# Terrible songs that never deserved to be hits **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [January 29, 2018, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745 "2018-01-29T17:35:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![drad\_dog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@drad\_dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drad_dog)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/141 "2018-01-30T17:44:51Z")
> [@E-DUB](#): > > The Dave Berry is strong in this thread. > > [Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs - Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dave_Barry%27s_Book_of_Bad_Songs) > > What the heck, it that spirit I’ll throw out “Timothy” by The Buoys. > > And for the record they were only down in that mine for an hour, two tops. And they ate everything in that short amount of time. There weren’t even any bones left. People forget this. ---
**Author:** ![Jennshark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Jennshark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jennshark)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/142 "2018-01-30T18:26:00Z")
[quote=“gkster, post:72, topic:807745”] My brother and I had parody lyrics to this one: “we had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun but the smell of your breath was what caused my early death”" And I’m surprised that nobody has mentioned “Feelings” yet? [/QUOTE] A friend and I sang similar lyrics: “We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun But now that you’re dead I’m gonna kick you in the head” Your lyrics are better, I need to send this to her 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Exapno\_Mapcase](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/exapno_mapcase/32/1051_2.png) [@Exapno\_Mapcase](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exapno_Mapcase)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/143 "2018-01-30T18:31:20Z")
“Timothy” was written by Rupert Holmes, who also wrote The Pina Colada Song." What people don’t understand is that Holmes was a brilliant humorist and satirist. He wrote “Timothy” to make a deliberate stink. > [@](#): > > According to his own account, Holmes and a colleague had discovered the Buoys and convinced Scepter Records to sign them to a one-single contract. Since the deal did not call for the label to promote the single, the band would have to find some other way to get themselves and their song noticed. Holmes suggested a novel solution to this problem: to purposefully record a song likely to be banned, thus generating publicity for the Buoys under the time-honored axiom that “there’s no such thing as bad publicity”.[3] Look at [Holmes’ entire career](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rupert_Holmes). It’s brilliant. Even “The Pina Colada Song” is a great, fun tune mocking the singer, though it doesn’t stand up to repeated listenings. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/144 "2018-01-30T18:39:36Z")
[Daddy, don’t you walk so fast Daddy, don’t you walk so fast Daddy, slow down some 'Cause you’re making me run Daddy, don’t you walk so fast](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpSv4WiJXyI&app=desktop) ---
**Author:** ![Jennshark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Jennshark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jennshark)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/145 "2018-01-30T18:41:37Z")
I’m compelled to share one of my most heartbreaking musical moments. Last summer we were outside watching one of the dogs cavort with a butterfly – it was very sweet, the butterfly would glide around doggy, who would leap in the air to catch it (no one died). It was the moment I’d been waiting for my whole life; I burst into song (see if you can guess which song before scrolling down): “See the dog and butterfly Up in the air he likes to fly Dog and butterfly Below she had to try She roll back down to the warm soft ground, laughing She don’t know why, she don’t know why Dog and butterfly” Mrs. Shark looked at me blankly. “Did you just make that song up?” She’s five years older than I am (55) and I couldn’t believe she’d never heard this song by _Heart_. My moment was over. Gone. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Sam\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Stone)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/146 "2018-01-30T19:44:36Z")
Dog and Butterfly may have insipid lyrics, but it’s a beautiful song. I’ll vote for ‘What is Love’ by Haddaway. If you don’t recognize the title, it’s the song that just repeats, “Lady Don’t Hurt Me’ over and over again. If you did any clubbing in the 90’s, you could not avoid this dreck. And it was a global hit and sold millions of copies. Then there are all those novelty songs, like “Mr. Jaws”, or “The Streak”. Gah. I have to take exception to ‘Gimme Three Steps’. Great song, great guitar work, great energy. Sure, it doesn’t have deep lyrics, but then neither does ‘Boom Boom’, ‘Mannish Boy’, and lots of blues classics. Skynyrd comes from that tradition. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/147 "2018-01-30T20:03:04Z")
> [@Infovore](#): > > My vote for this is “Panama” by Van Halen. Or pretty much anything from the David Lee Roth era of VH. Every time I hear that shrieky thing he does in _every damn song_ I want to punch him in the face. My friend’s ex-boyfriend and his friends would holler “Enema!” whenever they heard it. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Ashtura](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ashtura/32/2963_2.png) [@Ashtura](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ashtura)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/148 "2018-01-30T20:33:37Z")
If being nonsensical makes a song undeserving of being a hit, then pretty much any hit from Duran Duran. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/149 "2018-01-30T20:39:57Z")
There are many, many popular recording that I hate. But if millions of people liked a record enough to put up money for it, where do I come off telling them they’re wrong? The only way I’d call a #1 hit “undeserving” would be if someone falsified the sales record and made it look more popular than it was. ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/150 "2018-01-30T21:04:41Z")
> [@Sam\_Stone](#): > > I’ll vote for ‘What is Love’ by Haddaway. If you don’t recognize the title, it’s the song that just repeats, “Lady Don’t Hurt Me’ over and over again. If you did any clubbing in the 90’s, you could not avoid this dreck. And it was a global hit and sold millions of copies. Isn’t it “_Baby_ don’t hurt me”? Or have I been hearing it wrong all this time? ---
**Author:** ![eschereal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eschereal/32/18939_2.png) [@eschereal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eschereal)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/151 "2018-01-30T21:04:51Z")
For all the love that _Seasons in the Sun_ is getting, I remember listening to the billboard top hundred on a transistor radio in a cold December basement when it took second place for the year. Why has the #1 song for that year been passed over? Was it actually good? Because the lyrics are meh, but my god the singing was suffocatingly unctuous. I mean, I get that Babs often sings like that, but damn. I really do want to forget about the way we were. ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/152 "2018-01-30T21:05:43Z")
> [@E-DUB](#): > > And for the record they were only down in that mine for an hour, two tops. > [@drad\_dog](#): > > And they ate everything in that short amount of time. There weren’t even any bones left. People forget this. [In retrospect, I guess we might have reverted to cannibalism a bit early.](https://www.theonion.com/in-retrospect-i-guess-we-might-have-resorted-to-cannib-1819583474) ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/153 "2018-01-30T21:09:55Z")
> [@astorian](#): > > There are many, many popular recording that I hate. But if millions of people liked a record enough to put up money for it, where do I come off telling them they’re wrong? > > The only way I’d call a #1 hit “undeserving” would be if someone falsified the sales record and made it look more popular than it was. How about [payola](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=10376203#post10376203)? ( **Warning: old thread!** ) ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/154 "2018-01-30T21:27:34Z")
> [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](#): > > Isn’t it “_Baby_ don’t hurt me”? Or have I been hearing it wrong all this time? This. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/155 "2018-01-30T21:39:23Z")
> [@Skywatcher](#): > > How about [payola](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=10376203#post10376203)? > ( **Warning: old thread!** ) Yes and no. When Paul Simon was inducted into the Hall of Fame, he thanked the late Alan Freed. He said that, when he and Art Garfunkel were kids calling themselves Tom and Jerry, they played him “Hey Schoolgirl,” a song they’d just recorded. Freed told them, “I like it. Here’s the deal- pay me $500, and I’ll play the song on my show every day for two weeks. If kids like it, it’ll be a hit. If not, I stop playing it.” Somehow, Paul; and Art raised the money, and paid Freed. Sure enough, he played the song on his show, and that became their first hit. Simon added wistfully, “I wish it was STILL that way today.” See, Freed wouldn’t take money to play just ANY song. He only too money to play records he thought were genuinely good and that had a chance of being very popular. I have NO musical talent. If I made a lousy record and somehow got it into heavy radio rotation, would it sell? Not a chance! ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/156 "2018-01-30T21:58:15Z")
> [@astorian](#): > > I have NO musical talent. If I made a lousy record and somehow got it into heavy radio rotation, would it sell? Not a chance! William Hung made the Top-40. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/157 "2018-01-30T22:01:20Z")
> [@Sam\_Stone](#): > > I’ll vote for ‘What is Love’ by Haddaway. If you don’t recognize the title, it’s the song that just repeats, “Lady Don’t Hurt Me’ over and over again. If you did any clubbing in the 90’s, you could not avoid this dreck. And it was a global hit and sold millions of copies. Huh. You know what, I’ve always thought it was “baby don’t hurt me,” and the lyrics sites seem to think it is, too, but now listening to it many years yonder, it actually does almost sound more like “lady” than “baby.” Repetitive lyrics, though, were part and parcel of a lot of club music back then, it seems to me. ---
**Author:** ![NDP](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ndp/32/55_2.png) [@NDP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NDP)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/158 "2018-01-30T22:19:05Z")
> [@astorian](#): > > There are many, many popular recording that I hate. But if millions of people liked a record enough to put up money for it, where do I come off telling them they’re wrong? > > The only way I’d call a #1 hit “undeserving” would be if someone falsified the sales record and made it look more popular than it was. > [@Skywatcher](#): > > How about [payola](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=10376203#post10376203)? > ( **Warning: old thread!** ) Looking at that old thread, I see I made the exact same comment (“[L]istening to ‘I’ve Never Been to Me’ is like being forced at gunpoint to read Danielle Steele”) about the exact same song nearly ten years ago. I guess that proves I’m getting less creative as I get older. ---
**Author:** ![Sefton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Sefton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sefton)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/159 "2018-01-30T22:24:13Z")
I have to agree with Dave Barry that _[Yummy Yummy Yummy (I’ve Got Love in My Tummy)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4aQiFaCod8)_ wasn’t worthy of hit-ness. ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2018, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745/160 "2018-01-30T22:39:50Z")
Anything by Smash Mouth that ever charted. I’ll happily listen to the entire Nickelback catalog on a loop forever rather than hear a single note of “All Star,” or any of the other pretentious, derivative shit that band has produced, ever again. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/terrible-songs-that-never-deserved-to-be-hits/807745.md?page=9)