# Terrible songs that never deserved to be hits **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 29, 2018, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745 "2018-01-29T17:35:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 16
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2018, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/301 "2018-02-02T04:29:04Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > Sorry. My sentence structure was a bit ambiguous. By “most of the Police” I meant “most of the Police’s work.” I thought Sting’s work in the Police was excellent, for the vast majority of stuff. I’m not entirely sure what the interpersonal dynamic there was (though I get hints of friction), but Copeland, Sumner, and Sting made a fantastic trio. Hints of friction? By all accounts, they hated each other. I sure don’t hate this, however. The graphics are from the Classic Arts Showcase channel, which my local cable carrier has if everything’s working properly. [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/7KHuDHfFApo/hqdefault.jpg "Alessandra Ferri, Sting music video") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KHuDHfFApo) ---
**Author:** ![The\_Tooth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c67d28/32.png) [@The\_Tooth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Tooth)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2018, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/302 "2018-02-02T05:27:10Z")
> [@Guest-starring\_Id](#): > > Sh!!! (in whispered tones): At all costs don’t let that beastly beast of all beasts 😛 **scabpicker** 😛 in on this, or all hell will break loose! > > Yes - there’s the Anti-Christ, and then there’s the Anti-Steely Dan, and Scabs is so wretchedly, so grotesquely, and horribly (and vulgarly too!) The Anti Steely Dan, he’ll…he’ll…probably go tell me to go get off my yacht or something! > > 😛 Really, why? Is he deaf? ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2018, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/303 "2018-02-02T05:46:30Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > Hints of friction? By all accounts, they hated each other. Well, I thought it was less “they hated each other” and more “they hated Sting.” But, like I said, I never really dove into it beyond that. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2018, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/304 "2018-02-02T05:57:10Z")
> [@Guest-starring\_Id](#): > > I gotta say - and prolly mentioned elsewhere - am hard pressed to think of a more beatifically, stupendously fucked-up guit solo for a top ten pop hit. > I challenge anyone to name one. > When no one’s looking, I’ve been known to surreptitiously genuflect to that solo, it humbles me so. I’m gonna guess you’ve seen this, but in case you haven’t, Youtube has a clip that shows [the making of “Peg”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waIBA6_0GQc&t=232s). If you go to 4:50 (though I suggest watching it all in context), you can hear a couple other solo attempt by the other guitarists. ---
**Author:** ![Egnu\_Cledge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/34f0e0/32.png) [@Egnu\_Cledge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Egnu_Cledge)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2018, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/305 "2018-02-02T06:03:59Z")
_What’s Up_ by 4 Non Blondes. Every single thing about that song is obnoxious. Linda Perry sings like the girl in your 5th grade class who always got the lead in the school musical, and over-sang the living fuck out of every word. Hated, hated, hated it. Not to mention, they had a stupid band name, looked like they’d gotten dressed at Willy Wonka’s Steam Punk Haberdashery and Clown Supply Emporium, and their album cover was ugly. It just offends on every possible front. ---
**Author:** ![Starving\_Artist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@Starving\_Artist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Starving_Artist)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2018, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/306 "2018-02-02T06:24:08Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > Well, I thought it was less “they hated each other” and more “they hated Sting.” But, like I said, I never really dove into it beyond that. That was my impression at the time and it still is. I don’t recall ever reading about animosity between Copeland and Summers. > [@pulykamell](#): > > I don’t know the backstory on this, but I can live with Steely Dan if only for “Peg.” I saw _Steely Dan_ two summers ago and they were superb, as expected. (That kid they’ve got on drums works his ass off!!) I’m glad I got to see them while Walter Becker was still alive. Becker was the comic relief and a cool guy, but I felt kind of sorry for him when introduction time came. He ran through the names of the band members and backup singers (Carolyn Leonhard is still gorgeous) and introduced himself too. Each member got a hearty bit of applause, with the amount Becker got being about the same as for everyone else. Then in the leadup to Fagen’s introduction he rattled off several of Fagen’s accomplishments and hobbies (chef surprisingly among them), and then when he introduced Fagen as singer and keyboardist the place absolutely went wild! Every man, woman and child in the place leapt to their feet in thunderous applause that went on for quite a few minutes. Fagen noodled on his keyboards the whole time and never looked up. I was never able to figure out if he was too embarrassed at the adulation, or whether he was contemptuous of it and preferred not to acknowledge it. With a guy like him you can never be sure. Still, I felt pangs of sorrow for Walter Becker. He should have gotten applause at leasts somewhat on par with Fagen’s IMO, and it was a bit of a surprise to me that to the audience he pretty much seemed to be regarded as just another band member. ---
**Author:** ![Biffster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biffster/32/339_2.png) [@Biffster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffster)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2018, 8:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/307 "2018-02-02T08:53:18Z")
> [@Egnu\_Cledge](#): > > _What’s Up_ by 4 Non Blondes. Every single thing about that song is obnoxious. Linda Perry sings like the girl in your 5th grade class who always got the lead in the school musical, and over-sang the living fuck out of every word. Hated, hated, hated it. > > Not to mention, they had a stupid band name, looked like they’d gotten dressed at Willy Wonka’s Steam Punk Haberdashery and Clown Supply Emporium, and their album cover was ugly. > > It just offends on every possible front. [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/_1w2aASUpWQ/hqdefault.jpg "He man song") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1w2aASUpWQ) ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2018, 9:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/308 "2018-02-02T09:51:03Z")
> [@Jacquernagy](#): > > The lyrics are kind of stupid, but the chord progression and orchestral arrangement are extremely interesting and beautiful. Any guitarist who can strum through those chord changes exactly as written in the chart, without any shortcuts, has serious chops. Maybe it took technical virtuosity to _play_ that snoozer of a song, but the melody is still an excellent substitute for sleeping pills. Of course, in \>50 years of listening to rock/pop music, I’ve noticed that the correlation is rather weak between how compelling a song is, and what my more musically skilled friends tell me are the technical chops needed to play the music. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2018, 9:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/309 "2018-02-02T09:58:47Z")
> [@Mr\_Zox](#): > > _Horse With No Name_. “In the desert you can remember your name/'Cause there ain’t no one for to give you no pain” - - - Seriously? Do you have **any** ability to write English? That song is the gift that keeps on giving when it comes to lyric writing that goes straight through “bad” and deep into “WTF?” (see also: “the heat was hot” and “there were plants and birds and rocks and things”). ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2018, 10:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/310 "2018-02-02T10:00:45Z")
> [@Jacquernagy](#): > > OK, yeah it was a little unclear. I think Sting as a member of the Police was pretty badass, but I can’t say his solo career ever did anything for me. Now this I can totally agree with you on. Just like Paul McCartney needed his fellow Beatles to keep him from drifting off into syrupy nonsense, Sting clearly needed Copeland and Summers to keep him from a mindset of “whatever rambling thoughts are going through my head these days will surely interest other people as much as they interest me, if I can hang them on some sort of melody.” I’ve said it before, but any song that includes the sentence “I don’t subscribe to his point of view” - _twice_, even - isn’t a song, it’s an op-ed. ---
**Author:** ![Lamoral](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lamoral/32/16078_2.png) [@Lamoral](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamoral)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2018, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/311 "2018-02-02T12:00:18Z")
> [@Gyrate](#): > > That song is the gift that keeps on giving when it comes to lyric writing that goes straight through “bad” and deep into “WTF?” (see also: “the heat was hot” and “there were plants and birds and rocks and things”). I always thought America were pretty gifted when it came to melodic hooks, but unbelievably terrible in the lyrics department. Now, I have always favored the former over the latter, but sometimes the lyrics are SO noticeably bad that it just yanks you right out of the song. _You Can Do Magic_ is particularly cringe-inducing. “You know darn well when you cast your spell you get your way/when you hypnotize with those eyes, a heart of stone can turn to clay.” LOL. The way the singer enunciates the words adds to the silliness of it. The only songs I can forgive America for its subpar attempts at wordplay, are _Tin Man_, where the stream-of-consciousness delivery actually makes the nonsensical lyrics sort of work, and _Ventura Highway_ just for that damn guitar hook. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2018, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/312 "2018-02-02T13:19:27Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > “Dreamboat Annie” is one of my all-time favorite songs. However, “All I Want To Do Is Make Love To You” is not. I can’t stand Heart. They’re just so shrill. And yeah, “All I Want to Do” is absolutely shit-tastic. Once at a party many years ago, a friend admitted to liking that song and we all ganged up and argued with him until he said we had “ruined it”. I usually hate the phrase “sorry, not sorry” but it kind of fits here. ---
**Author:** ![Brayne\_Ded](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Brayne\_Ded](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brayne_Ded)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2018, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/313 "2018-02-02T14:08:56Z")
_Patches_ by Clarence Carter. I hope to heaven I never hear that one again. [/QUOTE] ---
**Author:** ![Brayne\_Ded](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Brayne\_Ded](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brayne_Ded)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2018, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/314 "2018-02-02T14:12:37Z")
“Just like Paul McCartney needed his fellow Beatles to keep him from drifting off into syrupy nonsense…” I would say that both Lennon and McCartney were better together than solo, since they managed to restrain their tendency to get childish or syrupy. Wings was never a patch on the Beatles, it was just a showcase for Macca’s oversized ego. ---
**Author:** ![Brayne\_Ded](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Brayne\_Ded](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brayne_Ded)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2018, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/315 "2018-02-02T14:23:30Z")
"The #1 songs the week I was born were: US: [Brand New Key](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKcpodt0YCU), Melanie UK: [Ernie, the Fastest Milkman in the West](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bQhRVVzAyU), Benny Hill" The lyrics to Brand New Key are a joke, Melanie sounds like she is trying to sing a klezmer number - and failing badly. The odd thing is that she claims she saw no sexual innuendo in the words. Ernie, the Fastest Milkman in the West was just a novelty record and never took itself seriously. ---
**Author:** ![Brayne\_Ded](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Brayne\_Ded](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brayne_Ded)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2018, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/316 "2018-02-02T14:29:20Z")
The 1980s saw lots of synth-pop groups, usually with whiny vocals. Probably influenced by glam rock biggies like Roxy Music and Bowie, but without the originality. Then the 1990s saw lots of pop-synth groups … who sounded like the ones from a decade earlier. Or were in fact the same. Has somebody cryo-frozen Duran Duran? The 1980s and 1990s also hosted a ton of rock acts that sounded like they were in a 1970s time warp. Kudos here to Van Halen and Guns’n’Roses, the two biggest offenders. ---
**Author:** ![Brayne\_Ded](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Brayne\_Ded](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brayne_Ded)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2018, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/317 "2018-02-02T14:32:30Z")
The text and the happy strumalong sound just don’t meld. And the text … uh, well, I suppose Kenny Roger’s personal version of hell is having to sing this turkey for the rest of his life. ---
**Author:** ![Guest-starring\_Id](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guest-starring_id/32/21736_2.png) [@Guest-starring\_Id](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guest-starring_Id)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2018, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/318 "2018-02-02T14:42:06Z")
Just now remembered something so awful, so purely evil, that my mind is going all higgledy piggledy and making me wanna snort an entire can of Pam and then go dash off a couple sequels to _A Serbian Film_. [Pilot of the Airwaves](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGKrgJZhpzk), featuring a shameless [Elton John impersonator](https://youtu.be/SGKrgJZhpzk?t=141) Especially the opening choral beginning or whatever the frick you wanna call it. Crossed my mind to start a new thread about “opening song statements” like that (and “Bohemian Rhapsody”, and “Leave It”) but I think there already is one. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2018, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/319 "2018-02-02T15:20:19Z")
> [@Dung\_Beetle](#): > > I can’t stand Heart. They’re just so shrill. And yeah, “All I Want to Do” is absolutely shit-tastic. I think they’ve disowned the song because I’ve never seen them play it in concert. I just wish that they had decided to play more than 1 Led Zeppelin cover a night before they got “rediscovered” a few years ago and thus started to play larger venues. Because once I’d seen them 5 times, I was just going for the Led Zep songs. Shrill? Hmmm, maybe you do have a point since I think they cover _Misty Mountain Hop_ better than Led Zep did because Robert Plant’s voice is _too frail_ for that song :eek: which deserves an all-out blaster of a vocalist. But they can also harmonize sweetly on Battle of Evermore which is only worse than the album version because it’s lacking in Sandy Denny. ---
**Author:** ![Egnu\_Cledge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/34f0e0/32.png) [@Egnu\_Cledge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Egnu_Cledge)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2018, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/320 "2018-02-02T17:06:38Z")
God bless you Biffster. From here on out, I am going to believe that _that_ version is the fun, delightful original ruined by an unironic, generic alternative cover. Of course, this can only mean that 4 Non Blondes have the ability to time travel, choosing to release their cover twenty years before the “original”. Further, the fact that they did not warn us about the 9/11 attacks only leads me to believe they were in on them. Because 4 Non Blondes were the worst. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745.md?page=15) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745.md?page=17)