# Ten minutes with the Asshole of your choice. Who/where. What tools do you need? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 12, 2003, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758 "2003-05-12T18:44:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![The\_MacDairmuid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a87d85/32.png) [@The\_MacDairmuid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_MacDairmuid)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 9:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/41 "2003-05-15T09:30:50Z")
My mother’s ex-husband (not my father!): My shotgun and several dozen shells of assorted weight 12ga. shells (3" magnum preferred). ---
**Author:** ![Trafalgar\_Laura](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trafalgar_laura/32/2907_2.png) [@Trafalgar\_Laura](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trafalgar_Laura)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/42 "2003-05-15T10:19:58Z")
## quote: _Originally posted by Phlosphr_ ## Mulleted White Supremist: - emptied in ground pool, vasoline, gerbil, handcuffs, ten pound dumb bell, German-English Dictionary, and a Condalisa Rice rubber mask. Still trying to get rid of mental image of giant gerbil with vasoline and handcuffs emptying out Mulleted White Supremist into ground pool… ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/43 "2003-05-15T16:29:56Z")
> [@](#): > > …a 24/7 loop of Fox reality TV programming You _fiend_! Me? Well - All I need is my personality. Bwahahahahaha! Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/44 "2003-05-15T17:54:18Z")
Who: Certain man in a club I used to be in, name suppressed to protect the guilty. Where: Police interrogation room will do just fine. Tools: “Truth serum” (sodium pentathol?), straight jacket, video camera, an interrogations expert, a list of every female we both know, and several young & hungry DAs from the city’s Special Victims Unit. ---
**Author:** ![fatmac98](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3ec8ea/32.png) [@fatmac98](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fatmac98)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/45 "2003-05-15T18:25:02Z")
Timothy McVeigh. Public driving range. A couple of 4x4 pieces of wood, restraints, several hundred range balls and a Callaway Big Bertha II. I’d rack him up about 10 feet in front of me and work that slice right out of my tee shot. ---
**Author:** ![Nichol\_storm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Nichol\_storm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nichol_storm)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2003, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/46 "2003-05-15T22:15:24Z")
My molester stepfather, a secluded field, some cheese-wire, a power drill, and a gator to feed the body parts to. .:Nichol:. ---
**Author:** ![look\_ninjas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b2d939/32.png) [@look\_ninjas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/look_ninjas)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/47 "2003-05-16T03:13:14Z")
A group of Holocaust deniers. (Sorry. I mean “revisionists.”) A convincing replica of a gas chamber. A small army of actors dressed as the Zionist conspiracy. And tear gas. I don’t think that would convince them either, but if I got just one to wet himself, it would be worth it. ---
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/48 "2003-05-16T03:20:46Z")
Ummm, is it ok if I just take Jennifer Love Hewitt, a cozy couch, and a bottle of champagne? ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/49 "2003-05-16T03:31:44Z")
A professor of piano who’s name is David. I want tweezers and a flashlight to find his dick and then I need a pair of wirepliers. ---
**Author:** ![shell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/46a35a/32.png) [@shell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shell)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/50 "2003-05-16T03:37:26Z")
Retibution Minnesota style… Rush Limbaugh 50 vat of Lutefisk, duct tape, Kevin Spacey, 1001 Ole and Lena Jokes. ---
**Author:** ![Sidewinder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/53a042/32.png) [@Sidewinder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sidewinder)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2003, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/51 "2003-05-16T20:11:40Z")
My ex, and my ex-best friend. Need some Krazy glue, 40-grit sandpaper on a belt sander, and some habanero sauce. Y’all want to fuck? Allow me to set up your foreplay for ya… ---
**Author:** ![buttonjockey308](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@buttonjockey308](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buttonjockey308)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2003, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/52 "2003-05-17T01:39:41Z")
Well, now we’re talkin… This moron, goes by the name of John… An abandoned steel mill A chair, a car battery, a stripped box spring frame, two nickels, a bucket of bleach, a dozen half-starved ferrets, a bald badger, a squirt pistol full of pepper sauce, a sewing machine, rusty barbed wire, a piano, 10 deep sea fish hooks, sail cord, and a mullet knife. and about three days. —What Would Scooby Doo ---
**Author:** ![hansel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6bbea6/32.png) [@hansel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hansel)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2003, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/53 "2003-05-17T03:55:24Z")
December. Andrea Dworkin. A pit too deep to climb out off. And both of them handcuffed to their chairs, facing each other ---
**Author:** ![thatDDperson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9de0a6/32.png) [@thatDDperson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thatDDperson)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2003, 11:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/54 "2003-05-17T11:30:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Nichol\_storm \* > \*\*My molester stepfather, a secluded field, some cheese-wire, a power drill, and a gator to feed the body parts to. > > .:Nichol:. \*\* Honey, be sure to shave his head and his ass…the gators will eat the rest, but they spit out the hair. No hair, no DNA evidence. Do NOT ask how I know this. ---
**Author:** ![tolyri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7c8e57/32.png) [@tolyri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tolyri)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2003, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/55 "2003-05-18T02:59:29Z")
The girl that sits next to me at work. A chair, rope, ball gag, her husband, the long list of men she’s fucked since they’ve been married. I wouldn’t need to physically hurt her, just put her in her place for once. Just thinking about it makes me feel better. ---
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2003, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/56 "2003-05-18T03:50:28Z")
Not to be a bitch killjoy or anything, but is anybody else mildly disturbed by this thread? ---
**Author:** ![Briny\_Deep](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/briny_deep/32/17188_2.png) [@Briny\_Deep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Briny_Deep)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2003, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/57 "2003-05-18T04:06:51Z")
yup. ---
**Author:** ![Skillet38](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8797f3/32.png) [@Skillet38](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skillet38)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2003, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/58 "2003-05-19T01:44:32Z")
what’s funny to me is that it was “ok” to talk about a barb wire encrusted dildo when the victim was a man, but mention a woman and KY jelly and all of a sudden, Rape is never ok !! unless its a man… hang on, I hear the PC thread calling ---
**Author:** ![Baldwin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baldwin/32/7264_2.png) [@Baldwin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baldwin)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2003, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/59 "2003-05-19T03:39:37Z")
What disturbs me is that nobody seems to have read the thread title: **Ten minutes with the Asshole of your choice. Who/where. What tools do you need?** Not weeks or days, but **ten minutes**. That makes it more of a challenge. In my case: (1) Who: The guys who burglarized and torched my place in 1986, destroying all my books (which were worth a lot more than the tv and stereo these idiots took). Where: A quiet basement. Tools: Just a 4-foot length of rattan. (2) Who: President George W. Bush. Where: Geneva. Tools: Whatever it takes to make him listen to me for ten minutes and actually think about it. (3) Who: Attorney General John Ashcroft. Where: A publicly-funded rehab center/home for unwanted calico cats. Tools: A nicely-bound copy of the U.S. Constitution. (Realistically, of course, it’s highly unlikely that anything I say would have any influence on the twisted thinking of these individuals.) (4) Who: Elliot Abrams, former Deputy Secretary of State and currently on the National Security Council. Where: Peace Corps convention. Tools: Bare hands. Actually I’d just kick him in the nuts. Yep, this thread is kind of disturbing. One thing that bothers me is how often people who have a hatred for a Muslim, such as bin Laden, fantasize about abusing him in some way specifically offensive to all Muslims, such as forcing him into intimate contact with pork. ---
**Author:** ![WolfpackJeep](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolfpackjeep/32/2921_2.png) [@WolfpackJeep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WolfpackJeep)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2003, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758/60 "2003-05-19T04:10:51Z")
Who: Phil Donahue. Where: Brickyard, North Carolina State University. Tool: Truckload of rotten produce. * * * Who: The professor who recommended Phil Donahue as Spring commencement speaker for NC State. Where: Same place. Tool: Whatever’s left in the truck after Phil’s 10 minutes. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ten-minutes-with-the-asshole-of-your-choice-who-where-what-tools-do-you-need/174758.md?page=2)