# Tell the Funniest Joke You Know... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 15, 2019, 6:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549 "2019-06-15T06:58:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Aspenglow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aspenglow/32/76_2.png) [@Aspenglow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aspenglow)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549/41 "2019-06-17T03:09:56Z")
> [@california\_jobcase](#): > > Somewhere in the old west, a dog limps into a bar. He snarls “I’m a-lookin’ fer the man who shot my paw!” This one cracked me up. 😃 Thank you! ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549/42 "2019-06-17T04:09:02Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > Maybe not the funniest, but the one that has stuck with me for it’s brevity: > > Where do you get virgin wool? Ugly sheep. > > I told that once at work and from around the corner we heard the youngish file girl say, “That’s not funny!” Seems it struck a nerve with her? Congratulations? You made someone uncomfortable and you’re happy or proud enough to pst about it? ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549/43 "2019-06-17T05:02:53Z")
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.” ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549/44 "2019-06-17T05:25:23Z")
_I read this one, with some slight changes, years ago._ The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store & thought, “That’s what I need - a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck.” Again, Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?” Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see … 9-1/2 E.” Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure.” The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see… size 36.” Joe laughed. “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head, "You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache. ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 6:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549/45 "2019-06-17T06:32:19Z")
I was having lunch with Charles Manson when he turned to me and asked, “is it cold in here or am a crazy?” ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 11:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549/46 "2019-06-17T11:47:31Z")
> [@VOW](#): > > Warning! This joke is notoriously politically INcorrect! > > Why does Helen Keller play the piano with one hand? > > Answer: She sings with the other. > ~VOW Q. How did Helen Keller meet her husband? A. On a blind date. Q. Why are Helen Keller’s pants legs yellow? A. Her dog is blind too. Q. How did Helen Keller burn her fingers? A. She was trying to read the waffle iron. ---
**Author:** ![ftg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ftg/32/2801_2.png) [@ftg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ftg)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 11:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549/47 "2019-06-17T11:59:49Z")
> [@Lumpy](#): > > A marriage counselor has a famous couple come to his office: Mickey and Minnie Mouse. Mickey looks angry, Minnie looks embarrassed. > > The counselor asks Mickey why they’ve come, and after sputtering a few times Mickey says “I can’t even say it out loud!”. The counselor replies “well, can you whisper it in my ear?” After a moment Mickey does so. > > The counselor thinks for a few moments and then says “what makes you say she’s crazy”? > > “I didn’t say she was crazy!” Mickey replies > > The counselor responds “You said she was fuckin’ goofy”. The version I like best: The judge tells Mickey: “I’m sorry, you can’t divorce Minnie because she’s insane.” Mickey: "I didn’t say she was insane, I said she was … " (I do the actual Mickey voice.) ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549/48 "2019-06-17T12:11:36Z")
People laughed when I told them I was going to become a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549/49 "2019-06-17T13:26:59Z")
One joke that couldn’t get past the Saturday Night Live censors: If Helen Keller was alone in the forest and fell, would she make a sound? Spinks, Woods, and Bryant walk into a sports bar. Bartender looks at them and says “Leon and Tiger and Bear, oh my!” ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549/50 "2019-06-17T13:45:58Z")
This one came from a comic book, so it’s mostly a visual joke. Still, it works great, as long as you make the faces right. A woman answers the door of her house, and finds a strange there. “I’m sorry, Ma’am”, he says, but I ran over a cat, and I think it’s yours. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" She says, “Well, first, let’s be certain that it was my cat. What did it look like?” (Man/joke teller makes face and hand positions as if he’s something dead that just got run over) “No, no,” she tells him. “What did it look like before you ran over it?” (Man/joke teller holds hands outward and makes face of terror, as if a speeding car is bearing down on him.) ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549/51 "2019-06-17T14:14:17Z")
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549/52 "2019-06-17T14:22:17Z")
A baby seal walks into a club. ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549/53 "2019-06-17T14:26:54Z")
Did you hear about the two radio antennae who got married? The ceremony was fine, but the reception was great. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549/54 "2019-06-17T15:08:54Z")
What’s invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts. ---
**Author:** ![Patch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a183cd/32.png) [@Patch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patch)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549/55 "2019-06-17T15:57:20Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > A baby seal walks into a club. A Harp seal walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What will you have?” The seal replies, “Anything but a Canadian Club.” ---
**Author:** ![pkbites](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pkbites/32/204_2.png) [@pkbites](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pkbites)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549/56 "2019-06-17T16:11:47Z")
This one is much better told in person due to the word play: Why is an elephant like a Timex watch. They both come in quartz ---
**Author:** ![Snake\_Plissken\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Snake\_Plissken\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snake_Plissken_1)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549/57 "2019-06-17T16:12:30Z")
I can’t tell the jokes because they’re too dirty…but here are the punchlines: Joke #1: “Besides, I’m not going to mess with any son-of-a-bitch that can eat that much ice cream.” Joke #2: “Because ol’ Wong; he don’t go for that shit, either!” Joke #3: “Who can fuck in weather like this?” I know someone out there knows these jokes and the ‘gentleman’ who told them. ---
**Author:** ![pkbites](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pkbites/32/204_2.png) [@pkbites](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pkbites)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549/58 "2019-06-17T16:22:48Z")
> [@Snake\_Plissken](#): > > Joke #2: "Because ol’ Wong; he don’t go for that shit, either! That was one of the jokes my step-grandpa told me when I was a kid. He was the perfect guy to tell it to kids, too. A disgusting man who chewed 9 tins of Copenhagen a day and wore a red plaid cap with ear flaps down. He had emphysema so he always breathed like he was making an obscene phone call. ---
**Author:** ![Jeff\_Lichtman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jeff_lichtman/32/1531_2.png) [@Jeff\_Lichtman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jeff_Lichtman)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549/59 "2019-06-17T18:18:07Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > I’m busy. I don’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![HubZilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ccd318/32.png) [@HubZilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HubZilla)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2019, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549/60 "2019-06-17T19:15:42Z")
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb, the other to SUCK MY DICK. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-the-funniest-joke-you-know/835549.md?page=4)