# Terrible songs that never deserved to be hits **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 29, 2018, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745 "2018-01-29T17:35:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Dag\_Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@Dag\_Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dag_Otto)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/81 "2018-01-30T02:22:26Z")
> [@Face\_Intentionally\_Left\_Blank](#): > > I’ll throw out my personal White Whale. From Hell’s heart, I stab at thee; For hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at the song that is, [“Break My Stride” by Matthew Wilder.](https://youtu.be/cy46iOwWQiE) Cthulhu-level insanity-causing shitty 80’s keyboard part, and the first lines of the song: > > 'Nuff said, I would hope. > > EDIT: Nope, guess it’s not enough after all. That 'stache wears HIM. “It’s-a-ME, MARIO!” Oh my. Watching the dancers in comically amusing green clown outfits, I find myself both horrified and kinda turned on at the same time. This better not turn up in my dreams tonight. ---
**Author:** ![installLSC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/54ee81/32.png) [@installLSC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/installLSC)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/82 "2018-01-30T02:23:21Z")
For a song that’s awful on both musical and moral grounds, “Into the Night” by Benny Mardones (a hit in both 1980 and 1989). “She’s just sixteen years old, leave her alone” is the first line, it get worse… …and that’s even if you’ve never seen [the video.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4aWhn0Hc8ps) ---
**Author:** ![Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/son_of_a_rich/32/5439_2.png) [@Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Son_of_a_Rich)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/83 "2018-01-30T02:37:51Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > **The Name Game** , by Shirley Ellis. There are a lot of deserving songs mentioned so far that are offensively sweet, or maudlin, or whatever. _The Name Game_ is offensively vacuous. Something about it just always set my teeth on edge. It’s like being lectured on the strategic richness of Chutes and Ladders. Works best with “Chuck”. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/84 "2018-01-30T02:51:26Z")
> [@John\_DiFool](#): > > 68 posts in, and no mention of Disco Duck. For shame. Novelty song.😛 ---
**Author:** ![Exapno\_Mapcase](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/exapno_mapcase/32/1051_2.png) [@Exapno\_Mapcase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exapno_Mapcase)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/85 "2018-01-30T02:54:43Z")
I like a lot of these songs, and love a few of them. Even the worst ones don’t begin to scrape the awfulness of treacle songs from the 60s and 70s. [“Jean”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJZQz5U0el0), by Rod McKuen Herb Alpert’s [“This Guy’s in Love with You”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8ByJ1C0iR4) [“Knock Three Times”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yii1ufTyOWs) by Tony Orlando & Dawn [“Dizzy”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-s_DKiTUty0) by Tommy Roe [“Honey”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZiEY3O-FWk) by Bobby Goldsboro [“(You’re) Having My Baby”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QN6p66AtDc) by Paul Anka and Odia Coates What’s worse than these songs? That every one was a number one Billboard hit, except “Jean.” That almost slipped by, but no, [Oliver](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AprKN7DxJlw) took it to number one on the Adult Contemporary charts. Any time you young’uns like to rail against classic rock, put these on and remember these were the alternative. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/86 "2018-01-30T02:55:49Z")
> [@eschereal](#): > > [This one](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpdBX-u1dv8) bothers me. I know it is a fine song and not at all creepy but I just do not like how it feels. Something about the voice kinda sets my teeth on edge. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/87 "2018-01-30T03:24:14Z")
> [@Dag\_Otto](#): > > Oh my. Watching the dancers in comically amusing green clown outfits, I find myself both horrified and kinda turned on at the same time. This better not turn up in my dreams tonight. Did the band really need three keyboard players? ---
**Author:** ![dorvann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/df705f/32.png) [@dorvann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dorvann)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/88 "2018-01-30T03:29:35Z")
Do you know what Chuck Berry song was the only one to reach Number 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 in the United States? “My Ding-a-Ling” I find the song incredible annoying. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/89 "2018-01-30T03:34:48Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > Did the band really need three keyboard players? If they had three keyboards, yeah. ---
**Author:** ![bmoak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9dc877/32.png) [@bmoak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bmoak)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/90 "2018-01-30T03:51:03Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > I’ll nominate MacArthur Park. I’m surprised it hasn’t been mentioned yet. > > Have any of you guys ever heard of it? [Here’s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8JlQNIvIfI) an SCTV clip featuring Dave Thomas as Richard Harris singing MacArthur Park on Mel’s Rockpile (SCTV’s American Bandstand parody. Spoiler: An audience member beans “Richard” with a brick. ---
**Author:** ![It\_s\_Not\_Rocket\_Surgery](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/it_s_not_rocket_surgery/32/312_2.png) [@It\_s\_Not\_Rocket\_Surgery](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/It_s_Not_Rocket_Surgery)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/91 "2018-01-30T04:01:22Z")
Obvious song not yet listed: “My Humps” by Black Eyed Peas. No explanation necessary. Semi-obvious: “Let 'Em In” by Paul McCartney and Wings. Without John and the other Beatles to hold him in check, Paul put out some serious stinkers. He even brought Michael Jackson down with “Ebony and Ivory”. Song only I may hate: “Black Water” by the Doobie Brothers. Can’t stand the singing, and the fiddle/violin combined with the other instruments might be my most hated instrumental passage of all time. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/92 "2018-01-30T04:06:46Z")
I’ll nominate Honey, by Bobby Goldsboro. I think there was a notable spike in suicides when that song came out. Along the same line…Teen Angel by Mark Dinning. And two of the big reasons I hate Christmas, because these pieces of shit get played constantly: Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree, and Jingle Bell Rock. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/93 "2018-01-30T04:11:30Z")
> [@It\_s\_Not\_Rocket\_Surgery](#): > > Song only I may hate: “Black Water” by the Doobie Brothers. Can’t stand the singing, and the fiddle/violin combined with the other instruments might be my most hated instrumental passage of all time. I hate the many many repitions in that song. Yes, it is bad. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/94 "2018-01-30T04:21:10Z")
> [@gkster](#): > > My brother and I had parody lyrics to this one: > “we had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun > but the smell of your breath was what caused my early death”" Bearing in mind that “Seasons in the Sun” was popular during the same era as the streaking fad, our parody lyrics were: We had joy, we had fun We went streaking in the sun But the cops, yes they saw us And they shot us in the buns ---
**Author:** ![california\_jobcase](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@california\_jobcase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/california_jobcase)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/95 "2018-01-30T04:30:26Z")
I nominate “Ring My Bell”, “Pop Muzik”, “Fly Robin Fly”, etc. Also, why is “Turn the Page” so idolized by many? It’s just Bob whining and bragging. All Bob’s hits seem to be Bob whining and bragging. “Like a Rock” and “Against the Wind” are even whinier and braggier. I have never understood Seger’s appeal. ---
**Author:** ![eschereal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eschereal/32/18939_2.png) [@eschereal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eschereal)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/96 "2018-01-30T04:31:18Z")
> [@running\_coach](#): > > If they had three keyboards, yeah. Hey, not necessarily. I went to a show where this chick sat between a piano and a keyboard and some of the time she was playing both at once. ---
**Author:** ![Face\_Intentionally\_Left\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/face_intentionally_left_blank/32/288_2.png) [@Face\_Intentionally\_Left\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Face_Intentionally_Left_Blank)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/97 "2018-01-30T04:32:48Z")
> [@Dag\_Otto](#): > > Oh my. Watching the dancers in comically amusing green clown outfits, I find myself both horrified and kinda turned on at the same time. This better not turn up in my dreams tonight. ♫ _To-night you’ll have the strangest dream_ ♬ . . . ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/98 "2018-01-30T04:33:55Z")
Warrant, “Cherry Pie” There were lots of really bad hair metal songs back in the day, but only this one is famous for the lead singer saying, in retrospect: _“I could shoot myself in the head for writing that song!”_ ---
**Author:** ![Guest-starring\_Id](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guest-starring_id/32/21736_2.png) [@Guest-starring\_Id](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guest-starring_Id)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/99 "2018-01-30T04:43:22Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > [Afternoon Delight](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wu1UXCdyNo0), a treacly song about the joys of midday sex, which, inexplicably, was a #1 hit in 1976, and led to the Starland Vocal Band actually getting a variety show on CBS. [Jason and Maeby do not too bad a job of it.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_CJ2wUhPtYM) > [@kayaker](#): > > The muskrat song. Muskrats aren’t cute, and singing about their escapades is freaky. Actually I take exception to that, and will force Daryl Dragon’s [E-mu modular synthesizer](https://youtu.be/bjqeNoi6EmM?t=123) on you, simply to terrorize you, for revenge. Written by one Willis Allen Ramsey, it was originally titled _Muskrat Candlelight_, which I think sounds better, more appropriate. > [@Jennshark](#): > > Stevie Wonder’s “I just called to say I love yoooo.” Gak! Call me a muffin, but I have no problem with the verses - I think they’re actually quite legitimately fine, in the minor key. HOWEVER… The chorus? I could not agree with you more. The worst, most shmaltzy reconstituted barf, ever. As a wee’un I always went, “I just called, to say, you’re ug-ly.” I could put together a nice big list that would probably bend a couple noses out of shape, so, I’ll just…mosey…along…🙂 ETA: Rod McEwen was mentioned somewhere earlier. I wish he wasn’t. I guess this ETA isn’t helping. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/100 "2018-01-30T04:49:33Z")
> [@John\_DiFool](#): > > I honestly and truly thought, for the longest time, that it was about model rocketry…:smack: I went to Girl Scout camp while that song was still on the charts, and the counselors told us that it wasn’t about that, or picnicking at the local park (out in public on a blanket, anyway!). 😃 How about “Convoy”? Yeah, 1976 was a year of bad songs, why do you ask? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745.md?page=6)