# Thank You - An Update Thread **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 18, 2011, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thank-you-an-update-thread/571863 "2011-02-18T23:08:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2011, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thank-you-an-update-thread/571863/1 "2011-02-18T23:08:06Z")
Last August I made [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=572037&highlight=children&page=5) because I wanted kids and my husband, who is a Ph.D. student in clinical psychology, told me he wasn’t ready. Our general situation is kind of tough - we moved out of state so he could attend graduate school, I started my own program too, so we’re both now graduate students and long-distance commuters in a state with no family or connections. People gave a lot of input - some very kind and some not so kind - but there were so many gems in there I just wanted to thank those of you who spoke from your heart and gave it to me straight. I made a poor decision that year to take my entire summer break off. I should have known better because I really don’t deal with lack of structure well at all, so I took that whole event really hard given that I was sitting around with nothing better to do than think about having a kid. It really was a major turning point in our relationship because my husband and I both realized that we could not function as each other’s only means of social support. And then there was this: > [@He's Not Ready For A Child, And I'm Sad.](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hes-not-ready-for-a-child-and-im-sad/547846/168): > > You’ve made comments about having waiting a long time, about waiting for life to begin, and apparently to you that means (in part) having a child. > > Which makes me wonder what you’ve been doing for the past 8 years? > > Life isn’t a child. Life isn’t what you’ll do an a day-to-day basis once you move to Chicago. Life isn’t what comes after a MSW, or after a PhD. Life isn’t spreadsheets and planning what you’ll do 4.356 years from now. > > THIS IS LIFE. Learn, laugh, cry, shop, eat, fuck…that’s life. > > It is what you make of it, and I know you’ve made a lot more of your life than your history suggests you should have - and I’m so amazed and impressed by you and I give you a bazillion credits for that. I can understand your impatience and your frustration and your sadness, but I feel like you’re so wrapped up in the future that you aren’t even able to appreciate where you are now. This was so, completely, utterly right. It stayed with me. I mean, I’m a Zen Buddhist, I should know this already! But it’s so easy to get mentally stuck in a time other than the present. I couldn’t forget this comment. I decided to stop feeling stuck and start reaching out. I started scheduling in social events on my calendar, deepening and strengthening my relationships here and finding out what opportunities I have right where I am. I started building a professional network, too… I started _living_ here. A lot of you were right. I am so glad I’m not a pregnant grad student right now! Which isn’t to say that I’m not ready - I’m definitely ready, and probably would have handled it fine, but with everything else going on in my life now, I’ve managed to find a lot of the advantages of being child-free at the moment. I also realized I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to handle everything and keep my husband happy - that in my mind he really wasn’t going to be a part of it. In reality, he should be a major part of it. And if he’s got too many demands on his time right now to be an engaged father, then it really is better if we wait. It’s not about ME being ready, it’s about US being ready. I do think about having kids often, and my husband has started to talk about it more seriously too, but we’re back to our original plan of adoption and it could be another couple of years before we start that process. It still hurts sometimes to have to wait, but really, I am okay with that. I’ve learned not to dwell on it. When we’re ready, it will happen, and it’s going to be awesome. So generally speaking, life is good. I’m going to graduate in 3 months, I’m exercising, meditating, cooking nutritious meals every night and feeling better than ever. My internship this year has been off the hook and I’m starting to feel pretty fierce in my professional life. My husband and I have grown closer even though his schedule is even more crazy than it was last year… closer but more independent, if that makes any sense. He has started socializing on his own too. We’ve each started taking more responsibility for our own happiness. The irony is, I complained about feeling ‘‘stuck’’ just months ago, but now my roots in Philadelphia are so strong I don’t want to leave! These are my people, man! Anyway, thanks. The thing we most need to hear is sometimes the hardest. ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2011, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thank-you-an-update-thread/571863/2 "2011-02-19T14:02:03Z")
I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how this all shook out, how school was going, etc. Thanks for the update! It sounds as though you’re in a great place. Congratulations! What a tremendous amount of growth. ---
**Author:** ![gardentraveler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gardentraveler/32/3576_2.png) [@gardentraveler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gardentraveler)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2011, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thank-you-an-update-thread/571863/3 "2011-02-19T14:07:24Z")
So glad to read that things are going well and that you’re moving in such a positive direction, even when it’s difficult. Thanks for the update. ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2011, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thank-you-an-update-thread/571863/4 "2011-02-19T15:08:41Z")
It is very nice to read that you’re doing so well. Thank you for the update. All blessings to you and your husband. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2011, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thank-you-an-update-thread/571863/5 "2011-02-19T16:17:37Z")
Hey **Olives** , I didn’t comment in the other tread, but I think your comments are right on. It is important that it is right for both of you. Timing is important. I wonder sometimes if what I’m doing is right, being a father of a two-year-old girl and a four-month-old boy at my age, but I think I’m in a much better position to be a good father now than I would have in my 20s or 30s. (That and being with the right partner really helps.) You have made many tremendous achievements in your life, and I know you will continue to do well. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2011, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thank-you-an-update-thread/571863/6 "2011-02-19T20:39:40Z")
I’m glad to hear that things are improving, **Olives**. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2011, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thank-you-an-update-thread/571863/7 "2011-02-20T01:42:08Z")
Thanks guys! And I imagine you’re right, **Tokyo** , the person you choose can make it or break it. ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2011, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thank-you-an-update-thread/571863/8 "2011-02-20T01:46:50Z")
I’m so happy to hear this, Olives. You’re a marvelous person, and I’m glad to know you. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2011, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thank-you-an-update-thread/571863/9 "2011-02-20T02:08:10Z")
Wow. That put a lump in my throat. Very touching. Good for you **Olives**!! ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2011, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thank-you-an-update-thread/571863/10 "2011-02-20T02:23:11Z")
Good to hear from you again, **Olives**. Thanks for letting us know how things are going. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2011, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/thank-you-an-update-thread/571863/11 "2011-02-20T02:59:50Z")
It’s good to hear that things worked out. 🙂