# Tell us why you are the (third) greatest Doper of them all. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 15, 2008, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721 "2008-09-15T17:53:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2008, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721/41 "2008-09-16T16:02:53Z")
I always get dressed up in suit and tie (with cuff links) before I read the Dope let alone post even if I am home alone. Even in parts of the 3rd world where internet access is rare, missionaries pass out printed copies of some of my more notable posts. They have been translated into 89 languages so far and they are used as primary teaching materials for impoverished elementary school children. If you give me a topic, I guarantee you that I will have some bizarre story that is marginally related to it. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2008, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721/42 "2008-09-16T16:47:22Z")
I should qualify for some level of greatness for managing to read the whole thread thus far without hurling. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2008, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721/43 "2008-09-16T18:14:29Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > I should qualify for some level of greatness for managing to read the whole thread thus far without hurling. No. We do have some minimum standards. The ability to read silliness without emesis is one of them. Next! ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2008, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721/44 "2008-09-16T18:21:23Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > No. We do have some minimum standards. The ability to read silliness without emesis is one of them. > Next! You are utterly brilliant. In thanks for that post, I am calling off the 75,00 pizzas I was going to have delivered to your house tonight. ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Woodhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/838e76/32.png) [@Miss\_Woodhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Woodhouse)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2008, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721/45 "2008-09-16T20:20:09Z")
I bake cookies. I bake cookies that make anorexics go off their diets. Even evil god-kings can not resist them. But I really only aspire to the top ten. You can put me in at number 9. ---
**Author:** ![Tripler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripler/32/21807_2.png) [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2008, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721/46 "2008-09-16T21:19:10Z")
Because today, I set up and detonated 1 1/2 lbs of TNT, 1 1/2 lbs of C-4, and a stick of dynamite. Yes. I did. And as I pulled the igniters, I hollered _“Hail Cecil!”_ Tripler . . . and I can still count to twenty-one. ---
**Author:** ![Stauderhorse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Stauderhorse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stauderhorse)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2008, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721/47 "2008-09-16T21:31:54Z")
Because I invented bacon. And cats, of course.\* \*The above statement(s) have not been approved by the FDA. YMMV. Caveat emptor, mea culpa, etc. and so forth. ---
**Author:** ![vetbridge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5e925/32.png) [@vetbridge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vetbridge)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2008, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721/48 "2008-09-16T21:40:54Z")
Please remove my name from consideration. I do not want the accolades. In fact, if drafted, I will not run; if nominated, I will not accept; if elected, I will not serve. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2008, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721/49 "2008-09-16T22:21:14Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > You are utterly brilliant. In thanks for that post, I am calling off the 75,00 pizzas I was going to have delivered to your house tonight. And therefore deserving of a slot, no? I’ll take 6th. I’m willing to work with you. I nominate **vetbridge** as the anti-Doper. ---
**Author:** ![Gangster\_Octopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a8b319/32.png) [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2008, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721/50 "2008-09-16T22:27:58Z")
It’s fairly obvious why I am the fifth…third…greatest doper. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2008, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721/51 "2008-09-16T23:08:10Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > And therefore deserving of a slot, no? I’ll take 6th. I’m willing to work with you. > I nominate **vetbridge** as the anti-Doper. I think we should force vetbridge to take the fourth spot, actually (Silver Tyger Girl has pointed out why she is obviously #3), jst for the comedy value. You can have the fifth spot, though, the better to keep the assassins distracted. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2008, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721/52 "2008-09-16T23:16:31Z")
Sampiro is numero uno, no question. Skald is just kidding himself/herself. I am 142. And I’m lying in wait for 143. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2008, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721/53 "2008-09-16T23:20:06Z")
> [@The\_Second\_Stone](#): > > Sampiro is numero uno, no question. Skald is just kidding himself/herself. > > I am 142. And I’m lying in wait for 143. First, I’m a he. I just checked my penises to be sure. Second, _I_ said Sampiro was number one in the first place. Third, I never said I was the mysterious unnamed poster. That would be egotistical, and I’m way too cool for that. Fourth, why are you lyig in wait for the person BENEATH you in the rankings? If you’re gonna be on your stomach in the long grass like that, risking velociraptor attacks, you should at least be gunning for someone in the top 10. Kids today… ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2008, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721/54 "2008-09-16T23:27:08Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > First, I’m a he. I just checked my penises to be sure. > > Second, _I_ said Sampiro was number one in the first place. > > Third, I never said I was the mysterious unnamed poster. That would be egotistical, and I’m way too cool for that. > > Fourth, why are you lyig in wait for the person BENEATH you in the rankings? If you’re gonna be on your stomach in the long grass like that, risking velociraptor attacks, you should at least be gunning for someone in the top 10. > > Kids today… Well, I have four penises. Even though it sounds udderly ridiculous. Yes, I saw you named our very gay librarian, I was agreeing with you. Truman Capote is no longer the best gay writer America has produced. No, you didn’t say you were number two, but we know your secret thoughts by using Bob Woodward’s new Manhattan Project, and really, you’re just kidding yourself. And my looking for 143 is an old joke, I won’t spoil it for someone with your wicked bad googling skills. Keywords also including Irving and fastest. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2008, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721/55 "2008-09-16T23:28:52Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Fourth, why are you lyig in wait for the person BENEATH you in the rankings? If you’re gonna be on your stomach in the long grass like that, risking velociraptor attacks, you should at least be gunning for someone in the top 10. > > Kids today… Apparently, having multiple penises has resulted in you losing some gray matter. Lying wait for 143 is all part of his Dastardly Plot. Try to keep up. I will be over here, distracting people with my great and terrible beauty and handing out snacks. ---
**Author:** ![Terrifel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c68b51/32.png) [@Terrifel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrifel)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2008, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721/56 "2008-09-16T23:32:05Z")
I’m the third-greatest Doper because I form the left arm, which projects the indestructible energy shield. When fighting together with the four other greatest Dopers, our powers combine to assemble the mighty **MegaDoper Galaxy Omega**! Also, I’ve got your nose. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2008, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721/57 "2008-09-16T23:32:22Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Apparently, having multiple penises has resulted in you losing some gray matter. Lying wait for 143 is all part of his Dastardly Plot. Try to keep up. > I will be over here, distracting people with my great and terrible beauty and handing out snacks. Eleanor, I suspect our boy is just too young or too old. Either that or he doesn’t follow his mother’s wishes. Probably uses only one set of dishes. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2008, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721/58 "2008-09-16T23:39:31Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Apparently, having multiple penises has resulted in you losing some gray matter. Lying wait for 143 is all part of his Dastardly Plot. Try to keep up. > I will be over here, distracting people with my great and terrible beauty and handing out snacks. If said distraction involves flashing the boobage, I’m afraid we’ll need photographic citation to make sure you’re fulfilling your duties. **Second Stone** , I’d reply to your slander if I knew what the deuce you were talking about. I’m going to go ahead and release the monkeys anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Tripler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripler/32/21807_2.png) [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2008, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721/59 "2008-09-16T23:39:55Z")
> [@Terrifel](#): > > When fighting together with the four other greatest Dopers, our powers combine to assemble the mighty **MegaDoper Galaxy Omega**! Wait, what’s your superpower? Three of you turn into a mongoose while the other into a cup of water? Tripler See, at least _I_ have telepathetic powers. I cover one eye and they radiate —\> :smack: ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2008, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721/60 "2008-09-17T01:44:31Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > **Second Stone** , I’d reply to your slander if I knew what the deuce you were talking about. I’m going to go ahead and release the monkeys anyway. I am informed that written defamation is libel. And since spoilers are over, it’s Irving, the 142nd fastest gun in the West. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tell-us-why-you-are-the-third-greatest-doper-of-them-all/463721.md?page=4)