Fly-blown sheep.
For those of you who don’t know what that is, may I suggest google.
I came home from a weekend vacation, and the slidng glass balcony door was left open. The screendoor was closed, I have shoji screens instead of curtains, and I live on the second floor so I thought it was alright. I sit down on the floor, and there’s a bee on my cushion! Yikes!
It was dead, so I picked up the cushion to ceremoniously bury the animal off the balcony. Open the shoji screen, and there’s thousands of dead and dying bees between the screen and the door. Yuck! The screendoor does NOTHING!
It was really nice of the apartment complex to bomb a local hive and not check to see if the tenants had their windows closed.
Then I had the bright idea of using the vacuum to clean up the bees… bad idea. The smell was indescribeable, and even after changing the bag the vacuum stunk up the apartment so I had to replace it. 
Bzzzzzzzzz
-k
Sorry, but I don’t want to type it out twice.
But I think it’s a pretty darned good story. The good stuff is about 5 posts down. Apologies for length, I was feeling “colorful”.
I think I’ve related this here before, so I’ll stick to the condensed version.
Way back in the eighties, I shared a house with some roaches.
One day, I was horrified to see a roach wander across the LED display on the microwave oven – on the inside of the plastic. Repulsed by the thought of a bug on the inside of an appliance purpose-built for food preparation, I moved the microwave onto the kitchen table and removed it’s case. Hundreds of panicked roaches immediately spilled out, over the table, onto the floor up my arms, everywhere. The roach-density in there was incomprehensible. It was packed-- although I’d never seen a single one inside the oven area itself-- either they lived exclusively in the electronics side, subsisting on the nutritive condensate that collected there, or roaches are a lot cagier than I ever suspected.
When they spilled out of that thing, it made the “They Just Creep Up On You” segment of Creepshow look like a happy-fluffy-bunny daydream. Ugh, my ears and scalp are itching just thinking about it.
“With God as my witness, I’ll never cohabitate with roaches again!”
Some time after that, I had a dirty hippie friend who had rats for pets in his small apartment. He also had one humid room set aside to grow weed in. Yeah, in an apartment. The thing is, the rats were rarely in cages-- they had the run of the place. That wasn’t the disturbing part- the disturbing part was his rationale for giving the rats free reign: they helped to keep the roaches down.
Yup-- the few times I went over to visit him there, we’d be sitting watching a movie or some damned thing, smoking huge quantities of weed, and trying to ignore the rats pouncing on the roaches every few minutes. Aaaaaaaaagh. Aaaaaaagh!!
Now the itch has moved from my scalp and my ears all the way down my back.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the shower.
Well, this one time, when my sister was sleeping I snuck into her room and… wait. Insect!!! Oh, whoops nevermind then.
Ooh, I just remembered another one (second hand, unfortunately). A friend of a friend grew up in an exceedingly filthy home; her parents had apparently never grokked the concept of cleaning, and thus would leave food everywhere, the floor was covered by several layers of ancient clothing, etc. It was hideous.
Due to all the stale organic matter left laying around, the house was heavily infested by cockroaches. Upon walking into the house, you would immediately be accosted by them; periodically, you would have to shake your pants legs to remove any that might have crawled up. What cinched this story in my mind as a true insect horror story rather than a run-of-the-mill infestation was the fact that, if you had an open container of food or beverage, the cockroaches would divebomb you from the ceiling, often with uncanny accuracy into your container of food; if they missed, they’d usually get caught in your hair.
My ex-boyfriend kept a nasty house. One time I went over and made spaghetti for dinner, and we sat down to eat. As I was chewing a bite (about halfway through dinner), I felt something rough in my mouth. I got it on the tip of my tongue, and wiped it on my napkin. It was a roach leg. How it got in the pot, I don’t know. Where the rest of the roach was, I never want to know. Ugh, I need Tums…
Ooh! There was an insect story to beat all insect stories posted a while ago on this board. It creeped me right the hell out. Here it is: http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&postid=3579143&highlight=insects+shower+mouth#post3579143
I rented a house in South Florida which had an outside closet for the water heater and other stuff. When I moved in I thought it was a perfect place to store the dog food. And it was, for about 10 hours, which is about how long the bag of dog food had been in the closet when I reached into it to grab the big plastic Mickey D’s cup in order to feed my dog. When I withdrew my arm there were approximately 50,000,000 cockroaches on it. Which wasn’t as bad as the 60,000,000 cockroaches that crawled up my legs.
shudder
**This is not my story, I want to make it clear. **
My neighbor was once stung near the arsehole by a bee whilst canoeing.
Somehow or other the bee decided to do a crack dive on her pants, got lost and stung her.
The rest of the story is pretty much lost on me as this neighbor tells it so hysterically, that I practically pee my pants every time I think about it, but somehwere in there is a line from her
bellowing in pure pain to her husband, " Do you see the stinger?"
“No.” He yells back, mad, " All I see is an asshole."
Oh, and this quickie from a client of mine traveling in China.
“Bob, how was that hotel I got for you?”
“eh, it wasn’t bad. When I turned on the lights to the room, the entire bed moved.”
“Moved?”
"Yeah, it was covered entirely by cockroachs. Needless to say, I moved to another hotel. "
My mom’s coffe machine was infested by ants. She pulled the pot out, and there were a couple of ants on top, so she looked into the top of the machine, and there were a whole bunch of ants scuttling around. It was weird. I have no idea how the ants got there or how long they were there and being brewed into coffee before she noticed it.
I once was eating a Rice Krispies treat, the kind that comes in a plastic wrapper, not a home made one. There was a little black spot on it, which I thought was just a burnt Krispie. It turned out to be a bug, which wasn’t just stuck to the marshmallow goop, it was actually covered, so it was in there when the treat was made. I pulled it off and considered eating the rest of my snack, but I decided against it and had some chips instead.
And not so gross as weird: my school is infested with ladybugs. You’ll just be sitting there, minding your own business, and a ladybug will fall from the ceiling onto your desk. There are ladybug corpses on all the windowsills. They’re some kind of Asian ladybug, and some have spots and some don’t. It’s kind of cool, actually.
Two stories: First was when I was replacing some windows on a house, as I pried off the outside moulding, it broke, and a gazillion carpenter ants flew into my face, hair, and person. :eek:
I dropped my tool belt, and started pulling off my clothes while beating the critters off of me-I’d like to have of video of my antics for sure.
Darn near down to my knickers, I was bug free, but still took an extra long shower when I got home.
Second story: as my eyes first focused one morning, I saw a brown object on the pillow about an inch from my face. It appeared to be roughly the size of 1966 Mercury. Naked man leaps backwards from bed-sports Don King hairstyle-hilarity ensues, would have been the Fark descriptor. My kitty babies had brought me a gift-a brown cricket coated with catspit.
Next time, just pick up a bottle of Absolut, thanks.
A buddy of mine worked on rehabs in the city. They went in and put in new kitchens and baths so the places would be ready to rent. He was authorized to carry a pistol to ward off the muggers, and he had to tape the bottom of his pant legs to his boots so the mice and roaches couldn’t run up his legs.
One time I opened up one of those Lipton packages of parmesan noodles and cooked them. It had been sitting in my cupboard for a little while, but didn’t think anything of it, knowing that the package had been sealed the whole time. I served myself a bowl of the noodles and sat down to begin eating. After I had eaten a couple bites I took a closer look and discovered several weevils embedded in the noodle/sauce mixture. Needless to say I threw out the rest of the batch. I didn’t get sick, but I didn’t feel like eating for awhile after that incident.
yBeayf, my sister did the exact same thing one summer. Luckily for her, the swelling wasn’t too bad, just painful as hell.
Hmmm… where to start.
There I was, sitting in my roach infested apartment. Drinking blackberry brandy, neat. In the dark. Don’t Ever Do That.
Last summer I sucked up a big black ant through a straw.
And one that was bad enough, but could have been worse. My buddy and I had been camping on Madeline Island. We were loading the van to go. He walked up with an armload of towels and sweatshirts, laid them down…and gave a mighty gasp of horror. (And he’s not even arachnophobic) A huge wolf spider was nestled right on top of the pile. It was snuggled up to him the whole time! ::Shudder::
I am arachnophobic. What if he hadn’t seen it? It would have been loose in the van. It would have crawled up my leg as I was driving 65 mph down the highway. I would have promptly wrapped us around a tree.
My skin is crawling right off my body, looking for a safe place to whimper in terror.
These are mostly second-hand, and only the second really lives up to some of the other stories here:
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When he was a kid, my husband was sent outside with a can of wasp-killer spray to spray a nest of wasps/hornets/whatever they were. He decided that burning up the nest would be even faster, so he got a lighter and turned the can into a homemade flamethrower by spraying at the nest across the flame of the lighter. He learned that these insects can fly for a while even though they’re still burning, and got a number of stings and first degree burns for his efforts.
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At their last apartment, my sister-in-law and niece had the occasional ant in their bathroom. They didn’t think much of it. They moved out after living there a couple years, and right after moving out went over to pick up something. The landlord (who lived downstairs, this was a two-flat setup) was in the bathroom working on the ceiling in the shower, which had been sagging slightly (and slowly getting worse) the entire time she had been living there, and the landlord had neglected to do anything about. As she spoke with him, he was chipping away at it with a hammer, and suddenly it collapsed in a mess of rotten ceiling material and several thousand ants, getting some on the landlord! She said she kept thinking about what if she’d lived there longer and it had given way while she was in the shower, bleah! :eek:
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My husband and I were walking outside one summer, drinking sodas out of cups with straws in them, having just left an outdoor festival and now doing some window shopping. He took a drink out of his soda and suddenly began sputtering, then reached in his mouth behind his upper lip and pulled out most of a yellowjacket. (You know, the kind of stinging yellow-and-black striped insect that hangs out around garbage cans and tries to fly into sodas.) It had gone into the large straw trying to drink up the Mountain Dew droplets inside. The part that was left in his mouth was the stinger and venom sac, mostly, and he pulled that out next. His bottom lip started swelling, and we went to a drugstore and bought one of those chemical icepacks, break the inner capsule to chill. It helped for a while, but the icepack started warming up and his lip kept swelling. We ducked into an ice cream store and I ordered a popsicle for him, then on the next block we found another drugstore and talked to the pharmacist, who recommended antihistamines. That helped, as by that point the swelling was so bad he said it felt like his lower lip was going to split open.
Once, when I was in training in forensics, I did an autopsy on a corpse that was crawling with maggots. I couldn’t help expressing my distaste to the experienced techs who make minimum wage to work at the NY medical examiner’s office. One of them drawled at me, “Maggots are good, doc.”
“Maggots are good?” Hard to believe that as I shoved them aside with gloved hands.
“Yep.”
(deep breath) “Why are maggots good?”
“Maggots don’t want to go home with you. Wait till you do lice.”
When I was a teenager we used to hang out in the woods and smoke dope. We were always broke so there usually was not enough dope to go around. One night my buddy Chris secretly rolled a live caterpillar into a joint and passed it, unlit, to one of the more irritating guys in the group. Kevin eagerly took the joint and sparked it up. He only stopped inhaling when he noticed the joint was wiggling. Kevin then let out a plume of green smoke then proceeded to scream obscenities at all of us. I think I shit my pants laughing that night.
Huge carpenter ants.
I was living in Florida, & regretting every minute of it.
I looked at the light fixture in the kitchen, & saw a big lump of something black in it.
Carpenter ants.
I open a panel to unscrew a bulb, & the ants start *pouring * out!.
On my head, down my shirt, in my clothes, in my hair, in my eyes! :eek:
Tens of thousands!
I shouted to my brother & his friends, to grab a paper & start swatting!
The clean-up was dreadful.