# Tell me if this behavior I am contemplating is creepy, controlling, or manipulative **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 6, 2009, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550 "2009-08-06T17:31:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![thirdwarning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecccb3/32.png) [@thirdwarning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thirdwarning)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/61 "2009-08-06T23:19:27Z")
That sounds like a wiser plan. I know it’s a bit riskier, but that’s part of being married. And I do agree with those who suggested talking to a lawyer ASAP, just to see where you stand. You might have options you haven’t thought of, or there might be limits on what you can do that haven’t come up here. Whatever happens, you and Kim are in my thoughts and prayers. (I hope that isn’t a touchy thing, under the circumstances.) This is such a tough place for you both to be. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2009, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/62 "2009-08-07T13:10:07Z")
> [@awldune](#): > > These seem like smart self-defensive moves, but they don’t send a message that you want to patch things up. If you want to send a message, contact Western Union. You are way, way under the controlling and manipulative threshold. As a matter of fact, you are still in what is known as the Casper Milquetoast mode. Get a lawyer, you have a bad situation on your hands, you aren’t looking after your own interests, and need legal help, pronto. Good luck. hh ---
**Author:** ![crazyjoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f14d63/32.png) [@crazyjoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crazyjoe)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2009, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/63 "2009-08-07T13:22:16Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I would never let her sleep in the car. I’d get a cheap apartment for myself and let her stay here first. Of course, she’s already gone. > > Thanks, everybody, for all the advice. I think **Rand Rover** and the others who advised that this made it look as if I were looking for a divorce are right. So my amended plan is to leave the locks as they are, but move sensitive papers and such into my sister’s safety deposit box, to which I have a key but my wife does not; and to set up an auto-transfer from the new account (to which the direct deposit will soon be going) to the old account, for half my paycheck, until things get sorted out. That way I can be sure that she has money to live on. I think you’re behaving honorably here, Skald. If I recall one of your descriptions of Kim was that she’s a pretty smart woman who has some issues from her past with being bullied, so softening up a bit is probably the right thing. But given how smart she is, if you say it caringly, she might understand how you’re torn as to how to react. While you generally think of her as trustworthy, kind, and caring, she also promised to love and cherish you (or something like that) for the rest of her life, and her actions are not meshing up with that. I think you should ask her to come to a counseling session with you, to someone mutually acceptable. Stress that the purpose is not to reconcile, but to simply facilitate an effective conversation between the two of you, since you don’t seem to be able to manage it on your own without getting emotional (which is not a knock against either of you, it’s just a plain fact of married life for plenty, if not most, couples). It will help both of you come to agreement on how things should proceed, whether with trial separation, or whatever. Good luck, Skald, and whatever the outcome, now is not the time to rush it. Especially given your wife’s history, pushing her is probably not the best way to show her you love her. ---
**Author:** ![crazyjoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f14d63/32.png) [@crazyjoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crazyjoe)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2009, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/64 "2009-08-07T13:36:32Z")
Another thing occurs to me…Kim was, for a very short time, a member here. Is there a way outside chance that she’s checking up on you here? ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2009, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/65 "2009-08-07T13:39:22Z")
I wouldn’t trust the spouse to not clean out the account. I’ve seen it happen too many times. Protect yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Woeg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/df705f/32.png) [@Woeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Woeg)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2009, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/66 "2009-08-07T14:14:44Z")
Sounds like you are taking the right steps - I came in here to advise a separate account, but a split direct deposit, NOT changing the locks (as that is illegal in many states), and taking any important or relevant documents and locking them in a safe deposit box. If you have anything else that you fear may be damaged, taken, or questionable as to who it belongs to, a storage unit would not be a bad idea. I’m not a praying man, but you are definitely in my thoughts. Hang in there, bro. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2009, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/67 "2009-08-07T14:41:06Z")
> [@Woeg](#): > > , NOT changing the locks (as that is illegal in many states), Zactly IIRC, in some states you cant even lock someone out who has never paid rent or doesnt have any sort of formal lease. If they have “lived” there long enough, there are legal procedures you have to go through to evict them. I think an SO definitely qualifies as someone who “lives” there. And if you do lock them out in the wrong state and they get the right lawyer you could pay BIG time for that transgression (which IMO is a crock of s\*\*\*, but thats a whole nuther discussion). Best of luck…just dont want to you to end up in legal trouble, sounds like you have enough problems already. ---
**Author:** ![Risha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/5fc32e/32.png) [@Risha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Risha)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2009, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/68 "2009-08-07T14:47:13Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Thanks, everybody, for all the advice. I think **Rand Rover** and the others who advised that this made it look as if I were looking for a divorce are right. So my amended plan is to leave the locks as they are, but move sensitive papers and such into my sister’s safety deposit box, to which I have a key but my wife does not; and to set up an auto-transfer from the new account (to which the direct deposit will soon be going) to the old account, for half my paycheck, until things get sorted out. That way I can be sure that she has money to live on. I think that this is the exact correct course to take. (And for the record, as everyone agreed, way below the creepy/controlling/manipulative level. But please keep checking in with us if there’s any doubt! I know you worry about falling back on old habits.) It protects yourself, doesn’t draw any irreparable lines in the sand (though it still may still hurt her feelings a little), and fulfills your responsibilities to her both morally, and in the eyes of the law if this eventually ends up in front of a judge. Do you know if she got an apartment, or went to a family member or friend? ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2009, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/69 "2009-08-07T17:05:54Z")
Another vote for being reasonable with the splitting accounts thing but a bit past reasonable with the door locks. Perhaps, if you’ve got valuables you’re wanting to protect, you can move them to a friend’s garage or storage building. I guess I see the logic in this, my now-ex-wife pawned my gun during the separation. EDIT: you don’t owe her half the paycheck, you owe her half of what’s left after you’ve covered the bills, especially the bills that deal with joint debt & property (mortgage & credit cards). ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2009, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/70 "2009-08-07T17:56:25Z")
I really should have done this when my ex moved out. Took me over 2 years to get around to closing the joint account and closing out her access to my money. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2009, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/71 "2009-08-07T18:49:56Z")
Moving all the money would be creepy or controlling. Moving half the money is reasonable. Moving all the direct deposit might not be the best thing as long as you’re still married and not separated (both legally and with keeping an eye toward reconciliation). I don’t know about your job, but at mine, I’m able to split my direct deposit into more than one account, by whatever amount I’d like. As has already bene hashed out by other people, the main thing that gives me pause is changing the locks. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2009, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/72 "2009-08-07T19:02:25Z")
She’s acting like she’s done with the marriage, no reason for **STR** to not act the same way. Probably a good idea to rethink locking her out of the community property, but spot on for taking half the money. Dude, you’re being as smart as you can for having been stirred up like this. Keeping an open heart(and wallet) is less likely to win her admiration than it is to make you an easier target for a fully leveraged sucker punch. Wimmin who want their marriage to work don’t move out. Keep your eyes on your fries and lawyer up, at least to put together a good defense for when she unleashes the lawyer she hasn’t hired. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2009, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/73 "2009-08-07T19:18:36Z")
A (female) friend of mine is separated, already moved out. She said her estranged husband recently got a traffic ticket for a couple hundred dollars, not a trivial amount to them…they’re struggling just to have enough to pay two rents etc. Even if you protect all the money, OP, you can’t control what debts she incurs and you may be on the hook for them as well. It’s really best to arrive at a decision ASAP. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [August 7, 2009, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/74 "2009-08-07T19:36:49Z")
> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > She’s acting like she’s done with the marriage, no reason for **STR** to not act the same way. Probably a good idea to rethink locking her out of the community property, but spot on for taking half the money. An important clue about her frame of mind might come from her new living arrangement. E.g. did she stay with friends while figuring out what to do or did she sign a year lease for an apt? ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/75 "2009-08-08T03:23:18Z")
> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > She’s acting like she’s done with the marriage, no reason for **STR** to not act the same way. Probably a good idea to rethink locking her out of the community property, but spot on for taking half the money. > Dude, you’re being as smart as you can for having been stirred up like this. Keeping an open heart(and wallet) is less likely to win her admiration than it is to make you an easier target for a fully leveraged sucker punch. Wimmin who want their marriage to work don’t move out. Keep your eyes on your fries and lawyer up, at least to put together a good defense for when she unleashes the lawyer she hasn’t hired. Oops, hope I’m not too late to add this: I heard somewhere that when they move out, they already have a new guy. Keep this in mind in how you distribute the money that YOU earn. hh ---
**Author:** ![Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heffalump_and_roo/32/7691_2.png) [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heffalump_and_Roo)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/76 "2009-08-08T05:46:33Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > That way I can be sure that she has money to live on. I’m glad to hear this. It wouldn’t occur to me to look after money before the relationship. I’m guessing that it’s easier for you to make back the money than it is for you to resurrect trust. Good luck with both. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 7:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/77 "2009-08-08T07:01:48Z")
Keep as much faith in yourself and in her as you possibly can. I’m glad that you can talk things out here and get differing opinions. > [@](#): > > **handsomeharry** : I heard somewhere that when they move out, they already have a new guy. Keep this in mind in how you distribute the money that YOU earn. Those pat little sayings that people “hear somewhere” fail to take into account the differences in people and situations. It’s emotionally unintelligent to make silly assumptions based on nothing. Remember, if she contributed to running the household in any way, she shares in the earnings. But he’s not looking at the letter of the law anyway. He loves her and wants to encourage her to come home. ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [August 8, 2009, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/78 "2009-08-08T21:41:35Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I would never let her sleep in the car. I’d get a cheap apartment for myself and let her stay here first. Of course, she’s already gone. > > Thanks, everybody, for all the advice. I think **Rand Rover** and the others who advised that this made it look as if I were looking for a divorce are right. So my amended plan is to leave the locks as they are, but move sensitive papers and such into my sister’s safety deposit box, to which I have a key but my wife does not; and to set up an auto-transfer from the new account (to which the direct deposit will soon be going) to the old account, for half my paycheck, until things get sorted out. That way I can be sure that she has money to live on. This sounds like a wiser course of action. Are you talking to a lawyer? That would be smart, even if you are not wanting a divorce, it’s still a good idea. You both have different rights and obligations to each other, and consulting with a lawyer sooner rather than later is always smart. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2009, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/79 "2009-08-10T17:06:07Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > I heard somewhere that when they move out, they already have a new guy. “I heard somewhere” is almost never a lead-in to sound advice. Even if it \*\*were \*\*true a majority of the time (which I doubt), it does not mean that it is the least bit accurate in this particular instance. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2009, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550/80 "2009-08-10T17:12:15Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > “I heard somewhere” is almost never a lead-in to sound advice. Even if it \*\*were \*\*true a majority of the time (which I doubt), it does not mean that it is the least bit accurate in this particular instance. I heard their periods attract bears. Nothing like some good old fashioned SDMB advice to make you feel like a different species for not having a y chromosome. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-if-this-behavior-i-am-contemplating-is-creepy-controlling-or-manipulative/505550.md?page=5)