’t happen again… ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/35 "2009-08-06T19:03:11Z")
First, I just wanted to say I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. You’re one of the bright spots of the boards, and have all my best wishes. I’m not sure if I would have changed the locks, but not sure I wouldn’t have either. Absolutely, positively let her know about the locks ASAP if not sooner. For her, hearing the locks have been changed is much better than finding out by not having her key work. When you tell her include an offer (more or less cordial and open, depending on how ya’ll are right then) to arrange a time she can get any stuff that she wants. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/36 "2009-08-06T19:06:22Z")
I’d be all for the locks except that it may be a legal issue (yeah, she didn’t exactly give you a key to her new place, did she?) I’ve heard of major legal problems ensuing from this kind of thing, though. The bank account thing is perfectly reasonable and prudent. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/37 "2009-08-06T19:08:37Z")
WRT changing locks…IANAL but it seems like he could at least try to appeal to her sense of fairness and if she doesn’t push the legal angle, maybe it would work out. WRT money: Naturally, 50/50 split. He might further sell the idea by saying that they can avoid looking over each other’s shoulder. If she needs a new couch for her place and spends $1000 on it, it doesn’t raise an alarm on his radar, that sort of thing. Again, IANAL but hopefully they can avoid some problems without resorting to lawyers. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/38 "2009-08-06T19:14:26Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > Well, he did earn it. But I never said he had “more right” to it. I said the since he earned it, taking half was fair and reasonable. Any other interpretation is in your mind, not mine. Well, then I don’t know what the point of saying that it was “more than fair” because he “earned it” to take only half the money. It was exactly fair, as it would have been for her as well. OK- I’ll take you at your word that you don’t mean that earning the money gives you more right (even moral right) to it than the person who didn’t earn it. Hijack over, for me. ---
**Author:** ![Caffeine.addict](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f475e1/32.png) [@Caffeine.addict](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caffeine.addict)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/39 "2009-08-06T19:50:38Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > As mentioned in an another thread, I am in the midst of some marital difficulties. Mrs. Rhymer has announced her desire to – well, that’s iffy. She won’t say, or can’t say, whether she wants a divorce or a separation. But she has moved out and taken her clothes, books, and computer, but nothing else. She says she has not hired a lawyer. She has not had a job for some time now, and even when she did, I was the person supporting the family. > > This news left me devastated for about 24 hours, as I don’t want even a separation, much less a divorce. I still don’t, but I am not an idiot. So this morning, before work, I went to the bank and removed exactly half of the money from our joint accounts and opened new accounts at another bank, instructing the CSR to make specific notes on thew new accounts that no one is allowed to access the account without the password (so SSM and MMN alone won’t get her information). I am also cutting the direct deposit into the account, and this weekend I will change the locks. > > Now, please note that I am not asking for legal advice. I am asking for opinions on whether my doing this could be creepy, controlling, or manipulative. I have a history of engaging in such behavior and I am determined not to repeat it with Kim. I THINK I’m just being prudent, but I would not mind other opinions. I think that taking the money is smart as you don’t want to wind up with her cleaning out the accounts and you having to fight to get them back. The locks could be a tricky situation. I think that you might want to meet with a lawyer and figure out what your rights and duties are. I’m not saying that you should file for divorce but you really should definitely be prepared by knowing what the procedure is and what each of you is entitled to under the law. ---
**Author:** ![Oredigger77](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/oredigger77/32/3181_2.png) [@Oredigger77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oredigger77)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/40 "2009-08-06T19:53:59Z")
I think you’re doing the right thing with the money but I don’t think changing the locks is the right way to go. It pretty much says that you don’t trust her not to steal from you and you’ve already moved on with your life. I don’t remember who said it but I’d move items that are important to you to a room you can lock and lock that but leave the home open for her to return to. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550.md?page=3)