# Telling your friend that the world thinks she's a whore is a tough thing to do. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 4, 2000, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/telling-your-friend-that-the-world-thinks-shes-a-whore-is-a-tough-thing-to-do/18533 "2000-05-04T06:03:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![mega\_the\_roo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3da27b/32.png) [@mega\_the\_roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mega_the_roo)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2000, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/telling-your-friend-that-the-world-thinks-shes-a-whore-is-a-tough-thing-to-do/18533/1 "2000-05-04T06:03:33Z")
I just thought she deserved to know. And no, I didn’t use that exact word. That’s all. ---
**Author:** ![spartacist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/67e7ee/32.png) [@spartacist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spartacist)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2000, 6:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/telling-your-friend-that-the-world-thinks-shes-a-whore-is-a-tough-thing-to-do/18533/2 "2000-05-04T06:13:41Z")
Not quite as bad for me, but I did have to tell an old friend that the world perceives him to be a leftover 80’s hessian. He did not quite understand. I would have to guess that his lack of social awareness has a lot to do with his still being a butt-rocker. I do like the guy a lot, though. ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2000, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/telling-your-friend-that-the-world-thinks-shes-a-whore-is-a-tough-thing-to-do/18533/3 "2000-05-04T06:17:47Z")
My girlfriend’s step-sister is real slut. She’s had more ass than my brother, and if you can recall the “My brother fucks… a lot.” thread than you know that is saying a lot. I don’t think it’s any big deal, but my gf is all upset about it. And hearing her try to tell her step-sister to try to limit her fuckfests to 3 times a week really makes it apparent how hard it is. I wish you luck, or something. ---
**Author:** ![mega\_the\_roo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3da27b/32.png) [@mega\_the\_roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mega_the_roo)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2000, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/telling-your-friend-that-the-world-thinks-shes-a-whore-is-a-tough-thing-to-do/18533/4 "2000-05-04T06:24:32Z")
My friend has always claimed to have this beaming self-confidence and to not give a damn of what other people think about her, but I know better. Whether she was going to show it or not, I knew that telling her about the reputation she was getting would hurt her, but I also knew that she deserved to know before it got worse. Then, when she responded with, “I want Ryan” to my telling her somebody we’ve known for years is dieing, I thought it was time to tell her to cool the fuck down. (Pardon my French) I probably should have elaborated more on my original post, but the day’s been lousy and the motivations stuck on low. ---
**Author:** ![Milossarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Milossarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Milossarian)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2000, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/telling-your-friend-that-the-world-thinks-shes-a-whore-is-a-tough-thing-to-do/18533/5 "2000-05-04T14:30:06Z")
I have a question along these lines – If you find yourself continually defending somebody you care about who has done some out-of-control, drunken things on repeated occasions, things that always seem to turn out pretty slutty, at what point in time do you stop defending and saying, “You don’t know the real person; (s)he isn’t really like that,” and say, “Well, yeah, I guess (s)he _is_ a slut.”? To rephrase in a less rambling way, when do you call that person on the character they display through their actions, as opposed to “the person you know they are, deep down.”? ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2000, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/telling-your-friend-that-the-world-thinks-shes-a-whore-is-a-tough-thing-to-do/18533/6 "2000-05-04T14:42:49Z")
I tried for many years to tell my friend the consequences of her whor-ish behavior (leaving her birthday party four times to fuck four different guys in the parking lot was a big clue no?). She never listened to me. Finally after a few years of this behavior she called me in tears. Apparently a guy she had genuinely liked had blown her off saying she was a slut. She sobbed complaining that he had disrespected her and how could he do that, how horrible a guy he is, blah blah. I waited until she was done ranting and then I said, “What do you expect him to think when you have slept with most of his friends? How can he defned you if you haven’t shown him any different” She got all quiet and thought about it. She didn’t change right away, but she has made an effort to tone down her behaviour. ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2000, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/telling-your-friend-that-the-world-thinks-shes-a-whore-is-a-tough-thing-to-do/18533/7 "2000-05-04T14:53:25Z")
I’ve had to try to tell one of my best friends the oppostite of what you guys are talking about: That he’s not going to meet any women at all if he doesn’t get off his ass, and _ask them out_. He’s tried t osome extent, but mainly he has excuses. What ya gonna do? ---
**Author:** ![SingleDad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9e8a1a/32.png) [@SingleDad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SingleDad)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2000, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/telling-your-friend-that-the-world-thinks-shes-a-whore-is-a-tough-thing-to-do/18533/8 "2000-05-04T14:59:00Z")
I usually consider someone’s sexual lifestyle **none of my business**. I would consider it **self-righteous** to judge it. Poysyn’s circumstance is slightly different. In that case the friend _asked_ for an opinion, and s/he responded with factual information. Only in the extreme, if a friend has pushed his/her lifestyle to an obviously self-destructive degree, can one reasonably consider an intervention. One must, of course, be convinced that the behavior in question will lead to certain ruin. ---
**Author:** ![Fretful\_Porpentine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fretful_porpentine/32/2873_2.png) [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2000, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/telling-your-friend-that-the-world-thinks-shes-a-whore-is-a-tough-thing-to-do/18533/9 "2000-05-04T15:30:48Z")
I don’t mean to be rude, mega, but I think SingleDad is dead right. This isn’t something people ever “need” to hear from their friends. (Unless, of course, they flat out ask you, and in that case they probably know the answer anyway.) Think about it this way: is knowing that she has this reputation going to help her more than it hurts her? Probably not. First of all, the damage is already done; secondly, the chances that her actions will change are slim to none, if the reasons BEHIND them haven’t changed. (JFTR, a lot of “sluts” are women who have been raped or sexually abused – I don’t know if that’s the case with your friend, but the reasons are often a _lot_ more complicated than simple lust.) ---
**Author:** ![Milossarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Milossarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Milossarian)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2000, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/telling-your-friend-that-the-world-thinks-shes-a-whore-is-a-tough-thing-to-do/18533/10 "2000-05-04T15:34:09Z")
SingleDad said: > [@](#): > > Only in the extreme, if a friend has pushed his/her lifestyle to an obviously self-destructive degree, can one reasonably consider an intervention. One must, of course, be convinced that the behavior in question will lead to certain ruin. I agree with you, that if no one’s being harmed it’s not my or anyone else’s business. But your quote that I’m citing above is **exactly** the case with this not-really-hypothetical situation I am referring to (which involves one of my very best, longtime friends). When you are very close to someone, and they do things that you KNOW to be out of character for them, that are demeaning to them and those who love them, what do you do? What do you do when they feel remorse about their actions afterward, but time after time, it keeps happening? Is there a point at which you say, “Everybody who is forming their opinion of this person through the surface appearance of these serial episodes is pretty much right, and I am wrong.”? “Slutty is as slutty does?” ---
**Author:** ![mega\_the\_roo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3da27b/32.png) [@mega\_the\_roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mega_the_roo)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2000, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/telling-your-friend-that-the-world-thinks-shes-a-whore-is-a-tough-thing-to-do/18533/11 "2000-05-04T16:18:59Z")
I’ve known this girl since I was twelve, and it wasn’t until she had gained a noticeable amount of weight and started university that she started behaving this way. > [@](#): > > Only in the extreme, if a friend has pushed his/her lifestyle to an obviously self-destructive degree, can one reasonably consider an intervention. She is completely naive to STD’s and pregnancy and because of this she HAS pushed her life to a self-destructive degree. > [@](#): > > Think about it this way: is knowing that she has this reputation going to help her more than it hurts her? Yes. When I told her about what I’d heard, she for the first time in years, shut up and listened. It’s obvious that it hurt her, but sometimes the truth can do that. > [@](#): > > (JFTR, a lot of “sluts” are women who have been raped or sexually abused – I don’t know if that’s the case with your friend, but the reasons are often a lot more complicated than simple lust.) The reason is her self-esteem. When guys come up to her and ask to take her home, it makes her feel good about herself, wanted. It’s when she was drunk when they met, and they don’t call her in the after, that she says, “I was pissed. He pretty much took advantage and raped me.” But the **only** time she’ll say that is when they get their fill, and want nothing more. When I told her that I was raped, she was furious. So when she whines for a week that they didn’t call her back, and THEN adds this completely nonchalant, “he pretty much raped me” you know where it’s coming from. > [@](#): > > In that case the friend asked for an opinion, and s/he responded with factual information. A little while ago she was telling me about all these things one of her co-workers had said to her about her lack of self-esteem, why not many people like her, etc. etc. She began with, “I don’t care what other people think about me” and finished with, “is any of that true?” I told her it was. She has asked my opinion PLENTY of times, it’s just that now she’s taken what she does to a dangerous level. I’ve never been anything but honest with her and if she asks for my opinion, she’s going to get it. ---
**Author:** ![Geobabe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/geobabe/32/3908_2.png) [@Geobabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geobabe)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2000, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/telling-your-friend-that-the-world-thinks-shes-a-whore-is-a-tough-thing-to-do/18533/12 "2000-05-04T18:36:54Z")
In my younger years, I went through a period where I was pretty promiscuous. I slept with most of the guys in the group I hung around with. I told myself I didn’t care what people thought of me, and that if it was OK for guys to do it, it was OK for me. I also thought that these people were my friends and wouldn’t judge me. Finally someone who was a true friend told me what they were saying about me behind my back. I was devastated, but I needed to hear it. I didn’t ask this person, he told me because he cared about me and thought I should know, and I was grateful that he did. I finally looked at my behavior and realized that, like roo’s friend, I was seriously lacking in self esteem. I needed attention from men (Daddy Issues!), and the easiest way to get that is through sex. Unfortunately, that sort of attention is very fleeting and ultimately makes you feel worse. I think that a friend has an obligation to tell someone when they are behaving in a self-destructive way. You can’t make them change, but you can at least try to plant the seed. ---
**Author:** ![handy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5a626/32.png) [@handy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handy)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2000, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/telling-your-friend-that-the-world-thinks-shes-a-whore-is-a-tough-thing-to-do/18533/13 "2000-05-04T22:39:27Z")
mega the roo, the type of woman I like are nuts & sluts, one or both. The nuttier or the sluttier the better. However, it’s a far better idea to get them, through special questions, to say they are whores rather than to call them such oneself, right? ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2000, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/telling-your-friend-that-the-world-thinks-shes-a-whore-is-a-tough-thing-to-do/18533/14 "2000-05-05T01:23:30Z")
Mega, it’s hard, but yeah, it was the right thing to do. It really IS an intervention, if if comes from friendship. There’s happy, self-aware sexuality and then there’s sluttiness. I guess my distinction between the two is the degree of strength involved. One friend was happily promiscious, no doubt about it. But she was so centered about it, she was a siren, not a “slut”. Unfortunately, “sluts” (of either gender) are the ones who exchange temporary use of their bodies for VERY temporary approval. Sad to say, as in most things, weakness sends its own signal. Another friend did exactly the same thing. She mistook sex for friendship, approval, esteem–and had no idea that the (multiple) guys she’d boink in an evening relegated her to the status of a walking dirty joke. Very weird, and awkward, as I was pals with both “the slut” and the guys boinking with her. Their contempt struck me as hollow; as fellow boinkees, who were they to judge? Anyway, she had no idea her actions were being interpreted. So yeah, I told her. It wasn’t pleasant, she was hurt and furious…but she started observing and THINKING. A friend doesn’t let a friend take risks with life and future happiness without offering honesty. You’re a good friend, Meg. Veb ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2000, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/telling-your-friend-that-the-world-thinks-shes-a-whore-is-a-tough-thing-to-do/18533/15 "2000-05-05T01:38:35Z")
Wow. geobabe, that’s one of the smartest things I’ve ever heard. What a succint description of why chics are usually slutty. I couldn’t have said it better myself. I think they should issue that to girls when they hit the sixth grade so they know that if they feel like shit and don’t have a strong male influence in their lives that becoming the neighborhood ho won’t solve their problems. Way to go. ---
**Author:** ![Anti\_Pro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Anti\_Pro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anti_Pro)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2000, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/telling-your-friend-that-the-world-thinks-shes-a-whore-is-a-tough-thing-to-do/18533/16 "2000-05-05T02:55:44Z")
I think the health issue is a big factor here. My older sister slept around,and for the same types of reasons. My father had molested all of us girls, and three out of the five became promiscuous. Anyway, my sister would take me out ‘riding around’ plant me on the side of the road and go off with some guy that had waved to us. She later developed severe uterine infections and wasn’t able to conceive after cleaning up her act and getting married. I think you did the right and brave thing, meg. It would have \* been easier \* to keep your mouth shut, especially when she asked, but even if she hadn’t, friends care enough to get involved. ---
**Author:** ![mega\_the\_roo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3da27b/32.png) [@mega\_the\_roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mega_the_roo)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2000, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/telling-your-friend-that-the-world-thinks-shes-a-whore-is-a-tough-thing-to-do/18533/17 "2000-05-05T03:11:20Z")
It was hard as hell, but I’m confident that telling her was the right thing to do. And after some of you shared similar stories, I feel like less of a jerk having done so. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![MissMonica7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e36b37/32.png) [@MissMonica7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissMonica7)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2000, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/telling-your-friend-that-the-world-thinks-shes-a-whore-is-a-tough-thing-to-do/18533/18 "2000-05-05T04:00:55Z")
I can relate, although I never actually came right out and told my friend (now ex-friend) that I thought she was an alcholic and was a slut. I got fed up with being her baby-sitter at parties, always defending her, worrying about if she was gonna get herself into trouble with a guy or get her ass kicked for getting too rowdy with the wrong people. She’s also threatened my life on one occassion and told me off in her drunken rages, so I should have known then that this girl was not a friend at all. So I just cut off all ties with her. I stopped calling her, and didn’t want to be a part of her life anymore. That was 4 years ago. And it hasn’t completed resolved (she still calls me and wants to be my friend, and just last month she found out that I dated a guy that she currently was interested in but wasn’t dating herself, and called our mutual friend saying she was going to “kick my ass”.) This old friend of mine has serious problems. She’s gotten herself into many messes with guys (rape, physical harm, abortions, etc.) Call me a horrible person, but I can’t ever be her friend, or even try to help her at this point. Sorry this kinda went off the topic. ---
**Author:** ![Anti\_Pro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Anti\_Pro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anti_Pro)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2000, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/telling-your-friend-that-the-world-thinks-shes-a-whore-is-a-tough-thing-to-do/18533/19 "2000-05-05T04:34:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > so I should have known then that this girl was not a friend at all. > > So I just cut off all ties with her. I stopped calling her, and didn’t want to be a part of her life anymore. > Sorry this kinda went off the topic. > \*\* Except that it isn’t off topic, really. Mega was sharing how hard it is to tell a friend she’s destroying her life. In your case, alcohol affects the brain to such an extent that whatever you once saw in this woman, probably doesn’t exist anymore. The drunk ‘killed’ your friend. It’s wise to know when to cut loose for your own physical and mental well being. You did the smart thing to keep yourself safe.