# Ten minutes with the Asshole of your choice. Who/where. What tools do you need? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 12, 2003, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758 "2003-05-12T18:44:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2003, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/21 "2003-05-13T14:57:16Z")
**Hentor** , if I misunderstood your post, I apologize. ---
**Author:** ![CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crankyasanoldman/32/11670_2.png) [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2003, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/22 "2003-05-13T15:02:49Z")
Well, for some time now I’ve wanted to get my hands on that carjacker who, several years ago, stole a woman’s car (in MO, I think it was) and pulled away while she was desperately trying to get her six-year old son out of the seat. He was caught in the seatbelt and was dragged to his death while Captain Fuckwad just drove the car off. Hundreds of people signalled to him and honked, and he just drove. I don’t care where, and I don’t need anything by way of weapons. Just my onw enraged self. I’ve dreamed of this many, many times. ---
**Author:** ![Ooner](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/c67d28/32.png) [@Ooner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ooner)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2003, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/23 "2003-05-13T15:50:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diogenes the Cynic \* > \*\ ***Hentor** , if I misunderstood your post, I apologize. \*\* I think the joke was that the asshole he wanted ten minutes alone with was her’s. I just assumed her willingness. ---
**Author:** ![Hentor\_the\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Hentor\_the\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hentor_the_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2003, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/24 "2003-05-13T16:12:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ooner \* > \*\*I think the joke was that the asshole he wanted ten minutes alone with was her’s. I just assumed her willingness. \*\* This is exactly right, except that I have only a guess as to her willingness, but would not follow up without it. In fact, I would not be able to follow up with it, being married and all (sigh). It was simply a poor joke regarding a variant interpretation of the topic, and I apologize for leaving any room to interpret this as rape. ---
**Author:** ![Feynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecb155/32.png) [@Feynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feynn)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2003, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/25 "2003-05-13T16:16:09Z")
My list is so long I could have difficulty knowing where to start. All I can say is that it would involve back to back Barney and Teletubbie marathons. ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2003, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/26 "2003-05-13T17:23:00Z")
and you’d exclude **the Wiggles**? ---
**Author:** ![Rib\_Eye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/53a042/32.png) [@Rib\_Eye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rib_Eye)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/27 "2003-05-14T15:31:30Z")
Bin Laden - Restraints, a ballpeen hammer, razor blades, an IV drip full of pork broth and a nail-studded broom stick. Also enough medical supplies to keep him alive so that my whole scenario could be repeated regularly. And video equipment to broadcast it worldwide. ---
**Author:** ![Rib\_Eye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/53a042/32.png) [@Rib\_Eye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rib_Eye)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/28 "2003-05-14T15:32:52Z")
Damn. Salt. I forgot the salt. ---
**Author:** ![Parrothead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/59ef9b/32.png) [@Parrothead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Parrothead)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/29 "2003-05-14T16:09:19Z")
If **danceswithcats** can do it, so can I. My ex, her boyfriend, and her parents. A nice pair of pliers and a blowtorch would do just fine. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/45deac/32.png) [@Evil\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_One)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/30 "2003-05-14T16:26:23Z")
Here’s another one for Osama. Restraints…Cage with hungry rats suspended around his testicles…and yummy bacon grease smeared upon them. ---
**Author:** ![Lwaxana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c0e974/32.png) [@Lwaxana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lwaxana)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/31 "2003-05-14T17:08:17Z")
WHO: Laura (a personal enemy) WHERE: any where any time TOOLS: my bare hands ---
**Author:** ![Sionach](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Sionach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sionach)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2003, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/32 "2003-05-14T18:24:39Z")
My coworker, who’s a folk musician . . . An isolated shack, a chair, duct tape/rope, a gag, and a very very good sound system with Metallica’s Kill 'em All cranked up, on repeat for 24 hours. (I’m not in to causing real physical harm, tbh.) This twit drives me nuts; tells me to care about my job, then patently ignores me when I try to discuss work issues. Expects perfection, yet acts condescending or impatient when I ask for clarification on something. I just want to make the idiot feel as frustrated and aggravated as I do! :mad: ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/33 "2003-05-15T01:16:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Parrothead \* > \*\*If **danceswithcats** can do it, so can I. > > My ex, her boyfriend, and her parents. > > A nice pair of pliers and a blowtorch would do just fine. \*\* Hey, I don’t mind if you kipe my idea, so long as I get 50% of the video/DVD proceeds and the book rights. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Magic8ball](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Miss\_Magic8ball](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Magic8ball)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/34 "2003-05-15T01:34:42Z")
My mothers Husband. My house(Its in an island on a lake 16.6 miles away from any sort of civilization) Various sharp objects… Broken glass, steak knifes, serrated knifes, and just for giggles maybe of those cool electric shock gun thingies… PHaser? Taser? Whatever. And some of that garlic he loves so much to rub in his eyes. ---
**Author:** ![glarGH](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/76d3ee/32.png) [@glarGH](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glarGH)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/35 "2003-05-15T01:42:27Z")
My Ex. A cabin far from civilization. A football, Wolverine claws, a post-hole digger, a five gallon bucket of Crisco, lighter fluid… oh yeah and about five of my largest, surliest friends and their pet badgers. ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 6:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/36 "2003-05-15T06:35:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hentor the Barbarian \* > \*\*This is exactly right, except that I have only a guess as to her willingness, but would not follow up without it. In fact, I would not be able to follow up with it, being married and all (sigh). > > It was simply a poor joke regarding a variant interpretation of the topic, and I apologize for leaving any room to interpret this as rape. \*\* Well, you barbarian, you’ve learned your lesson: joking about rape is wrong. It’s just plain wrong. Now let’s get back to the fun things, like joking about torture, dismemberment, and slow, painful death. ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/37 "2003-05-15T06:47:26Z")
Coleen’s(the gestation chamber) boyfriend from when I was three. Items needed: Rope, chainsaw, chair, pulley and winch, sledgehammer, nutcracker, one pound of shattered glass, salt, blowtorch, pliers, foley catheter, and two gallons of lemon juice. ---
**Author:** ![green\_bladder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/73ab20/32.png) [@green\_bladder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/green_bladder)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 7:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/38 "2003-05-15T07:16:40Z")
\*\*My manager and her bitch: \*\* A small square cage, a horny donkey, a rabid pitbull and a handful of bloodsucking leeches … and maybe a dentist 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 7:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/39 "2003-05-15T07:34:26Z")
**GWB** and **Grey Davis** and LA Mayor **James Hahn**. I’d keep it simple. A pair of pliers and a blowtorch. You know, the classics… ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/40 "2003-05-15T07:35:07Z")
**Who** Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein & his posse\*\* **Where:** Locked, secret location hotel room in the middle of no where. Broadcast on all networks across the world. **Weapon** Phred Phelps, Jerry Falwell and any other loonie Tele-evangelist. Babelfish and no-doze for all. Reality TV gets real interesting suddenly. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758.md?page=3)