# Texting on a First Date: Kosher or no? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 17, 2010, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496 "2010-06-17T01:42:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![gravitycrash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/977dab/32.png) [@gravitycrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gravitycrash)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496/161 "2010-06-18T21:22:56Z")
Different values? Bwah? Values have nothing to do with it. Throw courtesy and manners out the window if you like, fine and peachy. If you’re such a special flower where you need validation and attention 24/7 knock yourself out. Multi- task all you want, I for one will spend my time elsewhere. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496/162 "2010-06-18T21:24:46Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > But if one person decides to send tweet messages during the lull, that just leaves the other person sitting there twirling their pasta. Now I understand that you wouldn’t be bothered by that, if this were you. But wouldn’t it irk you just a little bit that your date assumes “okay, we aren’t talking now, so let me talk to socialize with someone else now”? Not even a little bit? > > Maybe my experiences have left me jaded. Well, you know, now you’re talking about Twitter, and those folks are DEAD TO ME! 😃 Really, though, I think I have a much more casual approach to dating than some. It doesn’t strike me as bothersome if someone fiddles with silverware or turns toward the restaurant’s TV or sends a text or otherwise just isn’t wholly focused on me. I get a funny (and exaggerated. I’m not accusing anyone of believing this) picture in my head of two people staring at each other throughout a date, wondering who will be the first to blink and get sent packing. Me: Oh no, my eyeballs are getting dry. But if I blink, he’ll think I’m not interested! Him: I think I’m actually having a heart attack, but I’m afraid to check. I mean, there’s some area between that and the dudes who can’t make eye contact. We just differ exactly where we think a comfortable spot is. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496/163 "2010-06-18T21:28:22Z")
> [@gravitycrash](#): > > Different values? Bwah? Values have nothing to do with it. Throw courtesy and manners out the window if you like, fine and peachy. If you’re such a special flower where you need validation and attention 24/7 knock yourself out. Multi- task all you want, I for one will spend my time elsewhere. See, this is the sort of idiocy I don’t get. How in the hell can you be discourteous to someone if you’re both on the same page? I have said, and stand by, the fact that I wouldn’t assume this was OK with someone else, and would not do this to someone who was bothered by it. But according to a statement like yours, I’m insulting – who…society? – by sending a text during a date even if my date takes absolutely no issue with it. You taking offense on behalf of someone who doesn’t want it, and insulting me at the same time (“special flower”? really?) – I’m not even sure what to do with that. But as you said, you’ll be spending time elsewhere, so I’ll consider it irrelevant. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496/164 "2010-06-18T21:38:47Z")
> [@gravitycrash](#): > > Different values? Bwah? Values have nothing to do with it. Throw courtesy and manners out the window if you like, fine and peachy. You don’t think courtesy and manners are “values”? ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496/165 "2010-06-18T21:39:43Z")
> [@gravitycrash](#): > > Different values? Bwah? Values have nothing to do with it. Throw courtesy and manners out the window if you like, fine and peachy. If you’re such a special flower where you need validation and attention 24/7 knock yourself out. Multi- task all you want, I for one will spend my time elsewhere. You are not this stupid. The fact that you value a certain form of courtesy is, duh, a value. The fact that you determine that a certain thing is rude, while the other person doesn’t, is, again, a value judgement. The fact that you responded in this manner shows you aren’t merely saying “different strokes for different folks”, but actively treating an entire class of people as inferior. As I doubt you’re this rude all the time, if you value courtesy so much. I don’t comprehend letting a single thing be a deal breaker. I personally don’t like it if someone texts while I’m dating them. But I’m not going to make a value judgement on them. In fact, I’m not even going to assume that we’re incompatible. It’s one thing. They could otherwise be the most compatible person in the world. The fact that so many other people can not care indicates that I can get over it, if it’s worth it. To instead assume that we absolutely cannot be compatible–that would be prejudice. I’d be judging them before I’d had enough information about them. Most of you seem to be assuming a lot about the person just because they do one thing you consider rude. Ever think of, say, communicating that you find it so offensive, and giving them a chance to do it differently? No, you’re just going to get up, maybe be violent to them, and leave. And you’re supposed to be the good people? ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496/166 "2010-06-18T21:52:37Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > But as you said, you’ll be spending time elsewhere, so I’ll consider it irrelevant. I’d consider it a blessing 😉 ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496/167 "2010-06-18T21:55:44Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > You taking offense on behalf of someone who doesn’t want it, and insulting me at the same time (“special flower”? really?) Dopers insult you so I don’t have to. It’s win-win! ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496/168 "2010-06-18T22:04:50Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Ever think of, say, communicating that you find it so offensive, and giving them a chance to do it differently? No, you’re just going to get up, maybe be violent to them, and leave. > > And you’re supposed to be the good people? Who has espoused violence here? Even the guy you admonished just said he’d leave such a person to their own devices (heh, that’s funny). For a 1st or 2nd date situation, I’m not interested in stepping into the role of The Nag. Sure, I _could_ ask them to quit. Just like I _could_ tell them to do anything else that is a turn off. For instance, if I go out with someone who thinks there’s nothing rude or unseemly about eating pasta and steak with his hands, odds are I’m going to be too turned off to date him anymore. So correcting his behavior would be a waste of my time and energy. I’d only do this if I was attracted to him and wanted to see him again. I once went out with a guy who for some reason thought it was be cool to walk in on me while I was using the toilet. Now sure, maybe he didn’t know this was rude behavior. But his failure to know this is a big frickin’ deal. It’s a red flag that he has some profound gaps in common sense that are incompatible with what I’m seeking in a mate. To me, texting throughout a date is no much different than any other rude behavior. And it’s never wrong to judge someone by how they conduct themselves. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496/169 "2010-06-18T22:10:24Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > I’d consider it a blessing 😉 Only a special flower could look at things in such a positive light. I am positively beaming. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Ludy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Ludy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludy)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496/170 "2010-06-18T22:19:42Z")
> [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](#): > > Anyone who I’d be out on a date with would already _know_ that my phone is NEVER off and rarely on Vibrate (movies, funerals, weddings, etc.), and that I will be responding to texts/reading emails as they come in, fit among breaks in the conversation. Not because I have to for work, or anything like that, but because I am pretty obsessive about always being reachable at all times by all methods by anyone who might need/want to do so. > > Anyway, yeah. I’m done here. Please tell me you are not checking or responding to texts while at the movies. That is extreamly rude to everyone around you. That little green screen is very distracting in a dark theatre and pulls everyone around you out of the movie. If you do that KNOCK IT OFF. If not, as you were. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496/171 "2010-06-18T23:42:43Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > Only a special flower could look at things in such a positive light. I am positively beaming. 🙂 (PS: I wasn’t saying that not being around YOU would be a blessing. I meant having that other person who is wants to dictate what is right and wrong for all of us who said they wouldn’t stick around. You sound just fine) ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496/172 "2010-06-19T00:12:24Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > (PS: I wasn’t saying that not being around YOU would be a blessing. I meant having that other person who is wants to dictate what is right and wrong for all of us who said they wouldn’t stick around. You sound just fine) I was right there with you – no worries. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496/173 "2010-06-19T00:13:00Z")
> [@Cosmic Relief](#): > > Having to be available 24x7 screams ‘underling’ to me; I would not be interested at all in such a person. I think you will find that the higher you rise in an organization, the more available you have to be to address more important isues. That said, for some reason people have this bizzare sense of urgency whenever their stupid Blackberry goes off. Yes, got forbid you pay attention to the person who actually took time out of their busy day to physically spend time with you. So if I’m on a first date, I’m tolerant if you have to answer the occassional critical email. If you are distracted by that thing all night, I’m going to cut the date short and you can reschedule when you don’t have that proposal due in the morning (if I feel like it). ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496/174 "2010-06-19T04:23:50Z")
> [@Ludy](#): > > Please tell me you are not checking or responding to texts while at the movies. That is extreamly rude to everyone around you. That little green screen is very distracting in a dark theatre and pulls everyone around you out of the movie. If you do that KNOCK IT OFF. If not, as you were. Not to mention weddings and _funerals_. “Rude” isn’t strong enough for that. ---
**Author:** ![amarinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3be4f8/32.png) [@amarinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amarinth)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496/175 "2010-06-19T04:23:55Z")
> [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](#): > > But…if you ignore Kelly’s text, she might get the red dress instead, which would look bad on her - in which case you’d be a bad friend. Or she might get miffed that you ignored her. > > Or she might be having a weepy breakdown because her BF dumped her a month ago, and “their song” just came on the radio, and all of a sudden the hurt is fresh and raw again. She needs to tell someone how horrible she’s feeling. Again, if she’s in need and you ignore her for the chump-of-the-week, you’re being a bad friend. You had no way of knowing that song would come on, nor did she know how she’d react to it, so no way to predict. A quick “Awww honey I’m so sorry. That sucks. _hugs_”, or even a couple follow-up texts, shouldn’t distract majorly from the date. Is this sarcasm? On first reading, I was sure it was a rather funny, over the top parody, but based on the replies, I can’t tell. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496/176 "2010-06-19T06:21:31Z")
_reads a few pages of thread_ _backs away slowly_ But, errm, for me, once is totally fine. Twice is annoying but not a deal-breaker. Anything more than three that are not for work/emergency reasons approach total turn-off territory. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496/177 "2010-06-19T13:06:07Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I’m not sure what folk I’m supposed to have found who aren’t troubled by what. What is it that you think I’m guilty of doing? I thought you said upthread that your SO and/or friends weren’t bothered by your phone use and/or drifting attention. I personally consider the described behavior a shortcoming and rudeness. I am glad we each have different people with whom we can associate. That’s all I meant. Not sure how you read “guilt” into it. ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496/178 "2010-06-19T13:49:15Z")
I have asked a young lady out (I wish) and she has agreed to come out with me. That person is the centre of my attention at the time and it is manners to court said person. Not to answer idiot texts asking if you are getting a knee trembler. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496/179 "2010-06-19T15:04:12Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > I thought you said upthread that your SO and/or friends weren’t bothered by your phone use and/or drifting attention. I personally consider the described behavior a shortcoming and rudeness. I am glad we each have different people with whom we can associate. That’s all I meant. Not sure how you read “guilt” into it. I said that I pretty much don’t use my phone. I currently don’t know how to answer mine. As for drifting attention, yeah. Sorry that my mind is not 100% focused on the people I’m with 100% of the time. If you say that yours is, well, I’ll be forced to believe you. But I’ve never met anyone in my life like that. How is there not “guilt” when you’re accusing me of shortcomings and rudeness? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496/180 "2010-06-19T16:49:11Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Which reminds me. I’ve been to a few funeral services in the past few years. I found it surprising that no official announcement was made to mute or turn off your cell phone. While I dont expect people to actually use them during the service (but who knows!) I can certainly see where, in a large crowd, someone would just plain forget! > > I wonder how many solemn services have been interupted by cell phone rings (and I bet there could be some really inappropriate ones at that)? “Hi! Yeah, I’m just at a funeral. Fred Peters - did you know him? Big guy, really loud, always staring down your shirt - yeah, that guy. Yeah, he’s dead now. I KNOW! I thought he’d die from all that weight years ago, too! Hold on, some guy at the front of the room is motioning at me for some reason…” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/texting-on-a-first-date-kosher-or-no/543496.md?page=10)