This is one of the funniest and best-written pans of a book in this entire thread. Thank you!
I was going to say V.C. Andrews as well. I read the “Flowers in the Attic” series as a teenager in the '80s and actually enjoyed it. But when I started reading the first book of her then-new series (I forget the title, but it was around 1990) and realized that they were all the same premise (neglected children, evil grandmother, etc.) I couldn’t continue without wanting to slit my wrists. Make sure you’re not already suffering from depression if you try to read her stuff.
There was a novel I had to read when I went back to school for Grade 12 English in 1999 - I can’t remember the name but it was about these 3 kids whose mother abandons them in a car in a shopping mall parking lot so they leave and search out their estranged grandmother. It was AWFUL. I remember 3 pages being dedicated to descriptions of how each kid licked their ice cream cone. The only reason I read it was because I had to write a book report on it and I remember writing the report saying how much the book sucked.
OH yeah. I had a $10 gift certificate to a bookstore and was looking for some mystery/thrillers by an author I hadn’t read before. There was a display of his books so I picked up a couple of them. I foolishly read all the way through one of them; the other has been stinking up my TBR pile for at least two years now. I hate to throw away a book, but I think I’ll make an exception.
Now, now. Don’t hold it against Faulkner. After all, he was obviously not familiar with this “getting to a point” concept.
The thing about VC Andrews is that she only actually wrote 4 books. The Flowers in the Attic books and My Sweet Audrina. The rest were written after her death by other writers trying to copy her style. Apparently the truth in advertising laws do not apply to the publishing industry.
Well, sure. Just ask Carolyn Keene and Franklin W. Dixon.
To Elendil’s Heir:
snort!
I can’t remember who “wrote” the Bobbsey Twins books, but that was another perpetual author.
~VOW
Homecoming by Cynthia Voigt. I read it for English class too, and disliked it heartily.
I came in to mention this one. What a nightmare of a book. I kept reading just because I thought it had to get better. It did not.
No problem. I guess I’ve been saving that one for a while.
Ha. At least with Faulkner, though, you get to chase wild kudzu around a bit while wondering how many braincells you’d have to lose to have an internal monologue like one of his characters’.
Another vote for Canticle for Leibowitz. I was determined to like that book (I like postapocalyptic fiction) but I couldn’t even get through it as an audiobook. I can get through almost *anything *as an audiobook.
Anything by Piers Anthony. His first *Xanth *book was moderately readable, but each successive one got worse and worse until I finally gave up. As for his *Incarnations of Immortality *series: *On a Pale Horse *is good. The rest of them are dreck. (I’m amazed we made it through three pages without any other mention of Anthony.)
The first, fifth and sixth books of the *Dark Tower *series. Especially the first one. Damn, that was a long sit. Another one I had to resort to audiobook to get through. And the last two were self-indulgent crap. (I say this as a lifelong King fan.)
The Silmarillion. Day-um, that book was boring. I admit I read it at a much younger age (like teenage), but I doubt I’d like it any better now.
I’d hesitantly mention Catcher in the Rye, which I always tell people that, while I didn’t like it, a lot of people do and go read it if you want.
I can’t say that for Cities in Flight, a long-winded, completely absurd, tedious collection of 4 novels by James Blish. It is the only work I actively advise people to not read.
It’s been 15 or 16 years since I read it, and the ending still makes me grumpy.
Agreed. Ken Follet is very presentist in all of his historical novels.
I’m a Tolkien junkie, and I struggled through it in high school. But I’ve read it twice since, and liked it more each time. The pieces fall into place and you get a better sense of the arc of the stories. I encourage you to try again.
Anything by Jodi Picoult. Formulaic, annoying, and yet beloved by book clubs.
Crap. I just read about House of Leaves and liked the concept so that I immediately ordered it. According to the reviews this is a very disturbing and scary book. I like disturbing, scary and weird. Should I cancel my order?
Some books I would not recommend to people are the later books by Michael Crighton. His first books all felt really well researched and written, but from Timeline onward the technology got more and more unrealistic, and the plots were more like rehashing of his earlier books (Prey was almost identical to Sphere).
Another book I wouldn’t recommend is the Bible. Poorly written, self-contradictory, no unifying narrative, and the ending is too surreal and will leave you unsatisfied.
AND Hannibal Rising. Easily the worst sequel and prequel to the two best books.
That depends on what you’re looking for. It is not a “slasher” horror book. Very little of the scary bits are active, in your face, Nasty Dangerous Thing threats. I think this makes the few times when there are active, overt threats extremely effective; I’m thinking of especially one surprise action, and a somewhat more extended scene where a few people are in peril.
Much of it is psychological horror, especially not knowing what is or isn’t real - the layers of the story even make you feel like you’re not sure about reality, as real-world celebrities and authors are referred to, bibliographies are given, there are notes from multiple editors in the margins of the main story (which evolve into stories of their own), and so on. There are multiple narrators involved; one will admit (once) directly to you the reader, to not being reliable. Many of the participants experience a creeping uneasiness and slow descent into madness, either from exposure to the titular House or merely from investigating or reading the story about it. There are supernatural events and something awful, nameless, timeless, lurking in the darkness.
This is also a story of relationships, most of them dysfunctional in one way or another, and about how all of these flawed and very human people react to what’s going on in the book. So you’ll have to deal with that, but I think it’s important in the context of the book and how things work out (or don’t) in the end.
Oh, and there are lots of typographical/layout techniques used to set the mood. Text may run on and on for no apparent reason (I think to evoke the feeling of droning, perhaps chanting), different fonts are assigned to different editors, text color is used, parts are struck through or redacted or “lost,” codes are inserted in places, and you may find text swirling across pages or skipping around, used effectively for things like chasing or falling.
You may love the book, or hate it, or both. You may find trying to follow two concurrent, only occasionally converging, story lines running at the same time on the main page vs. in the footnotes (with footnoted story occasionally taking over completely) frustrating or intriguing.
I really enjoyed it, and didn’t love everything about it. I’ve re-read it a few times. And occasionally when it’s dark and quiet, I may still feel a little thrill of horror at something that evokes a memory of the book. Even the opening phrase, which I typically associate with Pearl Jam, “This is not for you.” And I feel a bit of quiet terror at the concept of having to measure a room’s dimensions, lest I discover they don’t quite work out.
I hate Diana Gabaldon’s books. Her fascination with male on male rape is just a tad off-putting.
And her descriptions all sound the same–she reuses the same phrases too much.