# Tell Me What You Think Of My Songs (lyrics) **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 11, 2004, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-what-you-think-of-my-songs-lyrics/239446 "2004-04-11T12:14:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Stoner88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7bcc69/32.png) [@Stoner88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoner88)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2004, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-what-you-think-of-my-songs-lyrics/239446/1 "2004-04-11T12:14:40Z")
here are two of my songs, id like your honest oppinion on them please . . . * * * **Each More Day I Live** Each more day I live I seem to fall apart Love is crushing my fucking heart And I can’ take it any more Every day I see you It hurts me to believe in you It hurts to say good bye Why can’t we just be together? Fucking why? My cold heart grows colder As each time I miss you grows forever Each time I’m with you, my mind goes number My heart grows colder, my mind goes number, and my love grows older Tell me why I even bother Tell me why I even try I can’t see past the dark, the dark that is love, that is my heart Each more day I live I seem to fall apart Love is crushing my fucking heart And I can’ take it any more You are what I lived for You’re what made me whole I don’t understand any more You’re gone, save my soul * * * **Open Door** Kill me while I sleep tonight Nothing matters any more I will not fight Nor love forever more Death is like an open door Waiting for me to walk through Life has shut its eyes on me Living is the biggest flaw Nothing more does life hold for me Now I’m pathetic and lonely Why do I even try or bother She is what held my world together As life seems empty Darkness is all that’s left for me Life is now a living hell From happiness I have fell There shall be no more mercy Nothing matters anymore Death, an open door Awaits my arrival Living is the biggest flaw Darkness is all that’s left for me She, my sorrow and misery Is the only light that I can see Kill me while I sleep tonight Nothing matters any more Death is an open door I will not fight * * * thanx a lot guys, n gals. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Azteknology](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Lord\_Azteknology](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Azteknology)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2004, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-what-you-think-of-my-songs-lyrics/239446/2 "2004-04-11T13:04:14Z")
You show potential, a bit depressing but when ur singing bout getting ur heart shattered into pieces how could it not be, keep going, u will improve, mayb u should start trying to write guitar riffs for them???, n e way happy writting great work ---
**Author:** ![Omnipresent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8c91f0/32.png) [@Omnipresent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omnipresent)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2004, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-what-you-think-of-my-songs-lyrics/239446/3 "2004-04-11T23:59:31Z")
“Songs” aren’t “songs” unless there’s music. Anyone can write some nice phrasings but, put it to meter and see what you’ve got. Words without music is called “poetry”. I don’t like poetry so, it would be unfare of me to cast my judgement of your words. ---
**Author:** ![Excalibre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@Excalibre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Excalibre)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2004, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-what-you-think-of-my-songs-lyrics/239446/4 "2004-04-14T03:31:35Z")
Honestly? Sounds like pure, unadulterated teen angst. The stuff that’s not interesting once you hit about 19 and that you’ll be embarrassed to look back on in a few years. Sorry. I dunno if you lack the life experience to write anything else or if you just need to rein in the “i wanna die the world sucks so bad” stuff - but this isn’t gonna do it for anyone. If kinda dark, depressing subject matters interest you, look carefully at other lyrics and you’ll see better how to approach it without sounding quite so damn whiny. ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2004, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-what-you-think-of-my-songs-lyrics/239446/5 "2004-04-14T04:11:35Z")
Is that rap? Country? Jazz? How should I be “singing” those words in my head? Because I heard the first one as Linkin Park (specifically “In The End” but, really, don’t they all sound the same?) and the second as the newest Nickelback single (“Someday” or something but, again, they all sound pretty much the same…). I will say that if these songs are based on your real life and this girl really does exist, she’s not worth it. You’re probably young (I’d guess in the 14-16 range, although I could certainly be wrong) so don’t go wasting all your time and energy on some chick. That’s my honest opinion. I’ll give you some serious credit for having the balls to even post this. Opening yourself and your work to the public isn’t easy, especially when you’re asking for that public’s “honest oppinion”. I hope the things that are said here (or not said, for that matter) don’t discourage you from your work. ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2004, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-what-you-think-of-my-songs-lyrics/239446/6 "2004-04-14T04:51:01Z")
What **Excalibre** said. I probably would’ve loved songs with lyrics like that when I was 19. Now–eh, if it sounds good, I’d listen to it more than once. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2004, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-what-you-think-of-my-songs-lyrics/239446/7 "2004-04-14T04:56:19Z")
Moving this to Cafe Society. ---
**Author:** ![Tenar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@Tenar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tenar)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2004, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-what-you-think-of-my-songs-lyrics/239446/8 "2004-04-14T05:05:39Z")
I concur in applauding your guts in posting this. Bravo! The Dopers can be a rough crowd. At the risk of sounding too old to live, is there any way for you to express your despair/frustration/anger without saying “fuck”? I understand that the harshness of the word is indicative of your mood, (or, more properly, the mood of the speaker), but it’s a little off-putting. Believe me, there are ways of letting us in on how you feel without driving us out of the room, rap lyrics notwithstanding. Keep on writing, and thanks for letting us in on your work. (And if, as I guess most of us are assuming, the lyrics are based on your feelings in the present moment, I hope you find your way out of the dark. If the only thing that keeps you hanging in there is morbid curiosity about what fresh hell lurks around the corner, then so be it. Just hang in there and keep writing.) ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2004, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-what-you-think-of-my-songs-lyrics/239446/9 "2004-04-14T05:44:05Z")
The music really matters here, also what’s you intended audience demographic? As others have indicated, by themselves your lyrics come off mostly as adolescent moaning, but there have been great songs with disjoint lyrics because the music pulled it together. Your lyrics do seen kind of well… (and don’t take this wrong way it’s just my opinion, you could be a lyrical miracle for all I know) a bit clumsy, in the sense of somebody trying to express themselves that can’t use language very well. There’s little if any interesting imagery or grace or even a “story” in the structure, it’s mainly just a lot of repetitive pissing and moaning. You need to tell a story about _something_. Here’s some partial lyrics from various artists that scaffold the song for the music > [@](#): > > The Cure - Just Like Heaven > > Show me how you do that trick > The one that makes me scream she said > The one that makes me laugh she said > And threw her arms around my neck > Show me how you do it and I promise you > I promise that I’ll run away with you > I’ll run away with you > > Spinning on that dizzy edge > I kissed her face and kissed her head > And dreamed of all the different ways I had > To make her glow > Why are you so far away? she said > Why won’t you ever know that I’m in love with you? > That I’m in love with you? > [@](#): > > RHCH -GIVE IT AWAY > Realize I don’t want to be a miser > Confide wisely you’ll be the wiser > Young blood is the lovin’ upriser > How come everybody wanna keep it like the kaiser > > Give it away give it away give it away now > Give it away give it away give it away now > Give it away give it away give it away now > I can’t tell iff I’m a king pin or a pauper > > Greedy little people in a sea of distress > Keep your more to receive your less > Unimpressed by material excess > Love is free love me say hell yes > [@](#): > > B Springsteen > HUNGRY HEART > > Got a wife and kids in Baltimore, Jack > I went out for a ride and I never went back > Like a river that don’t know where it’s flowing > I took a wrong turn and I just kept going > [@](#): > > T Waits- Cemetery Polka > Uncle Vernon, Uncle Vernon, independent as a hog on ice > He’s a big shot down there at the slaughterhouse > Plays accordion for Mr. Weiss > Uncle Biltmore and Uncle William > Made a million during World War Two > But they’re tightwads and they’re cheapskates > And they’ll never give a dime to you > Auntie Mame has gone insane > She lives in the doorway of an old hotel > And the radio is playing opera > All she ever says is Go to hell ---
**Author:** ![Jurph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/50afbb/32.png) [@Jurph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jurph)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2004, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-what-you-think-of-my-songs-lyrics/239446/10 "2004-04-14T06:41:24Z")
I’m sure there are others, but Everything2 is a great place to get your writing critiqued (and learn some cool stuff, too). I’m an editor there, and I’ve got seven years of poetry writing (and several _very_ amateur editing positions) under my belt; take my opinion with as many grains of salt as you wish. My opinion on your writing – and that’s just the lyrics – is that they’re a good draft, but they’re a brain dump. It doesn’t look like you rewrote these after the first or second try. Don’t feel that the emotion is somehow going to disappear if you rewrite; the work will get better, even if it isn’t as “raw”. What do I mean by “raw”? You’ve got some inconsistencies in your meter; your use of repetition within lines doesn’t seem to have a focus. You rhymed “older” and “colder”, which isn’t forbidden, but it _has_ been done a few times. There are lots of articles you can read about [cleaning up drafts](http://www.everything2.org/index.pl?node_id=990271) . If you want your writing to stand out, you’re going to need to do some rewrites. Now: I gave you the crappy news to give you the good news. It takes a lot of balls to get up in front of any kind of crowd and pour yourself out there. Posting online, reading & singing at a coffeehouse, and sending in actual paper copies is **brutal**. Until you get the experience to be able to turn a critical eye on your own work, having other people steer you in the right direction (and getting the confidence to keep asking!) is a great way to sharpen your pencil. ---
**Author:** ![Excalibre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@Excalibre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Excalibre)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2004, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-what-you-think-of-my-songs-lyrics/239446/11 "2004-04-14T12:10:54Z")
> [@Jurph](#): > > I’m sure there are others, but Everything2 is a great place to get your writing critiqued (and learn some cool stuff, too). Oh, God, just what Everything2 needs - it doesn’t have anywhere near enough angsty poetry as it is. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Jurph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/50afbb/32.png) [@Jurph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jurph)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2004, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-what-you-think-of-my-songs-lyrics/239446/12 "2004-04-14T15:28:39Z")
**Excalibre** , you know that if it’s truly horrible, it gets critiqued by some really excellent writers (yourself included). Even angsty poetry gets feedback from some seriously good writers. Igloowhite is a college poetry professor; JohnnyGoodyear writes professional columns for a magazine; jessicapierce is a novelist among other things; iceowl works in Antarctica as a technical writer; Lucy-S had a column published that made the front page of Slashdot. They’re good writers, and posting poetry (angsty or not) there gets you feedback from people who know writing. ---
**Author:** ![Monkeypants](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecd19e/32.png) [@Monkeypants](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monkeypants)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2004, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-what-you-think-of-my-songs-lyrics/239446/13 "2004-04-14T20:39:07Z")
_It hurts to say good bye_ You can do it. Keep trying. _Tell me why I even bother Tell me why I even try_ Wish I could. _Kill me while I sleep tonight_ Gladly. ---
**Author:** ![MovieMogul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f08c70/32.png) [@MovieMogul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MovieMogul)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2004, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-me-what-you-think-of-my-songs-lyrics/239446/14 "2004-04-14T21:22:16Z")
I’m reminded of the scene in _Singin’ in the Rain_ where Don Lockwood, when obliged to provide servicable dialogue in a romantic scene, simply repeats “I Love You I Love You I Love You I Love You I Love You I Love You” over and over again. It’s not enough to be sincere, or to bare your heart out in your words (both of which are clearly evident in your contribution). What’s essential is something unexpected–an interesting image, a memorable turn-of-phrase, a developing arc, or unexpected flashes of humor or playfulness (especially in songs that are downbeat). Your expression of feelings (while obviously heartfelt) is too literal, too obvious. Creative writing often puts some responsibility on the reader/listener to interpret meaning from the words, especially when you’re dealing with universal emotions. The sentiments you’re expressing aren’t exactly new–that’s why it’s necessary to provide a perspective that’s different/provocative/original, not just personal. Otherwise, you risk a Been-There-Heard-That reaction. Thanks for posting and good luck with your continued efforts. 🙂